Some of you are so horrible. Your kids must dread talking to you. Try talking to your son. Ask questions and brainstorm ideas for bringing up his grades.

Anonymous wrote:My son is having a hard time accepting this rule. He's a rising sophomore and somehow thinks that he can just get a blank check for school. My wife seems to want to side with him. This is going to be a rough Thanksgiving!
This came up because his grades have been slipping. I reminded him of our deal and he now thinks I'm trying to "control" him.
Are parents really just writing a blank check for their kids? Am I so out of touch to have standards?

Tell him when he starts paying his own way in life he'll be in control. And you expect him to work hard if you're shelling out $$$ to assist him.

Truthfully I'd be happy if just graduated ... Now he's making the same mistakes again!

Which is it, Op? What "mistakes" Op? What "therapy", for what?

Anonymous wrote:Years ago someone told me that in times of conflict and stress with my kid, to invest first and foremost in the relationship. That, long-term, is actually the most reliable way to help them become better versions of themselves. It’s been pretty solid advice, and my biggest mistakes (there have been plenty) — came in the moments when I didn’t take it.

Investing in the relationship doesn’t mean indulging them, or lacking standards. Relationships go two ways!

The above is great advice.

Is he putting forth effort but struggling or skipping classes/slacking ? If the latter then yeah I would say take a year off and work till you get into the right mindset. If the former, then maybe time to talk about the right major and speak with an academic advisor. For the controlling complaint, well, yeah, it’s your money and your responsibility to control it. It sounds pretty immature and ungrateful.

Years ago someone told me that in times of conflict and stress with my kid, to invest first and foremost in the relationship. That, long-term, is actually the most reliable way to help them become better versions of themselves. It’s been pretty solid advice, and my biggest mistakes (there have been plenty) — came in the moments when I didn’t take it.

Investing in the relationship doesn’t mean indulging them, or lacking standards. Relationships go two ways!

OP, what I read in your post is that you feel not only frustrated, but disrespected. Unseen. You are giving all you can, including second chances, and you don’t feel like you’re being met with the same good faith. Is that an accurate assessment of where you are? If so, perhaps framing it in terms of what these grades mean to you on a human/relationship level would be a more helpful starting place than a “3.0-or-bust” punitive scold. You can still get to the 3.0 minimum standard, of course — if that is the boundary you need in this relationship, that’s important to know. But it’s a way of framing the conversation that invests in the relationship and potentially opens a bit more space for your kid to tell you what’s going on.

Good luck.

Sounds like a good plan to me. College is expensive and competitive. It is a privilege to go and a bigger privilege to go with someone else footing the bill. Setting clear expectations doesn’t negate people caring about a kid’s well being or being there to provide support as needed.

The expectation was set before now, that a 3.0 gpa is needed to have parents pay for school. This was a reminder, likely to a kid who needs to buckle down more. Plenty of ADHD kids or those with other LDs manage a 3.0 gpa. If there are more serious school/learning related issues going on, those would likely already be known and being managed. If there are more serious social related issues like drugs going on, then as grades continue to slip that will come out and needs to bubble to the surface anyway.

My child has generalized anxiety and adhd so I’d never say this to my kid.

I don’t know if those are issues your child may have or not. I would definitely make myself available for counsel and advising and make this seem more like a collaboration rather than a threat.

So many family dynamics could be at play here that it’s impossible to give accurate advice.

For example, if your standards are too high for a student who has learning disabilities, then you are not being reasonable.

Or maybe you are reasonable but your wife came from a permissive family and believes in letting your son do whatever, then she might be too permissive.

Keep an open mind and see if you can find the root of the issue and consider any missing pieces of your parenting style, how you and spouse were raised, if your son has mental problems or learning issues, etc. They could be really scared and not feel comfortable telling you that if you are an alpha bro dad, etc.

My kid is fighting for every inch in his calculus class this fall. We’re respecting that he is showing us his effort and struggles. His gpa will land where it lands and we will help him keep moving. Haven’t you ever tanked a project at work? Maybe you did get fired, but I didn’t when it happened early on tome and now I have worked successfully in my career for over 20 years.

My son got a 1.8 one semester, 2.5, 2.3 in communications, lol.

He graduated with a job making 90K.

Sure if you want to shoot yourself in the foot go right ahead I’m not gonna stop you.

I still remember my father yelling about how disappointed he was in my grades after spring semester freshman year. I actually was an engineering major and my parents didn’t have a clue how hard it was, neither were math or science people. I was already mentally done with it all and was ready to transfer but this didn’t help our relationship.

I transferred to the local state school and had an even lower GPA the next year. Disappointment, threats…it led to me stopping school for a while and working full time so I could support myself eventually and go back without their help. It took many years for us to have a good relationship again.

Your kid might not have this experience at all but I’m hesitant anytime parents are that black and white about tuition and grades. Hopefully you wouldn’t stop paying tuition if he’s trying and earned a 2.8.

OP, I’d give grace the first year. I was in the wrong major and tanked. I attended every office hours, for the entire session. I studied and studied. I tried so hard. Pulling a C was a huge success, given the struggle. I’d say that if he thinks he’s going do poorly in a class, you need to see what he’s doing to rectify the situation. I graduated with a very good GPA. Multiple semesters of straight As.

You know what you call the guy who graduated medical school last in class?

Doctor

Anonymous wrote:My son is having a hard time accepting this rule. He's a rising sophomore and somehow thinks that he can just get a blank check for school. My wife seems to want to side with him. This is going to be a rough Thanksgiving!
This came up because his grades have been slipping. I reminded him of our deal and he now thinks I'm trying to "control" him.
Are parents really just writing a blank check for their kids? Am I so out of touch to have standards?

Is your kid failing out or has a few Cs and Bs ?

If they are failing that’s one thing and yes they come home and go to community college.

If they are getting C s and Bs you are an idiot to bring them home

You could make them take out loans for any classes below a C . Or a loan for the whole semester and if they get a good gpa then you pay the loan back.

C’s get degrees not all kids are A students

Anonymous wrote:Cs get degrees OP.

He might not get into grad school or med school, but that's fine.

Grad schools take plenty of C students plenty admissions officer grad school IVY