Anonymous
Post 10/28/2023 12:52     Subject: Re:Husband’s texts when I was out of town
Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Kids have anxiety and ADHD.


They will really struggle with shuttling around. Esp when there will be conflict unless you change your side. Anxiety around forgetting something, the executive function challenges other kids don't face, all drain resources that otherwise would go to coping or development. My kids were doing okayish then really struggled with 2 homes. My bipolar ex had a series of affairs and left to be with one so I had no choices about that. You do.

Have you tried working with a coach/psychologist who works with families where everyone is neurodivergent? Otherwise it is a complete waste of your time.

The only person you can change is YOU, OP.

DBT or CBT for you will pay big dividends for your kids.  

You are almost addicted to your focus on DH. You even admit it's unproductive. Change that. You even say a separation was no magic solution. Yet you have not changed your thinking patterns.


OK, I appreciate the input. I also suspect moving around would be really tough on my kids. Which is why I haven’t pulled the escape cord.

What would the focus in DBT/CBT be on?

I do not want to focus on him. However I realized these past few months that without setting firm boundaries the behavior was escalating to the point that he was screaming at me in front of the kids. Just totally unacceptable stuff. Our friends have seen him triggered when he’s at a 1-2 and all commented to me that it was inappropriate and what the heck is going on. So I feel like it’s important to get this behavior in check and not let him ride over boundaries.
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2023 12:49     Subject: Husband’s texts when I was out of town
Anonymous wrote:OP here

Some clarifications:

We have a parenting schedule inside the house so we both take different days with the kids

My conversation with the kids happened while I was in town. He seems to have heard about it while I was out of town.

I accept that I could have just let it go as other posters mentioned. I think talking to the kids about it is a grey area and assume it would be fine in a healthy relationship. The kids were not upset, they were like fine we’ll watch X show with him which is what he has been watching with them all along, I said that’s a great show and end of talk.

I would have been fine to talk to him about this, and if I was in the wrong or hurt him in some way, apologize. I do not think it’s ok for him to lash out at me when triggered.

We separated for six months recently. During the separation he was very nasty to me. I mentioned taking the kids to a museum because it was raining one day on spring break and my friend had said it was nice. He also had wanted to take the kids to this museum. He told me “if you take the kids there and ask your friend about it, I will text both your friend and her husband and tell them we are getting a divorce.” That’s the kind of jerk behavior he thinks is OK.

Yes there is likely a mental health issue here, but no he hasn’t gotten evaluated.


You have a “parenting schedule”, are terrible communicators, and you clearly feel victimized by him… and you are still married, why??
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2023 12:49     Subject: Husband’s texts when I was out of town
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You were very much in the wrong.

Your husband blocking texts is immature, uncalled for and destructive. My significant other does this. It isn’t okay.

You can only control you. If you want this relationship to continue, do not tell your kids that they are bad for interacting with him. It is horribly destructive to them, to their relationship with their father and of course to your relationship with him. Grow up and catch up alone. Your comments to the kids were just asking for a divorce.


I think DH was more in the wrong. What OP said with her kids would be no big deal in a healthy relationship. However, OP should be aware that she is not in a healthy relationship and anything she says might be used against her or assumed as an attack. Given this, she does have to be very careful about anything she says to DH or the kids.

I would not want to have to go through my marriage walking on eggshells like this but hopefully you can eventually work to move past this very tense time in your marriage.


OP here

Thank you. Yes, I should be more careful.

I have tiptoed around his moods for years now and I think I am just reaching a point where I can’t take it anymore, after several recent incidents that were more like a 8/9 on the scale of tantrums (let’s call this a 1/2).

So I need to figure out how to work this out without losing myself. Other people suggest detach and just grey rock. I’ve tried that. I’ve tried also placating him and giving him everything he wants. Both result in escalation of this behavior. The only thing that has helped so far is getting a male therapist from the same background as him, and actually being quite direct with him about what behavior I won’t tolerate anymore (eg threats, harassment, shouting/screaming, all of the above in front of the kids). That has cut down a lot of the issues. So while I don’t want to be confrontational, I feel like firm boundaries in this situation are a must.

