Anonymous wrote:I think in a couple with a car, the non-driver (outside of disability) actually is weaponizing incompetence. Imagine some dude saying "oh I can't cook dinner I might burn the house down" and the wife saying "ah he's got cooking anxiety so it's ok if I have to do all the cooking."

I don't think that's equivalent because there are ways to prepare food that are less likely to burn the house down (use a microwave! Have a fire extinguisher handy! Make a cold sandwich!) but it's not as easy to mitigate risk when driving. If you hit someone, they really could die.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think in a couple with a car, the non-driver (outside of disability) actually is weaponizing incompetence. Imagine some dude saying "oh I can't cook dinner I might burn the house down" and the wife saying "ah he's got cooking anxiety so it's ok if I have to do all the cooking."

I drive, but that analogy doesn't work for me. For instance, my husband doesn't cook because he's terrible at it, I'm very good and enjoy cooking, and we are all happier if I am the family chef. He does other things.

It would be a problem if I minded it or wanted to share the load, but I don't.

Couples get to balance things according to their own preferences, it doesn't make it a weapon not to split every chore 50/50.

Driving is not a chore. It's a necessity (not including in cities).

Anonymous wrote:I think in a couple with a car, the non-driver (outside of disability) actually is weaponizing incompetence. Imagine some dude saying "oh I can't cook dinner I might burn the house down" and the wife saying "ah he's got cooking anxiety so it's ok if I have to do all the cooking."

I drive, but that analogy doesn't work for me. For instance, my husband doesn't cook because he's terrible at it, I'm very good and enjoy cooking, and we are all happier if I am the family chef. He does other things.

It would be a problem if I minded it or wanted to share the load, but I don't.

Couples get to balance things according to their own preferences, it doesn't make it a weapon not to split every chore 50/50.

Anonymous wrote:I do wonder about the couples where one person doesn't drive, not due to disability or other obvious reason. Do they just rely on their partners to do all of the things that involve driving? What is they have kids? It seems in those cases like the couple has agreed that one of them is allowed to be a juvenile, in essence.

I have a medical issue that makes it so I can’t drive sometimes, basically when I am due for a treatment soon and my last treatment has mostly worn off. I live in DC and can take the Metro locally during times when I can’t drive. My husband usually drives when we are together. He rarely has driven me somewhere that he wasn’t already going, but he has here and there (e.g., to medical appointments).

I don’t have kids, which removes some potential issues. And I do I worry about how this will affect me as I age, but for now I take things as they come. But I don’t view it as infantilizing. I view it as my husband giving me the help that I need. I think I would feel the same way of my lack of driving was because of anxiety rather than because of the medical issue I have.

I think in a couple with a car, the non-driver (outside of disability) actually is weaponizing incompetence. Imagine some dude saying "oh I can't cook dinner I might burn the house down" and the wife saying "ah he's got cooking anxiety so it's ok if I have to do all the cooking."

I think the distinction some are missing is the "never learned to drive" versus "doesn't drive."

You can have anxiety but still know HOW to drive. You may not choose to, but you still know how.

I assume they have either a learning disability, traffic anxiety or spatial/coordination issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is wild to me. All of you associating the ability to operate a single type of machine with maturity. Do you have a similar level of judgement on people who don’t go to college? Don’t own houses in their own names? Hire other people to do their taxes? Don’t have a passport?

The only place where I see that there is a maturity issue is when a person has access to a car, does not have a disability or some PTSD-like issue, and lives outside of an area with tons of public transportation. Particularly if they have a spouse. Just seems like weaponized incompetence.

Agree.

It also means: you expect me to drive you.

But I’m not interested and comfortable telling you no. We are probably not going to be friends.

I see. Maybe it’s because I’ve always lived in cities that I just don’t see the lack of a drivers license as a sign of incomplete adulthood; no one I know without a car expects anyone to drive them anywhere. If they’re going somewhere without access via public transit, they just use Uber; it’s no big deal. But if a nominal peer always expected me to drive them (or handhold them on the metro or take charge of their transportation in any way) I too would consider that immature/annoying. I think it’s the asking that’s the problem/sign of immaturity, not the lack of drivers license.

Super weird. If they didn't grow up in like NYC (even a mid-dense city like DC is a reasonable spot to know how to drive) then definitely i think it comes across as a deficit to have never decided to learn.

As long as they’re not relying on others to get around and not sponging why do you care?

I’m the one with the SIL from up thread. She worked full time and paid for taxis, didn’t sponge. Then they moved out to the country where it wasn’t such a problem.

Anonymous wrote:This thread is wild to me. All of you associating the ability to operate a single type of machine with maturity. Do you have a similar level of judgement on people who don’t go to college? Don’t own houses in their own names? Hire other people to do their taxes? Don’t have a passport?

Those are totally bizarre analogies. Better analogies would be... a 40 year old who never moved out of the family home, never learned to prepare basic foods for themselves (cereal, toast, etc), etc. Because just like never learning to drive (unless you live in a big city) means you always have a dependency on others, and never learn to develop basic skills towards independence. It's a normal part of growing up.

Anonymous wrote:My DD has a learning disability. She would be a danger on the road, to herself and others. She will have to live an urban area and use public transportation. You wouldn’t know it if you met her; she’s very high functioning in other ways. If you think she’s immature and pathetic, perhaps you’d like her to give driving a whirl…you wouldn’t want to be on the road, though. It pains me a great deal, but we try to maximize the ways in which she can be independent. I’m grateful for Uber.

Driving requires a good deal of executive functioning, common sense, and the ability to think on your feet and manage multiple levels of awareness at the same time.

This is me. I don't have a diagnosis and have a high IQ, but I have pretty bad hand eye coordination and am bad at determining where the car is on the road and anticipating what other drivers are going to do. I got my license but don't use it and it is better for everyone. But I don't ask for rides. I am good at walking, biking, taking transit, and using rideshare. So far I have never had to turn down a business trip and I get where I need to go in my personal life, with the exception of things where anyone would need help, like after a medical procedure. My spouse likes driving but if I need to get somewhere myself I don't ask for a ride. I would like to be a better driver and maybe if we lived somewhere that had less traffic and fewer other options I would try harder, but it isn't a big limitation in DC and I firmly believe that everyone else is safer without me driving!

I drive, but avoid highways. I know the local roads much better than my DH,

Anonymous wrote:This thread is wild to me. All of you associating the ability to operate a single type of machine with maturity. Do you have a similar level of judgement on people who don’t go to college? Don’t own houses in their own names? Hire other people to do their taxes? Don’t have a passport?

I'd compare it more to cooking or figuring out your bills.

People may say they have anxiety about doing those things, but I do think that if they can't get over that to have basic adult skills, then they are immature.

My DD has a learning disability. She would be a danger on the road, to herself and others. She will have to live an urban area and use public transportation. You wouldn’t know it if you met her; she’s very high functioning in other ways. If you think she’s immature and pathetic, perhaps you’d like her to give driving a whirl…you wouldn’t want to be on the road, though. It pains me a great deal, but we try to maximize the ways in which she can be independent. I’m grateful for Uber.

Driving requires a good deal of executive functioning, common sense, and the ability to think on your feet and manage multiple levels of awareness at the same time.