Anonymous
Post 12/11/2023 17:01     Subject: Money, college and exILs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The grandparents have 8 grandchildren now, they can't single out yours for special treatment.
'

I would still make them renig. Let them know I was counting on their help and that their withdrawal hurts.


Is that really the most important thing here? You know it, they know it, why make things awkward and unpleasant? Their son having a lot more kids is probably what threw a wrench in the plans. At least the kids have a good relationship. Why let money come in-between that.
Right, plus the last thing I'm going to do is let exILs watch me grovel. EFF that!
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2023 17:00     Subject: Money, college and exILs
Well, they can stop seeing their grandparents now if they don’t want to.
And definitely no more driving them there unless it’s in your own interest.
At least you are free from this one obligation!
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2023 16:53     Subject: Money, college and exILs
My in-laws started 529s for our kids when they were born. We get a statement from them every year so we can see what the amount is and plan accordingly. We’re still 10+ years away from needing the funds, but it’s nice that they are being very clear about it. Absent that, I think would just plan on them not contributing anything and be surprised when they do.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2023 16:47     Subject: Money, college and exILs
You may want to be sure your ex really doesn't have any additional info too.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2023 16:43     Subject: Re:Money, college and exILs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just figure out how to pay for it yourself.

Grandparents make all sorts of grandiose proclamations with younger children that they don’t mean. It’s all for show.

If your DC got in ED and you really can’t afford it, you can explain the situation to the school and they should let you out of the agreement. There’s no way to force the grandparents to help.


Can I pay for his college? Yes. Do I think it's fair that I am the only who is doing that and exDH is not contributing a dime, and now his parents are flaking? No, I think it sucks.


It does suck, but their non-answer is your answer: They aren't going to help.

Fill out the FAFSA and hope for the best.


I’m guessing now that they have 8 grandchildren they need to spread the $$ around to be equitable
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2023 16:40     Subject: Money, college and exILs
Be mad at your ex, not the grandparents. They likely did want to help, but likely UNDERestimated the cost and now have 5 more grandkids to help.
They are not made of money.
Let it go and prepare to to do the best you can do.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2023 16:25     Subject: Money, college and exILs
They were just saying things all these years and never actually expected you to take them up on their offer.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2023 16:02     Subject: Re:Money, college and exILs
I have friends whose parents reneged even without a divorce.

I caution everyone. No one can rely on money like that unless it is deposited into an account that you control.

I am sorry that this has happened to you and they seem to be ghosting you and your son as a result. Don’t bring it up again.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2023 15:44     Subject: Re:Money, college and exILs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just figure out how to pay for it yourself.

Grandparents make all sorts of grandiose proclamations with younger children that they don’t mean. It’s all for show.

If your DC got in ED and you really can’t afford it, you can explain the situation to the school and they should let you out of the agreement. There’s no way to force the grandparents to help.


Can I pay for his college? Yes. Do I think it's fair that I am the only who is doing that and exDH is not contributing a dime, and now his parents are flaking? No, I think it sucks.


If you can pay for his college, then case closed. It was never your ex in-laws responsibility.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2023 15:40     Subject: Money, college and exILs
Anonymous wrote:I might take a different tack and be specific - something like “it seems like this has taken you by surprise but Tommy is confused given your written notes and encouragement over the years. To help me with my planning and to manage the hurt for the kids, would it be possible to estimate what is available not just for Tommy but also for Jimmy and Sarah, and to put that aside in 529s for them now so we have fairness moving forward?” Etc


Why do you think this script would compel the grandparents (who are ghosting OP and the kids) to provide a response?
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2023 15:20     Subject: Money, college and exILs
I might take a different tack and be specific - something like “it seems like this has taken you by surprise but Tommy is confused given your written notes and encouragement over the years. To help me with my planning and to manage the hurt for the kids, would it be possible to estimate what is available not just for Tommy but also for Jimmy and Sarah, and to put that aside in 529s for them now so we have fairness moving forward?” Etc
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2023 15:19     Subject: Re:Money, college and exILs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You divorced their son so don’t expect much from them. You should contact your ex and see if he recalls the promises made and let him deal with his parents. They are his children too. If he is required to pay some of the college costs it will be in his interest to contact his parents.


I have it in writing from them that they will help pay for his college. Emails, texts saying they've saved up some sums for the grandkids' colleges.


They probably did, but for all you know exDH came with his hand out for the other grandkids and they stole from Peter to pay Paul. And if so, they're too ashamed to admit they did that.
The money is gone.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2023 15:18     Subject: Money, college and exILs
Are the grandparents wealthy, OP? Like, rich enough to equally fund 8 grandkids?
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2023 15:16     Subject: Re:Money, college and exILs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You divorced their son so don’t expect much from them. You should contact your ex and see if he recalls the promises made and let him deal with his parents. They are his children too. If he is required to pay some of the college costs it will be in his interest to contact his parents.


I have it in writing from them that they will help pay for his college. Emails, texts saying they've saved up some sums for the grandkids' colleges.

Did they ever give you details? They could have saved up $500 each for all you know.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2023 15:15     Subject: Money, college and exILs
Anonymous wrote:Definitely ask them and make sure they know that they will be letting down their grandson if they don't cone through. Sometimes a healthy dose of guilt goes a long way.

You can’t get blood out of a stone. And it looks like these grandparents have at least 7 other grandkids to think about. Unless they’re rolling in money it’s not going to happen.