Anonymous
Post 11/28/2023 16:55     Subject: DW acting as if nothing is happening during divorce mediation
Anonymous wrote:We are currently in divorce mediation and the behavior of DW is just strange or maybe I am the weird one. She asked for divorce a year ago, and I initially suggested couple therapy, but she declined and just wanted to divorce ASAP. So, we are currently in mediation and things are going well. Please tell me if I am wrong to feel this way but, in my opinion, while divorcing couples do remain "amicable" I don't think daily interactions should go on as if nothing is happening in the relationship. For instance, she still texts me random stuff (funny text messages, sexual jokes, etc...), she calls me and tells me about her day (like last night we were on the phone for 50 mins). We have not had sex in over 7 months, we are sleeping in separate bedrooms. Basically, I am trying to distance myself from her because she no longer wants to remain married to me and the only reason, I have not pushed back on her acting the same way when our marriage was working is because we are in mediation (going well so far) and I don't want to show anger around our kids in the house.

This morning she comes into my room wakes me up and tells me about a book that she is reading about ADD and she thinks she has ADD. Some days she is in an extremely bad mood and lectures on all my shortcomings (she is divorcing me so why is she still lecturing me?). Other days she tells me she knows her worth and can't wait to be divorced and a few hours later tells me I will meet someone great. Folks what the hell is going on with this woman? Is this how some people behave during divorce?

My only suspicion is that perhaps she already has someone lined up and she will be that person when the divorce is finalized. Honestly that will be the best-case scenario because then I my only interaction post divorce will be related to the kids.

As far my mental state, I am doing everything I can to remain in good health and spirit. I am working out again, riding my motorcycle, hiking etc.

OP, it sounds to me like your wife wants to divorce but remain friends and keep everything more or less the way it was, except for not being married. I'm a little jealous, actually. My (now) ex-wife moved out and went more or less radio silent about midway through the mediation process except for questions about the mediation. Once that was done, she almost entirely stopped speaking with me or responding to e-mails. I miss the conversations with her more than I miss being married to her, frankly. Ideally, we wouldn't have gotten divorced at all, but I'd take "divorced but still friends" over shutting off all contact any day.

So maybe be glad for small favors, I say.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2023 16:35     Subject: DW acting as if nothing is happening during divorce mediation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This sounds like she fell out of love and isn't interested in being married to OP anymore, but it's not like she hates OP. She still wants to be friends. OP is still in love so it's hard for him and he needs the separation in order to process emotionally. I don't think she's acting "crazy" but it doesn't sound like she realizes how painful her behavior is to OP. OP should tell her.


So she got bored I guess....


Which is a valid reason for divorce, right?


Women do it.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2023 16:14     Subject: DW acting as if nothing is happening during divorce mediation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This sounds like she fell out of love and isn't interested in being married to OP anymore, but it's not like she hates OP. She still wants to be friends. OP is still in love so it's hard for him and he needs the separation in order to process emotionally. I don't think she's acting "crazy" but it doesn't sound like she realizes how painful her behavior is to OP. OP should tell her.


So she got bored I guess....


Which is a valid reason for divorce, right?
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2023 15:32     Subject: DW acting as if nothing is happening during divorce mediation
Have you been together for a while? I would just assume you are still "her person" and she hasnt quite separated out the friendship part from the marriage part.

I've been with DH for 17 years, I think it would be hard to stop texting him funny memes and whatever, it would be a habit to break, not something that happens quickly.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2023 14:59     Subject: DW acting as if nothing is happening during divorce mediation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This sounds like she fell out of love and isn't interested in being married to OP anymore, but it's not like she hates OP. She still wants to be friends. OP is still in love so it's hard for him and he needs the separation in order to process emotionally. I don't think she's acting "crazy" but it doesn't sound like she realizes how painful her behavior is to OP. OP should tell her.


So she got bored I guess....


DP.

It may be that she is done mourning the marriage. She may have mourned for a year or two before she filed. OP is still processing now, so he needs space.

Her behavior is inappropriate, but it makes sense if she has already processed. She is lacking in awareness and empathy towards what OP might be going through though.

There are so many issues that can be frustrating about a person when you are married/in a relationship with them that you no longer mind once you are done.


+1. This so true. Men very often are taken by surprise when the divorce bombshell drops. Women process their loss before filling for their divorce. I think this is why we cope far better than men.


Not sure if women cope better, but they are certainly better at portraying happiness even when things are dark.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2023 14:56     Subject: Re:DW acting as if nothing is happening during divorce mediation
Anonymous wrote:She is playing the good guy - see everyone! we can divorce and be friends!

But tbh, she's not allowing you to grieve or mourn the relationship and set your own boundaries. You need therapy - not in a "you're messed up" but moreso how to navigate and how to set your own lines.

She shouldn't be allowed to barge in your room whenever and YOU need to respond less to the daily noise of texts/chats/etc. You don't need to be ice, but you don't need to stay in the same mind frame. You're getting a divorce - are you also working on what life will look like for you after? Make yourself scarce some evenings (after kid duties) - take up a hobby outside of the house, spend alternate weekends away from the house, etc.

You say you're healthy - this is not healthy behavior. You don't have to be mean or cruel or any of those things. But you don't have to act like a spouse.



Naw, this is confused, guilty behavior. She's been having an affair, hence the ASAP. She feels guilty so she chats up DH as if she hadn't asked for the divorce.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2023 14:54     Subject: DW acting as if nothing is happening during divorce mediation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This sounds like she fell out of love and isn't interested in being married to OP anymore, but it's not like she hates OP. She still wants to be friends. OP is still in love so it's hard for him and he needs the separation in order to process emotionally. I don't think she's acting "crazy" but it doesn't sound like she realizes how painful her behavior is to OP. OP should tell her.


