OP, it seems like you have two problems:

1) what to do while they're still alive

2) what to do when they die.

With respect to 1): as PP have said, if they want any financial help, they have to accept guidance. Your first obligation is to your family, i.e., your kids and their future, and you and your spouse need to decide reasonable limits and rules so you're not pouring money down a black hole -- which will only get bigger and blacker as they age and can no longer work.

They need to sit down with your DH and a financial planner now -- this is no longer optional -- and decide what next steps will be when they retire (and relying on your family to pay their bills is not on the table). Your DH and any siblings he has also need to make sure that all the paperwork like wills, power of attorney, and health care proxy are in place now, while they are in possession of their faculties.

2) what to do when they're dead -- this is in fact part of discussion on item 1). How do they intend to save the money to fund the deathcare they want? Again, your paying for it all is not on the table. Your money is for the living, i.e., your kids and their future, not to satisfy the wishes of a dead person who by definition neither knows nor cares about the body they no longer inhabit.

I am personally dead set against spending any significant money on funeral homes or burials, with or without embalming. Money is for the living, not the dead.

Anonymous wrote:My mom died last year in CA. She died at home and we had selected the funeral home which picked her up the following morning and cremated her. Hospice had helped line up some of the paperwork ahead of time so there was less to do. I was surprised that the cremation was only a bit over $1000. We had her service at her church which was free although we made a direct monetary gift to the pastor.

My experience was similar

A cremation can be $2000. Do that.

My wealthy grandma refused to ‘let a smarmy funeral home scam her out of money in death’. She specified in her will to be cremated at the lowest cost, ashes scattered off a boat, memorial service at church and family potluck get together at her house. It was a far nicer event than any funeral at a funeral home we’ve ever been to and DH and I will do the same.

Anonymous wrote:The people who answer "not your problem" either haven't been through it, or have no heart. I'm sorry OP, I don't have answers but I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Here's the way it works: If you are supporting your in-laws financially, then you and your DH have the right to put them on a budget and help them manage their costs. You have a right to force them to file for bankruptcy rather than pour your money into a bottomless hole. They accept your money, they accept your involvement (not necessarily heavy-handed and punitive, but reasonable guidance). Obviously what they are doing isn't working. If they refuse to accept your guidance, you keep your money. I think this goes for adult children and elders who can't manage their money well.

We supported my in-laws for 20 years, but it was on a budget with us paying their rent and them being responsible for all other costs, for instance. And there was a bankruptcy filing once the elder ran up his credit cards. Then, no credit cards. The notion that to "be a good person" you have to just give blindly is ridiculous. And never during this 20 years did our supporting the in-laws affect our family affording private school and other important things we deemed necessary for our own kids. My DH got them on Snap and other government programs as appropriate. The in-laws have lived modestly, but they have been grateful to have someone else take the reins after years of financial worry and strain due to their bad choices.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Get a grip on yourself, OP. You and your husband are not responsible for your in-laws' comfort in their waning years.

There are government agencies that help keep seniors keep body and soul together - call their county's senior helpline and ask what services are available for your FIL and MIL. It could be meals on wheels, or something else. When they cannot live independently, they can go into a Medicaid facility.

For the funeral, do your due diligence on the VA option. Make all the calls. Pitch in whatever is needed for a minimalist funeral. The dead won't care, and the living can't afford fancy, so minimal it is. If FIL and MIL can't afford to attend, they can't afford to attend.

There is no need to panic over the future. Your first duty is to your children. You will not cover basic costs for your in-laws. Period.

Agreed that this is the starting point. Time for DH to have a family financial meeting with his parents and get a clear picture of assets/income/ debts/expenses. They may be eligible for SNAP, energy assistance (called HEAP in some states, look up rules for their state). Only after they adjust their budget and access any programs they’re eligible for do you and your DH discuss whether and how much you want to/can contribute.

