Anonymous wrote:Long stare and pause. Then say, “What am I planning to do for what now?” When she repeats herself, tell her what’s for dinner and what time it’s being served, then with a big smile tell her she should absolutely make herself at home and have whatever she can find and feels like.

It doesn’t need to be passive aggressive.

I would say “Oh, I hadn’t really thought about it. I don’t have anything planned, please help yourself to whatever you like. There’s some cheese in the fridge and the bar is stocked.”

Anonymous wrote:Just have the girl put out a small spread and be done with it.

I agree it would have been poor manners if they asked for an organized cocktail hour after you’d said you weren’t planning one. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what happened here. Candidly, I think it is a bit rude not to do anything, particularly if that has been the daily cadence throughout their trip.

A proper cocktail hour is great for transitioning from daytime activities or work into the meal. It gives everyone a chance to socialize and develop an appetite. And it’s more inclusive in terms of participation and conversational subject matter than after dinner brandy/whiskey and cigars, which generally excludes the women and can involve a bit more blue language.

Men-only after-dinner brandy/whiskey and cigars? “Blue language”? Did you just step off the Titanic?

Anonymous wrote:Just have the girl put out a small spread and be done with it.

I agree it would have been poor manners if they asked for an organized cocktail hour after you’d said you weren’t planning one. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what happened here. Candidly, I think it is a bit rude not to do anything, particularly if that has been the daily cadence throughout their trip.

A proper cocktail hour is great for transitioning from daytime activities or work into the meal. It gives everyone a chance to socialize and develop an appetite. And it’s more inclusive in terms of participation and conversational subject matter than after dinner brandy/whiskey and cigars, which generally excludes the women and can involve a bit more blue language.

For goodness’ sake, it’s FAMILY visiting and they’ve already been there five nights. Are you like this when you visit family? I HELP when I’m a guest at my sister’s house or my parents’ house or my brother’s house or my IL’s house. I do not sit around for a week expecting to be served. After about two nights of “hosting hosting,” it’s time for family guests to get off their duff. At the very least, MIL could have asked, “I’d love some wine—would it be OK if I set up some cheese and crackers and poured some wine? Can I get you something?” Like, honestly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who TF says cocktail hour?

Boomers, as a way to cover up their excessive drinking. Both my parents and my ILs do this.

They act like everyone puts on a big show at 5 p.m. every night. Um, no, DH and I maybe have a drink at home once a week. We don’t put on an elaborate ritual every night to make binge drinking seem civilized.

It blows my mind at how much my ILs drink now that they are older. My MIL doesn't think twice about ordering a cocktail or glass of wine at lunch through the week. I met her the week before Christmas at Tyson's for some shopping for my DDs. When we had lunch, she had 2 glasses of wine and was peeved that I wouldn't even have one glass. Sorry, Lola, I'm 40 and hardly drink - one glass of wine makes me very sleepy and I had a conference call later that afternoon that I needed to attend.

MIL didn't like the nail salon that my DDs picked for them to all get their nails done because it didn't serve any alcohol. Like wtf lady?! Can you not do one thing without booze?

Just have the girl put out a small spread and be done with it.

I agree it would have been poor manners if they asked for an organized cocktail hour after you’d said you weren’t planning one. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what happened here. Candidly, I think it is a bit rude not to do anything, particularly if that has been the daily cadence throughout their trip.

A proper cocktail hour is great for transitioning from daytime activities or work into the meal. It gives everyone a chance to socialize and develop an appetite. And it’s more inclusive in terms of participation and conversational subject matter than after dinner brandy/whiskey and cigars, which generally excludes the women and can involve a bit more blue language.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so over hosting my ILs! They’re still here, which I wouldn’t mind so much, but they are very much still in “we expect to be hosted” mode. DH is at work and doesn’t get home until 6:30. I’m phoning in dinner with a Stouffer’s lasagna, a salad, and some breadsticks.

ILs asked “what are you planning to serve for cocktail hour.” Um, nothing. There’s beer and wine if you want to help yourself. You can scrounge around and make yourself cheese and crackers if you want to. But like, the nights of shrimp and full service are over. Thank goodness they leave tomorrow. Who expects to be fully hosted after so much time parked in someone else’s home?

This forum has turned into nothing but anti social cranks.

My grandpa was a very successful and very busy attorney and loved to entertain and host family and friends. Cocktail hour was every night at 5 pm. Didn’t matter who was visiting, he would have some light food, pour everyone booze and get people socializing.

Everyone has fond memories of my grandpa. What memories will people have of a crank who serves frozen lasagna?

Something tells me Grandpa wasn’t also taking care of preparing dinner, cleaning the house or caring for children as OP is. Your fond memories seem a bit warped.

Anonymous wrote:To be fair to your in-laws, if you hosted a cocktail hour for five days in a row, I can see why they would assume you were going to do it on day 6. In their mind, it’s what you do.

