My DH's nephews are big examples of failure to launch, including a lack of college (failed sporadically taken classes at NOVA), lack of employment (both go for years with no job, then work at a place like the Amazon warehouse for a few months, and then get fired for not showing up because they didn't get out of bed), and addiction to cannabis and video games.

The father was unmedicated and mentally ill and screamed at them a lot (we don't know if he physically abused them or not, but probably); he terrorized them. He died several years ago. The mother was totally enmeshed with the boys and used her them for all of the emotional intimacy she didn't get from her DH -- so she kept them infantalized. She never disciplined them, never said anything about the constant smell of weed.

The are now mid-thirties and nothing has changed. They still live at home. The mother gives them money. The mother makes dinner every night as if they were 10 years old. They do nothing to help out (the mother recently hired someone to freaking mow their lawn). One of them does do the grocery shopping -- but he does it because his mother gives him her debit card and he uses it to get cash back (and of course she never says anything about this).

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Anonymous wrote:better to live in my basement than die

So long as you're getting them the psychiatric treatment they need, yes

You can't force an adult to get the psychiatric treatment they may need.

This is very true. But you can say, unless you meet with a psychiatrist/therapist on a regular schedule and take the meds they prescribe, you can't live here.

Throwing your kids out to live on the streets is one of the most brutal and difficult things parents could ever do. Why are we even talking about this here? Whoever wrote this clearly has no understanding of the issues involved, this is like talking to a five year old

The whole idea is the kid doesn't want to go to the streets so he toes the line wrt getting treatment. A five-year-old (note the correct hyphens) would understand that.

That is not how mental illness works (or how a lot of young men work). It's not coldly rational, a matter of the right incentives. You sound incredibly naive.

I have a young adult son with some of the issues described here. Setting treatment expectations in return for financial support does help.

Anonymous wrote:Activity is the best thing to overcome many of these issues though per the research. So it draws out the mental health issues by having people just hang around a house doing nothing.

But activating that activity can be truly such a challenge.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:better to live in my basement than die

So long as you're getting them the psychiatric treatment they need, yes

You can't force an adult to get the psychiatric treatment they may need.

This is very true. But you can say, unless you meet with a psychiatrist/therapist on a regular schedule and take the meds they prescribe, you can't live here.

Throwing your kids out to live on the streets is one of the most brutal and difficult things parents could ever do. Why are we even talking about this here? Whoever wrote this clearly has no understanding of the issues involved, this is like talking to a five year old

The whole idea is the kid doesn't want to go to the streets so he toes the line wrt getting treatment. A five-year-old (note the correct hyphens) would understand that.

My child is only 17 so there's still time, but she is 100% compliant with all prescribed treatment, and yet things most of us take for granted are still really hard. If she can't live independently at 21, of course I'll support her.

Anonymous wrote:Activity is the best thing to overcome many of these issues though per the research. So it draws out the mental health issues by having people just hang around a house doing nothing.

So you’ve had a child with “these issues”…and you were able to force them into activity? Please enlighten everyone struggling.

OP, consider yourself very lucky that you & your close friends/family are not familiar with what can cause this. You are lucky, and don’t need to judge those that haven’t been as lucky.

In my circle, there have been a few families in this situation. It was agonizing, in many cases - think suicide attempts, self harm, mental illness, eating disorder, etc. You may not be aware of what is happening in the home, maybe your friend/family member/neighbor doesn’t want to share it is trying to put on a good face. But rest assured, they are probably not just “allowing” it…they are doing the best they can & who even knows what to do?

Activity is the best thing to overcome many of these issues though per the research. So it draws out the mental health issues by having people just hang around a house doing nothing.

The kid I know was diagnosed with a serious learning disability after not succeeding at first yr of college. Trying community college and one parent is very ill with cancer. So, things are complicated and getting this kid launched is not the priority. If it takes several extra years for some kids. . . who cares. Life's not a race.

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry…the vast majority of the 21 year olds living at home and doing nothing don’t have all these severe psychological problems.

I agree it’s not OP’s problem…but only on DCUM would there be a litany of kids with these psyche issues.

They absolutely do. Just because the disabilities are invisible to you, doesn't mean they're not there. Mental issues often don't come singly. Autism, for example, usually comes with anxiety, ADHD, sleep disorders (and constipation!). Sometimes that mix becomes so debilitating they can't work or get an education. Sometimes it's severe depression. Sometimes it's agoraphobia.

You are wrong. And aren't you so lucky to not know anything about it!!!

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Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry…the vast majority of the 21 year olds living at home and doing nothing don’t have all these severe psychological problems.

I agree it’s not OP’s problem…but only on DCUM would there be a litany of kids with these psyche issues.

21 year olds DO have all these problems. So many of them are on the autism spectrum or have ADHD. Most of them have anxiety and depression. They can barely function without their phones. And then Covid on top of all that messed them up completely.

Are you claiming that the majority of 21 year olds living at home and not working have all these problems? I didn’t say none…but you can’t honestly tell me the majority of unemployed 21 year olds at home have these problems.

How many unemployed 21 year olds are doing nothing sitting at home?

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Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry…the vast majority of the 21 year olds living at home and doing nothing don’t have all these severe psychological problems.

I agree it’s not OP’s problem…but only on DCUM would there be a litany of kids with these psyche issues.

21 year olds DO have all these problems. So many of them are on the autism spectrum or have ADHD. Most of them have anxiety and depression. They can barely function without their phones. And then Covid on top of all that messed them up completely.

Are you claiming that the majority of 21 year olds living at home and not working have all these problems? I didn’t say none…but you can’t honestly tell me the majority of unemployed 21 year olds at home have these problems.

Yes, I think the majority of twenty-somethings living at home and not working are suffering from anxiety or depression at the very least. Likely additional issues as well.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he has some mental health issues and they are allowing him a safe place while he works on them? Why do you care?

This. Is a more common situation than you’d think

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Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry…the vast majority of the 21 year olds living at home and doing nothing don’t have all these severe psychological problems.

I agree it’s not OP’s problem…but only on DCUM would there be a litany of kids with these psyche issues.

21 year olds DO have all these problems. So many of them are on the autism spectrum or have ADHD. Most of them have anxiety and depression. They can barely function without their phones. And then Covid on top of all that messed them up completely.

Are you claiming that the majority of 21 year olds living at home and not working have all these problems? I didn’t say none…but you can’t honestly tell me the majority of unemployed 21 year olds at home have these problems.

Also there are young 20 somethings dealing with serious illness that others don't know about. I've avoided family because I'm not going to explain why my kid is neither working nor going to school right now. His medical issues are his business and he wants privacy.

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry…the vast majority of the 21 year olds living at home and doing nothing don’t have all these severe psychological problems.

I agree it’s not OP’s problem…but only on DCUM would there be a litany of kids with these psyche issues.

21 year olds DO have all these problems. So many of them are on the autism spectrum or have ADHD. Most of them have anxiety and depression. They can barely function without their phones. And then Covid on top of all that messed them up completely.