Anonymous
01/15/2024 12:28
Subject: Re:DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
...This is the situation with my father, and it gets worse as he ages further. He’ll never see that people don’t enjoy these conversations. My mother is worse. Her narcissism is mostly around culture and religion. She’s also over-the-top anxious and has needed meds all her life but of course, everyone else has been the problem because they just won’t agree with her that the world is a dreadful place. She never accepted that most other people do not accept her fears, and that is where she’s often butted heads with my DH because he refuses to agree with her....
You said in your OP that your DH has had some 'awful spats' with your parents. If they're because of what you wrote above, I can see why your DH finds them intolerable. Normal people recognize when they're in conflict territory with others and move conversations in a different direction to avoid conflict. Insisting that someone agree with you or expecting the to listen to stories where you're always the hero because of your insecurities would be tough to endure. I suspect, as others have pointed out, that it's a lot worse than what you are describing.
I wouldn't want to spend time with your parents either. Rather than accommodating their anxiety, insecurities and boorish behaviors, you should have established boundaries like your DH has.
Anonymous
01/15/2024 12:24
Subject: Re:DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
You state that: 1. You've always found your parents difficult, 2. Your DH dislikes them, and 3. It's a difficult trip to visit them.
Why do you want your children around difficult, unlikable people? Why do you want to be around them? Why try to force DH to see them and damage your marriage?
I think you should seriously consider therapy to sort this out. It sounds like you're determined to sacrifice your DH/marriage and kids to difficult people that you don't especially like. Why? Your kids won't change who they are and they won't magically become different people for your kids. Even though you understand why they are the way they are, that doesn't erase their behavior.
Why do this?
Why do you want your children around difficult, unlikable people? Why do you want to be around them? Why try to force DH to see them and damage your marriage?
I think you should seriously consider therapy to sort this out. It sounds like you're determined to sacrifice your DH/marriage and kids to difficult people that you don't especially like. Why? Your kids won't change who they are and they won't magically become different people for your kids. Even though you understand why they are the way they are, that doesn't erase their behavior.
Why do this?
Anonymous
01/15/2024 12:22
Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
Anonymous wrote:I don’t care for in-laws, and they have been markedly uninvolved grandparents. We do visit 1-2 year, staying in a hotel, and trying to find some additional activities for our DCs. I do this because I want my DH to be okay with his relationship with them especially because they are older with some health issues. I feel it is my obligation as a spouse, and he has always been good with my parents. It is on him to bring it up, but I will continue to support him
If he wants us to go. He usually visits once a year without us as well. They will be gone eventually, and I don’t want any tension about this between us. I can grin and bear it for a few days a couple times a year. Your DH can too.
Ah, the old 'I feel it's my obligation so it must be your obligation, too' and "since I do it, others can do it" argument.
Anonymous
01/15/2024 12:04
Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:They're unpleasant, fearful, judgmental and have narcissitic tendencies that I believe are a cover for breathtaking insecurity.
DH and I would be able to leave the kids with them, go away to a nice hotel for a night or two and try to turn it into something positive.
I can not reconcile these two things. Like it's bizarre you would consider leaving your kids with someone you describe that way, that they don't even know.
I would just take your children by yourself, but only if you don't plan to leave them with your parents.
New poster. Just STFU. My mother takes the crown for narcissism and unpleasantness. Still she loves her grandkids and before she got to be old AF we’d happily leave them with her for a few days and think nothing of it. OP never said they were abusive or neglectful or child molesters for Pete’s sake.
You’re just one of those crazy black-and-white thinking DCUM women who hates old people, hates in laws, and sees everything rigidly, angrily and judgmentally without understanding the subtleties and complications in people. There are so many of you on here and it’s sad.
Ha, yeah, it’s your mom who is unpleasant. Got it.
Anonymous
01/15/2024 12:04
Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
Anonymous wrote:Since we started dating, DH has always had a problem with my parents. FWIW, I've always had a problem with them, too. They're unpleasant, fearful, judgmental and have narcissitic tendencies that I believe are a cover for breathtaking insecurity. I do understand why they are who they are and it's not worth completely cutting them off. They've always needed therapy and they will go to their graves without seeking it. I accept that.
