Anonymous wrote:I feel so triggered by these threads because my husband is the one who has withheld sex at various times in the marriage and I genuinely felt at times that he was using it as a bargaining chip. Where are all these husbands who want sex all the time and how did I end up with this rare bird who doesn’t??!? It’s really not ok to withhold and I feel bad for any man who goes through that. Even if you are not at your happiest, once you start you can get in the mood.

You are not alone in this experience. My ex husband would withhold sex. It was absolute torture that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore and began an affair with a coworker. My only regret is that I didn’t divorce him immediately when this started instead of suffering for several years (and in my sexual prime). I am certain he did it for control and to abuse me. I sympathize wholeheartedly with men who complain about their wives withholding sex. It is highly manipulative and abusive.

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Anonymous wrote:It's the source of my depression and the reason I'm half the person I could be in every way.

I'll get roasted alive for that statement. But consider removing "sex" and replacing it with "love" and you'd probably be more understanding. To many, sex is the expression of love. So withholding sex feels like withholding love, likely from the person you most need to love you.

It feels that way to you, ok, but not necessarily to the person not wanting it. In other words, don't assign motives where they may not exist.

Lol.

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Anonymous wrote:I feel so triggered by these threads because my husband is the one who has withheld sex at various times in the marriage and I genuinely felt at times that he was using it as a bargaining chip. Where are all these husbands who want sex all the time and how did I end up with this rare bird who doesn’t??!? It’s really not ok to withhold and I feel bad for any man who goes through that. Even if you are not at your happiest, once you start you can get in the mood.

Lol I love how you say this like it's new information to us and that it's some kind of simple solution. "oh geeze if only someone had told me to be open to sex even when I wasn't super aroused maybe my husband and I wouldn't have argued about it for six months." I figured out this basic fact of human sexuality when I was 17. Sorry for what you're going through but you have a simplistic understanding of sex and you should learn more about it.

Not pp but you are way overcomplicating it. If you are arguing with your husband and not having sex for 6 months at a time, perhaps you should get to the bottom of what the issue is. It's not normal to not be in a mood for 6 months at a time if you're healthy.

You missed my point. My point was that PP has a very shallow understanding of human sexuality if she thinks that the problem is that people are unaware that you can get in the mood after a few minutes of intimacy. That's so condescending.

You've made a bunch of odd assumptions about my life but you're so far off base it's not worth trying to correct you.

I don't know, sometimes people do need the reminder that just doing it will often make you feel better about it. Exercise is that way. Intellectually I know that if I just get started, it'll do good things for me - both during, and after exercising. But sometimes that knowledge isn't enough to get me past the inertia. Having someone articulate and reinforce what I already know might help me get past that inertia the next time.

No, that comment was like someone who has been a babysitter giving a mom of three a lecture about parenting. Sure, the babysitter could have great advice but it's far more likely to just be condescending.

It’s not like that at all- I’m the one who made the original comment and I have been married for almost 16 years, so it’s NOT like a babysitter giving instructions to a mom, it’s a wife giving her take to another wife. If you are spending half the year fighting over sex with your husband, maybe you are the one who needs to be open to these very basic suggestions.

Anonymous wrote:It's the source of my depression and the reason I'm half the person I could be in every way.

I'll get roasted alive for that statement. But consider removing "sex" and replacing it with "love" and you'd probably be more understanding. To many, sex is the expression of love. So withholding sex feels like withholding love, likely from the person you most need to love you.

It feels that way to you, ok, but not necessarily to the person not wanting it. In other words, don't assign motives where they may not exist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so triggered by these threads because my husband is the one who has withheld sex at various times in the marriage and I genuinely felt at times that he was using it as a bargaining chip. Where are all these husbands who want sex all the time and how did I end up with this rare bird who doesn’t??!? It’s really not ok to withhold and I feel bad for any man who goes through that. Even if you are not at your happiest, once you start you can get in the mood.

What was his reasons for taking sex away?

He had tons of reasons- there is always a reason not to have sex if you’re looking for one!

