Anonymous
12/02/2023 16:20
Subject: Discipline for excessive crying
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think testing her for SN (ASD?) is a good idea. Sounds like high rigidity, not being able to deal with transition/uncertainty/change of imaginary plan (like she THINKS you will make her a sandwich or give a donut and then it doesn’t happen).
Good luck!
Not everything is ASD. She is having a temper tantrum because it works.
Based on what OP described about this behavior going all the way back to infancy and needing to quit her job, I’d say an evaluation is warranted here (and I am not a person who always says that).
Anonymous
12/02/2023 16:13
Subject: Discipline for excessive crying
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Discipline!!?? Please read "Good inside" by Dr. Becky Kennedy.
Please do NOT read Dr Becky Kennedy. She has zero grounding in evidence-based therapies for child behavior.
Right. Her advice on an issue like this is pointless. Are you supposed to empathize and support the toddler crying for the entire three hours while remaining perfectly calm?
Maybe if you had a lot of valium lol, but that would cause other problems for moms.
OP, I tell my kid that if can't stop crying it must be bedtime. Ain't nobody got time for that. I'm also the OP of the Alloparenting thread in General Parenting.
Haha I commented a lot on that thread! You can probably find my comments now based on this thread.
Yes, Dr. Becky, Lansbury et al are all about being calm and ignoring this stuff. My whole point is, I can’t! I’m never sure whether they don’t believe kids as extreme as mine exist or whether they think parents can actually calmly handle the amount of crying and screaming mine does. I fully admit I’m the problem and I just cannot take it. In practical terms, are you really supposed to ignore a crying toddler for 3 hours while occasionally getting down to their level to interject calm, empathetic words about how they are feeling? Because I have tried this! Multiple times. By the end I felt like I’d run a marathon and needed to cry myself from the stress. Oh, and my daughter never stopped crying or self regulated. I eventually distracted her.
The answer is that they don’t have any training or experience in actual behavioral problems or neurodivergence and are trying to sell books. They know very little about how to help parents.
I’ll never forget reading “The Whole Brain Child” when my kid was in the middle of developing some seriously disruptive behaviors. They were like “Oh, I asked my child to come to the table gently and they were able to self-reflect and put down their book!!” So freakin’ useless. We found an excellent child psychologist who put us quickly onto the right track with a behavioral chart w consequences & incentives, plus parent training on how to give commands.
Anonymous
12/02/2023 16:12
Subject: Discipline for excessive crying
Anonymous wrote:I think testing her for SN (ASD?) is a good idea. Sounds like high rigidity, not being able to deal with transition/uncertainty/change of imaginary plan (like she THINKS you will make her a sandwich or give a donut and then it doesn’t happen).
Good luck!
Not everything is ASD. She is having a temper tantrum because it works.
Anonymous
12/02/2023 16:08
Subject: Discipline for excessive crying
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It's interesting that she only does it with you. That is good! What about offering her a reward for not crying. I'd usually say 2ish is a bit too young for a rewards chart, but, since she is so verbal it could be worth a try.
Is it ok from an emotional perspective to incentivize not crying? Everything I’ve read says that crying in and of itself is not a problem. So does rewards for not crying send an inappropriate message that crying is bad? Sorry for dumb questions. I’m really struggling.
Hi OP. Throw Janet Lansbury in the trash and call a trained child psychologist who specializes in parent management training. You absolutely can ignore behavior you want to reduce. The crying sounds like it is to get attention. It’s not neglectful for you to set up a plan to try to reduce it.
Thank you. Any recommendations on an east coast psychologist?
what city?
Rather not share. But it doesn’t matter: we will and have the means to go absolutely anywhere there is a therapist who can help us solve this.
It’s not feasible to travel to do this kind of therapy or do it virtually. Since you’re not willing to share the city you’ll have to google “behavioral psychologist” and “parent management.” “Parent child interaction therapy” and “PCIT”
are also good search terms.