That said, at this stage of my life, I know they enjoy being grandparents and I can tolerate them in small doses and manage short visits, let's say 3-4 days staying at a hotel (they live a plane ride away). We have not visited them in three years because our kids are small, have been hard to travel with and DH loathes visiting my hometown, and did I mention he has a problem with them? I get it, he doesn't like them, he's even had awful spats with them. If they dropped dead tomorrow he wouldn't shed a single tear. Alas, they're getting very old and I'd like to visit a few times over the next year or two to bring the kids by, let them see where i grew up, collect some of my belongings at their house, and see an old neighbor or two still there I've always liked. I am not suggesting we crash there for a week or more and blow our vacation time there. Again, I'm saying 3-4 days at most. That's all we can handle and it will spare us long visits from them. I know it wouldn't be so bad and DH and I would be able to leave the kids with them, go away to a nice hotel for a night or two and try to turn it into something positive.
Unfortunately, he's not supporting me on this. I'd really like him to come with me and make the best of it as I've done for him with his family (they're nowhere near as confrontational and socially awkward as mine).
Am I in the wrong to want him to come on a few trips with me and the kids (and help manage them) before my parenst end up in a nursing home or die? We can afford 1-2 trips per year for the next few years, so money is not an issue.
I would suggest once a year, take kids with you so your parents get to see them while DH can relax at home or take a trip somewhere else. Once a year, leave kids home with him and you go and spend some peaceful time with your parents and actually focus on them and help with their problems. I don't see any point in pressuring DH or making your relationship sour.
Anonymous
01/15/2024 11:59
Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
Your DH has a right not to set foot in your parents' house. If you really want him to go with you, either stay at your sister's place or a hotel (even if it's 20 minutes away).
The mere idea of asking him to stay in your parents' house, even if only for 2-3 nights, is extremely unpalatable that I don't blame your DH for balking at it.
The mere idea of asking him to stay in your parents' house, even if only for 2-3 nights, is extremely unpalatable that I don't blame your DH for balking at it.
Anonymous
01/15/2024 11:57
Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
In my experience, parents who are OK / good grandparents and so get a pass do so because it's actually easy to be agreeable when the grandchildren are babies / young toddlers. But when their grandchildren get older and become fully functional humans themselves with their own thoughts and ideas the relationship strains again and the cycle repeats.
Anonymous
01/15/2024 11:46
Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
My in-laws are toxic people. They love me and have always treated me well because they were so happy I married their daughter. I am well off with a strong family. But, they are toxic to the point where one of the other will call my wife cry and screaming because they are fighting.
My wife then is hysterical and has to drive over (1.5 hours) to their house and calm things down. It's sad when your KID has to come over and help you with your marriage. They are both in the mid to late 70s. Yet, they are very immature.
I hate going there and do it 2-3 times a year just to be nice and because I want them to see their grandkid. I cannot wait for them to pass. Hate to say it, but they have been nothing but a negative impact on my family.
My wife then is hysterical and has to drive over (1.5 hours) to their house and calm things down. It's sad when your KID has to come over and help you with your marriage. They are both in the mid to late 70s. Yet, they are very immature.
I hate going there and do it 2-3 times a year just to be nice and because I want them to see their grandkid. I cannot wait for them to pass. Hate to say it, but they have been nothing but a negative impact on my family.
Anonymous
01/15/2024 11:38
Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:They're unpleasant, fearful, judgmental and have narcissitic tendencies that I believe are a cover for breathtaking insecurity.
DH and I would be able to leave the kids with them, go away to a nice hotel for a night or two and try to turn it into something positive.
I can not reconcile these two things. Like it's bizarre you would consider leaving your kids with someone you describe that way, that they don't even know.
I would just take your children by yourself, but only if you don't plan to leave them with your parents.
