Anonymous wrote:As a cheater, I say false.

This and this.

Most of you have no idea what you're talking about.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is their pattern when unhappy in a relationship/marriage, often using the same ways and excuses to sneak around.

Agree with this. However, I think with a lot of therapy, self-awareness and work, the pattern can change.

Anonymous wrote:False. They can learn to overcome temptation. I have.

You just haven't had the right motivation and opportunity since the first time.

Anonymous wrote:True, something is very wrong with me. Likely, I’m a narcissist

I'm glad you at least recogonize this. The cheaters I know always, always rationalize.

True

No, not always. Some people limp along in a relationship for extenuating circumstances (kids, finances, etc) until they meet someone that they feel is special and decide to finally leave. It's called an exit affair. Doesn't mean that they will cheat again once in the new relationship, but they still need to work on themselves to figure out why they couldn't be more honest with their former spouse.

Anonymous wrote:I was a husband who, particularly in the young-and-stupid early years of my marriage in my 20’s-early 30’s when my sex drive was the highest, put myself in the position to cheat, but the beautiful women involved had the good sense to not fool around with a married father.

So I never cheated but I certainly wouldn’t have been faithful were it not for being denied.

Maybe there are a whole lot of “faithful” guys like me who are/were willing to cheat with some particularly lovely women who themselves have the good sense and self respect not to go too far down that path.

If I’m right, the vast majority of men are prone to stray, but only a subset are either
A: hell bent on cheating or
B: overwhelm the virtue of the objects of their affection.

So are those majority of guys cheaters or not?

I don’t think you are right at all about this. Most people, male and female, don’t cheat on a partner because they have a moral compass that points them in the direction of doing the right thing.

It might make you feel better about yourself to think that most men would cheat given the chance, but you are wrong.

Anonymous wrote:Also a former cheater and I say false.

It's because our marriage has vastly improved and [u]to be honest my libido is not what it was a decade ago when it happened.

Of course I acknowledge the propensity to cheat is probably higher than a non cheater but I don't see it as likely. I also have the perspective that affairs are messy and really not worth it which may make people like me less likely to cheat.

Candid and accurate. When the mania of the mid-life crisis ends and age makes the hormones/libido calm down, many former male cheaters don’t really recognize their unfaithful selves. Once bitten, twice shy and they further decline the guilty feelings and additional chaos of another demanding, disappointed woman in their lives.

Yes, always a cheater. If that's how you got him that is how you will lose him. You're both losers.

Also a former cheater and I say false.

It's because our marriage has vastly improved and to be honest my libido is not what it was a decade ago when it happened.

Of course I acknowledge the propensity to cheat is probably higher than a non cheater but I don't see it as likely. I also have the perspective that affairs are messy and really not worth it which may make people like me less likely to cheat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:False. They can learn to overcome temptation. I have.

How did you do it?

As a teenager I turned to drugs to distract from life dissatisfaction and loneliness. In college, I swapped drugs for men. Somehow I found that brief affairs with attached men were easier because I’m not good at deep, romantic emotional connection.

I’ve always blamed ADHD for my emotional disconnects, but who knows really. I’m a great mom and very well connected with my child but romantic connection just doesn’t do much for me. (My brother is weirdly the same way, so maybe something with our upbringing? I don’t know.)

I’m not particularly happy in my marriage (it’s my 2nd), but feel determined to make it work this time.

Ive learned that when DH and I are going through a rough patch or I’m generally unhappy that I need to spend more time with:
- myself (yoga, walking, reading)
- female friends
- an older, 100% platonic male friend who is also a father figure of sorts
- remembering all that I have and cherish
- taking a good look at what I don’t want to lose and what I don’t want my future to be

A temporary, feel-good affair is just not worth it.

Anonymous wrote:False. They can learn to overcome temptation. I have.

Don’t fool yourself.

Anonymous wrote:False. They can learn to overcome temptation. I have.

How did you do it?

I was a husband who, particularly in the young-and-stupid early years of my marriage in my 20’s-early 30’s when my sex drive was the highest, put myself in the position to cheat, but the beautiful women involved had the good sense to not fool around with a married father.

So I never cheated but I certainly wouldn’t have been faithful were it not for being denied.

Maybe there are a whole lot of “faithful” guys like me who are/were willing to cheat with some particularly lovely women who themselves have the good sense and self respect not to go too far down that path.

If I’m right, the vast majority of men are prone to stray, but only a subset are either
A: hell bent on cheating or
B: overwhelm the virtue of the objects of their affection.

So are those majority of guys cheaters or not?

Always true.

Why not open things up? Make it less exciting?