Anonymous
Post 12/05/2023 14:04     Subject: If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. These are helpful perspectives. In my case, I don't think our marriage will improve when the kid is older because the kid is the thing that brings us joy as a couple. We do really like spending time together as a family, but don't spend much time together outside of the kid. Once she's out of the house, I cannot imagine that we will want to stay together. We want to live in totally different climates, we want to do totally different things in retirement, etc. We don't have a lot of conflict right now, but once our kid has launched, there really won't be anything binding us to one another. For example, he wants to move to a colder environment and I can't imagine moving because of him and he can't imagine staying here because of me. We have really different desires for the next phase of our lives, and compromising for one another feels weird when there's no real connection between us.

I don't think we would ever put our kid in the middle, make her feel badly, talk trash about one another, fight about supporting her, etc. When it comes to how we treat our kid, we are really aligned. I think we'd be fine, for example, visiting her at college together and we'd work to make sure that she has equal time with each of us over summers, vacations, etc. (e.g. even if my partner moves, I think he'd come to the DMV for her school vacations so that she could see both of us and her friends, and I would support her going to his location when that makes sense too).

There are a whole lot of “I”s and “I think”s here. You can’t possibly know some of that. And what if he thinks differently? Do his feelings matter at all or..?
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2023 13:57     Subject: If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?
OP here. These are helpful perspectives. In my case, I don't think our marriage will improve when the kid is older because the kid is the thing that brings us joy as a couple. We do really like spending time together as a family, but don't spend much time together outside of the kid. Once she's out of the house, I cannot imagine that we will want to stay together. We want to live in totally different climates, we want to do totally different things in retirement, etc. We don't have a lot of conflict right now, but once our kid has launched, there really won't be anything binding us to one another. For example, he wants to move to a colder environment and I can't imagine moving because of him and he can't imagine staying here because of me. We have really different desires for the next phase of our lives, and compromising for one another feels weird when there's no real connection between us.

I don't think we would ever put our kid in the middle, make her feel badly, talk trash about one another, fight about supporting her, etc. When it comes to how we treat our kid, we are really aligned. I think we'd be fine, for example, visiting her at college together and we'd work to make sure that she has equal time with each of us over summers, vacations, etc. (e.g. even if my partner moves, I think he'd come to the DMV for her school vacations so that she could see both of us and her friends, and I would support her going to his location when that makes sense too).
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2023 13:54     Subject: If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think there’s a good chance you and your husband will be very happy together by the time your child goes to college. Mid life marriages are often about being friends and activity partners. It’s enough once the stresses of raising young kids go away.!


Lol

Yeah just bury those feelings of neglect from 18+ years of being mistreated and dumped on and act all refreshed and accomplished that you did it all alone and now can take care and travel with the deadweight life partner.


I posted this and will just say that I remember how unhappy I was when my kids were young, and how unhappy my friends were, and though a few divorced, the rest of us are pretty happy now. It would have surprised me then.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2023 13:47     Subject: Re:If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?
I think many marriages are like this and the break point is when they become empty nesters. Some rekindle but most don’t and many that don’t rekindle just go on with it.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2023 13:29     Subject: If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?
I can’t answer your op, I’m not in that situation but cannot let this PP go uncommented.


And then when you do it to kids in college, with all those pressures they already face they have to grapple with the idea that their entire childhood was a lie.


What lie?

One parent was an actual parent and the other was awol work addict.

They already knew that. They already have a shallow relationship in labor only with the awol parent. Neither don’t have to see their active parent shackled to that.


Exactly. Not PP but dramatic much? What lie am I telling by deciding to stay together for THEIR happiness until they are an adult? Kid is happy that we live under one roof. Kid is happy not to be in a "divorced" home. There is no arguing, there is no abuse.

But the fact of the matter is that as soon as kid is an adult I will pursue divorce. I am not nor will I ever be happy as a couple with spouse - and tbh the absence of kid in household will be a death knell as this is the only reason I'm here. Why am I unhappy? I can list a variety of reasons:

Unwillingness of spouse to even acknowledge issues or go to counseling - says expectations are too high - in everything - marriage, household cleanliness, timely repairs or to-dos - I'm just an overachiever.
Having to do all emotional labor regarding any household activity - cleaning/repairs/dr appts/shopping, etc. Do you think shampoo and soap is magically transported to our bathroom? Do you think vitamins or food are teleported to the kitchen? Who cleans that bathroom and kitchen? Who has to stay home with sick kid? Who has to shuffle around work schedule for the 10th new job of spouse so kid can be picked up or taken to activities? And who pays for any and all extracurricular activities including vacations? Who does all of it - while also working full time - that's me.
Spouse never wants to leave house but is snarky and gives silent treatment whenever I want to do something without them or "family" and "family" is weaponized and I am considered selfish if I want to take a day for myself to do anything for only me.
Leaves half finished or unfinished projects undone - for YEARS but if asked about it, I am nagging. But yet not allowed to hire professional because "we can do that ourselves". By not allowed I mean I can but will get silent treatment or attitude for weeks for calling a landscaper or plumber.
Every item in household purchased from my own monies - every piece of furniture, picture, kid clothing, shoes, lamp, book - everything. Spouse gives set amount to household acct for "bills" and never offers to provide any other support - financial or otherwise for "extras". I guess groceries and clothes are luxury items.
Anytime I dare bring up a topic I am iced out, cursed out or told them I'm crazy and spouse threatens to move 3000 miles away to "family" with kid. Likely won't happen but 50/50 custody most likely would.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. So no - we don't argue. And I put on a good face for my kid everyday so he can be joyful and not worry about adult issues. I participate in family events and smile and I am secretly counting down to the last second when I no longer have to live with anyone. I don't have any Prince Charming fantasies - mine only consist of getting away from my spouse.


Anonymous
Post 12/05/2023 13:20     Subject: If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to what having tons of fun together but not being comparable means. I’m not being stupid, I just need to see it spelled out to understand.


I'm not sure why so many ppl are being obtuse. Do you not understand that parents can have fun engaging with their child for an event or activity and having "fun" as a family unit for the sake of their kid? This literally happens all the time - even with divorced parents. You enjoy seeing your kid's joy and you may like the activity - e.g. ski vacation, beach vacation, going to the movies, going to dinner. I like doing all of that and can "have fun" with the other parent.

And having to explain on this particular board is obnoxious given the amount of posts we see about unhappily married couples staying for their kid's sake. Now everyone wants to move the goal post and say "hey you're never allowed to divorce because even your 30 yr old child will be impacted". GTFOH.

I totally understand when someone chooses to stay if there is no outright abuse / drugs, etc. but I also totally get that just because those things don't exist doesn't mean I have to be unhappy for literally my whole life because I should be grateful that someone is willing to be my kind roomie. You all are really losing the plot in this thread. OP is not wrong to not want to be married to someone that she doesn't have any romantic feelings for and is not compatible - sexually, emotionally, intellectually, etc. Being a martyr is what you all want everyone to be and it's ludicrous.

It’s ludicrous to make the leap that simply choosing gratitude for a happy and fun home life makes one a martyr. It’s a choice, and a good one at that.


OP literally said she was unhappy and they are not happy as a couple. So what now? Oh...I know...happiness is a choice and OP doesn't know what she's talking about, amirite? Pffft.

Who’s moving goalposts now? All I said was it doesn’t make someone a martyr to do that. And choosing happiness and gratitude is objectively a good thing. No amount of your sneering and resentment will change that.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2023 13:13     Subject: If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?
Divorced kid here. Kids are pretty perceptive. Are you in a marriage you would chose for your kid? I know she's little, but she likely knows you two aren't happy, and she will think that marriage just isn't a happy thing in general. It sounds like if you divorced it wouldn't be that terrible, and long term would likely be happier for everyone involved.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2023 13:11     Subject: If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?
Anonymous wrote:You should divorce now but live near each other so your child can go back and forth easily.

Not sure if you mentioned how old you are but you shouldn’t waste these years waiting. Plus if you divorce when she leaves for college she will know that you were putting on a show for her throughout her childhood.


I don’t think most gray divorce cases put on a show for the kids.

There is often a very clearly self centered parent who never should have married and had kids in the first place. Whether that’s some social crazed woman or some work addict man or some mentally disordered parent who can’t function. Everyone knows it.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2023 13:09     Subject: Re:If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?
Anonymous wrote:I was rocked to the core. They divorced when I was a freshman in college. I felt like my entire childhood had been a lie. I was furious at them. It wrecked the trust I had.


Did they ever talk to you about it and why?

You never saw any glimpse into how their relationship was or how they ran the house together or planned things together whilst a tween or teen?
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2023 13:07     Subject: If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter how old children are when their parents divorce.

Facts are this: Even if your DC are in college when you divorce it will never be easy. In fact, it may actually be harder - especially if you plan to have another partner/spouse at some point. Which seems to be your goal since you are in a passionless marriage and want to be "in love".

Be prepared your child (no matter how old) will have a very, very difficult time accepting you and your spouse's new partners. This will cause conflict.

You may find the love of your life who you are so much more compatible with but what will you do when your daughter tells you she hates them and wants nothing to do with them - no matter how old she gets. And she does the same with your ex's new partner.

There are people in their 70s and 80s who repartner/remarry and have adult kids who are vehemently opposed to such relationships.

Once you've had a child with someone it fundamentally changes any potential relationships you might have in the future.

Consider that before you fundamentally change the family you have.



I fundamentally disagree with this poster. Of COURSE it matters how old the kids are when you divorce.
My parents divorced when I was very young. For all my childhood I lived between homes, always packing bags and hated that life. Being a kid of divorced parents shaped my daily thoughts. I just wanted a normal life.