Several therapists who I showed our correspondence to suggested BPD as a possible diagnosis. Whether there is a mental health component or not is irrelevant to the boundary issue.
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2023 12:43     Subject: Husband’s texts when I was out of town
Anonymous wrote:I was out of town for work. My husband texted me out of the blue:

“If you have a problem about any activity I do with the kids (like me watching a show that you watched with them) please talk to me not the kids. We agreed not getting the kids involved in our issues and I expect you to keep to it.”

Then:
“Blocking texts for the rest of the night”

Context: I started watching a TV series with the kids. They mentioned they watched some with him. I said “oh, I was hoping you would wait for me — I want to know what happens.” They explained they watched with him and I said maybe you guys can find another show to watch.

I have no idea what they told him. But I think this text is unreasonable and the blocking texts is just rude and unacceptable. He lashes out in anger when he’s triggered and does not apologize or acknowledge his behavior. Our therapist tried to talk to him last week about how “no one would think it’s ok to yell and shout in the house when they’re angry” and “no one wants to live that way.” Crickets from him.

I just don’t want to live this way anymore. We have two young elementary kids. I don’t want to have them move between two houses but I’m reaching the end of my room with DH’s inability to self regulate and handle trivial issues with maturity. WWYD. We have therapy soon and I want to raise this, suggestions on how?



OP, this sounds like my husband. It is exhausting to not know when small things are going to trigger rage. At least your therapist called him out. I know the text sounds fine to some, but coupled with how you report his getting triggered otherwise, I know it’s not. We also have elementary age kids and I am torn. Just want you to know that others are in the same boat.
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2023 12:42     Subject: Re:Husband’s texts when I was out of town
I just don’t want to live this way anymore


Based on a TV Show
Op - you are really a piece of work
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2023 12:40     Subject: Husband’s texts when I was out of town
This post would be more productive in the SN forum imo.

Focus on not putting your kids in the middle, OP.
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2023 12:39     Subject: Re:Husband’s texts when I was out of town
OP here. Kids have anxiety and ADHD.


They will really struggle with shuttling around. Esp when there will be conflict unless you change your side. Anxiety around forgetting something, the executive function challenges other kids don't face, all drain resources that otherwise would go to coping or development. My kids were doing okayish then really struggled with 2 homes. My bipolar ex had a series of affairs and left to be with one so I had no choices about that. You do.

Have you tried working with a coach/psychologist who works with families where everyone is neurodivergent? Otherwise it is a complete waste of your time.

The only person you can change is YOU, OP.

DBT or CBT for you will pay big dividends for your kids.  

You are almost addicted to your focus on DH. You even admit it's unproductive. Change that. You even say a separation was no magic solution. Yet you have not changed your thinking patterns.
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2023 12:39     Subject: Husband’s texts when I was out of town
Anonymous wrote:You were very much in the wrong.

Your husband blocking texts is immature, uncalled for and destructive. My significant other does this. It isn’t okay.

You can only control you. If you want this relationship to continue, do not tell your kids that they are bad for interacting with him. It is horribly destructive to them, to their relationship with their father and of course to your relationship with him. Grow up and catch up alone. Your comments to the kids were just asking for a divorce.



OP here

To clarify I did not tell them they are bad for interacting with him.

He has screamed at me several times in front of them, accused me of things in front of them while yelling (everything from being mean to him to being racist to keeping them from their grandparents — that last one was bc they don’t like his parents and didn’t want to talk on the phone, I was trying to gently encourage them to do so and he just screamed at me and accused me of that). I’m very familiar with parental alienation issues and this is one of the things we are working on in therapy.
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2023 12:34     Subject: Husband’s texts when I was out of town
Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I could handle that kind of temper tantrum no matter what, if anything, I did wrong. As a once in a blue moon mistake, sure. But not as a pattern.

It probably shows just how close to the bone you are with your whole relationship though. Things are bad so everything hits a nerve.


OP
This temper tantrum is a 1 or a 2 on the scale of his explosions.

Since we started therapy with a new (male) counselor a lot of the aggression has defused. He shouted over all the other female counselors. It’s been two months since he yelled at me.

