Anonymous
Post 01/18/2024 09:25     Subject: Allowing dangerous play
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am not sure whether having a lower threshold for dangerous play means you allow more or less?


I allow more dangerous play than other parents.


Buttt why


Because i think its good for them to learn to manage risk at a younger age to be safer when they are older.


She posts here and literally does nothing. After all, defiance is now protected under ODD as opposed to the true cause: ahole child, wimp parents.

I'm someone who allows a fair amount of risk. But freedom to play, and experiences with things like woodworking tools and stoves and knives in the kitchen.

But, I also think there's value in learning to manage social situations from a younger age, and allowing your kids to show off behaviors that their friends aren't allowed to do is teaching them to be obnoxious. Find other opportunities for risks, and set limits in the situations you describe where other parents are saying no.

For the situations in your own home, when the other parents aren't there, it's harder because you might allow something, that you don't know the other parent wouldn't allow.


In those situations, I do tell my kids to stop what they're doing, that they're being bad influences. But one of my kids is a bit oppositional and defiant, so doesn't listen. And in a situation like that, where we have always allowed them to do the said thing (like climb high up a tree), I can't seem to convince them why they should come down. And if I bring up the other kids, it just seems to make them resent their presence more because it limits them from doing their normal thing.


Wow, OK so that's a whole different problem. What consequences do you have for that kind of defiance?
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2024 09:25     Subject: Allowing dangerous play
I feel you OP. I have this question a lot. Boys playing - the edges are blurry on what’s being active and what’s taking things too far.

And you’re trying to monitor but not be a helicopter. And for my part, sometimes I’m trying to be a tiny bit “cool” (while not pushing past my standards) because I know I’d rather them play at my house than at others. I don’t think the other moms watch closely enough. I have seen what boys (big brothers of mine) can do when they are bored and think no one is paying attention. Literally, assault.

The stairs riding thing has happened at my house. When I saw it starting, they jumped in without asking. I let each boy take 2-3 turns before putting a stop to it. The worst kid of course took 2 more turns. Ugh.

I don’t want them getting hurt! I don’t want broken property. But I’d rather them be active than play video games or watch YT. And they need to get their energy out somehow.

It’s easier to manage my 2 boys. It’s harder to manage when other kids are around.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2024 09:20     Subject: Allowing dangerous play
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am not sure whether having a lower threshold for dangerous play means you allow more or less?


I allow more dangerous play than other parents.


Buttt why


Because i think its good for them to learn to manage risk at a younger age to be safer when they are older.


Great. Sliding down a banister doesn't help kids learn to manage risk.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2024 09:20     Subject: Allowing dangerous play
Anonymous wrote:Houses are not designed to be playgrounds. Kids should do running/sliding play outside. Just because your own kids haven’t been hurt or damaged the house so far doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. You need to put a stop to that and initiate some fun indoor games like charades or send them outside.

If kids are getting hurt outside playing tag then I would try to figure out why. Hopefully it’s not that your kids are too rough.


One of my kid's friend injured their head pretty badly while playing tag at the playground, trying to run and duck under a structure. Honestly, I was a bit traumatized from that incident, and I feel nervous about them ever playing tag again unless it's in an open field without any tripping hazards or other structures.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2024 09:19     Subject: Allowing dangerous play
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am not sure whether having a lower threshold for dangerous play means you allow more or less?


I allow more dangerous play than other parents.


Buttt why


Because i think its good for them to learn to manage risk at a younger age to be safer when they are older.


I'm someone who allows a fair amount of risk. But freedom to play, and experiences with things like woodworking tools and stoves and knives in the kitchen.

But, I also think there's value in learning to manage social situations from a younger age, and allowing your kids to show off behaviors that their friends aren't allowed to do is teaching them to be obnoxious. Find other opportunities for risks, and set limits in the situations you describe where other parents are saying no.

For the situations in your own home, when the other parents aren't there, it's harder because you might allow something, that you don't know the other parent wouldn't allow.


In those situations, I do tell my kids to stop what they're doing, that they're being bad influences. But one of my kids is a bit oppositional and defiant, so doesn't listen. And in a situation like that, where we have always allowed them to do the said thing (like climb high up a tree), I can't seem to convince them why they should come down. And if I bring up the other kids, it just seems to make them resent their presence more because it limits them from doing their normal thing.


This is a problem of your own creation. Your kids are oppositional and defiant, so you don't tell them not to do things. Ok.

Tell them they can't have friends over if they don't listen. And then enforce that. I'm not against rough play but it sounds like your kids are brats, honestly.


If it makes you feel better to start name-calling my kids, go right on ahead.


You're the one who said your kid was oppositional and defiant. Seriously.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2024 09:17     Subject: Allowing dangerous play
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am not sure whether having a lower threshold for dangerous play means you allow more or less?


