Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the responses.

I left out context intentionally because it is more helpful for me to hear how your marriages work than for you to comment on how dysfunctional mine is. I know it is dysfunctional, but am trying to understand just how bad it is. I think my spouse would describe me as very controlling. I think my spouse pushes boundaries and has tastes/desires that exceed our means.

Trip example - I used to support these but they always end up with behavior I find unacceptable, including spending way beyond agreed upon budget, staying out of contact, not being available for planned video calls with the kids, etc. Theres’s not an AP, some trips are with their parent, it’s more like a last minute decision for a bells and whistles spa day with no cell access, or a gambling/drinking binge that starts after lunch and goes until morning. I do not take similar trips. Recently, I pushed back unsuccessfully against another trip.

Purchase example - spouse decided they wanted to change an expensive habit by purchasing an appliance that costs $$$. Along the lines of, instead of their daily Starbucks, let’s purchase a professional grade multifunctional coffeemaker that we can use to make whatever we want at home that is out of our budget (as is the daily Starbucks if we want to meet other goals), and thereby “save” money over the course of a year. I do not have a similar Starbucks habit or use for the machine. I thought the purchase desire was unreasonable, spouse thought my resistance was unreasonable. We did eventually compromise on that purchase.

Most recent purchase example is a specialized tool for a specialized hobby that spouse hopes to get back into doing sometime soon, but in the meantime the tool will sit on the shelf. I don’t have a comparable hobby. I said “I really do not want you to make that purchase” and requested waiting until they have resumed the hobby and have a need for the tool. That request was dismissed and the tool was purchased.

We are in counseling, but haven’t raised this in session. Even if we had, the perspectives of marriages that work is different from a paid professional sometimes.

I’m married to a very controlling man and I have made bad decisions over the course of our marriage as a way of, I guess, rebelling against him. He doesn’t want me to buy that thing? I’ll just go ahead and buy it and not tell him. Or I’ll tell him I’m going to the grocery store and just sit in my car with my phone on do not disturb, watching Netflix. It’s an unhealthy way of taking back power when you feel like you don’t have any.

Yes this is totally a thing, and I bet it's what the OP's husband is doing.

This is OP and he does think I’m controlling. I disagree.

I said I really didn’t want him to get yet another tool for an expensive specialized space consuming hobby that he hasn’t touched in well over a year and has only vague plans of resuming. Say he likes to tinker with cars, and we don’t have a garage, so there’s now a car and parts for another car that he spent thousands of dollars that was earmarked for other things under tarps in our back yard.

In contrast, he has about 3 times the number of shoes as I do, which I think is really silly, but I’ve never provided any kind of input on him purchasing, nor have I wanted to.


I said yes to all the trips, and he was completely out of touch and outspent the agreed upon budget significantly every time. I had kids waiting to FaceTime with him repeatedly and he just didn’t show at the times he scheduled for the calls, then hours of me explaining I didn’t know why he couldn’t talk to them. So the last time he mentioned a trip I said I really don’t want him to do it. He’s going.

We are not paycheck to paycheck but we do have debt and our savings is not where it should be. We have set goals and a path to reach them that we’re not keeping to. I don’t have equivalent expenditures.

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a whole lot of people in here trying to act like the “cool wife” when they would lose their overloving minds if their husbands were going on trips to drink/gamble and then being completely out of touch. If this post had been written differently, everyone would come in here screaming that this dude was cheating on her.

I mean, maybe this lady is a control freak, but I think there is a good chance she has been so gaslit my hubby that she is styling this all as a control issue when her husband is doing things that are outrageously inappropriate.

Anonymous wrote:WHAT would you tell your spouse they couldn't do? I can't imagine imposing limits on another person. Other than my kids, of course, but they are going to be exempt from that soon.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the responses.

I left out context intentionally because it is more helpful for me to hear how your marriages work than for you to comment on how dysfunctional mine is. I know it is dysfunctional, but am trying to understand just how bad it is. I think my spouse would describe me as very controlling. I think my spouse pushes boundaries and has tastes/desires that exceed our means.

Trip example - I used to support these but they always end up with behavior I find unacceptable, including spending way beyond agreed upon budget, staying out of contact, not being available for planned video calls with the kids, etc. Theres’s not an AP, some trips are with their parent, it’s more like a last minute decision for a bells and whistles spa day with no cell access, or a gambling/drinking binge that starts after lunch and goes until morning. I do not take similar trips. Recently, I pushed back unsuccessfully against another trip.

Purchase example - spouse decided they wanted to change an expensive habit by purchasing an appliance that costs $$$. Along the lines of, instead of their daily Starbucks, let’s purchase a professional grade multifunctional coffeemaker that we can use to make whatever we want at home that is out of our budget (as is the daily Starbucks if we want to meet other goals), and thereby “save” money over the course of a year. I do not have a similar Starbucks habit or use for the machine. I thought the purchase desire was unreasonable, spouse thought my resistance was unreasonable. We did eventually compromise on that purchase.