So she got bored I guess....


DP.

It may be that she is done mourning the marriage. She may have mourned for a year or two before she filed. OP is still processing now, so he needs space.

Her behavior is inappropriate, but it makes sense if she has already processed. She is lacking in awareness and empathy towards what OP might be going through though.

There are so many issues that can be frustrating about a person when you are married/in a relationship with them that you no longer mind once you are done.


+1. This so true. Men very often are taken by surprise when the divorce bombshell drops. Women process their loss before filling for their divorce. I think this is why we cope far better than men.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2023 13:56     Subject: DW acting as if nothing is happening during divorce mediation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This sounds like she fell out of love and isn't interested in being married to OP anymore, but it's not like she hates OP. She still wants to be friends. OP is still in love so it's hard for him and he needs the separation in order to process emotionally. I don't think she's acting "crazy" but it doesn't sound like she realizes how painful her behavior is to OP. OP should tell her.


So she got bored I guess....


DP.

It may be that she is done mourning the marriage. She may have mourned for a year or two before she filed. OP is still processing now, so he needs space.

Her behavior is inappropriate, but it makes sense if she has already processed. She is lacking in awareness and empathy towards what OP might be going through though.

There are so many issues that can be frustrating about a person when you are married/in a relationship with them that you no longer mind once you are done.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2023 13:48     Subject: DW acting as if nothing is happening during divorce mediation
She is acting normal because she is so clear on her decision.

She appreciates your company, so still taps into that.

Your feelings are normal/common. But do not be confused. She is not sending mixed messages.

(By the way, you are not doing everything to take care of your health if you ride a motorcycle. They are , mile per mile , 26 times more lethal than cars)

If it is too painful for you, move out.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2023 13:39     Subject: DW acting as if nothing is happening during divorce mediation
Anonymous wrote:This sounds like she fell out of love and isn't interested in being married to OP anymore, but it's not like she hates OP. She still wants to be friends. OP is still in love so it's hard for him and he needs the separation in order to process emotionally. I don't think she's acting "crazy" but it doesn't sound like she realizes how painful her behavior is to OP. OP should tell her.


So she got bored I guess....
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2023 13:22     Subject: DW acting as if nothing is happening during divorce mediation
This sounds like she fell out of love and isn't interested in being married to OP anymore, but it's not like she hates OP. She still wants to be friends. OP is still in love so it's hard for him and he needs the separation in order to process emotionally. I don't think she's acting "crazy" but it doesn't sound like she realizes how painful her behavior is to OP. OP should tell her.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2023 13:01     Subject: DW acting as if nothing is happening during divorce mediation
One of our friend spent 10k for their separation mediation and then his wife had a change heart after the separation agreement was finalized. He repeatedly asked her to go through with the divorce, but she never filed with the court. He eventually hired a lawyer, and their divorce was just finalized. She begged him not to divorce even though it was her idea and this after they spent 10k and had an agreement in writing. So weird behavior is not uncommon during divorce proceedings.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2023 12:59     Subject: DW acting as if nothing is happening during divorce mediation
Anonymous wrote:Is there a reason you have not moved out?

Who knows what is going on with her but I personally would not be able to deal with this, emotionally. If my spouse unilaterally wanted a divorce, with no effort at counseling, I'd get out of there and be polite but use the "gray rock" strategy towards her otherwise.

It may be that she has a mental illness or does not have relationship skills and asked for divorce and now sees no way out of it. It may be that she wants a divorce and would prefer to be just friends with you and is ignoring how devastating this is for you.

Who knows, but I'd be out of there. People do occasionally remarry. But right now she gets to "divorce" you without actually having to emotionally detach from you, and you don't seem to be making it clear to her that this detachment is necessary.

His wife wants the divorce, she moves out.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2023 12:52     Subject: DW acting as if nothing is happening during divorce mediation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why are you divorcing?



I'm curious about this too.
You say you suggested counseling, but what came before that?
I think alot of her behavior could be explained by what happened in the prelude to her asking for divorce.

For example, if there were issues that you declined to work on for years until she got fed up and asked for divorce and then she got mad at you for them wanting counseling

Maybe she wants you to fight a little harder


Based on what op said, sounds like wife is the one with issues.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2023 12:50     Subject: Re:DW acting as if nothing is happening during divorce mediation
Anonymous wrote:She is playing the good guy - see everyone! we can divorce and be friends!

But tbh, she's not allowing you to grieve or mourn the relationship and set your own boundaries. You need therapy - not in a "you're messed up" but moreso how to navigate and how to set your own lines.

She shouldn't be allowed to barge in your room whenever and YOU need to respond less to the daily noise of texts/chats/etc. You don't need to be ice, but you don't need to stay in the same mind frame. You're getting a divorce - are you also working on what life will look like for you after? Make yourself scarce some evenings (after kid duties) - take up a hobby outside of the house, spend alternate weekends away from the house, etc.

You say you're healthy - this is not healthy behavior. You don't have to be mean or cruel or any of those things. But you don't have to act like a spouse.


+1. Take the kids to do stuff alone on the weekends. I would take a while to answer any text / phone call that is not kid related. If adding a lock to your door seems too aggressive, then when she comes in to discuss non-kid things, you could tell her that you need a nap/to go to bed, and then literally get under the covers and pretend to sleep. A couple of therapy sessions could help you work out a way to set up some boundaries. I also think it is fine to tell her that her behavior confuses you and ask her again if she would see a therapist with you.