Anonymous
02/21/2024 10:23
Subject: Moving meetings to accommodate daycare pickup
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Does he ever TW? Maybe does drop off and pickup on the same day.
FWIW my DW frequently has meetings and I have to do both pickup and dropoff at least once per week. It's not ideal but not the end of the world either. It may not be realistic to reschedule the meeting depending on the size of the team.
I agree with this in the abstract but there's a red flag waving that it's a year until this will even matter (no kid yet, and then leave) and DH is already drawing a line in the sand that *nothing* should change about his (not bigger, not more important, not less flexible) job once this kid is here. He's basically saying that any childcare issues that crop up are mom's job, because he has a real job to worry about. And that's an obnoxious attitude even coming from a seven-figure HHI dad with a SAHW, but it's significantly grosser from run of the mill guys like OP's got. Because it's not about his job, which isn't big and impressive and obviously more important than hers. It's just about him not having to make any changes because *he* is somehow intrinsically entitled to stability and calm after becoming a parent, and all the chaos needs to fall to her.
Yes, all of this
Also, he should start paying attention to what other people do -- people move meetings all the time
And if they don't, then he can be a leader in changing his office culture or get a new job. Either way, he needs to step up and be a parent, it's not OK in 2024--we're talking about someone born after 1990 here, right?--to fall back on gender stereotypes.
Anonymous
02/21/2024 09:27
Subject: Moving meetings to accommodate daycare pickup
Anonymous wrote:Does he ever TW? Maybe does drop off and pickup on the same day.
FWIW my DW frequently has meetings and I have to do both pickup and dropoff at least once per week. It's not ideal but not the end of the world either. It may not be realistic to reschedule the meeting depending on the size of the team.
I agree with this in the abstract but there's a red flag waving that it's a year until this will even matter (no kid yet, and then leave) and DH is already drawing a line in the sand that *nothing* should change about his (not bigger, not more important, not less flexible) job once this kid is here. He's basically saying that any childcare issues that crop up are mom's job, because he has a real job to worry about. And that's an obnoxious attitude even coming from a seven-figure HHI dad with a SAHW, but it's significantly grosser from run of the mill guys like OP's got. Because it's not about his job, which isn't big and impressive and obviously more important than hers. It's just about him not having to make any changes because *he* is somehow intrinsically entitled to stability and calm after becoming a parent, and all the chaos needs to fall to her.
Anonymous
02/21/2024 09:22
Subject: Moving meetings to accommodate daycare pickup
Anonymous wrote:Plan your budget now so you can afford to go part time and lean out. Usually this means buying less house. Unfortunately that is just going to be reality for a few years, and if you stick with one it will be just a blip on your career. Everyone wants to have it all (job, kids,partner) but you are just setting yourself up for resentment and divorce.
-mom of 3. Went part time after 1st. No regrets.
maybe her DH should lean out? if OP decides to lean out then make sure that they budget for contributing to her retirement accounts.
Anonymous
02/21/2024 09:21
Subject: Moving meetings to accommodate daycare pickup
Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, clearly this is going to be a contrarian opinion, but I think parenting will be a lot easier if you accept that not everything is going to be exactly 50/50, not for all tasks and all the time. So what if you do one extra pick up a week, maybe he’ll cook dinner one extra night or take the baby for a few extra hours on a weekend or whatever. Flexibility and compromise is key in my opinion. Because there will be a time when you’ll need him to do two sick days in a row because you have some huge thing at work or whatever. Or maybe he gets a big project at work and for a time can’t do 50% of the pick up. I know my marriage wouldn’t have survived if we bean counted every single parenting thing.
Because this is a permanent inequity that allows the DH to advance his career and requires OP to compromise her career. It shows the DH believes his job is more important than hers, in short.
Anonymous
02/21/2024 09:19
Subject: Moving meetings to accommodate daycare pickup
Nip this in the BUD. He either needs to cover drop off and pick up on another day, or you guys can switch schedules on the day of his long meeting.
Anonymous
02/21/2024 09:17
Subject: Moving meetings to accommodate daycare pickup
Plan your budget now so you can afford to go part time and lean out. Usually this means buying less house. Unfortunately that is just going to be reality for a few years, and if you stick with one it will be just a blip on your career. Everyone wants to have it all (job, kids,partner) but you are just setting yourself up for resentment and divorce.
-mom of 3. Went part time after 1st. No regrets.
-mom of 3. Went part time after 1st. No regrets.
Anonymous
02/21/2024 08:42
Subject: Moving meetings to accommodate daycare pickup
My DH and I have almost the exact same schedule. He gets into the office before 8 and leaves the office at 4 to do pickup.
He has a monthly meeting that ends at 5 so on those days we switch. He does drop-off and I do pick up
He has a monthly meeting that ends at 5 so on those days we switch. He does drop-off and I do pick up
Anonymous
02/21/2024 08:22
Subject: Moving meetings to accommodate daycare pickup
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don’t know who the people are that don’t believe some of us are working before 8 am.
I’ve done a crap load of work this morning already, in the office. I do this so I can get out the door at 4 to see my family. This is reasonable.
I’ll work extra hours tonight as usual.
