Anonymous wrote:I had to ghost a longtime close friend from college. We had so many great times and laughs together through college and in our twenties as we lived in the same area. We were bridesmaids for each other and had playdates for our kids. Then she and her husband ended up getting a divorce when he cheated on her and she wouldn't forgive him.

The problem was that my husband and this man have become close friends themselves. They work in the same field, and her now-ex is very prominent and well-connected. So it would be professional suicide for my husband to take her side or even to remain neutral. My former friend couldn't believe that anyone who knew what happened would choose her ex over her, and was furious with me for not making my husband stop associating with her ex.

It got to the point where we just couldn't maintain my friendship with her and our close connection with her ex, so I had to drop her. It's not just that he is too valuable a friend and associate for my husband. It's that she played her own part in his cheating by getting too emotional over things we all face and deal with, like her father passing away in this case just as she finished her first trimester for her second kid. She was a mess emotionally and then let herself go while he just became more successful and magnetic. it was similar to what happened to Jeff Bezos's wife where he had a glow-up and she couldn't keep pace. So he found someone who was much more fun and who would look at him now but wouldn't have back then. When I tried to explain this to my now-former friend, she blew up at me and I just don't need that toxicity in my life. So yes friendships have seasons, and sometimes you have to shed the old one to maximize the new one's benefits.

...wow talk about blaming the victim

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just broke up with a friend who now is posting a lot about me in the DCUM Relationship Discussion Board, with lots of identifying information. So that's fun.

Details! Dish!

I thought with time we could figure it out but her behavior is really closing that door. I didn't really realize over the years how much she truly hated me. It has made me wonder why in hell she was friends with me if she thought so little of me. Why did she never say anything?

Why do people maintain friendships with people they secretly despise?

Frenemies, yes. I have never understood this. I don't understand the point of pretending to be friends while you do nothing but criticize each other and talk $hit behind one another's backs. What is the point? Just go be your own person.

I should have figured it out because she does she talked s**t about her other friends to me. And the things she said were brutal, like a couple she's friends with were bad parents (she has no kids), or one woman was lying about traumas she was in therapy for. Like, she would talk about someone else's deeply confided issues and make fun of them. Idk, do you tell the other people that she talked crap about?

Is that not triangulation? Sounds like toxic behavior on your part.

+1 Honestly they sound like they deserve each other

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is why I've taken to having just a few very close friends that come and go from my life over the years. I don't have time in the day to deal with some of the petty stuff described here.

It's exhausting and also a good reason why I think it's worth it invest in family, whether that's your family of origin or getting married or having kids or staying close with your cousins or all of the above. I have friends and I care about them (but notably, I have male and female friends and no "girl group" which I think helps minimize the worst behavior) but at the end of the day people can claim all they want that friends will really be there for you but it's family who actually shows up. "Found family" sounds great but actual family is better.

You're going to get blown up but I agree with you--there's something more solid and enduring about familial ties vs. constantly choosing to connect again and again with friends.

I was basically ghosted by my college roommate/long term very close friend 10 years after college (after being each others bridesmaid/godparent to first babies.) No idea why. It was very painful at first (for a couple years, even) but with time I realized she wasn’t a very good friend even apart from the dumping and that helped. She tried to reconnect 10 years later and it just seemed so tedious to have to talk to her I just didn’t respond.

I had to ghost a longtime close friend from college. We had so many great times and laughs together through college and in our twenties as we lived in the same area. We were bridesmaids for each other and had playdates for our kids. Then she and her husband ended up getting a divorce when he cheated on her and she wouldn't forgive him.

The problem was that my husband and this man have become close friends themselves. They work in the same field, and her now-ex is very prominent and well-connected. So it would be professional suicide for my husband to take her side or even to remain neutral. My former friend couldn't believe that anyone who knew what happened would choose her ex over her, and was furious with me for not making my husband stop associating with her ex.

It got to the point where we just couldn't maintain my friendship with her and our close connection with her ex, so I had to drop her. It's not just that he is too valuable a friend and associate for my husband. It's that she played her own part in his cheating by getting too emotional over things we all face and deal with, like her father passing away in this case just as she finished her first trimester for her second kid. She was a mess emotionally and then let herself go while he just became more successful and magnetic. it was similar to what happened to Jeff Bezos's wife where he had a glow-up and she couldn't keep pace. So he found someone who was much more fun and who would look at him now but wouldn't have back then. When I tried to explain this to my now-former friend, she blew up at me and I just don't need that toxicity in my life. So yes friendships have seasons, and sometimes you have to shed the old one to maximize the new one's benefits.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just broke up with a friend who now is posting a lot about me in the DCUM Relationship Discussion Board, with lots of identifying information. So that's fun.

Details! Dish!

I thought with time we could figure it out but her behavior is really closing that door. I didn't really realize over the years how much she truly hated me. It has made me wonder why in hell she was friends with me if she thought so little of me. Why did she never say anything?

Why do people maintain friendships with people they secretly despise?

Frenemies, yes. I have never understood this. I don't understand the point of pretending to be friends while you do nothing but criticize each other and talk $hit behind one another's backs. What is the point? Just go be your own person.

I should have figured it out because she does she talked s**t about her other friends to me. And the things she said were brutal, like a couple she's friends with were bad parents (she has no kids), or one woman was lying about traumas she was in therapy for. Like, she would talk about someone else's deeply confided issues and make fun of them. Idk, do you tell the other people that she talked crap about?

Is that not triangulation? Sounds like toxic behavior on your part.

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is why I've taken to having just a few very close friends that come and go from my life over the years. I don't have time in the day to deal with some of the petty stuff described here.