In truth he has a lot of anxiety and can’t have sex if he is stressed, anxious, tired, etc. And because of his anxiety he was stressed basically always- and this isn’t someone with a particularly stressful job or lifestyle. And the anxiety, anger problems he was having had other implications and the marriage became lousy in general.

It took a long time and way too many discussions and marriage counselling for our lives and marriage to reach a healthier, happier place. Now he is able to enjoy sex a lot more. In fact, he wanted sex today and I didn’t really want to, but I thought “eh, why not” and I did it and got to O and relax and enjoy. So sometimes, yeah, you just do it and enjoy and it’s not mind blowing or anything but it’s fun and nice.

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Anonymous wrote:I feel so triggered by these threads because my husband is the one who has withheld sex at various times in the marriage and I genuinely felt at times that he was using it as a bargaining chip. Where are all these husbands who want sex all the time and how did I end up with this rare bird who doesn’t??!? It’s really not ok to withhold and I feel bad for any man who goes through that. Even if you are not at your happiest, once you start you can get in the mood.

Lol I love how you say this like it's new information to us and that it's some kind of simple solution. "oh geeze if only someone had told me to be open to sex even when I wasn't super aroused maybe my husband and I wouldn't have argued about it for six months." I figured out this basic fact of human sexuality when I was 17. Sorry for what you're going through but you have a simplistic understanding of sex and you should learn more about it.

Not pp but you are way overcomplicating it. If you are arguing with your husband and not having sex for 6 months at a time, perhaps you should get to the bottom of what the issue is. It's not normal to not be in a mood for 6 months at a time if you're healthy.

You missed my point. My point was that PP has a very shallow understanding of human sexuality if she thinks that the problem is that people are unaware that you can get in the mood after a few minutes of intimacy. That's so condescending.

You've made a bunch of odd assumptions about my life but you're so far off base it's not worth trying to correct you.

I don't know, sometimes people do need the reminder that just doing it will often make you feel better about it. Exercise is that way. Intellectually I know that if I just get started, it'll do good things for me - both during, and after exercising. But sometimes that knowledge isn't enough to get me past the inertia. Having someone articulate and reinforce what I already know might help me get past that inertia the next time.

No, that comment was like someone who has been a babysitter giving a mom of three a lecture about parenting. Sure, the babysitter could have great advice but it's far more likely to just be condescending.

Wow, you're really something. I didn't take that comment as condescending at all. Presumably you're both women who have had sex with your loved ones so I'm not sure how you made the babysitter comparison. And sometimes babysitters have great ideas.

I literally said the babysitter could have great advice. The analogy is because PP and I are on different sides of the issue here. I know many things that she does not. That period of low libido was so hard for me. I read a ton and talked to therapists and I am certain I have more knowledge and experience about how to manage a period of low libido than she does. That's fine if you didn't find it condescending but I bet that you also didn't go through what I did in terms of low libido and trying to crawl out of the situation.

Huh? How the hell would you know that I didn't? You talk about me assuming things. I've been on antidepressants for many years (a huge cause of low libido), I've been depressed, pregnant, peri-menopausal, you name it. I just choose to prioritize intimacy in my relationship. It's fine if you don't. But please get off your high horse.

I wish my wife prioritized like you. She's too concerned with her own feelings. Or hates me. Those two seem different but they're not.

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Anonymous wrote:I feel so triggered by these threads because my husband is the one who has withheld sex at various times in the marriage and I genuinely felt at times that he was using it as a bargaining chip. Where are all these husbands who want sex all the time and how did I end up with this rare bird who doesn’t??!? It’s really not ok to withhold and I feel bad for any man who goes through that. Even if you are not at your happiest, once you start you can get in the mood.

Lol I love how you say this like it's new information to us and that it's some kind of simple solution. "oh geeze if only someone had told me to be open to sex even when I wasn't super aroused maybe my husband and I wouldn't have argued about it for six months." I figured out this basic fact of human sexuality when I was 17. Sorry for what you're going through but you have a simplistic understanding of sex and you should learn more about it.

Not pp but you are way overcomplicating it. If you are arguing with your husband and not having sex for 6 months at a time, perhaps you should get to the bottom of what the issue is. It's not normal to not be in a mood for 6 months at a time if you're healthy.