New poster. Just STFU. My mother takes the crown for narcissism and unpleasantness. Still she loves her grandkids and before she got to be old AF we’d happily leave them with her for a few days and think nothing of it. OP never said they were abusive or neglectful or child molesters for Pete’s sake.
You’re just one of those crazy black-and-white thinking DCUM women who hates old people, hates in laws, and sees everything rigidly, angrily and judgmentally without understanding the subtleties and complications in people. There are so many of you on here and it’s sad.
Ha, yeah, it’s your mom who is unpleasant. Got it.
I think she might be the MIL. I’ve never heard anyone vigorously defend narcissists.
I’m a different poster. While I’m not exactly defending narcissists, my dad is a deeply insecure man who solves for this by being super egocentric and making himself the hero of every store he tells. He is a pretty complicated guy and I don’t enjoy spending time with him at all. But he is perfectly ok with his grandkids for a few hours. I think there are all kinds of levels of “narcissism” and some narcissists can babysit grandkids. While I think the poster you responded to was way over the top, I do agree that DCUM lacks nuance — I’m sure I do too when posting on a board where you don’t have all the facts.
OP here. This is the situation with my father, and it gets worse as he ages further. He’ll never see that people don’t enjoy these conversations. My mother is worse. Her narcissism is mostly around culture and religion. She’s also over-the-top anxious and has needed meds all her life but of course, everyone else has been the problem because they just won’t agree with her that the world is a dreadful place. She never accepted that most other people do not accept her fears, and that is where she’s often butted heads with my DH because he refuses to agree with her.
They were never physically abusive nor alcoholics nor gamblers who left their kids in rags. They’re just very difficult, fearful, uncomfortable people who have made their own miserable beds. I had hoped that they would have retired well, renewed/refreshed their lives, and moved to a condo further south by the beach. They have plenty of money to do so. Instead, they’ve opted to stay in a house that’s too big for them. They’re sort of emotionally paralyzed watching their friends pass away or move away. I do on some level feel very sorry for them. But I get where DH is coming from. Walking into their house feels like walking into a tomb for the living. On some level, they’re in despair because life moved on without their blessing. They never got over us moving out of state, and I understand this has always been a big part if the problem. They’ve opted to spend their remaining years in a perpetual temper tantrum, perhaps.
That said, yes, visiting is like going for a medical procedure. But they are kind to the kids and treat them well. No one is going out cigarettes out on their arms. I do think I will have to take a deep breath and travel out there with one or two of the kids. I can’t leave my sibling to handle it all as our parents age. My DH’s parents are healthy with family nearby, so this situation may never be his problem. I’ll go without him if need be and do what I need to do.
Anonymous
01/15/2024 11:08
Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
I think it’s very possible that they are good grandparents to the kids but are now/were in the past, bad parents. My mom would say the same thing about my grandparents/her parents. It’s not so unusual.
It sounds like OP is going to have to do this trip alone, with or without the kids. I don’t think there’s any convincing the husband and even if she did, he’d be a poor travel companion and would likely pout and be upset the whole time. Better to do it alone even if logistically complicated. At least they can afford to stay in a hotel.
It sounds like OP is going to have to do this trip alone, with or without the kids. I don’t think there’s any convincing the husband and even if she did, he’d be a poor travel companion and would likely pout and be upset the whole time. Better to do it alone even if logistically complicated. At least they can afford to stay in a hotel.
Anonymous
01/15/2024 11:05
Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
Narcissism spectrum disorder. All mothers start at level six, as soon a child exists.
Anonymous
01/15/2024 10:56
Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
I honestly cannot comprehend this degree of coldness toward the people who raised you. Like how bad do they have to be?
Maybe it would be worthwhile for you to reflect on a simple fact that your parents are only human, with various human flaws. This should not be in the way of you loving them or supporting the grandparent relationship. It’s not like you can go to a supermarket and buy another pair of perfect parents. They are what you got. I would work hard on accepting this.
