Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really wish people realized that its damaging to the kids when you stay unhappily married until the youngest is out of the house. People seem to have this naive idea that staying doesn't mess kids up too.

I read a book about this and the therapist who wrote the book basically said that if you are somewhat amicable low conflict roommates it’s better for the kids than divorce. Kids are not THAT aware or interested with what is going on with their parents. They worry about themselves. If you can provide them a safe and peaceful home they are fine. YMMV.

I agree with this. However the marriage needs to include piv, no other way around it

Lots of ways around that.

- Married lesbian

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the point of staying for the kids?

To avoid the custody battle?

If both are miserable in the marriage and want a divorce and only staying for the kids, why would custody be an issue? If the mother was the primary parent, I doubt the dad is suddenly looking to take full custody of young kids or even 50%, if he was the bread winner. They usually just want the weekends or a holiday here and there.

Mine says he will fight for 50/50 custody. I believe he will. Not because he really thinks he can co-parent 50% of the time, but because he is angry with me. The kids will suffer shuffling between two homes, especially because he is depressed and irresponsible and not trying to get help. I am trying to create my own happy life within this home for the next few years.

Wishing you the best. I hate when a parent uses the kids to get back at their ex. I have a relative in a similar situation. He wanted the divorce and she didn't, and she uses the 4 kids as a cudgel to hurt him despite the fact that he does everything to keep the kids out of it. She was so bitter and resentful of the divorce that she tries to make his life a living hell even after years since the settlement. She will still drag him into court over every petty thing. Nasty woman. And yes, I'm sure some will say I'm saying this because he's my relative, but even HER relatives have told him in private that they didn't blame him for leaving.

She must have a lot of money to go to court year after year. Usually that’s the rich narcissist males who do that Finanical and court abuse. Or someone very concerned about a mentally disordered ex w kids’ health and safety and wellbeing.

Yes, she has family money, but he pays for EVERYTHING when it comes to the kids. She doesn't work and he pays really good alimony. Obviously I can't get into the things she has claimed to drag him to court, but she's just downright cruel and even the judge has admonished her lawyer for their tactics.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the point of staying for the kids?

To avoid the custody battle?

If both are miserable in the marriage and want a divorce and only staying for the kids, why would custody be an issue? If the mother was the primary parent, I doubt the dad is suddenly looking to take full custody of young kids or even 50%, if he was the bread winner. They usually just want the weekends or a holiday here and there.

Mine says he will fight for 50/50 custody. I believe he will. Not because he really thinks he can co-parent 50% of the time, but because he is angry with me. The kids will suffer shuffling between two homes, especially because he is depressed and irresponsible and not trying to get help. I am trying to create my own happy life within this home for the next few years.

Wishing you the best. I hate when a parent uses the kids to get back at their ex. I have a relative in a similar situation. He wanted the divorce and she didn't, and she uses the 4 kids as a cudgel to hurt him despite the fact that he does everything to keep the kids out of it. She was so bitter and resentful of the divorce that she tries to make his life a living hell even after years since the settlement. She will still drag him into court over every petty thing. Nasty woman. And yes, I'm sure some will say I'm saying this because he's my relative, but even HER relatives have told him in private that they didn't blame him for leaving.

She must have a lot of money to go to court year after year. Usually that’s the rich narcissist males who do that Finanical and court abuse. Or someone very concerned about a mentally disordered ex w kids’ health and safety and wellbeing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the point of staying for the kids?

To avoid the custody battle?

If both are miserable in the marriage and want a divorce and only staying for the kids, why would custody be an issue? If the mother was the primary parent, I doubt the dad is suddenly looking to take full custody of young kids or even 50%, if he was the bread winner. They usually just want the weekends or a holiday here and there.

Mine says he will fight for 50/50 custody. I believe he will. Not because he really thinks he can co-parent 50% of the time, but because he is angry with me. The kids will suffer shuffling between two homes, especially because he is depressed and irresponsible and not trying to get help. I am trying to create my own happy life within this home for the next few years.

Wishing you the best. I hate when a parent uses the kids to get back at their ex. I have a relative in a similar situation. He wanted the divorce and she didn't, and she uses the 4 kids as a cudgel to hurt him despite the fact that he does everything to keep the kids out of it. She was so bitter and resentful of the divorce that she tries to make his life a living hell even after years since the settlement. She will still drag him into court over every petty thing. Nasty woman. And yes, I'm sure some will say I'm saying this because he's my relative, but even HER relatives have told him in private that they didn't blame him for leaving.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really wish people realized that its damaging to the kids when you stay unhappily married until the youngest is out of the house. People seem to have this naive idea that staying doesn't mess kids up too.

I read a book about this and the therapist who wrote the book basically said that if you are somewhat amicable low conflict roommates it’s better for the kids than divorce. Kids are not THAT aware or interested with what is going on with their parents. They worry about themselves. If you can provide them a safe and peaceful home they are fine. YMMV.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really wish people realized that its damaging to the kids when you stay unhappily married until the youngest is out of the house. People seem to have this naive idea that staying doesn't mess kids up too.

I read a book about this and the therapist who wrote the book basically said that if you are somewhat amicable low conflict roommates it’s better for the kids than divorce. Kids are not THAT aware or interested with what is going on with their parents. They worry about themselves. If you can provide them a safe and peaceful home they are fine. YMMV.