I allow more dangerous play than other parents.


Buttt why


Because i think its good for them to learn to manage risk at a younger age to be safer when they are older.


I'm someone who allows a fair amount of risk. But freedom to play, and experiences with things like woodworking tools and stoves and knives in the kitchen.

But, I also think there's value in learning to manage social situations from a younger age, and allowing your kids to show off behaviors that their friends aren't allowed to do is teaching them to be obnoxious. Find other opportunities for risks, and set limits in the situations you describe where other parents are saying no.

For the situations in your own home, when the other parents aren't there, it's harder because you might allow something, that you don't know the other parent wouldn't allow.


In those situations, I do tell my kids to stop what they're doing, that they're being bad influences. But one of my kids is a bit oppositional and defiant, so doesn't listen. And in a situation like that, where we have always allowed them to do the said thing (like climb high up a tree), I can't seem to convince them why they should come down. And if I bring up the other kids, it just seems to make them resent their presence more because it limits them from doing their normal thing.


Wow, OK so that's a whole different problem. What consequences do you have for that kind of defiance?


She doesn't have any. Her kids are brats and she is lazy.

Reread her first post. None of those behaviors are egregious. Most parents are Ok with those things.

Now read her second post.

She lets them do whatever no guidance at all. Which is different from just letting them be Kids.

Nope she has no rules. That is why kids are getting hurt.

It is fine to. teach your kids to think for themselves absolutely that is not what is happening here.

My guess is if her kid wanted to jump off the roof of her house she'd be fine with it.




See this is why I have issues. PP hears what I let them do, thinks I'm a lazy parent who lets them do whatever the heck they want to do and have zero rules. And that I'm at fault for the kids getting hurt, and that I'd be fine with the kids jumping off the roof.

I think what I allow is perfectly reasonable for our kids. But then when other kids come over or when we have a playdate, I start being the helicopter mom because there are parents like above.


Um, PP thinks you're a lazy parent because you said telling your kids no doesn't work well so you don't do it. That is what is lazy.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2024 09:15     Subject: Allowing dangerous play
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am not sure whether having a lower threshold for dangerous play means you allow more or less?


I allow more dangerous play than other parents.


Buttt why


Because i think its good for them to learn to manage risk at a younger age to be safer when they are older.


I'm someone who allows a fair amount of risk. But freedom to play, and experiences with things like woodworking tools and stoves and knives in the kitchen.

But, I also think there's value in learning to manage social situations from a younger age, and allowing your kids to show off behaviors that their friends aren't allowed to do is teaching them to be obnoxious. Find other opportunities for risks, and set limits in the situations you describe where other parents are saying no.

For the situations in your own home, when the other parents aren't there, it's harder because you might allow something, that you don't know the other parent wouldn't allow.


How is it teaching them to be obnoxious when they have no way of knowing what the other kids are not allowed to do?


If the other parent is right there telling their kid "you can't climb trees" and OP's kid is there, then OP's kid does in fact know what the other kid is not allowed to do.


Np. But in this example, why does "knowing the other kid isn't allowed to climb trees" mean "I can't climb trees?"


Because when you invite someone to your house, they are your guest. Indulging in activities your guest cannot participate in is a dick move. How do you not know this?
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2024 09:15     Subject: Allowing dangerous play
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am not sure whether having a lower threshold for dangerous play means you allow more or less?


I allow more dangerous play than other parents.


Buttt why


Because i think its good for them to learn to manage risk at a younger age to be safer when they are older.


I'm someone who allows a fair amount of risk. But freedom to play, and experiences with things like woodworking tools and stoves and knives in the kitchen.

But, I also think there's value in learning to manage social situations from a younger age, and allowing your kids to show off behaviors that their friends aren't allowed to do is teaching them to be obnoxious. Find other opportunities for risks, and set limits in the situations you describe where other parents are saying no.

For the situations in your own home, when the other parents aren't there, it's harder because you might allow something, that you don't know the other parent wouldn't allow.


In those situations, I do tell my kids to stop what they're doing, that they're being bad influences. But one of my kids is a bit oppositional and defiant, so doesn't listen. And in a situation like that, where we have always allowed them to do the said thing (like climb high up a tree), I can't seem to convince them why they should come down. And if I bring up the other kids, it just seems to make them resent their presence more because it limits them from doing their normal thing.


This is a problem of your own creation. Your kids are oppositional and defiant, so you don't tell them not to do things. Ok.

Tell them they can't have friends over if they don't listen. And then enforce that. I'm not against rough play but it sounds like your kids are brats, honestly.


If it makes you feel better to start name-calling my kids, go right on ahead.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2024 09:13     Subject: Allowing dangerous play
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am not sure whether having a lower threshold for dangerous play means you allow more or less?