Most recent purchase example is a specialized tool for a specialized hobby that spouse hopes to get back into doing sometime soon, but in the meantime the tool will sit on the shelf. I don’t have a comparable hobby. I said “I really do not want you to make that purchase” and requested waiting until they have resumed the hobby and have a need for the tool. That request was dismissed and the tool was purchased.

We are in counseling, but haven’t raised this in session. Even if we had, the perspectives of marriages that work is different from a paid professional sometimes.

I think you're the problem not the spouse - from reading your further explanation here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the responses.

I left out context intentionally because it is more helpful for me to hear how your marriages work than for you to comment on how dysfunctional mine is. I know it is dysfunctional, but am trying to understand just how bad it is. I think my spouse would describe me as very controlling. I think my spouse pushes boundaries and has tastes/desires that exceed our means.

Trip example - I used to support these but they always end up with behavior I find unacceptable, including spending way beyond agreed upon budget, staying out of contact, not being available for planned video calls with the kids, etc. Theres’s not an AP, some trips are with their parent, it’s more like a last minute decision for a bells and whistles spa day with no cell access, or a gambling/drinking binge that starts after lunch and goes until morning. I do not take similar trips. Recently, I pushed back unsuccessfully against another trip.

Purchase example - spouse decided they wanted to change an expensive habit by purchasing an appliance that costs $$$. Along the lines of, instead of their daily Starbucks, let’s purchase a professional grade multifunctional coffeemaker that we can use to make whatever we want at home that is out of our budget (as is the daily Starbucks if we want to meet other goals), and thereby “save” money over the course of a year. I do not have a similar Starbucks habit or use for the machine. I thought the purchase desire was unreasonable, spouse thought my resistance was unreasonable. We did eventually compromise on that purchase.

Most recent purchase example is a specialized tool for a specialized hobby that spouse hopes to get back into doing sometime soon, but in the meantime the tool will sit on the shelf. I don’t have a comparable hobby. I said “I really do not want you to make that purchase” and requested waiting until they have resumed the hobby and have a need for the tool. That request was dismissed and the tool was purchased.

We are in counseling, but haven’t raised this in session. Even if we had, the perspectives of marriages that work is different from a paid professional sometimes.

I’m married to a very controlling man and I have made bad decisions over the course of our marriage as a way of, I guess, rebelling against him. He doesn’t want me to buy that thing? I’ll just go ahead and buy it and not tell him. Or I’ll tell him I’m going to the grocery store and just sit in my car with my phone on do not disturb, watching Netflix. It’s an unhealthy way of taking back power when you feel like you don’t have any.

Yes this is totally a thing, and I bet it's what the OP's husband is doing.

This is OP and he does think I’m controlling. I disagree.

I said I really didn’t want him to get yet another tool for an expensive specialized space consuming hobby that he hasn’t touched in well over a year and has only vague plans of resuming. Say he likes to tinker with cars, and we don’t have a garage, so there’s now a car and parts for another car that he spent thousands of dollars that was earmarked for other things under tarps in our back yard.

In contrast, he has about 3 times the number of shoes as I do, which I think is really silly, but I’ve never provided any kind of input on him purchasing, nor have I wanted to.


I said yes to all the trips, and he was completely out of touch and outspent the agreed upon budget significantly every time.
I had kids waiting to FaceTime with him repeatedly and he just didn’t show at the times he scheduled for the calls, then hours of me explaining I didn’t know why he couldn’t talk to them.
So the last time he mentioned a trip I said I really don’t want him to do it. He’s going.

We are not paycheck to paycheck but we do have debt and our savings is not where it should be. We have set goals and a path to reach them that we’re not keeping to. I don’t have equivalent expenditures.

Ok, I was with you until the bolded part... HOURS??
You needed to spend HOURS explaining to your kids why their father wasn't on Facetime?
You couldn't have just said he was taking a nap or he must've went out?
They were THAT disappointed that you needed to spend HOURS explaining it to them?
Come on, lol.

This sounds like such a major exaggeration, which makes me think that you actually are controlling and you know it, which is why you feel the need to exaggerate his offenses, just to get us on your side.

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the responses.

I left out context intentionally because it is more helpful for me to hear how your marriages work than for you to comment on how dysfunctional mine is. I know it is dysfunctional, but am trying to understand just how bad it is. I think my spouse would describe me as very controlling. I think my spouse pushes boundaries and has tastes/desires that exceed our means.

