Anonymous wrote:Why is your doctor waiting 3 years to remove a cancerous tumour? This doesnt sound remotely real

It's not real. I work in the field. Never heard of this gibberish.

Anonymous wrote:All oncology nurses have stories about men leaving their wives due to cancer.

If I were you, I'd beat him to the punch. If my DH is scared but can't deal with that while being supportive, he isn't worth much to me.

Make a robust Plan B with your attorneys, insurance, retirement plans, assets, financials, treatment plan doctors and a strong non-spouse advocate.

Tell your kids the truth too. About your health and about their father. They will need others to lean on too. It obviously won’t be him.

Anonymous wrote:Makes no sense. Waited 2.5 years for surgery knowing it’s cancer? I don’t buy it.

Agree

Troll

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PPs. He’s scared and dealing with it differently than you are. I’m glad you have a therapist. Work with them.

I am sorry for all of you. Wishing you well.

Empaths believe the above the first 5 or 6 times. Then they wake up to who they’re really dealing with.

Anonymous wrote:He’s heartless. Someone needs to take him behind a woodshed and have a heart to heart talk with him. If he won’t listen to you he might listen to someone else. If this happened to me I’d likely ask my dad for advice. My husband respects him but he also knows my father is not someone you cross when it comes to his children and grandchildren.

Amen to smart, empathetic grandfathers.

Too bad they have to father their son in laws on such decency.

Anonymous wrote:He's probably terrified. I'd talk to a therapist instead of him.

Hold up.

What did he do during your bout with cancer 10 years ago?

Check out then too? Try to silence you?

If so that would terrify any spouse and parent looking at round 2. He’s not supportive; and NOW is his time to be that rock.

Everyone should be able to tell their spouse (or parent) their hopes, dreams, worries and fears. Especially major ones. Not little stuff every day but this, absolutely.

He seems to want to be ignored. How self centered.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's probably terrified. I'd talk to a therapist instead of him.

This op his terrified of losing you

Scared for the kids

Traumatized by the last time and he doesn't know how to express those emotions so it comes across as anger.

A therapist is a good idea to process your own feelings and how to deal with your husband and kids.

Ideally everyone would be in something. Would he do family therapy for the kids?
Your doctor's office and treatment center should be able to help setting this up.

OR, his is passive and reactive and this is how his Avoidant Personality defects handle life. Shutdown.

Have you noticed this pattern the last 5-20+ years when needing to make family decisions for the kids, the house, the elderly, family plans? He does nothing, doesn’t get prepared to discuss and wants nothing to do with responsibility or advocacy?

If not then this is just acute and he’ll get into gear soon.

If yes and this is chronically how he “deals with life” (ie does nothing. And doesn’t deal with life, let’s other so his job or let’s options dwindle down to 1 or nil), then you need to:

Notify your best friends, siblings and kids that you need advocates

Tell them that he, for whatever reasons, is constantly incapable of being your health advocate

Find out who has time to deal with insurance, doctors, visiting, debriefs.
Get them involved

Change your PoA, health form releases, and wills to your capable family member of best trusted friend or adult kid

Cut him out of beneficiary things and have a trustee or children get them directly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's probably terrified. I'd talk to a therapist instead of him.

This op his terrified of losing you

Scared for the kids

Traumatized by the last time and he doesn't know how to express those emotions so it comes across as anger.

A therapist is a good idea to process your own feelings and how to deal with your husband and kids.

Ideally everyone would be in something. Would he do family therapy for the kids?
Your doctor's office and treatment center should be able to help setting this up.

This, all of this, OP. I realize YOU are terrified too. But if you can possibly find a tiny bit of grace for him, and the fact he is communicating terribly (as in, not at all), and that lack may be about love of and fear for you and the kids -- exercise that grace. I know, you are the patient, not him! And this sucks on every level. But divorce over this would be so, so rash.

I'm not excusing anger or curtness, to be clear. But I agree with PP above and others saying, therapy for you is job one. Talk to the therapist about how to approach your DH so you can start to get some of what you need from him.

