OP, I’m a trailing spouse who also doesn’t love where we landed, so nothing but commiseration from me. We were supposed to be here 3-5 years max, and here we are 10 years later and have all the ties that now keep people in a place.

I really think a lot of posters are missing the fact that you are lacking in family and friend support. So many people wear their family dysfunction and ability to do it all themselves like some kind of badge or honour, but not everyone wants to live that way and feeling isolated is very painful. I felt like I was a ghost in our new city for years. I WFH as my industry didn’t exist up here when we came up, and that isolated me from meeting people and just getting out. DH on the other hand had a great new job, coworkers, etc. and just couldn’t understand what I was so upset about.

This will sound trite as hell, but the more I fought staying the more I hated it, and the more I hated it here, the more I hated it here. Once I stopped fighting it so much, I learned to lean into it a bit more and while it’s still not where I would be, I don’t hate it as much any more.

Id probably talk to your therapist about working through the feelings about living where you don’t want. Congratulations for getting on antidepressants - I found that time so hard that I turned to drinking, which was one of the lowest choices I’ve ever made.

I have had exactly this same conversation with my husband many times. I would like to work full time, but he is a surgeon, and his work schedule is unpredictable and in person. Without any family support it’s impossible. I’ve had to kind of cobble together jobs here and there.

I also really need help raising my kids. They are sensitive and bright and could really use more people in their lives to love on them.

And I miss having people in my life that I could have over to my house even if it was a mess and the kids were misbehaving.

And as annoying as it was, I kind of miss the criticism. It just seems like no one cares much what I do. It doesn’t matter if I show up to an event or not, what I wear or if I lose weight or get my house redone or get a promotion or award at work or get fired from my job.

I feel like I am a spider web, and I used to have all of these places and people that I kind of hooked onto to make the web. Without them, I’m just a wad of sticky goo.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your husband isn't interested in living close to your family?

+100

If you read the OP carefully, there’s a strong implication that her only solution to her unhappiness is to move closer to her family. So that’s a very different kettle of fish than “my husband doesn’t want to move” and “I hate it here.”

How many husbands are there who won’t see this as “I will be miserable anywhere in the world except close to my hometown” and “living close to my family but much farther away from your family” is what is being demanded.

When people can only see themselves as finding happiness by moving to their hometown, that means their unhappiness is not caused by where they live, but by their inability to embrace the positives of their current location.

I bet those of us on DCUM (wherever we live now) who grew up in the DMV (admittedly a skewed sample) tend to view the DMV as a great place to have grown up in.

Anonymous wrote:If you're on anti-depressants and you are that miserable...

... you won't be very happy elsewhere, OP.

Moving is not a magic pill. You're trying to run away from yourself. Fix what's wrong instead, and if you want, you can also move. But treat the two separately, because they are separate. I think your husband understands this about you, hence his moving the goalposts - which, BTW, isn't cool either. But he probably can't articulate what's wrong with your scenario because he's too close to the situation.

I am in a similar situation to OP and one problem is that the DMV has gotten so expensive that fixing other things is harder here than it would be in a place that was more affordable. The COL in this area, combined with not really liking it generally, is what winds up making you feel trapped.

Our current home is expensive, but at least locked in at a lower rate. But housing in the area is so much more expensive now even than when we bought that we can't just move neighborhoods or houses and improve our situation that way.

Renovations are expensive everywhere now but even more so in the DMV which limits our ability to improve our existing home to make it work better for us.

Many, many healthcare (including mental healthcare) specialists in this area simply do not take insurance, which can challenge our ability to address health factors that may be impacting overall happiness. It took me 2 years of looking to find a therapist who is in network, for instance. Two years!

Going out is expensive, hiring a babysitter is expensive, so spending more time on our relationship can be hard, or just getting a break from our kids. Plus so much of our income is caught up in housing that stuff like date night feels like a luxury we can't really afford.

ALL of that would be easier if we could move to a lower COL city. There are cities where we have family and friends, but housing costs 50-60% of what it does here. We could buy a larger home in a better school boundary and still have more money leftover to plug into savings (financial security can be hugely beneficial to well being), taking care of our health, and investing in our relationship.