I can’t answer your op, I’m not in that situation but cannot let this PP go uncommented.


And then when you do it to kids in college, with all those pressures they already face they have to grapple with the idea that their entire childhood was a lie.


What lie?

One parent was an actual parent and the other was awol work addict.

They already knew that. They already have a shallow relationship in labor only with the awol parent. Neither don’t have to see their active parent shackled to that.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2023 13:05     Subject: If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?
Anonymous wrote:I think there’s a good chance you and your husband will be very happy together by the time your child goes to college. Mid life marriages are often about being friends and activity partners. It’s enough once the stresses of raising young kids go away.!


Lol

Yeah just bury those feelings of neglect from 18+ years of being mistreated and dumped on and act all refreshed and accomplished that you did it all alone and now can take care and travel with the deadweight life partner.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2023 13:05     Subject: If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?
PP here and btw, I am married and it's going ok. What is not ok is sitting on your high horse, telling everyone else what to do - it's obvious you are miserable in your life. Happy people don't sit around and judge everyone else for their choices.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2023 13:04     Subject: If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?
Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter how old children are when their parents divorce.

Facts are this: Even if your DC are in college when you divorce it will never be easy. In fact, it may actually be harder - especially if you plan to have another partner/spouse at some point. Which seems to be your goal since you are in a passionless marriage and want to be "in love".

Be prepared your child (no matter how old) will have a very, very difficult time accepting you and your spouse's new partners. This will cause conflict.

You may find the love of your life who you are so much more compatible with but what will you do when your daughter tells you she hates them and wants nothing to do with them - no matter how old she gets. And she does the same with your ex's new partner.

There are people in their 70s and 80s who repartner/remarry and have adult kids who are vehemently opposed to such relationships.

Once you've had a child with someone it fundamentally changes any potential relationships you might have in the future.

Consider that before you fundamentally change the family you have.



Many college kids are pretty independent, mature, goals oriented and ready to not live at home, start internships, gain marketable skills and go get a job that pays well for them.

A divorce wont derail them but just present the need to communicate or manage two separate parents instead of one. They likely know which parent is reliable va a pushover, says No to Bs or happily pays for it, etc.

Now special needs or needy adult kids may be closer to home or need more checking in. But at age over 18 it won’t be some idiotic family court or flying monkey judge telling everywhere when the kid should live and when.

So college is less disruptive entirely than an age 0-18 situation.

Only if you mediate something that is. It disruptive and negative for the k-12 kid does doing it before college maybe make more sense.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2023 13:02     Subject: If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to what having tons of fun together but not being comparable means. I’m not being stupid, I just need to see it spelled out to understand.


I'm not sure why so many ppl are being obtuse. Do you not understand that parents can have fun engaging with their child for an event or activity and having "fun" as a family unit for the sake of their kid? This literally happens all the time - even with divorced parents. You enjoy seeing your kid's joy and you may like the activity - e.g. ski vacation, beach vacation, going to the movies, going to dinner. I like doing all of that and can "have fun" with the other parent.

And having to explain on this particular board is obnoxious given the amount of posts we see about unhappily married couples staying for their kid's sake. Now everyone wants to move the goal post and say "hey you're never allowed to divorce because even your 30 yr old child will be impacted". GTFOH.

I totally understand when someone chooses to stay if there is no outright abuse / drugs, etc. but I also totally get that just because those things don't exist doesn't mean I have to be unhappy for literally my whole life because I should be grateful that someone is willing to be my kind roomie. You all are really losing the plot in this thread. OP is not wrong to not want to be married to someone that she doesn't have any romantic feelings for and is not compatible - sexually, emotionally, intellectually, etc. Being a martyr is what you all want everyone to be and it's ludicrous.

It’s ludicrous to make the leap that simply choosing gratitude for a happy and fun home life makes one a martyr. It’s a choice, and a good one at that.


OP literally said she was unhappy and they are not happy as a couple. So what now? Oh...I know...happiness is a choice and OP doesn't know what she's talking about, amirite? Pffft.


It’s not that- if there is no addiction, abuse, adultery, it’s worth it to get marriage counseling and throw yourself into fixing the marriage at least once. Maybe you CAN be happy with this person, maybe your expectations aren’t realistic, etc. I’m not even sure if Op has tried that but it’s important. Divorce is a huge logistical and financial burden and should be viewed as a last resort.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2023 12:58     Subject: If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine divorcing for this reason if I had kids, no matter what age. I’d work on my marriage instead. Companionship with someone you like is a pretty great thing as you enter the second half of your life.


This.
100%
You are lucky to be living with a spouse who you get along with and have fun with.


+1000. You sound lazy. Get some marriage counseling instead. There is no Prince Charming out there. It’s a lie you are telling yourself bc you don’t want to do the work. And your poor daughter will be collateral damage!


Mind your own business, harpy.