We don’t call it chores. We call it “your share of the housework.” They do the work usually without much complaint. (13 and 10 y.o.) I’ve noticed that what works best is when it happens on a regular, predictable schedule. For example, together they empty the dishwasher each morning. It’s part of their morning routine just like getting dressed and brushing teeth. There’s no reminder needed because it happens every day in the same sequence.
Stuff like talking out the recycling, which they do less often and therefore less automatically, often needs a reminder. To a certain extent we let them choose which of these periodic chores they preferred to take on as their own.
We don’t tie allowance to chores. Allowance is a tool for learning money management.
We’re not hugely dogmatic about this…. Just like I might slack off on a chore if I’ve had a hard day, and my spouse will pick up the slack as an act of love, sometimes I do the same for them as a treat if they are wiped out. But I tell them why I’m doing it.
I think it helps that they’ve been in Montessori which stresses the classroom environment and shared caring for it. But we’ve also taken the approach that their taking on more housework is a sign that we recognize their growing ability and maturity, it’s not something we’re doing to punish them but rather a recognition of their ability to contribute.
I think trying to trade phone for chores, for example, makes it into a power thing. Better to sit everyone down and say, “here’s all the work that needs to be done to keep this place going, we all have to chip in as self-respecting humans, so what are you willing/able to take on.” Get some buy-in rather than bribes or ultimatums. I praise their strength as they are hauling in groceries.

I can only commiserate. I give my child (13) a list of minimal chores first thing in the am that he has to do before he gets his phone.

He will literally go a week without his phone before he does the chore.

I know he wants his phone - will beg hourly, but I refuse until work is done then he gets it for one day and starts over the next.

Maddening. Spent 25 minutes on chores is all I ask.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m only responding to commiserate. I can’t get my teen and tween to help around the house either.

I can’t either but neither could my mother. We would go to school and we would come home and find dirty clothes gone, bed made, clean clothes hung up.

The laziest thing we did and I feel bad about this was when she would go shopping and cleaning she would put things on the stairs that needed to go up. My father used to ask everyone to bring one thing up with them and put it away. Nope. He also used to ask us to keep one cup for the day. Refill it when it’s empty instead of getting a new one every time you want a new drink. Nope.

I don’t know what it is or why some kids are fine with helping out and some refuse.

No surprise you can't get your kids to help out around the house. Nobody taught you how. If you read all the comments you'll find that those parents who don't accept their kids not helping have kids that help. It all has to do with the parents attitude and consistency.

Anonymous wrote:I’m only responding to commiserate. I can’t get my teen and tween to help around the house either.

I can’t either but neither could my mother. We would go to school and we would come home and find dirty clothes gone, bed made, clean clothes hung up.

The laziest thing we did and I feel bad about this was when she would go shopping and cleaning she would put things on the stairs that needed to go up. My father used to ask everyone to bring one thing up with them and put it away. Nope. He also used to ask us to keep one cup for the day. Refill it when it’s empty instead of getting a new one every time you want a new drink. Nope.

I don’t know what it is or why some kids are fine with helping out and some refuse.

In order to get behavior to change you have to have a meeting where you clearly set out the issues, write them down, and then list consequences for doing them or not doing them. Then you consistently enforce them. Every single time. I would add an extra chore is one is not completed. They need a visual chart, a reminder, until automatic, and then immediately take the phone or cut the WiFi or whatever. You can trade the phone for a cheap flip phone if the kid will need to call you for a ride home or whatever.

You have lots of power. Take their bedroom door off the hinges if they are not cooperating, because too much privacy is clearly making them forget they are not part of a family. Don’t do their laundry. Don’t make them dinner if they didn’t clean up the kitchen. They can have a bowl of cereal while everyone else eats.

If you can approach it as a group responsibility to run the house and ask if it is fair that you do all the work, all the better, and thank each other and plan fun events for the family because you are no longer too tired to organize and pay for them.

It’s inconceivable to me that kids don’t do what they are told, given the normal parameters of growing up and rebelling. It’s not a choice. It’s basic behavior modification, hopefully fueled by love, but certainly controllable by consequences.

If your family is too far gone, have a couple of sessions with a family therapist.

Make it clear when assigning chores (tasks, familial contributions, etc) that part of doing the chore is doing it without being reminded.

Although it wasn't a chore assigned to a specific kid, I told my kids that I expected to come down to a clean kitchen every morning, and if it wasn't clean, I would wake them up to clean it. Five AM wakeups were rare, but they left a lasting impression.

It probably gave them flashbacks to the way the person who was supposed to set the table would find, at dinner time, that if I had to set the table, I didn't set a place for them and I didn't call them for dinner. (Yes, they could have dinner, but it was cold by the time they realized what had happened.)

Anonymous wrote:
I think that part of the issue is calling things "chores" instead of just expectations of people who live in a household and share a space.

This x 1000

We don't call them "chores". It is never an issue and working together is just part of our lives. We work together to keep our space clean and organized. It isn't spectacularly so, but it is good enough and there are no arguments, payments tied to work done by kids, etc.

What works in our house is that everyone helps out at the same time. Everyday, we set a timer for 15 minutes right after dinner and I’ll list some things that need to be done, (ex: clear the table, flip over and fold the laundry, clean up dishes, clean up living room) and the teens will say stuff like “dibs on flipping over the laundry” or whatever. Then the whole family goes and works on chores for 15 minutes. When the timer goes off, anything that is left is just left to a later time.

Similarly on weekend mornings, I’ll write up a list of housework and everyone will work for an hour or an hour and a half doing the chores. Someone might be mowing the lawn, while someone else is grocery shopping, and someone is cleaning, but everyone is working at the same time.

We keep is easy to manage and it seems to work. We have an 12 yr DD and 15 yr DS. Both kids do their own laundry. They alternate months for kitchen duty. That means loading and unloading the dishwasher and cleaning up after meals. It seems like a lot but they get an entire month off in between. Parents help also but that’s a bonus and it’s the kids’ responsibility. We used to alternate days or weeks, but this is much easier to remember, fewer arguments, etc.

We all pitch in a few minutes before the cleaners come. If someone brings in groceries, people need to stop what they’re doing. We don’t allow any food upstairs so I don’t bother them much about clean rooms. They pick up every two weeks so it never gets too out of control. I have decided that I am not fighting the battle of folded clothes. They wear clean clothes and that works for me. Every two weeks, the kids fold their clothes but I will admit that their clothes live in a hamper in between that. Oh well.

Beyond that, we don’t ask for much (and to be fair, outsourcing helps how much any of us have to do).

I don’t get as much resistance as I used to have myself as a kid. We took away phones/screens early on when we started setting expectations and now it’s mostly on autopilot. Our biggest issue is actually the kid who is on the off-month leaving things out in the kitchen because they know it’s not their month to clean up, lol.

The only thing that worked for my kids was allowance, starting small and increasing by both age and amount of chores they did.

I agree with the allowance, it works well. It also helps with good work habits and instilling them for the future - if you do a good job, you get paid.

Anonymous wrote:The 19 year old really won't do chores if you threaten to cancel his cell phone plan? Really?

How about, "A 19 y.o. college student can't be bothered to contribute to the household he is staying in by picking up after himself. Really?"

I think that part of the issue is calling things "chores" instead of just expectations of people who live in a household and share a space.