It did for me. I have a brother who I truly hate after going through our parents’ deaths. Now that we have sold their house I will never speak to him again. My other sibs feel the same way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but in our case, the rift is over inheritance, not care. No one wanted to take care of him, but his one daughter wouldn’t visit him or speak to her sister who was caring for him at her home until he died because he told her that sister would inherit his estate.

I'm confused. What happened?

Sounds like one sibling was doing all the care already, and then when the dad really started heading toward the end, told the other sibling that the first sibling was getting the inheritance. So this sibling said, Have at it, and didn't help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m trying to understand how common this is.

The disconnects come (like anything else) when everyone has a different set of priorities. My best friend is dealing with sibling who does not work, has a history of finding problems where there is none, has time to obsess over every little thing, does not know how to communicate their concerns along the way, and then lashes out to the siblings when their anxiety hits the roof. Friend and other sibling just go with the flow because they have a lot more going on are used to approaching things in a more pragmatic way.

This is a very good point. Even if everyone is involved in helping, not everyone deals with problems the same way. One sibling might be inclined to freak out all the time. Another might want to plan everything out in anticipation of any possible problem that could arise, and another might want to just deal with issues as they arise. Communication without blame or disparagement of the others is key. Someone has to serve as the mediator. And people have to compromise.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but in our case, the rift is over inheritance, not care. No one wanted to take care of him, but his one daughter wouldn’t visit him or speak to her sister who was caring for him at her home until he died because he told her that sister would inherit his estate.

I'm confused. What happened?

Yes, but in our case, the rift is over inheritance, not care. No one wanted to take care of him, but his one daughter wouldn’t visit him or speak to her sister who was caring for him at her home until he died because he told her that sister would inherit his estate.

With my DH and his sister, yes..inlaws had no money, so that wasn't a concern. But sister is significantly younger and the parents never leaned on her for support....but when DH asked for help when it got overwhelming, she didn't involve herself (logistics, doc appts, etc) and it went on for 10 years (stroke). So yeah, they don't talk much now.

I think gaslighting can play a big part too. When you live closer and see them more often, you see the deterioration more clearly. After enough years of playing nice, helping the sibling to udnerstand what you see, dealing with horrid behavior, getting "orders" from the backseat driver sibling and having them tell you, you are crazy until they FINALLY see the issues....can make you pretty resentful. It's easier to get over the resentment perhaps if it's a few years of this. The reality for many of us, is our parents can live a very long time declining into an angry, paranoid, entitled loon. Somehow in my family, even as the deteriorate cognitively the ability to throw verbal grenades is quite sharp and every manipulative tactic they ever tried in your childhood reappears.

Anonymous wrote:I’m trying to understand how common this is.

The disconnects come (like anything else) when everyone has a different set of priorities. My best friend is dealing with sibling who does not work, has a history of finding problems where there is none, has time to obsess over every little thing, does not know how to communicate their concerns along the way, and then lashes out to the siblings when their anxiety hits the roof. Friend and other sibling just go with the flow because they have a lot more going on are used to approaching things in a more pragmatic way.

My parents are in their late eighties. They have always been overbearing and self involved. They play favorites and have given my brother and his wife significant “help” over the years financially. My mom has the kind of dementia where she has lost her filter and says mean things, mostly to and about me. They live in squalor and refuse help. They have an elderly incontinent dog that they don’t clean up after. My mother lied a lot even befor the dementia so it’s impossible to know what their actual medical, financial etc situation is.
I am sure to outsiders I look uncaring but there are limits to how much abuse one can accept.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some siblings feel their time, feelings, energy, work, friends, etc., are more important than those of their siblings. It seems ‘right,’ to them that they wouldn’t be impacted by eldercare and that siblings bear the responsibility. It’s a sad zero-sum game dynamic in some families. Very damaging to relationships in the long run.

Or some siblings are over eager, hypochondriac-drama queens and their siblings see right through it.

???

Parents need to stop burdening their children! We have our own lives to live. Plan and save for your deaths! Its not that hard. Geesh. But your grave plots tomorrow please!

Anonymous wrote:Some siblings feel their time, feelings, energy, work, friends, etc., are more important than those of their siblings. It seems ‘right,’ to them that they wouldn’t be impacted by eldercare and that siblings bear the responsibility. It’s a sad zero-sum game dynamic in some families. Very damaging to relationships in the long run.