Trip example - I used to support these but they always end up with behavior I find unacceptable, including spending way beyond agreed upon budget, staying out of contact, not being available for planned video calls with the kids, etc. Theres’s not an AP, some trips are with their parent, it’s more like a last minute decision for a bells and whistles spa day with no cell access, or a gambling/drinking binge that starts after lunch and goes until morning. I do not take similar trips. Recently, I pushed back unsuccessfully against another trip.

Purchase example - spouse decided they wanted to change an expensive habit by purchasing an appliance that costs $$$. Along the lines of, instead of their daily Starbucks, let’s purchase a professional grade multifunctional coffeemaker that we can use to make whatever we want at home that is out of our budget (as is the daily Starbucks if we want to meet other goals), and thereby “save” money over the course of a year. I do not have a similar Starbucks habit or use for the machine. I thought the purchase desire was unreasonable, spouse thought my resistance was unreasonable. We did eventually compromise on that purchase.

Most recent purchase example is a specialized tool for a specialized hobby that spouse hopes to get back into doing sometime soon, but in the meantime the tool will sit on the shelf. I don’t have a comparable hobby. I said “I really do not want you to make that purchase” and requested waiting until they have resumed the hobby and have a need for the tool. That request was dismissed and the tool was purchased.

We are in counseling, but haven’t raised this in session. Even if we had, the perspectives of marriages that work is different from a paid professional sometimes.

Anonymous wrote:Examples along the lines of - taking a long weekend trip with friends, or purchasing a moderately pricey tool or appliance that will impact shared space in addition to budget, possibly more than budget.

If your spouse says they really don’t want you to take the trip or buy the thing, what do you do?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the responses.

I left out context intentionally because it is more helpful for me to hear how your marriages work than for you to comment on how dysfunctional mine is. I know it is dysfunctional, but am trying to understand just how bad it is. I think my spouse would describe me as very controlling. I think my spouse pushes boundaries and has tastes/desires that exceed our means.

Trip example - I used to support these but they always end up with behavior I find unacceptable, including spending way beyond agreed upon budget, staying out of contact, not being available for planned video calls with the kids, etc. Theres’s not an AP, some trips are with their parent, it’s more like a last minute decision for a bells and whistles spa day with no cell access, or a gambling/drinking binge that starts after lunch and goes until morning. I do not take similar trips. Recently, I pushed back unsuccessfully against another trip.

Purchase example - spouse decided they wanted to change an expensive habit by purchasing an appliance that costs $$$. Along the lines of, instead of their daily Starbucks, let’s purchase a professional grade multifunctional coffeemaker that we can use to make whatever we want at home that is out of our budget (as is the daily Starbucks if we want to meet other goals), and thereby “save” money over the course of a year. I do not have a similar Starbucks habit or use for the machine. I thought the purchase desire was unreasonable, spouse thought my resistance was unreasonable. We did eventually compromise on that purchase.

Most recent purchase example is a specialized tool for a specialized hobby that spouse hopes to get back into doing sometime soon, but in the meantime the tool will sit on the shelf. I don’t have a comparable hobby. I said “I really do not want you to make that purchase” and requested waiting until they have resumed the hobby and have a need for the tool. That request was dismissed and the tool was purchased.

We are in counseling, but haven’t raised this in session. Even if we had, the perspectives of marriages that work is different from a paid professional sometimes.

I’m married to a very controlling man and I have made bad decisions over the course of our marriage as a way of, I guess, rebelling against him. He doesn’t want me to buy that thing? I’ll just go ahead and buy it and not tell him. Or I’ll tell him I’m going to the grocery store and just sit in my car with my phone on do not disturb, watching Netflix. It’s an unhealthy way of taking back power when you feel like you don’t have any.

Yes this is totally a thing, and I bet it's what the OP's husband is doing.

This is OP and he does think I’m controlling. I disagree.

I said I really didn’t want him to get yet another tool for an expensive specialized space consuming hobby that he hasn’t touched in well over a year and has only vague plans of resuming. Say he likes to tinker with cars, and we don’t have a garage, so there’s now a car and parts for another car that he spent thousands of dollars that was earmarked for other things under tarps in our back yard.

In contrast, he has about 3 times the number of shoes as I do, which I think is really silly, but I’ve never provided any kind of input on him purchasing, nor have I wanted to.


I said yes to all the trips, and he was completely out of touch and outspent the agreed upon budget significantly every time.
I had kids waiting to FaceTime with him repeatedly and he just didn’t show at the times he scheduled for the calls, then hours of me explaining I didn’t know why he couldn’t talk to them.
So the last time he mentioned a trip I said I really don’t want him to do it. He’s going.

We are not paycheck to paycheck but we do have debt and our savings is not where it should be. We have set goals and a path to reach them that we’re not keeping to. I don’t have equivalent expenditures.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the responses.

