Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 14:20     Subject: Re:Would you seperate/divorce if your spouse treated you like this?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, why did you marry this man? He sounds like an A$$


He masked very well for a long time. When the drinking got worse, it became harder to mask. Believe me, I've been asking myself this question a lot though.


This is so true. Usually when people ask, "why did you marry such a jerk then?" I tell them - people change. But the idea of not just changing, but *masking* in the first place - I never thought about that before. It adds an element of intent to deceive.


People change but not their basic morals. If they were indeed bad and you didn't see the mask, you didn't want to or didn't see take enough time before committing. Women are always in rush to settle and then they claim they didn't see it coming.

It’s always easier to blame the victim.


You can support the victim AND simultaneously highlight the root cause to stop others from making the same mistakes.

Don't rush, don't settle, do your homework, screen, do trial run, spend time with their friends and family so you get a better picture of who they are.


NP. My DH completely changed when we had kids. Exactly how do you propose I should have seen that coming? Is there a "trial run" with kids that I didn't know about?

We were together 6 years before marrying, and lived together for 2 years. I thought I knew him. He talked a big talk about how much he loved kids, being an active parent, equal partnership, being more involved than his dad was, etc. Once the realities of actual parenting set in, he mentally checked out. We both work hybrid, full-time, but I carry 95% of the responsibility of house and kids.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 13:53     Subject: Would you seperate/divorce if your spouse treated you like this?
Anonymous wrote:Right. People don’t seems to process that ending the marriage does not end the abuse, and often makes it worse; you trade that for being away from him 50% of the time, less parenting help, less economic security, less time to spend with your kids because you are now breadwinner for your household, and future stepmother and step or half siblings, and less future inheritance for your child.


People who think staying with an abusive spouse under the delusion of 'protecting' the kids don't seem to realize that their kids will continue to witness abuse and will likely be targets themselves. These people don't seem to realize how damaging it is to grow up not being able to trust parents and without a consistently safe home.

I grew up with DV. I used to think my mother was as much a victim of my father as my siblings and I were. Once I had kids of my own, I realized just how much she failed us and how we were shaped by those experiences. What a difference it would have made to have had a place where we weren't witnesses to and victims of DV.

https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/effects-domestic-violence-children
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 11:48     Subject: Re:Would you seperate/divorce if your spouse treated you like this?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, why did you marry this man? He sounds like an A$$


I swear to God I am going to lobby Jeff to immediately delete this idiotic response every time it comes up.


It’s really not idiotic though. Not saying it’s OP’s fault or that she deserves it, but honestly, the same things my DH did while dating he’s doing now, worse so to the point that I’ve contemplated divorce. I knew what he’s capable of, that things could get worse, and made a choice because I wanted a family.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 11:39     Subject: Would you seperate/divorce if your spouse treated you like this?
Decision to have children with someone is not something to take lightly.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 11:38     Subject: Re:Would you seperate/divorce if your spouse treated you like this?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, why did you marry this man? He sounds like an A$$


He masked very well for a long time. When the drinking got worse, it became harder to mask. Believe me, I've been asking myself this question a lot though.


This is so true. Usually when people ask, "why did you marry such a jerk then?" I tell them - people change. But the idea of not just changing, but *masking* in the first place - I never thought about that before. It adds an element of intent to deceive.


People change but not their basic morals. If they were indeed bad and you didn't see the mask, you didn't want to or didn't see take enough time before committing. Women are always in rush to settle and then they claim they didn't see it coming.

It’s always easier to blame the victim.


You can support the victim AND simultaneously highlight the root cause to stop others from making the same mistakes.

Don't rush, don't settle, do your homework, screen, do trial run, spend time with their friends and family so you get a better picture of who they are.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 11:30     Subject: Would you seperate/divorce if your spouse treated you like this?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I left when it got impossible to live next to him. I was told later that half his family is autistic. Still don't know if he was or not. He just kept telling me how he didn't know why he behaved like that, but that was after I had already left. He did things that hurt him, and family around him. No hobbies, no friends.

OP here. This is the same with DH, drinks way too much, has very few friends, is not close with his family, no hobbies, and is resentful that I am social and have as many friends as I do.

I am in a similar position. He makes twice as much as I do and so I am afraid to leave.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 11:17     Subject: Would you seperate/divorce if your spouse treated you like this?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We are in the process of getting divorce over something far less serious. His behavior is a shame! Wow shushing you, barking at you, leaving you behind in restaurants wow…My wife is leaving me because she said I have gotten complacent in our marriage and I don’t want to spend time with her which is true. However I have never disrespected her like your husband is disrespecting you. This guy needs therapy.


This is sad that the two of you could not make it work. I suspect your wife has unrealistic expectations of what is available on the dating scene.


Wtf? Wife wants someone to spend time with. That's unrealistic? Why are you blowing smoke up this guy's a$$?
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 11:11     Subject: Re:Would you seperate/divorce if your spouse treated you like this?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, why did you marry this man? He sounds like an A$$


He masked very well for a long time. When the drinking got worse, it became harder to mask. Believe me, I've been asking myself this question a lot though.


This is so true. Usually when people ask, "why did you marry such a jerk then?" I tell them - people change. But the idea of not just changing, but *masking* in the first place - I never thought about that before. It adds an element of intent to deceive.


People change but not their basic morals. If they were indeed bad and you didn't see the mask, you didn't want to or didn't see take enough time before committing. Women are always in rush to settle and then they claim they didn't see it coming.