Anonymous
12/02/2023 15:46
Subject: Discipline for excessive crying
Earplugs! Noise-canceling headphones! I’m not kidding. It sounds like you two are getting into a stress cycle where her crying stresses you out and then your stress keeps her keyed up. When she gets this way, try to block out the sound and see if it helps you dissociate from it.
Anonymous
12/02/2023 15:42
Subject: Discipline for excessive crying
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Discipline!!?? Please read "Good inside" by Dr. Becky Kennedy.
Please do NOT read Dr Becky Kennedy. She has zero grounding in evidence-based therapies for child behavior.
Right. Her advice on an issue like this is pointless. Are you supposed to empathize and support the toddler crying for the entire three hours while remaining perfectly calm?
Maybe if you had a lot of valium lol, but that would cause other problems for moms.
OP, I tell my kid that if can't stop crying it must be bedtime. Ain't nobody got time for that. I'm also the OP of the Alloparenting thread in General Parenting.
Haha I commented a lot on that thread! You can probably find my comments now based on this thread.
Yes, Dr. Becky, Lansbury et al are all about being calm and ignoring this stuff. My whole point is, I can’t! I’m never sure whether they don’t believe kids as extreme as mine exist or whether they think parents can actually calmly handle the amount of crying and screaming mine does. I fully admit I’m the problem and I just cannot take it. In practical terms, are you really supposed to ignore a crying toddler for 3 hours while occasionally getting down to their level to interject calm, empathetic words about how they are feeling? Because I have tried this! Multiple times. By the end I felt like I’d run a marathon and needed to cry myself from the stress. Oh, and my daughter never stopped crying or self regulated. I eventually distracted her.
I’m guessing when you say you eventually distract her that you if you try to distract her earlier it isn’t effective?
Not exactly what you’re looking for, but I’ve found these ear plugs to be very helpful reducing my overstimulation with my very loud children.
https://www.happyearsearplugs.com/
Anonymous
12/02/2023 15:25
Subject: Discipline for excessive crying
Anonymous wrote:I think testing her for SN (ASD?) is a good idea. Sounds like high rigidity, not being able to deal with transition/uncertainty/change of imaginary plan (like she THINKS you will make her a sandwich or give a donut and then it doesn’t happen).
Good luck!
I was thinking the same thing—have you filled out the ASQ-SE? That could help you determine whether you should pursue an eval by a child development specialist. This sounds outside the norm from what you’ve described. I know you’ve ruled out physical things but did you rule out developmental causes?
Anonymous
12/02/2023 15:18
Subject: Discipline for excessive crying
I think testing her for SN (ASD?) is a good idea. Sounds like high rigidity, not being able to deal with transition/uncertainty/change of imaginary plan (like she THINKS you will make her a sandwich or give a donut and then it doesn’t happen).
Good luck!
Good luck!
Anonymous
12/02/2023 15:08
Subject: Discipline for excessive crying
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It's interesting that she only does it with you. That is good! What about offering her a reward for not crying. I'd usually say 2ish is a bit too young for a rewards chart, but, since she is so verbal it could be worth a try.
Is it ok from an emotional perspective to incentivize not crying? Everything I’ve read says that crying in and of itself is not a problem. So does rewards for not crying send an inappropriate message that crying is bad? Sorry for dumb questions. I’m really struggling.
Hi OP. Throw Janet Lansbury in the trash and call a trained child psychologist who specializes in parent management training. You absolutely can ignore behavior you want to reduce. The crying sounds like it is to get attention. It’s not neglectful for you to set up a plan to try to reduce it.
Thank you. Any recommendations on an east coast psychologist?
what city?
Rather not share. But it doesn’t matter: we will and have the means to go absolutely anywhere there is a therapist who can help us solve this.
If this is the case (money is no object) I would put her in daycare
Anonymous
12/02/2023 14:58
Subject: Discipline for excessive crying
All day daycare or preschool.
Anonymous
12/02/2023 14:55
Subject: Re:Discipline for excessive crying
Anonymous wrote:Op, I’m sorry this sounds incredibly hard. This also isn’t typical, so there is likely something going on here so punishment is unlikely to help, it could make it worse. I can understand how you feel at the end of your rope.
