Anonymous
12/28/2023 17:44
Subject: My elderly mom just left. 5 nights. Not one shower.
Slipping in the bath is a real concern for the elderly, though, I do understand that.
My 85 yo aunt just fell a few weeks ago and broke both arms. She needed surgery on one of them and is now in a rehab facility for the next 4 weeks. Her shower was renovated to be old person friendly with a walk in door, benches, handles, and nonslip flooring. Even with all that, accidents unfortunately happen.
A fall is what killed my uncle. He developed pneumonia while recovering in the hospital and died shortly after. Terribly sad.
My 85 yo aunt just fell a few weeks ago and broke both arms. She needed surgery on one of them and is now in a rehab facility for the next 4 weeks. Her shower was renovated to be old person friendly with a walk in door, benches, handles, and nonslip flooring. Even with all that, accidents unfortunately happen.
A fall is what killed my uncle. He developed pneumonia while recovering in the hospital and died shortly after. Terribly sad.
Anonymous
12/28/2023 17:41
Subject: Re:My elderly mom just left. 5 nights. Not one shower.
This is what my parents fight about constantly, according to my mom.
My dad never wants to shower. He took a shower on Christmas Eve but before that, the last time he showered was 14 days prior. My mom keeps track in her phone calendar.
He apparently showered 3 times in the whole month of November.
He's not a big guy and doesn't do much to break a sweat, so he doesn't stink. Or at least I've never noticed. He apparently wipes down each morning with a wash cloth and dries off and feels that is more than enough.
They are both in their 70s. My mom brought it up at his last doctor visit and the doctor probed him about it. Was it a fear thing, was it a memory thing, etc. and didn't find that it was anything more than him not finding it necessary to shower often. The doctor said as long as he's visibly clean, not smelly, and has no sores, there's nothing he advises.
My brother is a contractor and renovated their shower earlier last year to a walk-in style shower with a bench. There are also handles. Makes no sense.
My dad never wants to shower. He took a shower on Christmas Eve but before that, the last time he showered was 14 days prior. My mom keeps track in her phone calendar.
He apparently showered 3 times in the whole month of November.
He's not a big guy and doesn't do much to break a sweat, so he doesn't stink. Or at least I've never noticed. He apparently wipes down each morning with a wash cloth and dries off and feels that is more than enough.
They are both in their 70s. My mom brought it up at his last doctor visit and the doctor probed him about it. Was it a fear thing, was it a memory thing, etc. and didn't find that it was anything more than him not finding it necessary to shower often. The doctor said as long as he's visibly clean, not smelly, and has no sores, there's nothing he advises.
My brother is a contractor and renovated their shower earlier last year to a walk-in style shower with a bench. There are also handles. Makes no sense.
Anonymous
12/28/2023 17:28
Subject: Re:My elderly mom just left. 5 nights. Not one shower.
There are real concerns for slipping/falling at her age. Does she live alone?
My parents grew up with the mentality that water shouldn't be wasted for showers. They did "bird baths" daily. But would shower once in a while. As my mother got older she became almost obsessed with fear of falling in the shower. We had handrails and anti-slip mats installed. She still preferred the bird baths and washing her hair in the sink over taking a shower. In terms of laundry, she tended to wear the same clothes over and over and rarely did laundry. We offered to hire someone to help with light housekeeping - which included the laundry. She just never put clothes in the laundry bin so the cleaning person was unsure what to wash besides bedding and towels. All of this is to say it's a "thing". When asked my mom would come up with excuse after excuse as to why she wasn't doing things. Even when we worked towards a solution the reality was there is a decrease in their abilities.
My parents grew up with the mentality that water shouldn't be wasted for showers. They did "bird baths" daily. But would shower once in a while. As my mother got older she became almost obsessed with fear of falling in the shower. We had handrails and anti-slip mats installed. She still preferred the bird baths and washing her hair in the sink over taking a shower. In terms of laundry, she tended to wear the same clothes over and over and rarely did laundry. We offered to hire someone to help with light housekeeping - which included the laundry. She just never put clothes in the laundry bin so the cleaning person was unsure what to wash besides bedding and towels. All of this is to say it's a "thing". When asked my mom would come up with excuse after excuse as to why she wasn't doing things. Even when we worked towards a solution the reality was there is a decrease in their abilities.
Anonymous
12/28/2023 17:20
Subject: My elderly mom just left. 5 nights. Not one shower.