They are in their early 70s. They live in a very nice building, are renting and still both work. The issue is they are irresponsible with savings and are paycheck to paycheck, so they seem like they are doing fine if you look at them from the outside, but they are not. A $300 plane ticket is a BIG deal for them. We tried to talk to them about all this years ago when we had to bail them out, gave them financial adviser info...they never went. They are like teenagers and refuse to listen. It's an extremely frustrating situation. Dh is an only so it is even more pressure.

Ohhhhh my goodness. OP you need to figure out how far you are willing to go and then die on that hill. Don't let them bleed you slowly. When you feel like caving, think of your kids. Re-structure your savings if it will help. Have an account for joint living expenses, accounts for kids 529 and savings, and then the rest is divided for you and your DH. If he chooses to spend his on his parents, fine. But save your side for yourself and your family and don't budge an inch.

The people who answer "not your problem" either haven't been through it, or have no heart. I'm sorry OP, I don't have answers but I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Either get family together to talk about finances or pay for it all if you can.
Put off the car for a year then deal with the other stuff later.
That's what family does in times like this.

When my mother passed away my brother paid for her funeral. I offered but he said no. So as my youngest sister was left to pick up the pieces, she lived with my mother, I decided to focus on her. I didn't get a new car. I waited until she had stability. I paid for her hip replacement, her bills, her food and anything else she needed. I'm still helping her 20 years later. Why ? Because she needs help. If she needed a car I'd get that too. Her life is hard enough. If I can help, I will help.

It's hard but if you can do this for your family, do it. Imagine the relief they will feel and they/you can mourn the person without the extra added anxiety. Financial stress makes everything so much harder. You'll get your car. They will appreciate what you are doing. It's the right thing to do.

We had an aunt pass away with no children, no siblings alive, and no money. No funeral. We paid for her cremation.

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Do you need to have a funeral home funeral?

3 of my grandparents had funerals at churches. Those were really memorial services. And they were scheduled a while after the deaths in order to facilitate family participation at low cost.

My family only does cremation. And no open casket/viewings.

I believe this would save a lot of money.

This is a Jewish funeral so cannot be scheduled later. Cremation is a no. It will be just graveside and the simplest coffin possible. It is still expensive.

Our family is Reform and cremation is accepted now.

We are Conservative. I personally don't care what happens to me post death, but fil just buried his mom and certainly would never be okay cremating his dad.

Unfortunately, if your family is determined to bankrupt themselves to adhere to religious customs, then they need to look to their religion for help. https://www.hebrewfreeburial.org/ for example, or contact the in-laws synagogue to find out if there are programs for assistance.

That also goes for senior care assistance. Parents can in fact turn into an endless blackhole for money if you don't create some hard and fast boundaries. In my parents case, I made sure the mortgage and utilities payments were made, and everything else, well, if i bank gave them another credit card that was the banks problem. They might have to move to an apartment. They might find this humiliating, somehow, but if the alternative is homelessness they will probably eventually come to their senses. Social security cannot be garnished for credit card debt. Ultimately, medicaid will be needed to give them nursing home care.

Anonymous wrote:I believe if you donate the deceased to science, it is free?

That is a great suggestion.

OP, you need to be clear with your husband and his family that you will not jeopardize your children's future and your own planning for retirement by spending your hard earned savings one people who did not plan. No. No. No. you will just perpetuate the financial dysfunction, putting your own children in a similar position.

I believe if you donate the deceased to science, it is free?

For my FIL the hospital handled the cremation and we did a memorial in his favorite bar. Total cost was under $2k.

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Anonymous wrote:They go on welfare like everyone else who didn’t plan for their future.

Yea but what does plan for your future mean? My mom is in assisted living and has 5 years of nursing home covered by her insurance. She is 88. Her nursing home just posted a picture of a guy in the home turning 107! Did his family pay for twenty years of assisted living at 90j a year? That’s insane! No one can plan for that!

The stock market says otherwise. This family likely has a sizable stock portfolio with dividends.