Anonymous
Post 02/07/2024 13:52     Subject: Emotional needs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As long as your wife is not complaining about Peter doing xyz with Kathy and you guys aren’t you are good. When she goes down the rabbit hole of comparing relationships and is depressed about it, look for the nearest exit.


But if they don't have real friends to compare you to, they start using the "most women" argument.


Who doesn’t have real friends to talk with when getting zero emotional support from one’s spouse?
You’d better believe yours getting talked about if you’re a delinquent.


+1. Lol
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2024 13:42     Subject: Emotional needs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As long as your wife is not complaining about Peter doing xyz with Kathy and you guys aren’t you are good. When she goes down the rabbit hole of comparing relationships and is depressed about it, look for the nearest exit.


But if they don't have real friends to compare you to, they start using the "most women" argument.


Who doesn’t have real friends to talk with when getting zero emotional support from one’s spouse?
You’d better believe yours getting talked about if you’re a delinquent.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2024 13:34     Subject: Emotional needs
Anonymous wrote:"Emotional needs" is such a poorly defined concept that the phrase is functionally useless.
It's indistinguishable from just "feeling unhappy" which, of course, can be caused by almost anything or even nothing at all. [/quote

]
Anonymous wrote:"Emotional needs" is such a poorly defined concept that the phrase is functionally useless.
It's indistinguishable from just "feeling unhappy" which, of course, can be caused by almost anything or even nothing at all.


In my case, I am happy with most aspects of my life (friendships, children, career potential etc). My relationship with DH is complicated. I am happy with the parenting part of the relationship. He is great at fatherhood and our kids are amazing -- I couldn't have had better children if I married someone else. So I am happy he is the father of my children.

However, I am unhappy with my relationship with him. I have given my DH very specific instances where he has been an insensitive ahole by being dismissive of serious issues.

Example: Rather than saying "I changed my mind for such and such reason" when he did not want to go ahead with a plan we had, he said: "I was just joking" about his original position that we based future plans on ( and I made the decision based on his expressed needs at the time, not mine).

The issue is not the fact that he changed his mind. It's the dismissive attitude. That's the emotional deficiency. Every person I am close to gets how much I had invested physically, financially and emotionally in this plan and wrapped it into other important decisions. Why did DH not get it? It took a couple of discussions before I even got an apology for his " I was joking" comment. And I am supposed to have sex with this person? Not anytime soon!. I am the one with the higher sex drive and my hands have been working overtime.

We have discussed this in therapy. As usual, he says he gets it, but these things keep happening in different ways. I have asked him if I treat him like this, and the answer is always no. I don't understand why he is this way. But it's a similar problem in many households around me. My case is better because DH is really good in the areas he is good at ( fatherhood). I can't imagine dealing with this crap when your spouse sucks at parenting too.

But I cannot keep opening myself up to someone who is so casual about things that are clearly important and investments that I clearly made ( and in this example above, I took the position out of empathy for him -- it was he who wanted this originally).

And I try really hard to lean on others for emotional support instead of DH. I have great relationships with friends, sisters, aunts, etc. But in areas where he is involved, as in the example above where it is a family decision, I have no choice-- it's not a decision I could make without him.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2024 13:28     Subject: Re:Emotional needs
NP. My DH is my end-all but not be-all as I’m too emotionally high maintenance for him to handle on his own. With his knowledge and permission, I have a primarily online BF who fills my pathological need for attention and drama. No doubt the proper path is therapy, but this model has worked quite well for all of us for nearly 10 years and counting!
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2024 12:59     Subject: Emotional needs
Find him a good psychiatrist
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2024 12:59     Subject: Emotional needs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There is a recurrent complaint that married men are often not able to meet the emotional needs of their wives. Is it because men just don’t care? Or it because men don’t understand and/or know how to address those emotional needs?


Often, and I'll get hate for this, it's because how they are treated by their wives. A man isn't going to be loving and caring when his wife is attacking him for everything he does. This is in particular when she's a SAHM and he goes two work to support the family. Yes, SAHM is work also but when the attacks come he doesn't feel appreciated for what he brings to the table - which is a lot because it literally pays the bills.

Therefore, it's a snowball effect. Husband only works and checks out at home. Wife doesn't appreciate husband. Husband feels resentful. Both don't show affection. Both assume it's the other spouse's job to show affection.


You missed Step 1 of ruining your marriage. Here it is.

(Paycheck + Neglect) does not = Provider


Agreed the days of Paycheck dad only are over.
All that is is child support payments from an absent parent who actively avoids spending quality time with his family and kids.


And a wife who only focus on herself and her children while ignoring her husband isn't a good wife.


Lol. As if they didn’t try for years and years to get hubby to do something beyond himself. Lol.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2024 12:58     Subject: Emotional needs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There is a recurrent complaint that married men are often not able to meet the emotional needs of their wives. Is it because men just don’t care? Or it because men don’t understand and/or know how to address those emotional needs?


Often, and I'll get hate for this, it's because how they are treated by their wives. A man isn't going to be loving and caring when his wife is attacking him for everything he does. This is in particular when she's a SAHM and he goes two work to support the family. Yes, SAHM is work also but when the attacks come he doesn't feel appreciated for what he brings to the table - which is a lot because it literally pays the bills.

Therefore, it's a snowball effect. Husband only works and checks out at home. Wife doesn't appreciate husband. Husband feels resentful. Both don't show affection. Both assume it's the other spouse's job to show affection.


You missed Step 1 of ruining your marriage. Here it is.

(Paycheck + Neglect) does not = Provider


Agreed the days of Paycheck dad only are over.
All that is is child support payments from an absent parent who actively avoids spending quality time with his family and kids.


And a wife who only focus on herself and her children while ignoring her husband isn't a good wife.


