Anonymous
10/18/2023 12:35
Subject: Mom leaving children out of will
Anonymous wrote:My grandmother did this because she had one child (my aunt) who tended to cause drama and trouble.
This approach saved my grandmother all sorts of animosity she would have received when her one daughter would have begged her constantly for a larger share of the estate. My mom was fine with it, because it cut down on sibling rivalry.
It worked out well, and there was just a smaller amount left over to distribute to the grand children.
can you explain how this worked out? did your aunt get any money?
Anonymous
10/18/2023 11:52
Subject: Mom leaving children out of will
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This topic is often posted. Half of the responses will say that mom is mean and selfish for her actions, the other half will say that you are entitled and selfish for expecting her money. I tend to side with the latter, but I was raised in an environment that prioritized self-reliance. My parents taught us from an early age that we had no expectations of their money once grown. Do you not have children so you are feeling left out?
Op here. I do have kids, and all 3 of us siblings have roughly the same amount of kids.
I'm just hurt that it's yet another example of being dismissed and not being taken care of.
Usually, I'm over focusing on my childhood and don't dwell, but the will thing I bringing it all again.
I keep thinking that I would never not leave money to my kids, regardless of how well they were doing. It's a fairly standard thing to give money to your kids, right?
(It's really not about the actual money. It's the thought.)
OP I so get it. I don't think some people who don't come from a certain brand of dysfunction can truly get it. I have gotten therapy and she understood. It's not about the money so much, especially when your kids will benefit. It's about all the dysfunction you endured for so any years with gaslighting and you just hope in some way you will get some message of caring. People will yell at you money isn't about caring and stop having your feelings. There is just so much to unpack when you come from a family where you didn't get those basic feelings of love and security-emotional security.
That said, you will see, unless your mom passes suddenly, the money will go fast and you will be lucky if the kids get anything.
My mom has done and continues to do so many things with her will to get a reaction. Sure I stay calm, remind her it's money and whatever, but in my case she has played favorites my whole life, used me for her own needs and continued to raise the bar to please her and while I have distanced and detached and set boundaries it is just these constant reminders I will never have an emotionally mature, stable, fair and empathetic mother. She will try to find any way she can to get a reaction and will probably do something nasty hoping she can get a reaction post death.
Strange story to share, but this sums up my mom. I basically spent early childhood being raised by neighbors because even as young as 3 I couldn't take all the dramatics and favoritism at home. She tried to do all these things to purchase my love-buying cookies for when i cam home, buying a toy and insisting I must do x, y and z to show love. Even then I tried to explain at those houses they were just calm and kind and we were allowed to be kids and play. At my house we had few toys-mostly they believed in just books. We were expected to be helping out or doing something educational at all times. There was a lot of yelling. I don't remember my mom ever playing with me, but my dad did some-though he worked a lot. It wasn't about cookies or gifts or anything you could buy. I felt safe, secure, welcome and free to be me in other homes.
Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. I'm sorry too that you had to come to that understanding the hard way. Thank you for sharing.
Sounds like in both situations, you people just don’t like your moms. It is not a requirement that parents play with their kids. Kids can play with each other. Signed, working mom who never liked playing as an adult and hence didn’t do it much. Neither did my mom but that would be a total non-issue in my list of complaints. It seems that something went wrong in your developments, I don’t know what it is but to blame parents for not playing with dolls or puzzles and encouraging reading and education does make a bad parent. This is just weird.
I will say that not playing with your child because it was not fun for you sounds pretty selfish.
Good parents put their kids first. So you play Go Fish and Candyland. You make snowmen, and hot cocoa, even though it is cold outside. It is part of the job, not just keeping them fed and clothed.
Anonymous
10/17/2023 12:11
Subject: Mom leaving children out of will
My grandmother did this because she had one child (my aunt) who tended to cause drama and trouble.
This approach saved my grandmother all sorts of animosity she would have received when her one daughter would have begged her constantly for a larger share of the estate. My mom was fine with it, because it cut down on sibling rivalry.
It worked out well, and there was just a smaller amount left over to distribute to the grand children.
This approach saved my grandmother all sorts of animosity she would have received when her one daughter would have begged her constantly for a larger share of the estate. My mom was fine with it, because it cut down on sibling rivalry.
It worked out well, and there was just a smaller amount left over to distribute to the grand children.
Anonymous
10/17/2023 11:53
Subject: Mom leaving children out of will
wouldn't you be mostly using the money to pay for kid stuff anyway? just earmark that money for college. and don't over think it.
Anonymous
10/17/2023 08:30
Subject: Re:Mom leaving children out of will
If it's only 600k and there are multiple grandchildren, butt out and let her do what she wants with what is left over after she dies. What makes you think there will be anything left, anyway? 600k does not go very far with elder care in many cases, so the real number that will be left is likely much less unless she has assets in her estate that are over and above that 600k.
I'm 41 and I think this, but I've seen people ruin relationships permanently with the type of scorekeeping and pressuring elderly people that you are talking about. Stop thinking about this.
I'm 41 and I think this, but I've seen people ruin relationships permanently with the type of scorekeeping and pressuring elderly people that you are talking about. Stop thinking about this.