You missed my point. My point was that PP has a very shallow understanding of human sexuality if she thinks that the problem is that people are unaware that you can get in the mood after a few minutes of intimacy. That's so condescending.

You've made a bunch of odd assumptions about my life but you're so far off base it's not worth trying to correct you.

I don't know, sometimes people do need the reminder that just doing it will often make you feel better about it. Exercise is that way. Intellectually I know that if I just get started, it'll do good things for me - both during, and after exercising. But sometimes that knowledge isn't enough to get me past the inertia. Having someone articulate and reinforce what I already know might help me get past that inertia the next time.

No, that comment was like someone who has been a babysitter giving a mom of three a lecture about parenting. Sure, the babysitter could have great advice but it's far more likely to just be condescending.

Wow, you're really something. I didn't take that comment as condescending at all. Presumably you're both women who have had sex with your loved ones so I'm not sure how you made the babysitter comparison. And sometimes babysitters have great ideas.

I literally said the babysitter could have great advice. The analogy is because PP and I are on different sides of the issue here. I know many things that she does not. That period of low libido was so hard for me. I read a ton and talked to therapists and I am certain I have more knowledge and experience about how to manage a period of low libido than she does. That's fine if you didn't find it condescending but I bet that you also didn't go through what I did in terms of low libido and trying to crawl out of the situation.

Huh? How the hell would you know that I didn't? You talk about me assuming things. I've been on antidepressants for many years (a huge cause of low libido), I've been depressed, pregnant, peri-menopausal, you name it. I just choose to prioritize intimacy in my relationship. It's fine if you don't. But please get off your high horse.

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Anonymous wrote:I feel so triggered by these threads because my husband is the one who has withheld sex at various times in the marriage and I genuinely felt at times that he was using it as a bargaining chip. Where are all these husbands who want sex all the time and how did I end up with this rare bird who doesn’t??!? It’s really not ok to withhold and I feel bad for any man who goes through that. Even if you are not at your happiest, once you start you can get in the mood.

Lol I love how you say this like it's new information to us and that it's some kind of simple solution. "oh geeze if only someone had told me to be open to sex even when I wasn't super aroused maybe my husband and I wouldn't have argued about it for six months." I figured out this basic fact of human sexuality when I was 17. Sorry for what you're going through but you have a simplistic understanding of sex and you should learn more about it.

Not pp but you are way overcomplicating it. If you are arguing with your husband and not having sex for 6 months at a time, perhaps you should get to the bottom of what the issue is. It's not normal to not be in a mood for 6 months at a time if you're healthy.

You missed my point. My point was that PP has a very shallow understanding of human sexuality if she thinks that the problem is that people are unaware that you can get in the mood after a few minutes of intimacy. That's so condescending.

You've made a bunch of odd assumptions about my life but you're so far off base it's not worth trying to correct you.

I don't know, sometimes people do need the reminder that just doing it will often make you feel better about it. Exercise is that way. Intellectually I know that if I just get started, it'll do good things for me - both during, and after exercising. But sometimes that knowledge isn't enough to get me past the inertia. Having someone articulate and reinforce what I already know might help me get past that inertia the next time.

No, that comment was like someone who has been a babysitter giving a mom of three a lecture about parenting. Sure, the babysitter could have great advice but it's far more likely to just be condescending.

Wow, you're really something. I didn't take that comment as condescending at all. Presumably you're both women who have had sex with your loved ones so I'm not sure how you made the babysitter comparison. And sometimes babysitters have great ideas.

I literally said the babysitter could have great advice. The analogy is because PP and I are on different sides of the issue here. I know many things that she does not. That period of low libido was so hard for me. I read a ton and talked to therapists and I am certain I have more knowledge and experience about how to manage a period of low libido than she does. That's fine if you didn't find it condescending but I bet that you also didn't go through what I did in terms of low libido and trying to crawl out of the situation.

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Anonymous wrote:I feel so triggered by these threads because my husband is the one who has withheld sex at various times in the marriage and I genuinely felt at times that he was using it as a bargaining chip. Where are all these husbands who want sex all the time and how did I end up with this rare bird who doesn’t??!? It’s really not ok to withhold and I feel bad for any man who goes through that. Even if you are not at your happiest, once you start you can get in the mood.