Maybe it would be worthwhile for you to reflect on a simple fact that your parents are only human, with various human flaws. This should not be in the way of you loving them or supporting the grandparent relationship. It’s not like you can go to a supermarket and buy another pair of perfect parents. They are what you got. I would work hard on accepting this.
Anonymous
01/15/2024 10:55
Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:They're unpleasant, fearful, judgmental and have narcissitic tendencies that I believe are a cover for breathtaking insecurity.
DH and I would be able to leave the kids with them, go away to a nice hotel for a night or two and try to turn it into something positive.
I can not reconcile these two things. Like it's bizarre you would consider leaving your kids with someone you describe that way, that they don't even know.
I would just take your children by yourself, but only if you don't plan to leave them with your parents.
New poster. Just STFU. My mother takes the crown for narcissism and unpleasantness. Still she loves her grandkids and before she got to be old AF we’d happily leave them with her for a few days and think nothing of it. OP never said they were abusive or neglectful or child molesters for Pete’s sake.
You’re just one of those crazy black-and-white thinking DCUM women who hates old people, hates in laws, and sees everything rigidly, angrily and judgmentally without understanding the subtleties and complications in people. There are so many of you on here and it’s sad.
Ha, yeah, it’s your mom who is unpleasant. Got it.
I think she might be the MIL. I’ve never heard anyone vigorously defend narcissists.
I’m a different poster. While I’m not exactly defending narcissists, my dad is a deeply insecure man who solves for this by being super egocentric and making himself the hero of every store he tells. He is a pretty complicated guy and I don’t enjoy spending time with him at all. But he is perfectly ok with his grandkids for a few hours. I think there are all kinds of levels of “narcissism” and some narcissists can babysit grandkids. While I think the poster you responded to was way over the top, I do agree that DCUM lacks nuance — I’m sure I do too when posting on a board where you don’t have all the facts.
Anonymous
01/15/2024 10:26
Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:They're unpleasant, fearful, judgmental and have narcissitic tendencies that I believe are a cover for breathtaking insecurity.
DH and I would be able to leave the kids with them, go away to a nice hotel for a night or two and try to turn it into something positive.
I can not reconcile these two things. Like it's bizarre you would consider leaving your kids with someone you describe that way, that they don't even know.
I would just take your children by yourself, but only if you don't plan to leave them with your parents.
New poster. Just STFU. My mother takes the crown for narcissism and unpleasantness. Still she loves her grandkids and before she got to be old AF we’d happily leave them with her for a few days and think nothing of it. OP never said they were abusive or neglectful or child molesters for Pete’s sake.
You’re just one of those crazy black-and-white thinking DCUM women who hates old people, hates in laws, and sees everything rigidly, angrily and judgmentally without understanding the subtleties and complications in people. There are so many of you on here and it’s sad.
Ha, yeah, it’s your mom who is unpleasant. Got it.
I think she might be the MIL. I’ve never heard anyone vigorously defend narcissists.
Sigh. No one is defending narcissists. You missed the point completely.
Anonymous
01/15/2024 10:24
Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:They're unpleasant, fearful, judgmental and have narcissitic tendencies that I believe are a cover for breathtaking insecurity.
DH and I would be able to leave the kids with them, go away to a nice hotel for a night or two and try to turn it into something positive.
I can not reconcile these two things. Like it's bizarre you would consider leaving your kids with someone you describe that way, that they don't even know.
I would just take your children by yourself, but only if you don't plan to leave them with your parents.
New poster. Just STFU. My mother takes the crown for narcissism and unpleasantness. Still she loves her grandkids and before she got to be old AF we’d happily leave them with her for a few days and think nothing of it. OP never said they were abusive or neglectful or child molesters for Pete’s sake.
You’re just one of those crazy black-and-white thinking DCUM women who hates old people, hates in laws, and sees everything rigidly, angrily and judgmentally without understanding the subtleties and complications in people. There are so many of you on here and it’s sad.
Ha, yeah, it’s your mom who is unpleasant. Got it.
Ha ha I’m actually very pleasant. I just get so tired of the DCUM black and white I hate my in-laws and want to see them suffer bandwagon.