Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I’d tell him to have his lawyer contact you. I’d meet with his lawyer on my schedule on my terms, I wouldn’t miss work, activities with kids, time with my spouse. You can also ask to meet with the judge hearing the case, judges after all are just people, they “put their pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us” to use an old expression. If I was told “The judge won’t talk to you” I’d go to the judges boss, I may even go to the media with it, reporters are hungry for stories. It’d not get a lot of press, but a little might be all you need. Don’t let people or situations intimidate you, certainly when you have done nothing wrong. I guarantee someone on here will come on and say this “isn’t done” or ‘can’t be done” but it can, the courthouse is open to the public, judges work for the public, you’re part of the public, you can talk to anybody you need to talk to. The same goes for the lawyer, which he’d better pay for, you want me to appear in court, under oath, I will be talking to your lawyer. If he misbehaves, you always have the guy’s ex-wife and her legal people to talk to, don’t forget that. You are in a strong position here, op. I don’t understand why you can’t see that. You have been asked by a party in a dispute to be a witness, you have every right to ask whatever questions you need. Remind everybody you were never married to the dad or his wife, you didn’t break up the marriage, the only reason you are here is because your kid plays with his kid. Say this often.. if it’s true. Is it?
This is what you do if you really do want to help the guy. Remind him you are helping, not guaranteeing he’ll like the outcome. Remind him this is a big deal and this is new for you. If you don’t like how he treats you, literally take it to the judge, the police, his ex, anybody you need to tell.
Btw, are you married? You don’t mention a spouse, where is he and what is his opinion? I’d ask the dad why *you* are asked, not you and your spouse.

Lastly, if you truly think his ex is correct in what she says, why the f**ck do you let your kid play with his? At 5, this is easy “Mom, can I see Johnny” “no, we were going to go play, then I need to go to the store, Thanksgiving is coming up, what special food should we get”? Real easy at 5 to keep your distance from this dad socially if that’s what you wanted to do.
Remember too, the person you don’t like today may be fine once whatever stressor has passed, and may turn out to be a real good friend. Take care of yourself first, make sure your own family is safe emotionally and physically, but I’d not be stressing about this. Personally, I’m stuck on your “I want to help the guy out” like he’s your little brother wanting a slice of pizza Mom already said no to” and your “What if it’s true, he’s a big bad scary man after all”. Which is it op? Do you want to date the guy if the hearing turns out how you want it to go? Of course you don’t know “what really happened”, the lawyers and judges don’t either and we pay them for their time in court. You aren’t as unique as you think and the courtroom will be full of people who truly don’t know what did or didn’t happen in that marriage or with those kids.

What in the world salad…

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a witness, stick to facts, not opinions.
As in, when you were present, did the father arrive on time to drop off or pick up his child, did he feed his child at mealtimes, did he raise his voice, did you see him do X, Y, Z act on his child, did he insult his child with X, Y, Z words, did you see him drunk, use drugs or drive erratically, etc.

Very, very factual. No injection of opinion at all. The father will have to determine with his lawyer whether that's sufficient. You're not in a position to gush and say: "in all the years I've know Josh, he's been the best father that Larlo could ever ask for, blah blah blah...".

This. My DH was a witness in a friend's custody dispute. They're not going to ask you who you think is a better parent. Just your observations.

+1

Anonymous wrote: I’d tell him to have his lawyer contact you. I’d meet with his lawyer on my schedule on my terms, I wouldn’t miss work, activities with kids, time with my spouse. You can also ask to meet with the judge hearing the case, judges after all are just people, they “put their pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us” to use an old expression. If I was told “The judge won’t talk to you” I’d go to the judges boss, I may even go to the media with it, reporters are hungry for stories. It’d not get a lot of press, but a little might be all you need. Don’t let people or situations intimidate you, certainly when you have done nothing wrong. I guarantee someone on here will come on and say this “isn’t done” or ‘can’t be done” but it can, the courthouse is open to the public, judges work for the public, you’re part of the public, you can talk to anybody you need to talk to. The same goes for the lawyer, which he’d better pay for, you want me to appear in court, under oath, I will be talking to your lawyer. If he misbehaves, you always have the guy’s ex-wife and her legal people to talk to, don’t forget that. You are in a strong position here, op. I don’t understand why you can’t see that. You have been asked by a party in a dispute to be a witness, you have every right to ask whatever questions you need. Remind everybody you were never married to the dad or his wife, you didn’t break up the marriage, the only reason you are here is because your kid plays with his kid. Say this often.. if it’s true. Is it?
This is what you do if you really do want to help the guy. Remind him you are helping, not guaranteeing he’ll like the outcome. Remind him this is a big deal and this is new for you. If you don’t like how he treats you, literally take it to the judge, the police, his ex, anybody you need to tell.
Btw, are you married? You don’t mention a spouse, where is he and what is his opinion? I’d ask the dad why *you* are asked, not you and your spouse.