Anonymous
10/16/2023 16:48
Subject: Mom leaving children out of will
The person who dies gets to decide who gets their stuff. That is not really debatable.
If this really is just triggering for you, discuss what it represents with a therapist. Perhaps it is a blessing that your mom is still alive. Family therapy (with her) might help you (either because you can express your feelings to her or gain insights into why she is the way she is). Good luck.
If this really is just triggering for you, discuss what it represents with a therapist. Perhaps it is a blessing that your mom is still alive. Family therapy (with her) might help you (either because you can express your feelings to her or gain insights into why she is the way she is). Good luck.
Anonymous
10/16/2023 09:15
Subject: Mom leaving children out of will
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I know that generation skipping has become "a thing" but I don't really understand the reasoning behind it. People never used to do it that way. Is this a tax a thing?
Personally, I feel that any money should naturally go to your adult children and it will be the adult children who will hand down to your grandchildren (their children).
Why muddy the water?
It’s because people are living longer. My parents are in their 70s and their parents are starting to pass away (both have one surviving parent). My parents retired 5-10 years ago and don’t need the money now. Giving to grandkids helps skip this problem.
People need to start rethinking wills. Money should ideally be passed along the way, not some huge amount you get when you’re elderly already. It would be better to pay for kids colleges, weddings and down payments instead like the rich do. Instead middle class parents are making kids take on debt and then leaving money later.
If a parent leaves their 70 year adult child an inheritance then the adult child would leave an inheritance to their own children and so on and so forth.
Ultimately it's the parents' money to do with as they see fit. But a grandchild's big wedding is more of a want than a 70 year old person's need for help with yard work, house keeping, etc. is.
The 70year old kid already saved plenty for their retirement and is done saving for that. Whereas the money would mean the 30 or 40 year old grandkid can have more kids, pay for their kids college, afford a home in a school district.
The grandchildren are young and able bodied and can still work. The 70 year old is usually not still working. And most people lose their parents when they are in their 50's and 60's anyway. Most 70 year old people do not still have living parents.
But the bottom line is, it is the parents' money to do with as they please. If they want to skip over their own children and leave money for the grandkids, instead. They can do it. I, personally, would prefer to leave to my next of kin which would be my children.
I think some of the issue is that so many Boomers have said that they will blow all the money (and then generation dying off were very frugal). Their parents aren't thrilled with that answer and it's why more are leaving money to grandkids. 100k is a drop in the bucket of retirement, but to a grandkid, it's a downpayment or lets them have kids. My parents inherited a lot of money, it's great. But don't be confused thinking that they are helping out their kids and grandkids with money they inherit.
Anonymous
10/16/2023 09:07
Subject: Re:Mom leaving children out of will
So my parents are divorced and have been for almost my entire life (I only have a few memories of when they were still married). My dad has three sisters. His parents gave him EVERYTHING because he was the only son. I do not think that parents are good at allocating money or that they're fair. This is horrible sexism and normally when someone is cut out of the will, it's a woman in favor of a man. There's some misogynistic assumption of prior generations that a daughter is going to be 'taken care of' by her husband.
I'm estranged from my mom. I have one sibling - a brother. He has never been married and has never had children. If she give everything to him, I expect I'll eventually inherit it when he dies. She'll probably give half to him and half to my kids and zero to me. Originally she was going to do 50/50 with my brother and I but I have no doubt that the amount I would have been allocated is now going to my kids. I'm okay with that. My mother absolutely considers money as love. She doesn't love me and in many ways hates me. Our relationship is over and she doesn't get to have one with our kids either. She'll likely never see any of us again. I used to be sad about this but at this point it's just a matter of fact. She hates everyone that's LGBT and I'm in that group. She is a racist, homophobic, transphobic bigot. My children will never be exposed to her hate and bigotry. She's never going to tell my children that gay people should be left to die of AIDS without treatment or that black and white people should not marry as I was told when I was growing up in the 80's and 90's. It's okay to be nice to black people but you should never marry them. That's just WRONG. I will never. Ever. Ever. Allow my kids to have exposure to her bigotry.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I guess I would see giving my children (her grandchildren) money is essentially giving me money. I’d be ok with it and happy for my kids.
This. I am estranged from my parents but would be fine with this. I don't like them using an inheritance as a dangling carrot and excuse for them to treat me like sh*t. So if they think that cutting me out of the will and bypassing me and leaving stuff for my kids is punishment, it's actually a relief.
I'm estranged from my mom. I have one sibling - a brother. He has never been married and has never had children. If she give everything to him, I expect I'll eventually inherit it when he dies. She'll probably give half to him and half to my kids and zero to me. Originally she was going to do 50/50 with my brother and I but I have no doubt that the amount I would have been allocated is now going to my kids. I'm okay with that. My mother absolutely considers money as love. She doesn't love me and in many ways hates me. Our relationship is over and she doesn't get to have one with our kids either. She'll likely never see any of us again. I used to be sad about this but at this point it's just a matter of fact. She hates everyone that's LGBT and I'm in that group. She is a racist, homophobic, transphobic bigot. My children will never be exposed to her hate and bigotry. She's never going to tell my children that gay people should be left to die of AIDS without treatment or that black and white people should not marry as I was told when I was growing up in the 80's and 90's. It's okay to be nice to black people but you should never marry them. That's just WRONG. I will never. Ever. Ever. Allow my kids to have exposure to her bigotry.