I think the cost of living in DC is probably the #1 reason you see so many people like me, OP, and others on this thread who want to leave. And I'm betting there are a lot of people who, like me, moved here when it was considered an affordable alternative to other major cities, and have watched cost of living multiply rapidly in that time, and the math just doesn't work anymore given our jobs and incomes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of you said where exactly you live…

OP - I live in the dc area.

This board is DC based. If someone says HERE, they mean DC area.

They could be in Waldorf. Far cry from DC.

If the're in Waldorf, I can't blame them for being miserable. We spent a miserable 6 years there and bailed last summer. Best decision we've ever made. But a lot of our neighbors were really happy.

It sounds like OP has more than just moving envy going on. I think some therapy might help.

Please tell us what town/state you would be returning to if you moved out of the DMV. Then we can determine if it makes sense.

Wherever you go, there you are.

Until you can relocate work on finding happiness here. It can’t all be location based. Go see your family if you’re homesick. Fill the cup. Find ways to connect from afar AND how to ground yourself here. Fixating on what you don’t have will make everything worse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of you said where exactly you live…

OP - I live in the dc area.

This board is DC based. If someone says HERE, they mean DC area.

They could be in Waldorf. Far cry from DC.

OP here - we live in Alexandria. Our neighborhood is lovely and we’re near a lot of things. I’m not the poster in a cramped apartment and thankfully my car has never been broken into.

Somebody else asked if I work - I work full-time but could work anywhere.

My husband doesn’t want to move because he likes it here, he is concerned about job security (but then will say in the same breath that his industry is staying remote, I don’t get it), and because if we move we will be a few hours further from his family... We see his family 2-3 times per year now and 99% of the time, it’s because we go to them since they don’t come to visit us because they hate this area, too.

This is a very real factor no one has mentioned. Both my family and my DH's family dislike the DMV and don't like visiting. My family sucks it up a bit more now that we have kids and will still visit, but the visits are hard because they dislike it so much plus it's expensive on top of that. We can't afford a place with a spare room so they have to stay in hotels. DH's family won't even visit at all so we have to travel to them.

I think when everyone was younger, they were more willing to do things that they didn't 100% love and this was less of a factor. But it has become more of an issue as our parents are aging, which is also when we feel the need to be closer to them as a precaution.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If you're on anti-depressants and you are that miserable...

... you won't be very happy elsewhere, OP.

Moving is not a magic pill. You're trying to run away from yourself. Fix what's wrong instead, and if you want, you can also move. But treat the two separately, because they are separate. I think your husband understands this about you, hence his moving the goalposts - which, BTW, isn't cool either. But he probably can't articulate what's wrong with your scenario because he's too close to the situation.

DP here and this is not true. The weather, the natural surroundings, the people (such as family), the available activities can make a big difference. It is possible that she would be unhappy anywhere, but there are a lot of people that don't like DC for a reason.

For me, I find it logistically difficult. Our families live out of state, so we miss out on most of their get-togethers and celebrations, and if we want to visit we have to fly our whole family cross-country. We can't just make a last-minute weekend visit. As our parents age I really don't know what we'll do.
Also, my DH is stressed out and grumpy from his job and commute, and somehow he can't see what it's doing to him. I know we might not find a better situation somewhere else but it sounds like people are happier when they move to lower-cost, lower-stress areas.

OP - Thank you. This sums up my situation to a T. I have always been close to my family and living away from them means that I miss out on the little things that fill up my cup.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of you said where exactly you live…

OP - I live in the dc area.

This board is DC based. If someone says HERE, they mean DC area.

They could be in Waldorf. Far cry from DC.

OP here - we live in Alexandria. Our neighborhood is lovely and we’re near a lot of things. I’m not the poster in a cramped apartment and thankfully my car has never been broken into.

Somebody else asked if I work - I work full-time but could work anywhere.