Anonymous wrote:I can relate. I was just visiting with the in-laws. FIL 76 and MIL 73. When we arrived , MIL was visibly dirty and smelly with tangles in her hair. I do believe she showered or cleaned up at some point while we were there. She had had a cold 2 or 3 weeks before our arrival and I’m pretty sure she hadn’t showered since she started feeling under the weather. They both are usually 1x week showerers but are pretty sedentary, so I had never noticed anything off before. They also have a bit of a hoarding problem, but this visit I felt a bit unsettled at the uncleanliness both of their home and personal hygiene, but did not say anything. My own parents are 10 years older and do not have these issues.
That is concerning. What does your spouse say?
Anonymous
12/28/2023 16:29
Subject: My elderly mom just left. 5 nights. Not one shower.
I can relate. I was just visiting with the in-laws. FIL 76 and MIL 73. When we arrived , MIL was visibly dirty and smelly with tangles in her hair. I do believe she showered or cleaned up at some point while we were there. She had had a cold 2 or 3 weeks before our arrival and I’m pretty sure she hadn’t showered since she started feeling under the weather. They both are usually 1x week showerers but are pretty sedentary, so I had never noticed anything off before. They also have a bit of a hoarding problem, but this visit I felt a bit unsettled at the uncleanliness both of their home and personal hygiene, but did not say anything. My own parents are 10 years older and do not have these issues.
Anonymous
12/28/2023 14:17
Subject: My elderly mom just left. 5 nights. Not one shower.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm 40, and unless I'm exercising or otherwise sweating, only shower once per week. I use deoderant every day. I don't smell. I'm not working in the coal mines - I don't need a shower every day. Americans are obsessed with disinfecting and sterilizing themselves and their environments. Its not good for your skin.
You DO smell. As evidenced from this thread, people have a real reluctance to give offenders this feedback even when it's family.
I'm 58 and can now get by showering every 3rd day. But, I also use a bidet and and my main form of exercise is walking. Even then, after 3 days of layering deodorant, it isn't as effective and the layers of deodorant are thick. It's definitely time to shower.
The frequency with which I and most most Americans shower have nothing to do with disinfecting/sterilization but just good hygiene. During allergy season, it's of medical benefit to get rid of the pollens clinging to hair.
Using a bidet does not make up for not taking a shower. Unless you are soaping up your whole body and using the bidet hose to rinse it off.
It’s one thing to skip a shower once in a while, but consistently taking a shower every three days or once a week leads to having an unpleasant odor. Even if you’re not strenuously exercising, you do sweat, and even the foods you eat will give off a smell through your pores.
For the sake of those around you, please shower every day.
Anonymous
12/28/2023 14:09
Subject: My elderly mom just left. 5 nights. Not one shower.
Anonymous wrote:You caught me on a day where my Da has been here 6 days and advised he was fine and didn't need to bathe.
He has limited energy and nose blindness as the ad calls it. He is frugal so I told him I had just gotten out of the bath and had all the nice soapy warm water and he'd be helping me not to waste it. It's cold and rainy out and I told him he could soak and feel cozy and enjoy the view.
I helped him scrub his back and head and left him mostly alone until he was ready to get out. At one point, my oldest son (15) came back from his run and wanted to shower so he came into the master as well and I let them bond and have a roman bath and make penis length/shrinkage jokes. I think it's good for my son to see the body acceptance and challenges with aging.
I then went to the guest room to see if he had laundry and I found a pair of urine soaked undies Da had stuffed down into the (new) couch cushion (OMFG he was never gross like this) so I then had to sanitize the fabric and set up a fan and I am letting it dry. I am pleasantly pushy but in the end he is still appreciating it these days- when I noticed the incontinence on the last visit we got him on a prostate med and I got him some lightly padded guy underwear...he is only in this country to visit a couple times a year so I am always finding something new for him.
When he got out, I clipped his toe and fingernails ("they are fine"- no they aren't- they had like 7 mm of white), put lotion on his back and limbs and he is all cozy now hanging out with us. I overheard him musing to our son "bathing used to be something I did before I went out to an event. Now if I bathe, it's the whole event- big accomplishment of the day"
God knows he cleaned me up when I needed it as a kid; glad I can return the favour, but sad at the decline. I am trying to take the load off my sister who is also down visiting and she helps him out back at home but is not good at noticing changes with him or health issues, and is not pushy enough. I told her she needs to get pushier so he doesn't make himself unlovable by being unclean. She is learning to use the royal we with requests/demands. My grandmother was the same- you literally had to say (or yell, as she was deaf/hearing aids never worked well for her) "YOU SMELL. We can SMELL YOU" and she's blame the dog, but she would bathe.
My suggestion: be pleasantly pushy. Fix things without permission (washing clothes/ buying new underwear/setting up hair appts) and go from there. My dad will never ask for help but I know he appreciates it/agrees with the approvements.