Lol I love how you say this like it's new information to us and that it's some kind of simple solution. "oh geeze if only someone had told me to be open to sex even when I wasn't super aroused maybe my husband and I wouldn't have argued about it for six months." I figured out this basic fact of human sexuality when I was 17. Sorry for what you're going through but you have a simplistic understanding of sex and you should learn more about it.

Not pp but you are way overcomplicating it. If you are arguing with your husband and not having sex for 6 months at a time, perhaps you should get to the bottom of what the issue is. It's not normal to not be in a mood for 6 months at a time if you're healthy.

You missed my point. My point was that PP has a very shallow understanding of human sexuality if she thinks that the problem is that people are unaware that you can get in the mood after a few minutes of intimacy. That's so condescending.

You've made a bunch of odd assumptions about my life but you're so far off base it's not worth trying to correct you.

I don't know, sometimes people do need the reminder that just doing it will often make you feel better about it. Exercise is that way. Intellectually I know that if I just get started, it'll do good things for me - both during, and after exercising. But sometimes that knowledge isn't enough to get me past the inertia. Having someone articulate and reinforce what I already know might help me get past that inertia the next time.

No, that comment was like someone who has been a babysitter giving a mom of three a lecture about parenting. Sure, the babysitter could have great advice but it's far more likely to just be condescending.

Wow, you're really something. I didn't take that comment as condescending at all. Presumably you're both women who have had sex with your loved ones so I'm not sure how you made the babysitter comparison. And sometimes babysitters have great ideas.

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Anonymous wrote:I feel so triggered by these threads because my husband is the one who has withheld sex at various times in the marriage and I genuinely felt at times that he was using it as a bargaining chip. Where are all these husbands who want sex all the time and how did I end up with this rare bird who doesn’t??!? It’s really not ok to withhold and I feel bad for any man who goes through that. Even if you are not at your happiest, once you start you can get in the mood.

Lol I love how you say this like it's new information to us and that it's some kind of simple solution. "oh geeze if only someone had told me to be open to sex even when I wasn't super aroused maybe my husband and I wouldn't have argued about it for six months." I figured out this basic fact of human sexuality when I was 17. Sorry for what you're going through but you have a simplistic understanding of sex and you should learn more about it.

Not pp but you are way overcomplicating it. If you are arguing with your husband and not having sex for 6 months at a time, perhaps you should get to the bottom of what the issue is. It's not normal to not be in a mood for 6 months at a time if you're healthy.

You missed my point. My point was that PP has a very shallow understanding of human sexuality if she thinks that the problem is that people are unaware that you can get in the mood after a few minutes of intimacy. That's so condescending.

You've made a bunch of odd assumptions about my life but you're so far off base it's not worth trying to correct you.

Well perhaps you should get more educated about what you can do to get yourself in the mood. They have tons of books on the subject. She is right that even when you're not a 100% in the mood, presumably the person you love would be able to get you in the mood after a few minutes. Not sure why you're so defensive about this.

Agreed. This gets to the point someone makes above. It's suspect to go months or years of not being in the mood and claim to love the person. If you don't love them, stop torturing them and just end it.

So if a married couple is acting like this should sex come off the table all together on both of them??

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Anonymous wrote:I feel so triggered by these threads because my husband is the one who has withheld sex at various times in the marriage and I genuinely felt at times that he was using it as a bargaining chip. Where are all these husbands who want sex all the time and how did I end up with this rare bird who doesn’t??!? It’s really not ok to withhold and I feel bad for any man who goes through that. Even if you are not at your happiest, once you start you can get in the mood.

Lol I love how you say this like it's new information to us and that it's some kind of simple solution. "oh geeze if only someone had told me to be open to sex even when I wasn't super aroused maybe my husband and I wouldn't have argued about it for six months." I figured out this basic fact of human sexuality when I was 17. Sorry for what you're going through but you have a simplistic understanding of sex and you should learn more about it.

