Anonymous
Post 12/18/2023 12:48     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No. I'm moving to Europe. Caring for elderly is done by neighbors and social workers there.
That said, my two kids have about 10 relatives without children here in US. All will be 80-90 years old when my children are 50-60.


"Europe" is pretty broad. Is there a specific region/country where this happens? I have friends in several European countries (Belgium, Spain, Netherlands, Ireland, UK.) I've never directly asked them, but none of them have ever mentioned that they are expected to provide elder care for their neighbors.


My MIL in the UK is looked after by my BIL. My SIL visits and helps, but she is not the most practical person to look after MIL. No neighbors absolutely DO NOT look after the elderly in UK.

I read an article about an elderly lady who died in Italy and her body was discovered years later, so obviously no one checked in on her either.
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/feb/08/italian-woman-found-dead-seated-at-table-mummified-state

Furthermore I lived in NL above a forgotten older lady. I would have helped her more but she was MEAN and shouted at children playing. She would come out specifically to tell me rotten things, like she didn't like my bicycle or stroller. So no neighbors were looking after her or anyone else there there either.

I think PP is is nuts thinking that neighbors look after each other in "Europe". I've lived in Germany, France, UK, and Netherlands. Literally, I've never seen this.


I have seen this, but it was a custom in a very small town. When an older person with no relatives got old, if they had their own house and assets, the old person would make a deal with a SAHM from a lower social class. She took care of the old person and when they died, the SAHM inherited everything.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2023 11:27     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Anonymous wrote:Yes. That is the expectation in my culture which doesn’t throw grandmas off of trains like Americans. (saw that movie when I first got here and it stuck.)


Good luck with that if you are raising your kids in the US. My in-laws, not US born, viewed their children as their forever meal ticket. With that they had no money for retirement and now have a daughter who supports them out of obligation, but resents and hates them. All of this has created a huge rift in their family and a great financial stress on their children. Also didn't help that because they were so focused on their kids doing well in order to support them they pushed them too hard and had no real loving relationship with them. I believe this is why their kids feel obligated to support them due to cultural expectations, but not out of genuine love.

I hope I never have to rely on my kids to take care of me. If they want to out of love, great, but I plan on having the finances in place to take care of myself.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2023 10:38     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
I don't view my kid as my future caretaker but after dealing with my aging mom and my aging (now deceased) in-laws I am determined to make whatever we need her to do as easy as possible. This includes moving to an accessible one level home or condo once she is out of college so we are not in our multi-level home; making sure all our documents are in order; not having small amounts of money at a diverse array of community banks that require a personal visit every time you want to do something; not keeping all the crap we have accumulated over the course of our lives for her to deal with when we are gone.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2023 09:09     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Nope, but I plan on being an awesome mom and grandma through all stages of life so fingers crossed that my daughters or their kids will at least want to visit me and such.

My kids are currently 6 and 4 and I'm lucky enough to still have my grandparents (88yo) who still live in their house. We drive to visit them once a week and bring them groceries, the kids make crafts with my grandma or eat ice cream sundaes with my grandpa while I do some meal prep and clean their house/do laundry. My own mom is only 64 but she's a fantastic mom and grandma and I intentionally bought a house with an in law suite in case she needs it someday.

I'm hoping that my kids will just grow up understanding that loving on our elderly family members is important and kind, whatever the living situation may look like.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2023 08:00     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Anonymous wrote:I was told i should try for a girl for this reason. I couldn’t believe my friend said this. Then she went on to say, well why else do you have kids…i guess some view their kids this way but I never have.


This actually occurred to me as a reason not to try for a daughter. I have two boys and felt that if I had a girl for a third, she would be unfairly burdened as a future caretaker and it would give the boys a free pass. With only boys, they know it's on them.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2023 21:24     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Anonymous wrote:Also most women are will to quit or work part time to care for parents. No man is doing/ or should be doing this especially if he has his own family. So I see OP’s friends point. Inwould not want my son stop working but im ok if my daughter does IF she has a supportive husband.


WTH? Your daughter can give up her career, but god forbid your son did the same? What is a ‘supportive’ husband?

I will raise my children, support them in everything they do, and not expect them to give up anything for me…because they will have careers & children to raise.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2023 21:18     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No. I’m a nurse and I wouldn’t want to burden them. Help getting to appointments once in a while? Sure. But actual caretaking? No, I don’t think it’s fair to expect them to take it on. There have been a series of articles on NYT that talk about the cost (not just economic cost) of elder caretaking.

And to add-I’m still in my 40s but my DH and I already have advanced directives set up. We torture elderly/terminally ill people in this country trying to avoid death at all costs. I don’t want that for myself. And I don’t want kids to feel burdened to make hard decisions.


Agree entirely. Why would I want to burden my children?
At a societal level, we spend far too much money/time/effort keeping elderly frail people alive.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2023 20:12     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Anonymous wrote:No. I’m a nurse and I wouldn’t want to burden them. Help getting to appointments once in a while? Sure. But actual caretaking? No, I don’t think it’s fair to expect them to take it on. There have been a series of articles on NYT that talk about the cost (not just economic cost) of elder caretaking.

And to add-I’m still in my 40s but my DH and I already have advanced directives set up. We torture elderly/terminally ill people in this country trying to avoid death at all costs. I don’t want that for myself. And I don’t want kids to feel burdened to make hard decisions.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2023 20:07     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
No. I’m a nurse and I wouldn’t want to burden them. Help getting to appointments once in a while? Sure. But actual caretaking? No, I don’t think it’s fair to expect them to take it on. There have been a series of articles on NYT that talk about the cost (not just economic cost) of elder caretaking.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2023 17:49     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
No. And I think the “family should take care of you” narrative is great, until the person requires 24 hour nursing care or has dementia. That is a job for the pros, and not family.

I don’t want to burden my kids, and have a plan to avoid that. I’ve had an awesome life and now they should have one, too. I’ll be just fine with my books and lap dog, until I need to go into a home.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2023 11:21     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Never even occurred to me. I just hope they love me, continue to want to be with me (they’re both in college right now and seem to want to be with me), and we enjoy being adults together. I have another plan for my care.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2023 06:18     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Anonymous wrote:Of course not. That's ridiculous.
Then why is it the number one question people ask directed at people without kids- ‘who’s going to take care of ya’?
Most people think like that
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2023 08:21     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Pretty sure taking care of my kids in this era will kill me before I reach old age. Peace at last. So I don’t think about it.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2023 01:26     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
I do. They are fine with it. I think they are looking forward to it. It's a tradition in our family.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2023 00:26     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Yes.