Anonymous wrote:So many of the responses on here act like just the parents / parenting are the problem. If only the parent was better at parenting, the kid would always do as told / behave appropriately / listen / comply / have manners etc etc

I have 3 kids - one is super easy - all the basic parenting tools work like a charm. One is medium - requires me to put more work into holding consistent boundaries and discipline, requires some picking battles b/c i can't focus on all behavior at once, but in general if I put in the work, I get good returns. And one is just super difficult to parent. I've done in person parenting classes, read the books, talked to therapists, done the Dr. Becky etc parenting forums...and we've made good progress but he is still substantially less well behaved than my other two. The parenting class I did called him (and all the kids like him whose parents were also in the class) strong willed kids - ones who are often very smart so they're on alert for being manipulated, very motivated to try to control their world, very strategic thinkers etc (this fits my kid to a T and was the description used by the class teachers - not just my preening over my child). For the most part, they're neurotypical (many of us had done neuropsych evals bc parenting these kids takes so much work), they're just a certain personality and that personality may serve them very well in the future but is not docile and compliant now.

This is just a rant and perhaps PSA I guess, when you have a knee jerk reaction on here to a parents Q that they're just a bad or lazy parent, that they have no spine, that they need to learn some basic tools - trust that if they're bothering to post on here they are likely a parent who is trying very hard, using all the tools you've had to use for your easier child and then some, putting tremendous work into behavior charts and antecedent planning and when/then parenting and consequences and everything else. There is nothing "wrong" with these kids or these parents, they're just kids that take a lot more work and energy and creativity and thought partnership to raise. It is no more to my credit that one of my kids is so easy and compliant than it is to my fault that one is much more difficult.

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Anonymous wrote:I think you have some good points but it’s not as black and white as you are implying. Yes, every parent is trying their best, but some strategies are just not as effective and every parent has blind spots. I would absolutely rather be alerted to my blind spot than continue to struggle. So, I could turn your same question around and say, why are some parents so insecure and defensive that they assume that feedback is an attack on their parenting?

The best athletes in the world have multiple coaches and specialists who critique their performance every day. Authors have editors. Etc. Nobody is nailing it just through sheer effort, we all benefit from a feedback loop.

I don’t think the ugliness or mean tones are justified but I also don’t believe that every single kid who acts out is simply hopeless and just a harder kid. I’ve seen parents in real life who unknowingly cause or worsen their kids issues, despite the best of intentions!

Actually, I think the point is that not all parents have to give equal effort. Compliant/easy children are very forgiving in terms of parenting styles and techniques. Most will work decently with these kids. The more difficult kids are extremely unforgiving of different parenting techniques. Parents have to find the exact right one and be disciplined enough to be consistent 100% of the time. It is just not the same level of effort.

This. The problem on DCUM is that people with easy kids who don't have to work very hard at it will respond to threads posted by parents who are genuinely struggling and who want feedback and advice, who know that what they are doing isn't working and would like a gut check or a different perspective.

But too often the offered perspective is "just do X" because that's what people with easy kids do and it works, and they don't understand that the OP in those threads not only has already tried that, but also probably 6 other things, and consulted their pediatrician and talked to the teacher and read three books on the subject.

Some kids are just hard.

Who are these people? Pretty much every parent I know is working their a** off, even those with so-called “easy” kids. Parents of good, well behaved kids are probably working quite hard at it.

I was at my oldest’s soccer practice the other day and a mom sat next to me with her 2 and 4 year old calmly doing sticker books on a blanket the entire hour! Just sitting there happily! If I’d had my 2 and 4yo there it would have been hard work the whole time trying to keep them off the field, occupied with anything for more than 3 minutes etc etc. No amount of planning, good parenting, preparation, reward charts etc would make my kids do what those kids did.

I’m sure that parent is working hard in lots of ways, there’s endless things to worry about when parenting, but there are easy kids out there and I don’t have them.

I think often people who have sticker book children are oblivious to those of us whose children need significantly more activity/stimulation/less sleep than theirs.

You and your beleaguered cohort are absolutely projecting based on very limited information. It’s right there in what you’ve written.

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Anonymous wrote:I think you have some good points but it’s not as black and white as you are implying. Yes, every parent is trying their best, but some strategies are just not as effective and every parent has blind spots. I would absolutely rather be alerted to my blind spot than continue to struggle. So, I could turn your same question around and say, why are some parents so insecure and defensive that they assume that feedback is an attack on their parenting?

The best athletes in the world have multiple coaches and specialists who critique their performance every day. Authors have editors. Etc. Nobody is nailing it just through sheer effort, we all benefit from a feedback loop.

I don’t think the ugliness or mean tones are justified but I also don’t believe that every single kid who acts out is simply hopeless and just a harder kid. I’ve seen parents in real life who unknowingly cause or worsen their kids issues, despite the best of intentions!

Actually, I think the point is that not all parents have to give equal effort. Compliant/easy children are very forgiving in terms of parenting styles and techniques. Most will work decently with these kids. The more difficult kids are extremely unforgiving of different parenting techniques. Parents have to find the exact right one and be disciplined enough to be consistent 100% of the time. It is just not the same level of effort.

This. The problem on DCUM is that people with easy kids who don't have to work very hard at it will respond to threads posted by parents who are genuinely struggling and who want feedback and advice, who know that what they are doing isn't working and would like a gut check or a different perspective.

But too often the offered perspective is "just do X" because that's what people with easy kids do and it works, and they don't understand that the OP in those threads not only has already tried that, but also probably 6 other things, and consulted their pediatrician and talked to the teacher and read three books on the subject.

Some kids are just hard.

Who are these people? Pretty much every parent I know is working their a** off, even those with so-called “easy” kids. Parents of good, well behaved kids are probably working quite hard at it.

I was at my oldest’s soccer practice the other day and a mom sat next to me with her 2 and 4 year old calmly doing sticker books on a blanket the entire hour! Just sitting there happily! If I’d had my 2 and 4yo there it would have been hard work the whole time trying to keep them off the field, occupied with anything for more than 3 minutes etc etc. No amount of planning, good parenting, preparation, reward charts etc would make my kids do what those kids did.

I’m sure that parent is working hard in lots of ways, there’s endless things to worry about when parenting, but there are easy kids out there and I don’t have them.

I think often people who have sticker book children are oblivious to those of us whose children need significantly more activity/stimulation/less sleep than theirs.

Anonymous wrote:People never think their child is easy (unless they have multiples and a hard one is among them). People think they are superior parents.

Anonymous wrote:I mean this kindly - if you are that affected by people’s opinion of you, you need to stop engaging online./quote]

This isn’t an online issue - it’s an IRL issue. For example, it was my own parents who couldn’t understand (until years down the road) - because my sibling and I were easy kids.