Lastly, if you truly think his ex is correct in what she says, why the f**ck do you let your kid play with his? At 5, this is easy “Mom, can I see Johnny” “no, we were going to go play, then I need to go to the store, Thanksgiving is coming up, what special food should we get”? Real easy at 5 to keep your distance from this dad socially if that’s what you wanted to do.
Remember too, the person you don’t like today may be fine once whatever stressor has passed, and may turn out to be a real good friend. Take care of yourself first, make sure your own family is safe emotionally and physically, but I’d not be stressing about this. Personally, I’m stuck on your “I want to help the guy out” like he’s your little brother wanting a slice of pizza Mom already said no to” and your “What if it’s true, he’s a big bad scary man after all”. Which is it op? Do you want to date the guy if the hearing turns out how you want it to go? Of course you don’t know “what really happened”, the lawyers and judges don’t either and we pay them for their time in court. You aren’t as unique as you think and the courtroom will be full of people who truly don’t know what did or didn’t happen in that marriage or with those kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should say ok unless you happen to ge super good friends with the mom and it would sever that friendship

Fwiw DD started at a new school in 4th and I met a new mom and heard some awful stuff about the dad. There was a protective order for a while etc. I formed an opinion ahead of time. Then I met the Dad and he’s great with his kid, super social with other parents, brings the kid to parties if it’s his weekend etc. I don’t k is the true story so I just do my best to get on with both of them.

Lady you never know what transpired in private. Many are good at masking. My ex could put on a father of the year show but he hit me and my kid repeatedly and screams insane abuse behind closed doors.

I’m the poster you responded too. I totally agree with you about putting on a fake face, but, if he was that abusive I doubt the child would want to be with him. You can see the love between the 2 of them when they’re together.

DP
That does not mean anything. My DH is seriously verbally and emotionally abusive, he has screamed at me in front of the kids and even tried to put a false assault charge on me. However since he is aware divorce is a possibility he has gone out of his way to bribe the kids with unending screen time, sweets, and gifts. I am the bad guy with the rules. They just adore him.

Again, be very careful what you assume. Unless you have experience with people with personality disorders you have no idea what you’re seeing in public.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks so much, everybody, for your amazingly helpful thoughts. Yes, I need to bow out. I agree I probably shouldn't have been asked and placed in this awkward position.

I also feel a bit gross because what if the playdates that he recently initiated were opportunistically motivated?

I don't know. I feel bad for parents going through these things. Geez, they can get ugly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should say ok unless you happen to ge super good friends with the mom and it would sever that friendship

Fwiw DD started at a new school in 4th and I met a new mom and heard some awful stuff about the dad. There was a protective order for a while etc. I formed an opinion ahead of time. Then I met the Dad and he’s great with his kid, super social with other parents, brings the kid to parties if it’s his weekend etc. I don’t k is the true story so I just do my best to get on with both of them.

Lady you never know what transpired in private. Many are good at masking. My ex could put on a father of the year show but he hit me and my kid repeatedly and screams insane abuse behind closed doors.

I’m the poster you responded too. I totally agree with you about putting on a fake face, but, if he was that abusive I doubt the child would want to be with him. You can see the love between the 2 of them when they’re together.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks so much, everybody, for your amazingly helpful thoughts. Yes, I need to bow out. I agree I probably shouldn't have been asked and placed in this awkward position.

I also feel a bit gross because what if the playdates that he recently initiated were opportunistically motivated?

I don't know. I feel bad for parents going through these things. Geez, they can get ugly.

Anonymous wrote:

I also feel a bit gross because what if the playdates that he recently initiated were opportunistically motivated?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should say ok unless you happen to ge super good friends with the mom and it would sever that friendship

Fwiw DD started at a new school in 4th and I met a new mom and heard some awful stuff about the dad. There was a protective order for a while etc. I formed an opinion ahead of time. Then I met the Dad and he’s great with his kid, super social with other parents, brings the kid to parties if it’s his weekend etc. I don’t k is the true story so I just do my best to get on with both of them.

Lady you never know what transpired in private. Many are good at masking. My ex could put on a father of the year show but he hit me and my kid repeatedly and screams insane abuse behind closed doors.

I’m the poster you responded too. I totally agree with you about putting on a fake face, but, if he was that abusive I doubt the child would want to be with him. You can see the love between the 2 of them when they’re together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should say ok unless you happen to ge super good friends with the mom and it would sever that friendship

Fwiw DD started at a new school in 4th and I met a new mom and heard some awful stuff about the dad. There was a protective order for a while etc. I formed an opinion ahead of time. Then I met the Dad and he’s great with his kid, super social with other parents, brings the kid to parties if it’s his weekend etc. I don’t k is the true story so I just do my best to get on with both of them.

Lady you never know what transpired in private. Many are good at masking. My ex could put on a father of the year show but he hit me and my kid repeatedly and screams insane abuse behind closed doors.