It's exhausting and also a good reason why I think it's worth it invest in family, whether that's your family of origin or getting married or having kids or staying close with your cousins or all of the above. I have friends and I care about them (but notably, I have male and female friends and no "girl group" which I think helps minimize the worst behavior) but at the end of the day people can claim all they want that friends will really be there for you but it's family who actually shows up. "Found family" sounds great but actual family is better.

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is why I've taken to having just a few very close friends that come and go from my life over the years. I don't have time in the day to deal with some of the petty stuff described here.

I dont understand what you mean by close friends who come and go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just broke up with a friend who now is posting a lot about me in the DCUM Relationship Discussion Board, with lots of identifying information. So that's fun.

Details! Dish!

I thought with time we could figure it out but her behavior is really closing that door. I didn't really realize over the years how much she truly hated me. It has made me wonder why in hell she was friends with me if she thought so little of me. Why did she never say anything?

Why do people maintain friendships with people they secretly despise?

Frenemies, yes. I have never understood this. I don't understand the point of pretending to be friends while you do nothing but criticize each other and talk $hit behind one another's backs. What is the point? Just go be your own person.

Yes. I had a friend who would talk about me behind my back with her couple of other friends. Any time she thought my behavior was imperfect, she would triangulate with mutual friends. I think she really believed I would never find out, but she left open a text where she attacked me by name.

Ewww. So what did you do? Did you break off the friendship?

I should have broken it off, but I felt so small at the time, that I let the friendship go on several more years until she finally had the grace to say it to my face.

This whole thread is why I've taken to having just a few very close friends that come and go from my life over the years. I don't have time in the day to deal with some of the petty stuff described here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just broke up with a friend who now is posting a lot about me in the DCUM Relationship Discussion Board, with lots of identifying information. So that's fun.

Details! Dish!

I thought with time we could figure it out but her behavior is really closing that door. I didn't really realize over the years how much she truly hated me. It has made me wonder why in hell she was friends with me if she thought so little of me. Why did she never say anything?

Why do people maintain friendships with people they secretly despise?

Frenemies, yes. I have never understood this. I don't understand the point of pretending to be friends while you do nothing but criticize each other and talk $hit behind one another's backs. What is the point? Just go be your own person.

I should have figured it out because she does she talked s**t about her other friends to me. And the things she said were brutal, like a couple she's friends with were bad parents (she has no kids), or one woman was lying about traumas she was in therapy for. Like, she would talk about someone else's deeply confided issues and make fun of them. Idk, do you tell the other people that she talked crap about?

I guess it all depends on how close you are with these other people and also whether you participated in $hit talking.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just broke up with a friend who now is posting a lot about me in the DCUM Relationship Discussion Board, with lots of identifying information. So that's fun.

Details! Dish!

I thought with time we could figure it out but her behavior is really closing that door. I didn't really realize over the years how much she truly hated me. It has made me wonder why in hell she was friends with me if she thought so little of me. Why did she never say anything?

Why do people maintain friendships with people they secretly despise?

Frenemies, yes. I have never understood this. I don't understand the point of pretending to be friends while you do nothing but criticize each other and talk $hit behind one another's backs. What is the point? Just go be your own person.

Yes. I had a friend who would talk about me behind my back with her couple of other friends. Any time she thought my behavior was imperfect, she would triangulate with mutual friends. I think she really believed I would never find out, but she left open a text where she attacked me by name.

Ewww. So what did you do? Did you break off the friendship?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just broke up with a friend who now is posting a lot about me in the DCUM Relationship Discussion Board, with lots of identifying information. So that's fun.

Details! Dish!

I thought with time we could figure it out but her behavior is really closing that door. I didn't really realize over the years how much she truly hated me. It has made me wonder why in hell she was friends with me if she thought so little of me. Why did she never say anything?

Why do people maintain friendships with people they secretly despise?

Frenemies, yes. I have never understood this. I don't understand the point of pretending to be friends while you do nothing but criticize each other and talk $hit behind one another's backs. What is the point? Just go be your own person.

I should have figured it out because she does she talked s**t about her other friends to me. And the things she said were brutal, like a couple she's friends with were bad parents (she has no kids), or one woman was lying about traumas she was in therapy for. Like, she would talk about someone else's deeply confided issues and make fun of them. Idk, do you tell the other people that she talked crap about?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just broke up with a friend who now is posting a lot about me in the DCUM Relationship Discussion Board, with lots of identifying information. So that's fun.

Details! Dish!

I thought with time we could figure it out but her behavior is really closing that door. I didn't really realize over the years how much she truly hated me. It has made me wonder why in hell she was friends with me if she thought so little of me. Why did she never say anything?

Why do people maintain friendships with people they secretly despise?

Frenemies, yes. I have never understood this. I don't understand the point of pretending to be friends while you do nothing but criticize each other and talk $hit behind one another's backs. What is the point? Just go be your own person.

Yes. I had a friend who would talk about me behind my back with her couple of other friends. Any time she thought my behavior was imperfect, she would triangulate with mutual friends. I think she really believed I would never find out, but she left open a text where she attacked me by name.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just broke up with a friend who now is posting a lot about me in the DCUM Relationship Discussion Board, with lots of identifying information. So that's fun.

Details! Dish!

I thought with time we could figure it out but her behavior is really closing that door. I didn't really realize over the years how much she truly hated me. It has made me wonder why in hell she was friends with me if she thought so little of me. Why did she never say anything?

Why do people maintain friendships with people they secretly despise?

Ouch. It's good to have the viewpoint of a mom on the other side though. Some moms are small minded and need to keep around people they are better than.