I left out context intentionally because it is more helpful for me to hear how your marriages work than for you to comment on how dysfunctional mine is. I know it is dysfunctional, but am trying to understand just how bad it is. I think my spouse would describe me as very controlling. I think my spouse pushes boundaries and has tastes/desires that exceed our means.

Trip example - I used to support these but they always end up with behavior I find unacceptable, including spending way beyond agreed upon budget, staying out of contact, not being available for planned video calls with the kids, etc. Theres’s not an AP, some trips are with their parent, it’s more like a last minute decision for a bells and whistles spa day with no cell access, or a gambling/drinking binge that starts after lunch and goes until morning. I do not take similar trips. Recently, I pushed back unsuccessfully against another trip.

Purchase example - spouse decided they wanted to change an expensive habit by purchasing an appliance that costs $$$. Along the lines of, instead of their daily Starbucks, let’s purchase a professional grade multifunctional coffeemaker that we can use to make whatever we want at home that is out of our budget (as is the daily Starbucks if we want to meet other goals), and thereby “save” money over the course of a year. I do not have a similar Starbucks habit or use for the machine. I thought the purchase desire was unreasonable, spouse thought my resistance was unreasonable. We did eventually compromise on that purchase.

Most recent purchase example is a specialized tool for a specialized hobby that spouse hopes to get back into doing sometime soon, but in the meantime the tool will sit on the shelf. I don’t have a comparable hobby. I said “I really do not want you to make that purchase” and requested waiting until they have resumed the hobby and have a need for the tool. That request was dismissed and the tool was purchased.

We are in counseling, but haven’t raised this in session. Even if we had, the perspectives of marriages that work is different from a paid professional sometimes.

I’m married to a very controlling man and I have made bad decisions over the course of our marriage as a way of, I guess, rebelling against him. He doesn’t want me to buy that thing? I’ll just go ahead and buy it and not tell him. Or I’ll tell him I’m going to the grocery store and just sit in my car with my phone on do not disturb, watching Netflix. It’s an unhealthy way of taking back power when you feel like you don’t have any.

Anonymous wrote:Not a thing to buy, but a show to watch.
For the first time in our 15 years, I made a request for DH to not watch a show.

It was anime. Because of my younger brother and a dislike (extreme irritation) for the genre, and I’m overhearing it. We’re usually not controlling in that way. I tried to ignore and not care, but as each episode continued, I was bristling more and more.

I asked him to stop.He was very surprised, and pushed back saying he likes the genre and always has. I pointed out in 15 years, he’s never watched it. And this is one ask I have - that I just can’t stand it.

He listened. I felt like one really direct issue in 15 years was justified.

I still felt like a jerk, but it was irritating my peace in our own home. And other than that I don’t make demands or say he can’t do stuff.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the responses.

I left out context intentionally because it is more helpful for me to hear how your marriages work than for you to comment on how dysfunctional mine is. I know it is dysfunctional, but am trying to understand just how bad it is. I think my spouse would describe me as very controlling. I think my spouse pushes boundaries and has tastes/desires that exceed our means.

Trip example - I used to support these but they always end up with behavior I find unacceptable, including spending way beyond agreed upon budget, staying out of contact, not being available for planned video calls with the kids, etc. Theres’s not an AP, some trips are with their parent, it’s more like a last minute decision for a bells and whistles spa day with no cell access, or a gambling/drinking binge that starts after lunch and goes until morning. I do not take similar trips. Recently, I pushed back unsuccessfully against another trip.

Purchase example - spouse decided they wanted to change an expensive habit by purchasing an appliance that costs $$$. Along the lines of, instead of their daily Starbucks, let’s purchase a professional grade multifunctional coffeemaker that we can use to make whatever we want at home that is out of our budget (as is the daily Starbucks if we want to meet other goals), and thereby “save” money over the course of a year. I do not have a similar Starbucks habit or use for the machine. I thought the purchase desire was unreasonable, spouse thought my resistance was unreasonable. We did eventually compromise on that purchase.

Most recent purchase example is a specialized tool for a specialized hobby that spouse hopes to get back into doing sometime soon, but in the meantime the tool will sit on the shelf. I don’t have a comparable hobby. I said “I really do not want you to make that purchase” and requested waiting until they have resumed the hobby and have a need for the tool. That request was dismissed and the tool was purchased.

We are in counseling, but haven’t raised this in session. Even if we had, the perspectives of marriages that work is different from a paid professional sometimes.

I’m married to a very controlling man and I have made bad decisions over the course of our marriage as a way of, I guess, rebelling against him. He doesn’t want me to buy that thing? I’ll just go ahead and buy it and not tell him. Or I’ll tell him I’m going to the grocery store and just sit in my car with my phone on do not disturb, watching Netflix. It’s an unhealthy way of taking back power when you feel like you don’t have any.

Yes this is totally a thing, and I bet it's what the OP's husband is doing.