OP, is he a "problem solver" type of person? Sometimes there are people who are not good at simply allowing their partner to vent; those people might feel they have to come up with solutions and concrete actions to take. If they're told "I just want you to listen to me," they don't compute that when they jump in with "Have you tried this? Have you asked the doctor that?" it's actually not helpful. Speaking VERY generically, often men feel the need to problem-solve (and get frustrated when asked to stop that and just show sympathy) and often women want to vent and talk things out without needing to attack each vent and concern as a Problem To Be Solved. If there's any of that dynamic, not just now but overall -- please see that it, and fear, may be what's behind what you're perceiving as not caring. He may be deeply upset and feel powerless that he can't problem-solve to help you. I know it seems counterintuitive for his upset to come out as anger with you, but that's not actually terribly unusual for many people.

Also I think a lot of your post is a good script for approaching this with him. I see that he gets combative when you bring it up -- that really does sound like fear manifesting as anger. He may feel (though he may not realize he feels) that talking about the tumor and treatment makes it all too real and immediate and he's trying not to think about it, especially since you had a previous cancer and treatment. Maybe individual therapy for you and couples therapy--especially if you can locate a therapist with experience where there is a serious medical condition involved.

Anonymous wrote:He’s heartless. Someone needs to take him behind a woodshed and have a heart to heart talk with him. If he won’t listen to you he might listen to someone else. If this happened to me I’d likely ask my dad for advice. My husband respects him but he also knows my father is not someone you cross when it comes to his children and grandchildren.

i

That isn’t what you do behind a woodshed. Woodshed encounters like that are far more violent

Is he generally a person that cannot share emotions? Or is this his one blind spot? I think you really have to decide if this “is who he is” or if he is just so worried he is shut down. But overall, the bigger issue seems to be his refusal to try. Not being willing to go to marriage counseling would be a major issue for me. But, if I thought I might die, I probably would not blow up my kids’ lives.

All that said, I think the bigger problem may be your failure to access your support network. I would start openly discussing this with more friends and I would find a way to tell my kids. They have to see that you are stressed, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am absolutely flabbergasted at the people on husband's side.
The woman has CANCER this isn't the time to be like "do you ask him if he's ok"

Some of you must be raising terrible sons.

Caregiver burnout is a real and terrible thing. Yes, she has cancer, and because of people like you, caregivers are just supposed to sit up and shut up. Sounds like he stepped up last time, and probably will again, but he is also allowed to be tired, angry, frustrated, frightened, sad.

Yes, OP is the sick one, but it also sounds like she has a support network. She is not as alone and isolated as she is forcing herself to be at the moment.

No way in hell what she's describing is caregiver burnout.

Anonymous wrote:Second primary cancer. My children are adopted so genetic testing isn't needed (thankfully) for them. I have done recently for me.

I had a not great experience in a support group during my last illness, and I also haven't really shared the news outside a couple of friends yet, so I don't feel ready to go to a group thing again.

How about a Facebook support group? I like the distance you get emotionally doing it online vs in person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am absolutely flabbergasted at the people on husband's side.
The woman has CANCER this isn't the time to be like "do you ask him if he's ok"

Some of you must be raising terrible sons.

Caregiver burnout is a real and terrible thing. Yes, she has cancer, and because of people like you, caregivers are just supposed to sit up and shut up. Sounds like he stepped up last time, and probably will again, but he is also allowed to be tired, angry, frustrated, frightened, sad.

Yes, OP is the sick one, but it also sounds like she has a support network. She is not as alone and isolated as she is forcing herself to be at the moment.

Caregiver burnout? It sounds like he's not doing much over his normal routine. I'll bet OP does more around the house.

I don't get the impression at all that OP wants him to sit and shut up. As she described it, he gets mad at her who she brings it up and he doesn't want to hear it. He also refused counseling.

I have no idea why people are making so many excuses for him and picking at the OP about her treatment plan.

Anonymous wrote:I am absolutely flabbergasted at the people on husband's side.
The woman has CANCER this isn't the time to be like "do you ask him if he's ok"

Some of you must be raising terrible sons.

Caregiver burnout is a real and terrible thing. Yes, she has cancer, and because of people like you, caregivers are just supposed to sit up and shut up. Sounds like he stepped up last time, and probably will again, but he is also allowed to be tired, angry, frustrated, frightened, sad.

Yes, OP is the sick one, but it also sounds like she has a support network. She is not as alone and isolated as she is forcing herself to be at the moment.

Guy, lay off the OP on the waiting to remove tumor thing. Depending on the location sometimes they may need to do radiation or chemo to shrink it enough before operating.

OP, I'm sorry that you're not getting the support you need from your husband. What you need and want are all reasonable. I hope he gets enough of a change of heart and see a therapist at least. *hugs*