Most places I’ve worked at in the DC region are EXTREMELY flexible with work hours, because the commute is so bad. 7:30-3:30 are normal work hours for getting ahead of the traffic when you work in Tysons and live near Baltimore. I’ve worked in 3 different offices, and most people clear out before 4:30 in every single one. This was true pre-COVID too.
Yup.
Leave the house at 6:45 to get in before 7:30. If I leave later my commute doubles.
Anonymous
02/21/2024 08:19
Subject: Moving meetings to accommodate daycare pickup
Anonymous wrote:I don’t know who the people are that don’t believe some of us are working before 8 am.
I’ve done a crap load of work this morning already, in the office. I do this so I can get out the door at 4 to see my family. This is reasonable.
I’ll work extra hours tonight as usual.
Most places I’ve worked at in the DC region are EXTREMELY flexible with work hours, because the commute is so bad. 7:30-3:30 are normal work hours for getting ahead of the traffic when you work in Tysons and live near Baltimore. I’ve worked in 3 different offices, and most people clear out before 4:30 in every single one. This was true pre-COVID too.
Anonymous
02/21/2024 08:08
Subject: Moving meetings to accommodate daycare pickup
I don’t know who the people are that don’t believe some of us are working before 8 am.
I’ve done a crap load of work this morning already, in the office. I do this so I can get out the door at 4 to see my family. This is reasonable.
I’ll work extra hours tonight as usual.
I’ve done a crap load of work this morning already, in the office. I do this so I can get out the door at 4 to see my family. This is reasonable.
I’ll work extra hours tonight as usual.
Anonymous
02/21/2024 07:12
Subject: Moving meetings to accommodate daycare pickup
Anonymous wrote:Picking up at 4pm daily seems unreasonably early for most mom careers. There is no way I can pick up prior to 6:15. Im rushing out the door at 6pm to grab them (and their daycare is in my building).
I manage a large number of people and we have a culture at work the requires in-office presence (which I prefer). People with children shouldn’t get special perks to leave early or reschedule on the backs of their childless coworkers.
Wow. That is so late. I couldn’t do that. One day when they are older they will have activities and someone will have to drive them. Unless you hire someone. But I move to watch my kids at their activities.
Anonymous
02/21/2024 07:07
Subject: Moving meetings to accommodate daycare pickup
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It’s valid that DH (and OP) need to figure out that sometimes kids just aren’t convenient and have to come before work. That said, 3:30 is super early to leave on a work day, most people won’t know or care that DH arrives at 7:30, and you’ll be far better off arranging childcare to meet your needs than being difficult at work from the start.
Yeah no one believes he’s really there at 730, and even those that do assume he’s semi-napping in an empty office
A DH leaving at 3:30 pm most days will profoundly limit his career. Are you guys Feds, otherwise he will be #1 on next layoff list.
These hours are common in the intel community. I go in at 9 and am “late”.
Anonymous
02/21/2024 07:05
Subject: Moving meetings to accommodate daycare pickup
My husband does most drop offs and pick ups. I have a longish commute and have to be in-person. Everyone once in a while - every other week or so he has something that messes with his normal routine and I have to do it.
I end up missing important meetings sometimes. What can you do? I am not senior enough to ask that they be moved. I just say I can’t go and that is that. Yes, it sucks.
When my kids were younger there were days they were sick or school was closed for snow or rain or whatever and we had to negotiate out the day. Who had meetings when and how important they were. At the time I usually lost cause he had a big job - and i supported that - but sure my career got screwed. Things have Flip flopped and now he is the one that usually drops things.
I guess just saying there will be lots of negotiating along the way.
Congrats!
I end up missing important meetings sometimes. What can you do? I am not senior enough to ask that they be moved. I just say I can’t go and that is that. Yes, it sucks.
When my kids were younger there were days they were sick or school was closed for snow or rain or whatever and we had to negotiate out the day. Who had meetings when and how important they were. At the time I usually lost cause he had a big job - and i supported that - but sure my career got screwed. Things have Flip flopped and now he is the one that usually drops things.
I guess just saying there will be lots of negotiating along the way.
Congrats!
Anonymous
02/21/2024 06:47
Subject: Moving meetings to accommodate daycare pickup
Anonymous wrote:Option 3, you find someone else to do pick up that day or you pay one of the childcare workers extra to watch kid.
Is that even allowed? Day cares are supposed to follow ratios and I’m not sure what the rules are about a single employee watching a kid.
Anonymous
02/21/2024 06:40
Subject: Moving meetings to accommodate daycare pickup
I don’t know, clearly this is going to be a contrarian opinion, but I think parenting will be a lot easier if you accept that not everything is going to be exactly 50/50, not for all tasks and all the time. So what if you do one extra pick up a week, maybe he’ll cook dinner one extra night or take the baby for a few extra hours on a weekend or whatever. Flexibility and compromise is key in my opinion. Because there will be a time when you’ll need him to do two sick days in a row because you have some huge thing at work or whatever. Or maybe he gets a big project at work and for a time can’t do 50% of the pick up. I know my marriage wouldn’t have survived if we bean counted every single parenting thing.