I agree with this. However the marriage needs to include piv, no other way around it

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard. My kids are in college and I can’t even pull the trigger because I don’t want to ruin their college experience by causing stress of a divorce. Now I’m thinking maybe when they graduate and are in their own. I know in theory my kids would completely understand but they’d still be affected And away at college where I need them to focus on school.

But I truly cannot stand my DH. Just done with him.

Then, at what point have you wasted your entire life being in an unhappy marriage? Is this the same thing you’d want for your own children?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is like a weekly thread. So sad.

It is sad. But not everyone in life gets lucky in marriage.

The problem is thinking it’s luck.

It is luck. Many things can happen in a marriage that one might not be able to forsee. On paper, it looked perfect. In reality, it was hell. Abusers don't show their colors until they think they have you...that is either with marriage or a birth of a child. Stop patting yourself on the back. Many people did everything right, picked the right partners, and ended up with liars or abusers.

This is very very true. There's no way I could have predicted that my husband's family would torment me the way they did and that my husband would not have the emotional strength to stand up for me. I could not have predicted a lot of things about my husband, as he was very very good at hiding who he really is.

How did they torment you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ my issue is that there was verbal and emotional abuse. Since ending the separation we have been in counseling and the behavior is a lot better. But I just don’t see the love coming back at this point. It would be a marriage of convenience with respectful/dutiful behavior, at best.

PP do you ever have regrets for staying? It sounds like no.

My DH was abusive, pp. I was so over him and was desperate to leave. Counseling actually helped him because he wanted to change. I have been able to gain my feelings back, to a certain extent. You have to be open to loving them again if they truly change, and that takes time and a lot of therapy.

PP here.

I am seeing behavior changes but no contrition or acknowledgement. It’s like he insists on playing the victim and trying to manipulate in more subtle ways, although a lot of the overt intimidation — yelling, threats, and false accusations — has dissipated.

I am really over it. I can hardly stand to be in therapy with him, because it means hearing him dodge and avoid any actual responsibility. I’m just very tired.

I get it. I absolutely get it. Basically the only reason to give this person a chance is for the sake of your children. Don't have super high expectations for contrition or acknowledgement. I guess it is hard to step back and admit you were being a miserable bastard. It's going to take a ton of therapy before he gets to that point. And if he ever does apologize or acknowledge what he has done, don't expect repeats. Just let the past go. The behavior change is the acknowledgement. But if he is able to improve over time and not fall back into old habits, that's a really big deal. Give it more time. Focus on yourself and making yourself happy and your own healing. Go out with friends, exercise, find new hobbies. And don't try to make yourself forgive him or love him, and don't feel like a chump for staying. You are trying to preserve your marriage and family and that is admirable. If your feelings do return, that is great. If not, you can figure out what to do.

Thank you, truly. Helps to be seen. I think a lot of it is mental in terms of coming to terms with the gap between that I hoped for in the relationship and what it is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is like a weekly thread. So sad.

It is sad. But not everyone in life gets lucky in marriage.

The problem is thinking it’s luck.

It is luck. Many things can happen in a marriage that one might not be able to forsee. On paper, it looked perfect. In reality, it was hell. Abusers don't show their colors until they think they have you...that is either with marriage or a birth of a child. Stop patting yourself on the back. Many people did everything right, picked the right partners, and ended up with liars or abusers.

This is very very true. There's no way I could have predicted that my husband's family would torment me the way they did and that my husband would not have the emotional strength to stand up for me. I could not have predicted a lot of things about my husband, as he was very very good at hiding who he really is.

I'm going to look for an assisted living place for a parent for a week out of state next week. Husband said "don't come home". Of course I'm coming home but it tells me what I need to plan for

First marriage ended because of physical abuse. I called 911 after yet another episode and was locked up with him. It was "he said, she said" and we both sat in jail. I had already moved out, so there was no reason for him to jump me, but he did.
The child was very young. DC can't remember the time we were together or the jail part. As he grew older, I didn't make Dc move between houses too often.
I thought I could do better with the 2nd one and simply partnered up instead of marriage. This was low conflict for years and then I wasn't allow to go outside.
I thought it was crazy and simply went to outside for a walk. He locked me out. I couldn't pretend this is low conflict anymore and moved out. Extremely difficult to live without the child, but he wouldn't budge. There had to be some kind of mental thing going on in the End.
I got my child back and don't have to answer to anyone.
As a kid, my parents thought physically. I begged them to separate. They didn't until I was almost grown. It was very damaging. Low conflict would have been fine as they were working most of the time anyway.

In the past I think some of these situations (helpless husbands) would be more tenable with a SAHM. Not the abuse part obviously. I don’t think my husband would be good splitting chores and household duties with me and I think we’d fight constantly if I expected him to. Instead I SAH a very long time and now work PT. But this only works because I wanted to do those things - if I wanted to work FT I think I’d be very unhappy with him.

Anonymous wrote:Who else?

How many years left?

I have 10

Why wait? Seriously. They aren’t oblivious to the dysfunction and tension even if you think they are.

I’m not just staying for the kids (or rather because I don’t want to lose time with them), but also because I don’t want to live without my pets.