Or some siblings are over eager, hypochondriac-drama queens and their siblings see right through it.

I'm grateful for this discussion, since I'm going through this with my three siblings.
I like the idea of having discrete jobs that each sibling could take care of--eases resentment. But I'm not sure what my job is/should be. The discussions with two of my siblings have been so ugly that I've already decided that I don't want to have much or any contact with them not just after Mom and Dad die, but even now.

I'm the child who lives locally. Mom and Dad, both in their 90s, are fairly independent, living in their own house, and I visit on weekends. I occasionally go with them to doctor's appointments, at my sister's insistence. Dad has long COVID and so there's a nurse to help with toileting, but my parents dislike having someone in the house, and they've already dismissed the nurses on weekends (so Mom is the unpaid nurse on weekends, which she does not enjoy, but if they don't want a nurse, what's the alternative?)

My more distant siblings --they're all in California--want mom and dad in assisted living, both for my parents' safety and because the siblings want to sell the huge house we grew up in. It will be a nightmare to go through the house and will take months. We've tried to do one room and Mom and Dad don't want to part with anything. They are candidates for Hoarders. It's their house and their things and I think they regard going through their mess/clutter as a step towards dying. Mom says, "You will hate me, but I don't want to part with any of it." We laugh. There is nothing of value except the family photo albums which mysteriously went missing after my sister visited.

I just don't see eye-to-eye with my siblings about anything. They think I'm detached--I go shopping for mom and dad and do anything else they ask, but with a full-time job and a teenager I don't look for things to do. On Thanksgiving I was going to visit friends, which I do every year, but siblings say this might be the last Thanksgiving with my parents, so I should spend it with them. I don't want to...Siblings might come, might not. Mom and Dad could live another five years, easily. Their parents lived to over 100. Maybe I'm the one that everyone resents for "not doing anything," but I don't understand what I'm expected to do.

Another issue for us was mom, who had abusive tendencies, but many decent qualities, became extremely verbally and emotionally abusive toward me. Sibling knew and basically fed the abuse to benefit from being the favorite and getting financial rewards. Also, just as sibling went from appreciative to minimizing how much i had done the same happened with the abuse-knew mom well enough to know it was real, but once the benefits came started to make it into "no big deal" and I was over-reacting. I had to fight to get an outside professional involved to step back. I had to fight to get mom to talk meds to stabilize the mood swings. When a middle age grown up doesn't care about abuse that is not someone I need in my life. Luckily I have a supportive husband and good friends. I would mention my kids, but unlike in my family, I do not drag children into adult issues so we stopped visiting so they would no longer witness abuse, but I don't look to them for emotional support. I have boundaries-something that is a foreign concept in my family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and it all comes up around the holidays. Really, really hard, We just don't like being around siblings now because of how they avoided contributing to the care of parents. It's really hard & hurtful. Especially since I think that if we all had to go back and do it again, they'd do the same thing. And it seems like not dealing with elderly parents was more important than maintaining good relationships with me/us. I just wish they'd say thank you. I wish they'd acknowledge just what their lack of involvement did to my wife and I during our long run of taking care of parents.

Where do you all live and in relation to your parents? Why do you think your siblings checked out of the process?

I think someone put it really well a few response above. The siblings and their spouses simply felt that their lives and time shouldn't be imposed upon. The avoidance was deliberate, despite us communicating the need and desire for help. Most of the siblings live locally.

That's unfortunate. I get not wanting to do it as caregiving can be so draining yet still it has to be done. I was not able to be there as often as my brother (local) and sister (lived an 1+ hour away), so I tried to stay for longer stints when I did (I had so much banked vaca, a great spouse, and a nanny able to handle kid logistics so I had no excuses) and paid for whatever was needed (we also have much more money than my siblings so I wasn't about to insist on dividing up these smaller expenses equally). I even lent one of my siblings money at an earlier point when we had less money, then forgave it, explaining that they were taking on more with our parents due to their proximity so it was the least I could do.

In retrospect, I realize I should have even been more mindful and have tried to share insights with DH when it makes sense as he and sibling are now on this journey.

PP, I'm so sorry you and your DH were alone for so much of it.