I allow more dangerous play than other parents.


Buttt why


Because i think its good for them to learn to manage risk at a younger age to be safer when they are older.


I'm someone who allows a fair amount of risk. But freedom to play, and experiences with things like woodworking tools and stoves and knives in the kitchen.

But, I also think there's value in learning to manage social situations from a younger age, and allowing your kids to show off behaviors that their friends aren't allowed to do is teaching them to be obnoxious. Find other opportunities for risks, and set limits in the situations you describe where other parents are saying no.

For the situations in your own home, when the other parents aren't there, it's harder because you might allow something, that you don't know the other parent wouldn't allow.


How is it teaching them to be obnoxious when they have no way of knowing what the other kids are not allowed to do?


You said that if you tell your kid they can't do something because their friend can't do it they will react badly. So you are telling them it is something the other kids are not allowed to do and your kids don't care at all and you apparently also don't care. That's teaching them to be obnoxious. They're learning that they can ignore their friend's feelings with zero consequences. Except that I imagine there would be consequences. If I were a mom who had sent a kid over to your house for a play date in the past, I'd stop doing so after reading your posts.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2024 09:10     Subject: Allowing dangerous play
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am not sure whether having a lower threshold for dangerous play means you allow more or less?


I allow more dangerous play than other parents.


Buttt why


Because i think its good for them to learn to manage risk at a younger age to be safer when they are older.


I'm someone who allows a fair amount of risk. But freedom to play, and experiences with things like woodworking tools and stoves and knives in the kitchen.

But, I also think there's value in learning to manage social situations from a younger age, and allowing your kids to show off behaviors that their friends aren't allowed to do is teaching them to be obnoxious. Find other opportunities for risks, and set limits in the situations you describe where other parents are saying no.

For the situations in your own home, when the other parents aren't there, it's harder because you might allow something, that you don't know the other parent wouldn't allow.


In those situations, I do tell my kids to stop what they're doing, that they're being bad influences. But one of my kids is a bit oppositional and defiant, so doesn't listen. And in a situation like that, where we have always allowed them to do the said thing (like climb high up a tree), I can't seem to convince them why they should come down. And if I bring up the other kids, it just seems to make them resent their presence more because it limits them from doing their normal thing.


This is a problem of your own creation. Your kids are oppositional and defiant, so you don't tell them not to do things. Ok.

Tell them they can't have friends over if they don't listen. And then enforce that. I'm not against rough play but it sounds like your kids are brats, honestly.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2024 09:08     Subject: Allowing dangerous play
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, when you have other kids over, you should attempt to keep them safe. Sure, things happen. But you seem to be aware that your kids bring out wildness in other kids. (Fwiw, we have found it to be true that ADHD kids attract ADHD kids. Something for you to think about.)

Sounds like you need smaller playdates. Or shorter. Or with more adults around.


Yes I am aware. And I find myself always policing. Or just limiting playdates to just one kid at a time, or limiting them altogether. But I don't think that's the best approach.


Then what do you think is the best approach? Warning the parents it's Lord of the Flies at your house and then shrugging when their kids get hurt?
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2024 09:07     Subject: Re:Allowing dangerous play
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am also really mindful of this discrepancy when our kids are playing and the other parents are around. Their kids see our kids doing something, and then their kids want to do the same thing. But it's something the other kids would never allow their kids to do. Either because they are more cautious, or because they are younger.

But in effect, our kids are the bad influences and the other parents end up having to set limits or deal with whining and tantrums.


Or...you could tell your kids to do something that all the kids can do?
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2024 08:27     Subject: Allowing dangerous play
Broken arm or leg-risk play? Yeah, maybe. Broken neck-risk play without parents’ permission? No.

One of my kids was hit in the eye with a foam sword during a sleepover so we spent the next 24 hrs in the ER and next 5 years working with a retina specialist. There was a lot of debate among parents in the class and our friend circle about whether a serious eye injury was a reasonable risk. Full spectrum of opinions. Ultimately, many parents decided that particular household didn’t provide enough supervision for rough play and the parent insisting on inclusion of the out of control much younger sibling who poked my kid’s eye intentionally was too risky. She was irate and complained that her children were being shunned. She couldn’t see that others just wanted to protect their own.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2024 08:22     Subject: Allowing dangerous play
I would never consider playing tag at the playground or sliding down the stairs as dangerous. You really can’t live in a bubble, OP.

Anonymous
Post 01/18/2024 08:20     Subject: Allowing dangerous play
Houses are not designed to be playgrounds. Kids should do running/sliding play outside. Just because your own kids haven’t been hurt or damaged the house so far doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. You need to put a stop to that and initiate some fun indoor games like charades or send them outside.

If kids are getting hurt outside playing tag then I would try to figure out why. Hopefully it’s not that your kids are too rough.