My husband doesn’t want to move because he likes it here, he is concerned about job security (but then will say in the same breath that his industry is staying remote, I don’t get it), and because if we move we will be a few hours further from his family... We see his family 2-3 times per year now and 99% of the time, it’s because we go to them since they don’t come to visit us because they hate this area, too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of you said where exactly you live…

OP - I live in the dc area.

What’s your zip code?

PP doesn’t have to out their zip.

Yes, PP. Been there. We prefer where we are living now, but we moved locally about two years ago to a location that we scouted before we moved. We made a list of specific things that we were looking for that is also realistic and would help us be happier. We had to compromise on some things to get enough of what we both wanted, but it has helped.

Maybe your husband isn't interested in living close to your family?

Anonymous wrote:

If you're on anti-depressants and you are that miserable...

... you won't be very happy elsewhere, OP.

Moving is not a magic pill. You're trying to run away from yourself. Fix what's wrong instead, and if you want, you can also move. But treat the two separately, because they are separate. I think your husband understands this about you, hence his moving the goalposts - which, BTW, isn't cool either. But he probably can't articulate what's wrong with your scenario because he's too close to the situation.

DP here and this is not true. The weather, the natural surroundings, the people (such as family), the available activities can make a big difference. It is possible that she would be unhappy anywhere, but there are a lot of people that don't like DC for a reason.

For me, I find it logistically difficult. Our families live out of state, so we miss out on most of their get-togethers and celebrations, and if we want to visit we have to fly our whole family cross-country. We can't just make a last-minute weekend visit. As our parents age I really don't know what we'll do.
Also, my DH is stressed out and grumpy from his job and commute, and somehow he can't see what it's doing to him. I know we might not find a better situation somewhere else but it sounds like people are happier when they move to lower-cost, lower-stress areas.

Anonymous wrote:We both hate where we live but due to the housing market we feel very very trapped. We have a one bedroom apartment in the city of Alexandria it's terrible. I hate my life, my cars been broken into 3 times, the doors on our complex used to lock but have been unlocked and open for 9 months now. Sewer bill and water bill for one month was over $140. The neighbors we share walls with are rude jerks so I have to listen to music and video games 24/7, smell weed smoke, hear people yelling all the time, it's really unbelievable we find ourselves in this situation. Mind blowing really. We are trapped.

Look into condo by owner rentals a little further out. My husband and I were in that situation when we first moved here and that was in 2010 when people were a little better behaved/before Covid made everyone nuts. We lasted a year. Then moved to Fairfax County Alexandria, near Kingstowne. With a condo there’s no common doors open and our neighbors were all quiet, apart from some people who briefly lived below us whose dogs would bark on the balcony all day. But they were at least inside and quiet at night.

Or rent a basement apartment in some family’s big McMansion. I see lots of those on FB Marketplace. I promise you there are better options and probably about the same price. Unless you’re in subsidized housing or getting a particularly good deal or something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If you're on anti-depressants and you are that miserable...

... you won't be very happy elsewhere, OP.

Moving is not a magic pill. You're trying to run away from yourself. Fix what's wrong instead, and if you want, you can also move. But treat the two separately, because they are separate. I think your husband understands this about you, hence his moving the goalposts - which, BTW, isn't cool either. But he probably can't articulate what's wrong with your scenario because he's too close to the situation.

This is garbage. I lived in DC for 15 years. Hated it. Never felt like home. Felt like a place we were just on a treadmill to pass the time until we die. Terrible. Lucky for me, DH felt similarly (though interestingly, came from an entirely different part of the planet from me). We agreed to come up with a 5 year plan to leave. And we stuck to it. We moved to the first place we had the opportunity for, even though it was totally random and not where we might have picked. One week into our new city, and we both agreed we would never leave if we didn't have to. 16 years later, and we are still in the same state of that first place we moved (although several hours away) and are very, very, very happy.

Geographic places can absolutely be horrid and impact your mental health, and picking a nicer place can absolutely make you happier. This isn't just that some people are Debbie downers and are going to be miserable everywhere. Some places (DC) just objectively suck.

And you are so happy now that you feel drawn to a DC centered website to talk about how much DC sucks? Wow. Doesn’t sound like you have much of a new life.