However I likely have PTSD about past issues so I am posting here to get a reality check on how best to handle this behavior. I don’t want to overreact and I don’t want to underreact.

Anonymous
Post 10/28/2023 12:31     Subject: Husband’s texts when I was out of town
^shift your focus from HIM OP
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2023 12:31     Subject: Husband’s texts when I was out of town
CBT or DBT for YOU, OP. Focus your efforts where they will bear fruit.

Stop the marriage therapy. Radical acceptance.

Make sure any underlying executive function issues or impulsivity you have are dealt with. The more you learn and can help yourself the more you can help your kids with their similar issues. Learning to gray rock DH will also model healthy behavior for them, this is the dad you chose for them, they won't get a new one.

Shift your focus from OP and change yourself. You have to deal with him for the rest of your life, if you have grandchildren one day. Learn to not have it bother you and your quality of life will increase 100%.

You are both reactive. Drop the rope and really work on managing your own emotions, thought patterns and behaviors. You will be a much better parent and a happier person too.
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2023 12:29     Subject: Husband’s texts when I was out of town
OP here

Some clarifications:

We have a parenting schedule inside the house so we both take different days with the kids

My conversation with the kids happened while I was in town. He seems to have heard about it while I was out of town.

I accept that I could have just let it go as other posters mentioned. I think talking to the kids about it is a grey area and assume it would be fine in a healthy relationship. The kids were not upset, they were like fine we’ll watch X show with him which is what he has been watching with them all along, I said that’s a great show and end of talk.

I would have been fine to talk to him about this, and if I was in the wrong or hurt him in some way, apologize. I do not think it’s ok for him to lash out at me when triggered.

We separated for six months recently. During the separation he was very nasty to me. I mentioned taking the kids to a museum because it was raining one day on spring break and my friend had said it was nice. He also had wanted to take the kids to this museum. He told me “if you take the kids there and ask your friend about it, I will text both your friend and her husband and tell them we are getting a divorce.” That’s the kind of jerk behavior he thinks is OK.

Yes there is likely a mental health issue here, but no he hasn’t gotten evaluated.
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2023 12:26     Subject: Husband’s texts when I was out of town
Anonymous wrote:
Some previous posters do not seem to understand that someone who tends to overreacts and has anger management issues cannot be a good partner, because they significantly increase the levels of stress and anxiety in the household. Feeling gaslighted and blamed for no reason is not conducive to a healthy upbringing, even if his anger is not directed at the children.

You have all my sympathies, OP. I have a husband like that, and it's been difficult.



Right, but OP cannot change who she married and who is the father of her children.

It is difficult. Many of us have been married to people like this.

Many of us have kids who are neurodivergent and may be neurodivergent ourselves especially re: reactivity, not just DH.

OP can only change herself and her expectations and own reactivity.
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2023 12:24     Subject: Husband’s texts when I was out of town
Anonymous wrote:Pp again. It is also pretty clear, given the extreme immaturity you both displayed in this interaction alone, that your divorce will be horrible. Straighten up and put your kids first! Prioritizing your tv shows over your entire family is inexcusable.


100% this. You both are in the wrong.
It's disgusting your kids have to live this way.
I know I grew up this way a dad with a temper and a mom with her manipulative guilt tripping BS. Guess who doesn't really have a relationship with her parents as an adult and guess who has anxiety and bost loads of therapy thanks to them.
Cut the crap and grow up before they end up with emotional damage
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2023 12:24     Subject: Husband’s texts when I was out of town
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Are you the “touch the table” couple? Just divorce already!


Who was this? Must have missed that thread.

Re: your post, OP, I would have let this go re: the tv show. I'd also be careful thinking co-parenting with him is going to greatly change your quality of life.

What diagnoses if any do the kids have? Kids with anxiety, ADHD and ASD do especially poorly with shuttling, I can attest.


OP here. Kids have anxiety and ADHD.

We already tried a separation. There was no improvement in my quality of life. He harassed and threatened me during it, including screaming in my face. That’s why I am trying in therapy.


Oh my. I would divorce. Process is ugly but worth it.