Not pp but you are way overcomplicating it. If you are arguing with your husband and not having sex for 6 months at a time, perhaps you should get to the bottom of what the issue is. It's not normal to not be in a mood for 6 months at a time if you're healthy.

You missed my point. My point was that PP has a very shallow understanding of human sexuality if she thinks that the problem is that people are unaware that you can get in the mood after a few minutes of intimacy. That's so condescending.

You've made a bunch of odd assumptions about my life but you're so far off base it's not worth trying to correct you.

I don't know, sometimes people do need the reminder that just doing it will often make you feel better about it. Exercise is that way. Intellectually I know that if I just get started, it'll do good things for me - both during, and after exercising. But sometimes that knowledge isn't enough to get me past the inertia. Having someone articulate and reinforce what I already know might help me get past that inertia the next time.

No, that comment was like someone who has been a babysitter giving a mom of three a lecture about parenting. Sure, the babysitter could have great advice but it's far more likely to just be condescending.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I feel so triggered by these threads because my husband is the one who has withheld sex at various times in the marriage and I genuinely felt at times that he was using it as a bargaining chip. Where are all these husbands who want sex all the time and how did I end up with this rare bird who doesn’t??!? It’s really not ok to withhold and I feel bad for any man who goes through that. Even if you are not at your happiest, once you start you can get in the mood.

Lol I love how you say this like it's new information to us and that it's some kind of simple solution. "oh geeze if only someone had told me to be open to sex even when I wasn't super aroused maybe my husband and I wouldn't have argued about it for six months." I figured out this basic fact of human sexuality when I was 17. Sorry for what you're going through but you have a simplistic understanding of sex and you should learn more about it.

Not pp but you are way overcomplicating it. If you are arguing with your husband and not having sex for 6 months at a time, perhaps you should get to the bottom of what the issue is. It's not normal to not be in a mood for 6 months at a time if you're healthy.

You missed my point. My point was that PP has a very shallow understanding of human sexuality if she thinks that the problem is that people are unaware that you can get in the mood after a few minutes of intimacy. That's so condescending.

You've made a bunch of odd assumptions about my life but you're so far off base it's not worth trying to correct you.

Well perhaps you should get more educated about what you can do to get yourself in the mood. They have tons of books on the subject. She is right that even when you're not a 100% in the mood, presumably the person you love would be able to get you in the mood after a few minutes. Not sure why you're so defensive about this.

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Anonymous wrote:I feel so triggered by these threads because my husband is the one who has withheld sex at various times in the marriage and I genuinely felt at times that he was using it as a bargaining chip. Where are all these husbands who want sex all the time and how did I end up with this rare bird who doesn’t??!? It’s really not ok to withhold and I feel bad for any man who goes through that. Even if you are not at your happiest, once you start you can get in the mood.

Lol I love how you say this like it's new information to us and that it's some kind of simple solution. "oh geeze if only someone had told me to be open to sex even when I wasn't super aroused maybe my husband and I wouldn't have argued about it for six months." I figured out this basic fact of human sexuality when I was 17. Sorry for what you're going through but you have a simplistic understanding of sex and you should learn more about it.

Not pp but you are way overcomplicating it. If you are arguing with your husband and not having sex for 6 months at a time, perhaps you should get to the bottom of what the issue is. It's not normal to not be in a mood for 6 months at a time if you're healthy.

You missed my point. My point was that PP has a very shallow understanding of human sexuality if she thinks that the problem is that people are unaware that you can get in the mood after a few minutes of intimacy. That's so condescending.

You've made a bunch of odd assumptions about my life but you're so far off base it's not worth trying to correct you.

I don't know, sometimes people do need the reminder that just doing it will often make you feel better about it. Exercise is that way. Intellectually I know that if I just get started, it'll do good things for me - both during, and after exercising. But sometimes that knowledge isn't enough to get me past the inertia. Having someone articulate and reinforce what I already know might help me get past that inertia the next time.

It's the source of my depression and the reason I'm half the person I could be in every way.

I'll get roasted alive for that statement. But consider removing "sex" and replacing it with "love" and you'd probably be more understanding. To many, sex is the expression of love. So withholding sex feels like withholding love, likely from the person you most need to love you.