Anonymous
10/15/2023 16:48
Subject: Mom leaving children out of will
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I know that generation skipping has become "a thing" but I don't really understand the reasoning behind it. People never used to do it that way. Is this a tax a thing?
Personally, I feel that any money should naturally go to your adult children and it will be the adult children who will hand down to your grandchildren (their children).
Why muddy the water?
It’s because people are living longer. My parents are in their 70s and their parents are starting to pass away (both have one surviving parent). My parents retired 5-10 years ago and don’t need the money now. Giving to grandkids helps skip this problem.
People need to start rethinking wills. Money should ideally be passed along the way, not some huge amount you get when you’re elderly already. It would be better to pay for kids colleges, weddings and down payments instead like the rich do. Instead middle class parents are making kids take on debt and then leaving money later.
If a parent leaves their 70 year adult child an inheritance then the adult child would leave an inheritance to their own children and so on and so forth.
Ultimately it's the parents' money to do with as they see fit. But a grandchild's big wedding is more of a want than a 70 year old person's need for help with yard work, house keeping, etc. is.
Presumably the 70 year olds have saved enough money to pay for their own lawn care.
Anonymous
10/15/2023 16:34
Subject: Mom leaving children out of will
I can sympathize. I am the only child and my mom loves to constantly (out of the blue) throw in my face how she is leaving everything to my kids and I will not see a dime. Mind you, she strangely brings this up off topic and we are on good terms. I have never in my life asked my parents for money. My dad passed away a long time ago. It does hurts my feelings. My concern is that my kids would not appreciate it and that they won’t spend wisely. I asked her to at least put it all in an educational trust for my kids, but she refuses.
I think she is trying to buy her grandkids’ love. You can’t buy love and I don’t understand her mindset. Unless there is abandonment or a really bad relationship, I wouldn’t think of cutting out my own kids from my will, and it is just strange to me. I live 20 mins away from my mom so if needed I can take care of her since I am the only family she has in this area. I make sure to visit her at least once a week with my kids. And what makes me very sad is that my kids never ask to go see her. They don’t care enough.
I think she is trying to buy her grandkids’ love. You can’t buy love and I don’t understand her mindset. Unless there is abandonment or a really bad relationship, I wouldn’t think of cutting out my own kids from my will, and it is just strange to me. I live 20 mins away from my mom so if needed I can take care of her since I am the only family she has in this area. I make sure to visit her at least once a week with my kids. And what makes me very sad is that my kids never ask to go see her. They don’t care enough.
Anonymous
10/15/2023 16:01
Subject: Re:Mom leaving children out of will
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the resentment. My husband and I would be very happy if our kids were direct beneficiaries of their grandparents' money.
What if you are the one bypassed and your kid is 20? You think a 20 year old is ready to handle a windfall like that? Heck, there are 26 year old kids still on their parents' health insurance.
PP here. My kids are a little older than that, but if money were put in a trust for younger kids, that would have been fine with me. (I'm not wealthy -- I'm a public school educator.)
Anonymous
10/15/2023 15:41
Subject: Re:Mom leaving children out of will
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I guess I would see giving my children (her grandchildren) money is essentially giving me money. I’d be ok with it and happy for my kids.
This. I am estranged from my parents but would be fine with this. I don't like them using an inheritance as a dangling carrot and excuse for them to treat me like sh*t. So if they think that cutting me out of the will and bypassing me and leaving stuff for my kids is punishment, it's actually a relief.
You would prefer them to use an inheritance as a dangling carrot over your kids?
Anonymous
10/15/2023 15:11
Subject: Re:Mom leaving children out of will
Anonymous wrote:I guess I would see giving my children (her grandchildren) money is essentially giving me money. I’d be ok with it and happy for my kids.
This. I am estranged from my parents but would be fine with this. I don't like them using an inheritance as a dangling carrot and excuse for them to treat me like sh*t. So if they think that cutting me out of the will and bypassing me and leaving stuff for my kids is punishment, it's actually a relief.
Anonymous
10/15/2023 14:53
Subject: Mom leaving children out of will
Anonymous wrote:Sadly parents sometimes use wills as their final way to create dysfunction. As you implied it isn’t much given cost if care and you will be lucky if it even covers her care. Sharing your feelings may just feed drama. Her money, her choice. You get to chose how you do or do not help and how you remember her. Spend the money on her care and do only what you can handle without resentment. She did minimum and you can too.
Thank you PP for this. You made my day! I will remember your post for a long time. My family is so much worse
Anonymous
10/15/2023 14:51
Subject: Re:Mom leaving children out of will
Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the resentment. My husband and I would be very happy if our kids were direct beneficiaries of their grandparents' money.
What if you are the one bypassed and your kid is 20? You think a 20 year old is ready to handle a windfall like that? Heck, there are 26 year old kids still on their parents' health insurance.