Anonymous
Post 12/26/2023 03:48     Subject: Sister is 38 and says she's still waiting to have children
Anonymous wrote:My husband and I naively dilly dallied around. Ended up having two kids during my late 30s, but the stats on infertility and birth defects that were quoted to us were sobering. So, despite everything working out fine, we never would have waited that long had we been more aware. We felt pretty naive about our lack of awareness, so, as other posters have noted, it is pretty easy to be unaware. I almost think more so than in the past when there was less of an ability to intervene.


Would you have appreciated a relative asking intrusive questions about your fertility during a holiday?
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2023 02:51     Subject: Sister is 38 and says she's still waiting to have children
Anonymous wrote:My husband and I naively dilly dallied around. Ended up having two kids during my late 30s, but the stats on infertility and birth defects that were quoted to us were sobering. So, despite everything working out fine, we never would have waited that long had we been more aware. We felt pretty naive about our lack of awareness, so, as other posters have noted, it is pretty easy to be unaware. I almost think more so than in the past when there was less of an ability to intervene.


+1 The lack of awareness around this issue is highly underestimated in this thread.

I also think there’s just a fundamental difference of opinion on this board about the role of direct family members and the types of conversations they can bring up while being in bounds.

The things some posters say you can’t discuss (with your own siblings!) is just so unfamiliar to me and my own circle.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2023 02:46     Subject: Sister is 38 and says she's still waiting to have children
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My sister (38) and husband (37) have been married for around 4 years. When she was about to get married, she mentioned she wanted wanted kids some day, but she wanted to enjoy the marriage first. I know I might be nosy, but the fact she mentioned again that she was "waiting" to have kids made me worried. I have several friends/family members who postponed children until their late 30s for reasons ranging from advancing their careers, travelling to just not being sure if they wanted children, who then started having trouble to conceive or who didn't manage to conceive at all. I'm afraid my sister and her husband may end up having troubles if they keep postponing having children, and they don't even seem to be bothered that the window might close. I've seen the emotional toll that infertility took on my friends and I don't want my sister to go trough the same. How can I bring this up in a respectful way?


You can’t, unless you want to ruin the relationship. 100% not your business.


Totally disagree that having a conversation would ruin the relationship. If that were the case you two aren’t that close in the first place. This is the kind of thing that close knit families discuss. But it’s also the kind of thing that you bring up from a point of concern and don’t nag about or revisit again and again. But to mention your worries about infertility? Totally in bounds if you have a good relationship.


I'm one of those women who's in her late 30s and yet to have children. I find concerns about my fertility to be condescending. I'm aware that I'm at an age where conceiving naturally can be very difficult, but my partner and I are going through some financial difficulties we don't want to discuss with others. I know that if I keep waiting I might end up childless, I'm just way more afraid of ending up poor and homeless. Couples know their situation better than nosy family members.


And I’m sure if your sister brought it up with you, your response would be assuring that you are aware of the risks and are confident in your decision. And that you’re mature enough not to “ruin” the relationship over a single heartfelt conversation. Expressing concern to a sister isn’t being nosy.
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 22:23     Subject: Re:Sister is 38 and says she's still waiting to have children
I am one of these people. I am turning 37 soon and we doing IVF. We tried to get pregnant twice one at 34 and another when I was 35. Ectopic pregnancies that required removal of both my tubes.

At 36 I started at Shady Grove and we have 3 embryos. We will do a transfer in February.

I am terrified about my fertility but it takes so long.
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 22:21     Subject: Sister is 38 and says she's still waiting to have children
Anonymous wrote:Actions speak louder than words. People who are ready to have children and who really want children don't wait to have children. Sounds like your sister likes her life as it is more than she likes the prospect of children, or she's having marital, financial or medical issues you're not aware of and the "I want to enjoy my marriage first" is just her letting you know that she can't have children at the moment without telling you the reason.


I've come to accept that this is true for most. I've known some women who lamented the fact that they had infertility issues when they finally tried to conceive; claimed they had no idea it would be so difficult to have children later in life; and claimed they needed a certain amount of financial security and house space before kids... but after years of knowing them, I think they really preferred to live their childless life first.

At 16, I knew I wanted to be a parent. I had my first kid at 25, while rather poor, and made a lot of sacrifices to be a parent, because it was my priority in life. Now in my 40s with teens and young adults (and not poor anymore), I do not regret it. I love being a parent.
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 22:13     Subject: Sister is 38 and says she's still waiting to have children
You can’t fix you know who.
Maybe it’s for the best that people like that don’t procreate.
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 21:54     Subject: Sister is 38 and says she's still waiting to have children
Unless you and your sister are exceptionally close and your sister is exceptionally naive and ill-informed about fertility (and I do mean EXCEPTIONALLY), then you mind your own business. She’s an adult.
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 21:17     Subject: Re:Sister is 38 and says she's still waiting to have children
Anonymous wrote:For all you know, they have been trying for awhile and having fertility issues they do not care to share. This was the case for us FWIW.

Regardless- MYOB


THIS.
You have no idea whether they are actively trying or not. What she tells you and what may be actually going on could be vastly different.
We spent several years trying and failing to get pregnant, and only my parents and my best friend actually knew what was going on for most of that time, amd I would have preferredto have kept it that way had my mother not let the cat out of the bag herself. Everyone else assumed we were not trying.
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 21:16     Subject: Re:Sister is 38 and says she's still waiting to have children
Anonymous wrote:I had my kids at 42 and 44, took less than three months to get pregnant each time. Kids are perfectly healthy and smart. Leave her alone.