Instead of punishment I would strongly consider finding a therapist who does PCIT - parent child interaction therapy. Therapists actually watch you through a window and coach you through ear buds using specific techniques. They do use techniques like time outs in certain situations. They may be able to give you insight into what is going on and support to respond in consistent, helpful ways that help you feel empowered. It is specifically geared towards younger kids, including 2 year olds.
Sending good vibes, it is very hard to have a child whose needs are beyond some other kids (I have one too! Though different and he is older so we now know what is going on) and can feel so isolating. I don’t recommend using punishment but getting some professional tools.
Wow, I didn’t know that existed. This is exactly what I need. I’ll Google this, thank you.
Anonymous
12/02/2023 14:54
Subject: Discipline for excessive crying
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It's interesting that she only does it with you. That is good! What about offering her a reward for not crying. I'd usually say 2ish is a bit too young for a rewards chart, but, since she is so verbal it could be worth a try.
Is it ok from an emotional perspective to incentivize not crying? Everything I’ve read says that crying in and of itself is not a problem. So does rewards for not crying send an inappropriate message that crying is bad? Sorry for dumb questions. I’m really struggling.
This is what I tell my kid, basically:
All feelings are good but not all actions are good. Sometimes crying, which is an action, feels good but if it goes on too long, it keeps you from breathing and talking and doing the things you really want to do (like eating ice cream). You make the choice on what feels better, do you want to cry or do you want to do some deep breathing?
Good suggestion. Thank you.
Anonymous
12/02/2023 14:53
Subject: Discipline for excessive crying
God really doesnt give with both hands. Im sorry OP.
Anonymous
12/02/2023 14:53
Subject: Discipline for excessive crying
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Discipline!!?? Please read "Good inside" by Dr. Becky Kennedy.
Please do NOT read Dr Becky Kennedy. She has zero grounding in evidence-based therapies for child behavior.
Right. Her advice on an issue like this is pointless. Are you supposed to empathize and support the toddler crying for the entire three hours while remaining perfectly calm?
Maybe if you had a lot of valium lol, but that would cause other problems for moms.
OP, I tell my kid that if can't stop crying it must be bedtime. Ain't nobody got time for that. I'm also the OP of the Alloparenting thread in General Parenting.
Haha I commented a lot on that thread! You can probably find my comments now based on this thread.
Yes, Dr. Becky, Lansbury et al are all about being calm and ignoring this stuff. My whole point is, I can’t! I’m never sure whether they don’t believe kids as extreme as mine exist or whether they think parents can actually calmly handle the amount of crying and screaming mine does. I fully admit I’m the problem and I just cannot take it. In practical terms, are you really supposed to ignore a crying toddler for 3 hours while occasionally getting down to their level to interject calm, empathetic words about how they are feeling? Because I have tried this! Multiple times. By the end I felt like I’d run a marathon and needed to cry myself from the stress. Oh, and my daughter never stopped crying or self regulated. I eventually distracted her.
Anonymous
12/02/2023 14:48
Subject: Discipline for excessive crying
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It's interesting that she only does it with you. That is good! What about offering her a reward for not crying. I'd usually say 2ish is a bit too young for a rewards chart, but, since she is so verbal it could be worth a try.
Is it ok from an emotional perspective to incentivize not crying? Everything I’ve read says that crying in and of itself is not a problem. So does rewards for not crying send an inappropriate message that crying is bad? Sorry for dumb questions. I’m really struggling.
Hi OP. Throw Janet Lansbury in the trash and call a trained child psychologist who specializes in parent management training. You absolutely can ignore behavior you want to reduce. The crying sounds like it is to get attention. It’s not neglectful for you to set up a plan to try to reduce it.
Thank you. Any recommendations on an east coast psychologist?
what city?
Rather not share. But it doesn’t matter: we will and have the means to go absolutely anywhere there is a therapist who can help us solve this.