Anonymous wrote:I’ve always out earned DH, sometimes by like 4x; right now by about 2x. That fact alone doesn’t bother me - it’s the mental load that bothers me. I am sometimes resentful because if I were a male earning what I earn, I could easily expect to have a wife that handled all the household and child-related tasks that I take on. DH is great, and does more than many, but he is not a wife.

Every bit of this is also true for me. The only thing I would add is that I feel quite shunned by most other women -- including, sadly, my own mom and my MIL. No one has ever actually told me why but based on what I glean from a variety of comments, I think it is for some that they think I have it easy and have an unfair advantage in the workplace, and for some that I am selfish and chose my own career at a cost to my children and my husband (the truth is: he chose and I picked up the pieces). I have a handful of mom friends who don't shun me but for the most part, it is a lonely existence.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish my wife could raise her hand on this. I'm not sure why so many posts say "we're not bothered". I'd be elated...

?

Your post doesn’t make sense- more details needed.

I'm not sure what's confusing? This post answers better than I could.

"I make more than DH. He actually loves it and is very proud of me and he doesn't care. It increases our HHI and he doesn't care where the $ comes from, me or him. It doesn't make him feel less manly."

This thread is interesting. I'm a wife and my husband makes double what I make. I'd love to quit and SAH and we could afford it, but he doesn't believe in/wouldn't agree to a mentally and physically healthy adult not contributing to family finances once kids are school age. He does do his fair share around the house and with the kids, which is the only way we have a mostly-happy marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The worst is I’m a very involved parent, but after trying to be the “play date” dad and “room parent “ dad, realize it has to be the mom, because it’s 99% of the time the moms and being the dad makes it hard for our kids.

Interesting, when a DH showed up for an event in ES school, it was like he was a rockstar!

Also, that’s exemplifies how rare it is for a dad to be there. ROCK STAR!

Not in our school, but when we separated, DP drained his bank account really fast. He had been able to take his showers without having to get the child up and ready. He also could take his time driving home after 5 pm, didn't worry about doctor's appointments, early dismissals, PT conferences, aftercare costs, camps. I worked around his career.
He held up for little over year and then fell apart.

He out earned me years 1-14 of our marriage. I've out earned him the last 6 years, and he does more around the house.

I cook and spot clean. He does the rest.

I make more than DH. He actually loves it and is very proud of me and he doesn't care. It increases our HHI and he doesn't care where the $ comes from, me or him. It doesn't make him feel less manly.

Anonymous wrote:I wish my wife could raise her hand on this. I'm not sure why so many posts say "we're not bothered". I'd be elated...

?

Your post doesn’t make sense- more details needed.

I didn't out-earn him, I out-invested him. He did step up, but I'm way ahead.

Deadbeat husbands love to brag about their cash cows

I wish my wife could raise her hand on this. I'm not sure why so many posts say "we're not bothered". I'd be elated...

Anonymous wrote:

The worst is I’m a very involved parent, but after trying to be the “play date” dad and “room parent “ dad, realize it has to be the mom, because it’s 99% of the time the moms and being the dad makes it hard for our kids.

Interesting, when a DH showed up for an event in ES school, it was like he was a rockstar!

Also, that’s exemplifies how rare it is for a dad to be there. ROCK STAR!

Anonymous wrote:

The worst is I’m a very involved parent, but after trying to be the “play date” dad and “room parent “ dad, realize it has to be the mom, because it’s 99% of the time the moms and being the dad makes it hard for our kids.

Interesting, when a DH showed up for an event in ES school, it was like he was a rockstar!

Sure, he gets kudos but he isn’t part of the daily play date circuit or meets for coffee to get inside story of how kids are doing.

I’ve always out earned DH, sometimes by like 4x; right now by about 2x. That fact alone doesn’t bother me - it’s the mental load that bothers me. I am sometimes resentful because if I were a male earning what I earn, I could easily expect to have a wife that handled all the household and child-related tasks that I take on. DH is great, and does more than many, but he is not a wife.

Anonymous wrote:My DW makes more despite my many efforts to escape my GS15 job nothing pays better for my role.

I do a lot around the house but I know she wishes she could quit, but she doesn’t want to shift to a GS15 lifestyle.

The worst is I’m a very involved parent, but after trying to be the “play date” dad and “room parent “ dad, realize it has to be the mom, because it’s 99% of the time the moms and being the dad makes it hard for our kids.

I’d commiserate that taking the lead on some of the social aspects of parenting can be harder as a dad but being the default parent is a lot more than setting up playdates or volunteering in the classroom. When you say you handle a lot of the stuff around the house does that just entail standard day to day chores or are you being proactive in taking on other aspects of being the default parent without being asked to do so)

(Ie are you regularly going through your kids closets to weed out too small/worn out/weather inappropriate clothes and buying replacements? Are you personally tracking when medical/dental appointments need to be scheduled and doing so?) Are you researching summer camps/childcare/extracurricular activities and tracking sign up procedures and deadlines and filling out related paperwork? Are you regularly monitoring the kids’ school assignments and handling classroom asks to bring in materials/baked goods or dress up for themed events)?

I think most wives would be thrilled to have a husband actually taking the lead in many/most of these areas while bringing in a GS-15 salary. (Even though it tends to just be the default expectation for a similarly positioned woman whose husband out earns her).

The worst is I’m a very involved parent, but after trying to be the “play date” dad and “room parent “ dad, realize it has to be the mom, because it’s 99% of the time the moms and being the dad makes it hard for our kids.

Interesting, when a DH showed up for an event in ES school, it was like he was a rockstar!