Well, you need to post with a caveat of "lucky as hell" when you post this because it is not common for women to easily get pregnant or stay pregnant in their early 40s. You are doing a great disservice to the majority of women to post your experience without it, as you are certainly in the minority of women to do so at your age.
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 21:12     Subject: Sister is 38 and says she's still waiting to have children
My niece is like this. She's been with a very nice man for about 8 years now. They say that they want to get married and have kids, but niece turned 40 last year and they don't see to have any sense of urgency about it. I think it's odd-- I mean, if they aren't interested in marriage and kids that's fine, so why say it if you aren't going to do anything about it? But at the end of the day it's not my business. They are grown adults and I'm sure they understand how fertility works.
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 18:48     Subject: Sister is 38 and says she's still waiting to have children
Anonymous wrote:You can’t. She can read, and she has friends who have had problems conceiving just like you do—and friends who had no problems at her age or later, just like you do.

You have no new information to bring to her decision-making. Say nothing.


First response, still correct.
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 18:44     Subject: Re:Sister is 38 and says she's still waiting to have children
Anonymous wrote:For all you know, they have been trying for awhile and having fertility issues they do not care to share. This was the case for us FWIW.

Regardless- MYOB
+1
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 18:37     Subject: Sister is 38 and says she's still waiting to have children
My husband and I naively dilly dallied around. Ended up having two kids during my late 30s, but the stats on infertility and birth defects that were quoted to us were sobering. So, despite everything working out fine, we never would have waited that long had we been more aware. We felt pretty naive about our lack of awareness, so, as other posters have noted, it is pretty easy to be unaware. I almost think more so than in the past when there was less of an ability to intervene.
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 16:33     Subject: Sister is 38 and says she's still waiting to have children
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A lot of people will tell you to mind your own business. Personally, I think you should bring it up. I would with my sister. It would be different if she wasn’t married and saying she wanted to have children. Some people just don’t pay attention and understand that fertility issues are real. So many famous people have kids later in life so it makes people think they can too.


Do people really think that someone who genuinely wants children waits to have them just they saw some celebrity postponing pregnancy?


My sister waited until she was 37 to try to have kids. Her husband took a while to decide he wanted to get married - so it wasn’t the same situation. But she was really surprised when she couldn’t get pregnant. Like shocked. She thought she’d have no problems. She’s very smart and successful. You’d be surprised what people don’t realize with fertility.


Yes, she might have been shocked to realize she was having issues. The point I'm trying to make is that, not matter how clueless you are about your fertility, if you're ready to have kids and want them, you'll try having them. If you're postponing motherhood you're probably doing it because you're not very interested in having children or there is something else going on in your life that makes having children a bad idea.


This isn't true for everyone - I never felt "ready" to have kids but we just went for it. I know a lot of people that never really felt ready. It may help OP's sister to know that. And I think the MYOB posters are being a little rough on OP. This isn't just some acquaintance or a cousin, but her sister. Can't she speak openly with her own sister?


Plenty of people have kids when they aren't ready, but that's not the point. The point is that those who are ready and want children don't wait any longer unless there are some medical issues. Now, if what you're suggesting is that people should have kids even when they are not ready, I have to disagree. That might have worked for you but it has caused problems to many other people. If the sister is not ready, assuming that this is the issue and not a medical problem, there's zero reason why someone who's not gonna be involved in raising or supporting that child should be openly talking to her about childbearing.
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 15:15     Subject: Sister is 38 and says she's still waiting to have children
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A lot of people will tell you to mind your own business. Personally, I think you should bring it up. I would with my sister. It would be different if she wasn’t married and saying she wanted to have children. Some people just don’t pay attention and understand that fertility issues are real. So many famous people have kids later in life so it makes people think they can too.


Do people really think that someone who genuinely wants children waits to have them just they saw some celebrity postponing pregnancy?


My sister waited until she was 37 to try to have kids. Her husband took a while to decide he wanted to get married - so it wasn’t the same situation. But she was really surprised when she couldn’t get pregnant. Like shocked. She thought she’d have no problems. She’s very smart and successful. You’d be surprised what people don’t realize with fertility.


Yes, she might have been shocked to realize she was having issues. The point I'm trying to make is that, not matter how clueless you are about your fertility, if you're ready to have kids and want them, you'll try having them. If you're postponing motherhood you're probably doing it because you're not very interested in having children or there is something else going on in your life that makes having children a bad idea.


+1 - This. I ended up doing IVF and it’s amazing once you are pregnant with an IVF baby how many people you know also used IUIs, donor sperm, IVF, etc. But the unspoken secret is that no one talk about it - especially when all the happy talk is about weddings and honeymoons. It’s incredibly realistic that an educated, successful 37yr old in a place like DC where 35-42 yr old pregnant people are normal, would have the perception that her coworkers and acquaintances got pregnant easily at 37/8/9 when in fact many of them may have used help. I know my secret came out when I saw a coworker in the Shady Grove waiting room and she tipped me off to others and then I was welcomed into their secret club. However we REALLY wanted kids and I knew the stats and pushed to get tests 3mo after my wedding and start IUIs at 6mo. I knew we couldn’t mess around with “wait and see”.