It’s always easier to blame the victim.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 10:53     Subject: Would you seperate/divorce if your spouse treated you like this?
Anonymous wrote:I have been married for 16 years and have 3 kids, ranging in age from 9 to 15. I recently started going to therapy to deal with ongoing issues in my marriage. DH will only go to couple's counseling if I drag him so I decided to go on my own. My therapist calls DH's behavior toward the kids and particularly me, emotionally and verbally abusive. I have been processing it all and am trying to determine how I've put up with it for so long, is it really emotional abuse, are my kids going to be ok, and should I leave now or try to wait until the kids are out of the house.

Here are some examples of DH's behavior- mocks/mimics the kids; if I bring up a serious topic he doesn't want to discuss, he'll accuse me of 'liking drama', or he'll accuse me of trying to ruin his night, or he'll get up and leave the room. He has also left me at restaurants multiple times, has shushed me if I bring up an emotional issue, and does a barking sound (in front of the kids) if he thinks I'm nagging. He's also emotionally shut off in general and takes his work stress out on us. We walk on eggshells. After reading other's experiences on here, I do think he has ASD but that is another topic. Right now I would just appreciate feedback from others who have been in a similar situation with a spouse who was emotionally/verbally abusive and what did you do?



Your therapist said it was emotional and verbal abuse. Are you questioning that?

For what it's worth, my husband grew up in a house with an emotionally and verbally abusive father and it was awful. He has done a ton of work to undo how he was raised but I couldn't put my kids through that.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 10:41     Subject: Re:Would you seperate/divorce if your spouse treated you like this?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, why did you marry this man? He sounds like an A$$


I swear to God I am going to lobby Jeff to immediately delete this idiotic response every time it comes up.


Not PP but guess it needs to be said so more people won't make similar mistakes and use time and judgment to screen partners before marrying and popping babies.


Great. Please start a Mental Disorder pre marriage class for everyone. I was certainly blindsided.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 10:39     Subject: Re:Would you seperate/divorce if your spouse treated you like this?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, why did you marry this man? He sounds like an A$$


He masked very well for a long time. When the drinking got worse, it became harder to mask. Believe me, I've been asking myself this question a lot though.


This is so true. Usually when people ask, "why did you marry such a jerk then?" I tell them - people change. But the idea of not just changing, but *masking* in the first place - I never thought about that before. It adds an element of intent to deceive.

I don’t think it’s a calculated deception, more like their true self cannot be repressed beyond a point and they don’t see more any need to put on a front.


In our case he had only unmasked and was his ugly self if he was around people for more than 3 days solid.

So for my parents, whom we visited during Covid or traveled with and all stayed together in large rentals, and for a family down the road we’d stay with them at their beach house. We stopped getting invited after he banged my head on the cupboard because HE needed a coffee mug for his coffee asap and I was in the small kitchen making 4 kids lunch sandwiches. I told him to wait, he didn’t and banged my head and then proceeded to try to yell at me forever. The couple told him to go take a walk, immediately.

He’s HFA and usually masking but can only do so in spurts, so during the work days, and on trips he’s usually feigning that he has to work and will cut out.

When lodging with others for more than a weekend, he runs out of gas, starts getting angry, outbursts at any comments, jerk to me, ignores his kids entirely. Unmasked.

But if we have our own resort unit, only me and the kids would know his anger cycles.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 09:52     Subject: Re:Would you seperate/divorce if your spouse treated you like this?
Going to therapy and learning that the way my parents treat me was emotionally abusive turned on lightbulb for me. My whole life I was taught to be grateful and I gaslighted myself into believing what they told me - they loved me despite that I was XYZ. I started connecting the dots to my unhappiness with XH who also was quite emotionally abusive. He didn't leave me at restaurants but had walked ahead of me many times when we lived in a city, would do the opposite of comfort me if I was anxious about something (even when pregnant), and was financially controlling and demeaned me so much I didn't think I could make it outside of him.

Well, I finally had enough and separated. Nothing angers a narcissist more than having their ego bruised so badly. Dealing with him in divorce has been really tough. But once I got out, got a new job, broke off contact with my parents - it's like I'm a new person. Don't underestimate the toxicity of people in your life.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 09:38     Subject: Re:Would you seperate/divorce if your spouse treated you like this?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, why did you marry this man? He sounds like an A$$


I swear to God I am going to lobby Jeff to immediately delete this idiotic response every time it comes up.


Not PP but guess it needs to be said so more people won't make similar mistakes and use time and judgment to screen partners before marrying and popping babies.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 09:22     Subject: Would you seperate/divorce if your spouse treated you like this?
Anonymous wrote:We are in the process of getting divorce over something far less serious. His behavior is a shame! Wow shushing you, barking at you, leaving you behind in restaurants wow…My wife is leaving me because she said I have gotten complacent in our marriage and I don’t want to spend time with her which is true. However I have never disrespected her like your husband is disrespecting you. This guy needs therapy.


This is sad that the two of you could not make it work. I suspect your wife has unrealistic expectations of what is available on the dating scene.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 09:20     Subject: Would you seperate/divorce if your spouse treated you like this?
One of the 3 "A"s, reason for divorce is abuse (verbal abuse)

The other two are addiction and adultery.

I lived in a verbally abusive marriage (without kids). My life was a lot better when he left.

I agree that people can mask things well early on.