I’m so glad you found those underwear. I had a sick houseguest leave uneaten food (soup and crackers) under the bed in the guest room that wasn’t found until months later.
Anonymous
12/28/2023 14:00
Subject: My elderly mom just left. 5 nights. Not one shower.
Anonymous wrote:Is she depressed? General disregard for hygiene can go along with depression
+1
MIL has always said she "doesn't want to dry out her skin" - but there is a distinct smell, and she is what would come across as lazy - in fact, it is HFA/anxiety/depression. She can't be botheredc, because of how she feels.
Anonymous
12/28/2023 13:57
Subject: My elderly mom just left. 5 nights. Not one shower.
Anonymous wrote:Using bidet for toilet and cleaning body with wet towels can be a good alternative of a daily shower.
No, sorry, that’s not at all the same as taking a shower or bath. What’s with people thinking using a bidet means you don’t need to shower?
Anonymous
12/28/2023 13:41
Subject: My elderly mom just left. 5 nights. Not one shower.
Anonymous wrote:I have an older relative who does not shower on extended visits. It’s puzzling and it took me a few visits to notice. They don’t smell, but I notice that the white sheets in that guest room definitely yellow after their visits from body oils. The latest trip left me with an impossible laundry situation and the sheets will probably have to go- none of my usual tricks are working.
DH noticed last time but didn’t understand why and he was too sensitive in the moment about other aging stuff for me to explain what was going on. It’s sad and a little confusing but there are language and cultural barriers so I can’t say anything to the relative even if I felt comfortable doing so.
Try soaking in a mix of Tide, a good amount of dawn dish liquid (cuts grease), oxi clean, washing soda and borax and very hot water. Soak for at least 24 hours. Helped me in a similar situation.
It's all really hard.
Anonymous
12/28/2023 13:25
Subject: My elderly mom just left. 5 nights. Not one shower.
I’m 40 and I can’t even wash my hair the night before. I’ve always been an oily person though.
Anonymous
12/28/2023 13:10
Subject: My elderly mom just left. 5 nights. Not one shower.
Anonymous wrote:I'm 40, and unless I'm exercising or otherwise sweating, only shower once per week. I use deoderant every day. I don't smell. I'm not working in the coal mines - I don't need a shower every day. Americans are obsessed with disinfecting and sterilizing themselves and their environments. Its not good for your skin.
You DO smell. As evidenced from this thread, people have a real reluctance to give offenders this feedback even when it's family.
I'm 58 and can now get by showering every 3rd day. But, I also use a bidet and and my main form of exercise is walking. Even then, after 3 days of layering deodorant, it isn't as effective and the layers of deodorant are thick. It's definitely time to shower.
The frequency with which I and most most Americans shower have nothing to do with disinfecting/sterilization but just good hygiene. During allergy season, it's of medical benefit to get rid of the pollens clinging to hair.
Anonymous
12/28/2023 11:25
Subject: My elderly mom just left. 5 nights. Not one shower.
Anonymous wrote:I'm 40, and unless I'm exercising or otherwise sweating, only shower once per week. I use deoderant every day. I don't smell. I'm not working in the coal mines - I don't need a shower every day. Americans are obsessed with disinfecting and sterilizing themselves and their environments. Its not good for your skin.
This is discusting.
Anonymous
12/28/2023 11:23
Subject: My elderly mom just left. 5 nights. Not one shower.
Alter my mom turned 80 I always helped her with her shower whenever we were visiting. I also applied moisturizer for her as she also claimed dry skin. It was a really nice bonding time for us . She the child, me the caretaker. Cycle of life.
Anonymous
12/28/2023 11:15
Subject: Re:My elderly mom just left. 5 nights. Not one shower.
I don't understand why people would not say anything to their loved one about this. Yes, it's not a fun conversation but if family won't give you this feedback, who would? Do you think your loved one would rather remain ignornant of being avoided/judged for smelling badly than being given the opportunity to fix this?
I remember my paternal grandmother smelling like unwashed body while visiting at our house (she was local). My mother discretely told her and she showered at our house, borrowed a housecoat while my mom washed her clothes. Grandma was far more diligent about her hygiene after that. Later, my father installed bars and non-slip treads on the floor of her shower.
I remember my paternal grandmother smelling like unwashed body while visiting at our house (she was local). My mother discretely told her and she showered at our house, borrowed a housecoat while my mom washed her clothes. Grandma was far more diligent about her hygiene after that. Later, my father installed bars and non-slip treads on the floor of her shower.