Isn’t it great healthy functional adults connect at home every night over dinner and catching up 7-10pm most nights.
And how they both pitch in with the kids and house when home. They put their phones down for a couple hours and enjoy their family, keep things moving forward, share stories about their day and week.
What good role models.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2024 12:55     Subject: Emotional needs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There is a recurrent complaint that married men are often not able to meet the emotional needs of their wives. Is it because men just don’t care? Or it because men don’t understand and/or know how to address those emotional needs?


Often, and I'll get hate for this, it's because how they are treated by their wives. A man isn't going to be loving and caring when his wife is attacking him for everything he does. This is in particular when she's a SAHM and he goes two work to support the family. Yes, SAHM is work also but when the attacks come he doesn't feel appreciated for what he brings to the table - which is a lot because it literally pays the bills.

Therefore, it's a snowball effect. Husband only works and checks out at home. Wife doesn't appreciate husband. Husband feels resentful. Both don't show affection. Both assume it's the other spouse's job to show affection.


You missed Step 1 of ruining your marriage. Here it is.

(Paycheck + Neglect) does not = Provider


Neglect is doing a lot of work. Not sure we are agree on what that means.


80% of married women in the DC metro area work full time. Many work and manage long hours, big travel, and command high incomes.
But they aren’t ignoring or avoiding their children, personal emails, home or sports or school communities like some of their husbands are. And they actually talk with and manage the nanny and housekeeper!
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2024 12:53     Subject: Emotional needs
"Emotional needs" is such a poorly defined concept that the phrase is functionally useless.
It's indistinguishable from just "feeling unhappy" which, of course, can be caused by almost anything or even nothing at all.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2024 12:45     Subject: Emotional needs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There is a recurrent complaint that married men are often not able to meet the emotional needs of their wives. Is it because men just don’t care? Or it because men don’t understand and/or know how to address those emotional needs?


Often, and I'll get hate for this, it's because how they are treated by their wives. A man isn't going to be loving and caring when his wife is attacking him for everything he does. This is in particular when she's a SAHM and he goes two work to support the family. Yes, SAHM is work also but when the attacks come he doesn't feel appreciated for what he brings to the table - which is a lot because it literally pays the bills.

Therefore, it's a snowball effect. Husband only works and checks out at home. Wife doesn't appreciate husband. Husband feels resentful. Both don't show affection. Both assume it's the other spouse's job to show affection.


You missed Step 1 of ruining your marriage. Here it is.

(Paycheck + Neglect) does not = Provider


Agreed the days of Paycheck dad only are over.
All that is is child support payments from an absent parent who actively avoids spending quality time with his family and kids.


And a wife who only focus on herself and her children while ignoring her husband isn't a good wife.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2024 12:21     Subject: Emotional needs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There is a recurrent complaint that married men are often not able to meet the emotional needs of their wives. Is it because men just don’t care? Or it because men don’t understand and/or know how to address those emotional needs?


Often, and I'll get hate for this, it's because how they are treated by their wives. A man isn't going to be loving and caring when his wife is attacking him for everything he does. This is in particular when she's a SAHM and he goes two work to support the family. Yes, SAHM is work also but when the attacks come he doesn't feel appreciated for what he brings to the table - which is a lot because it literally pays the bills.

Therefore, it's a snowball effect. Husband only works and checks out at home. Wife doesn't appreciate husband. Husband feels resentful. Both don't show affection. Both assume it's the other spouse's job to show affection.


You missed Step 1 of ruining your marriage. Here it is.

(Paycheck + Neglect) does not = Provider


Agreed the days of Paycheck dad only are over.
All that is is child support payments from an absent parent who actively avoids spending quality time with his family and kids.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2024 12:19     Subject: Emotional needs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As long as your wife is not complaining about Peter doing xyz with Kathy and you guys aren’t you are good. When she goes down the rabbit hole of comparing relationships and is depressed about it, look for the nearest exit.


But if they don't have real friends to compare you to, they start using the "most women" argument.


DCUM can help build consensus and reality!

As can a therapist or friend group.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2024 12:18     Subject: Emotional needs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There is a recurrent complaint that married men are often not able to meet the emotional needs of their wives. Is it because men just don’t care? Or it because men don’t understand and/or know how to address those emotional needs?


Often, and I'll get hate for this, it's because how they are treated by their wives. A man isn't going to be loving and caring when his wife is attacking him for everything he does. This is in particular when she's a SAHM and he goes two work to support the family. Yes, SAHM is work also but when the attacks come he doesn't feel appreciated for what he brings to the table - which is a lot because it literally pays the bills.

Therefore, it's a snowball effect. Husband only works and checks out at home. Wife doesn't appreciate husband. Husband feels resentful. Both don't show affection. Both assume it's the other spouse's job to show affection.


You missed Step 1 of ruining your marriage. Here it is.

(Paycheck + Neglect) does not = Provider


Neglect is doing a lot of work. Not sure we are agree on what that means.


R u saying your job makes it so that you are an absentee and not present homeowner, husband and parent/ father?

Then why did you buy a house, get married or have kids?

Or did you make a clear and written agreement with a woman that all you would do is send some paychecks in and otherwise ignore everyone and everything?
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2024 12:12     Subject: Emotional needs
Anonymous wrote:Ha haha . I'm not in touch with my emotional needs!


+1! Wife here, and I’m too busy getting sh*t done to even figure out if I have emotional needs.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2024 12:11     Subject: Emotional needs
Anonymous wrote:As long as your wife is not complaining about Peter doing xyz with Kathy and you guys aren’t you are good. When she goes down the rabbit hole of comparing relationships and is depressed about it, look for the nearest exit.


But if they don't have real friends to compare you to, they start using the "most women" argument.