It sounds like they just asked a question, they did not make a demand. Why not just answer “I was not planning on anything, but please help yourself.”

There’s no excuse for rude guests to not read the room. If you don’t see that your hosts are starting to return to their normal routine, and are busy with household tasks, kids, work, etc., then you are a bad guest.

To be fair to your in-laws, if you hosted a cocktail hour for five days in a row, I can see why they would assume you were going to do it on day 6. In their mind, it’s what you do.

It sounds like they just asked a question, they did not make a demand. Why not just answer “I was not planning on anything, but please help yourself.”

My sister's wealthy inlaws literally travel with their own liquor and mixers because they don't want to risk running out or not having what they want.

Yeah after about night 3 of this I'd just be like "there's beer and wine in the fridge, chips and mixed nuts in the pantry, help yourselves."

Anonymous wrote:For my ILs brown liquor is definitely part of it, but it’s really about marking the beginning of the evening by coming together and sinking down into a cozy living or family room and just talking a bit with each other. Then we’ll head to the table for dinner, and then back to the sofas after dinner to keep the conversation going. They’re very social. I think it’s a wonderful routine.

Why does alcohol need to be a part of that routine? My sister and her husband do not drink, and they have nice ways of transitioning from one part of the day to the other, including the transition into dinner time/evening. I don’t understand why “brown liquor” must factor in for there to be “coming together and sinking down into a cozy living or family room.”

My grandparents always had 4pm happy hours but I think this was basically their dinner. Snacks and a drink. Now that my parents are in their mid 70s, they do this too. Happy hour nightly, which might be half a glass of wine and a bunch of finger foods. They prefer this over a big dinner and often have friends over. Yes, when they visit I have happy hours. My kids love it but it’s because they love the constant snacks. My parents will insist we don’t need dinner after but obviously we do.

I would be crazy if any of them stay with us for 6 nights. My parents or ILs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so over hosting my ILs! They’re still here, which I wouldn’t mind so much, but they are very much still in “we expect to be hosted” mode. DH is at work and doesn’t get home until 6:30. I’m phoning in dinner with a Stouffer’s lasagna, a salad, and some breadsticks.

ILs asked “what are you planning to serve for cocktail hour.” Um, nothing. There’s beer and wine if you want to help yourself. You can scrounge around and make yourself cheese and crackers if you want to. But like, the nights of shrimp and full service are over. Thank goodness they leave tomorrow. Who expects to be fully hosted after so much time parked in someone else’s home?

This forum has turned into nothing but anti social cranks.

My grandpa was a very successful and very busy attorney and loved to entertain and host family and friends. Cocktail hour was every night at 5 pm. Didn’t matter who was visiting, he would have some light food, pour everyone booze and get people socializing.

Everyone has fond memories of my grandpa. What memories will people have of a crank who serves frozen lasagna?

I agree, with the caveat that frozen lasagna is perfectly fine! You can serve anything with a sense of joy and hospitality. My father, after a lifetime of working to the bone for others, absolutely delights in having a drink made for him so I just keep vodka and ginger beer handy for an easy drink. That plus a can of peanuts and he is happy as a clam.

Hosting is wearing on you but your in laws are just trying to have fun and enjoy themselves and that’s not their fault. So it’s ok to feel put out from having guests around constantly but let’s let the old folks enjoy life.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Who TF says cocktail hour?[/quote]

Boomers, as a way to cover up their excessive drinking. Both my parents and my ILs do this.

They act like everyone puts on a big show at 5 p.m. every night. Um, no, DH and I maybe have a drink at home once a week. We don’t put on an elaborate ritual every night to make binge drinking seem civilized. [/quote]

[b]Says the old man whose wife never worked a minute in her life and was ready at the door to promptly start cocktail hour at 5 pm every single day if her uneventful life with him. 😆 [/b]

Shut up about boomers, lazy millennial who hates her parents. Sick of you![/quote][/quote]

Yuck to your response. I’m a millennial woman with a job but it is so rude to discount all the actual WORK that generation did, often not bc they wanted to, but bc as women it was difficult for them to be gainfully, meaningfully, or safely employed. Just because it was unpaid labor does not mean it was not work. And God forbid people CHOSE to take their limited resources and tried to make their family life and their corner of the world beautiful with them. I wonder if you have any idea what generations of women before us struggled through, to make your sneering attitude possible. So disrespectful.[/quote]

I agree it’s all disrespectful. But cocktail hours and the struggles you describe are more greatest and silent generations, not boomers, IMO.[/quote]

GenX and younger women are expected to work AND cater to boomer parents. And many work because we, don’t, have, a, choice.

I knew Boomers are really old now, although I did not fully appreciate how many still get cranky when they can't immediately have alcohol.