Anonymous
10/08/2023 08:56
Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:well I'm not going to judge you because I have a SIL who is like this to my family. Not in regards to drinking or anything, but she just wants nothing to do with her husbands side of the family. They live about 20 mins from my parents and my parents practically have to beg to see them and the grandkids. I have absolutely no relationship with her. She has never cared to get to know me. We see them maybe once per year, maybe every other year, for Christmas.
On the flip side, she is very close to her family who lives out of state and her two sisters.
It's fine, I just think it's odd that she is so cold. And no there are no issues with my parents and my brother has a good relationship with my parents, barring the fact that his wife never wants to prioritize our side of the family.
Its funny because the cousins are actually pretty close, despite this kind of cold relationship.
In my own family, I always loved my DH's side of the family. They were very close, and i truly felt part of the family. They have a much bigger family, maybe that is why.
Um, if your parents “have a good relationship with his parents” then they wouldn’t have to “practically beg to see their grandchildren.”
Which one is it? Pick one, because both those things can’t be true.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 08:53
Subject: Re:DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:The example you gave wasn't a great one OP, but I think I understand the overall vibe and why it feels like rejection and hurts.
I know that my own mother is/was hurt that my SIL was always distant. She avoided gatherings and when she was there she was polite but cold, never starting a conversation or really engaging. The vibe she gave off was of merely tolerating the interaction. It can hurt, regardless of the reason. Particularly when you had dreams of "gaining a daughter" through marriage.
You can't control her, and pushing will likely make things work. Just acknowledge that the relationship is not what you expected/hoped and turn your attention elsewhere.
+1 My brother in law is like this. It is what it is. My sister loves him, he's a good dad to his kids, he doesn't prevent family events from happening, he just chills in a corner while they are happening. But in our case we know it's not us because he's like that with his own parents' events too. He's just a quiet, no-joining guy. After 10 years we don't expect any more and we just include him when he wants to be included (grill night) and accept the "no thanks" on everything else.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 08:46
Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
If the DIL is there - assume your son is too? Is he engaged - or hanging back like his wife is? How are they/she is smaller settings. The events you mention all seem like larger gatherings. Maybe you’re missing the social cues where what you think of as a welcoming inclusion comes off as monolithic and exclusionary - like inside jokes and traditions.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 08:31
Subject: Re:DIL never participates, never joins in
The example you gave wasn't a great one OP, but I think I understand the overall vibe and why it feels like rejection and hurts.
I know that my own mother is/was hurt that my SIL was always distant. She avoided gatherings and when she was there she was polite but cold, never starting a conversation or really engaging. The vibe she gave off was of merely tolerating the interaction. It can hurt, regardless of the reason. Particularly when you had dreams of "gaining a daughter" through marriage.
You can't control her, and pushing will likely make things work. Just acknowledge that the relationship is not what you expected/hoped and turn your attention elsewhere.
I know that my own mother is/was hurt that my SIL was always distant. She avoided gatherings and when she was there she was polite but cold, never starting a conversation or really engaging. The vibe she gave off was of merely tolerating the interaction. It can hurt, regardless of the reason. Particularly when you had dreams of "gaining a daughter" through marriage.
You can't control her, and pushing will likely make things work. Just acknowledge that the relationship is not what you expected/hoped and turn your attention elsewhere.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 08:26
Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
well I'm not going to judge you because I have a SIL who is like this to my family. Not in regards to drinking or anything, but she just wants nothing to do with her husbands side of the family. They live about 20 mins from my parents and my parents practically have to beg to see them and the grandkids. I have absolutely no relationship with her. She has never cared to get to know me. We see them maybe once per year, maybe every other year, for Christmas.
On the flip side, she is very close to her family who lives out of state and her two sisters.
It's fine, I just think it's odd that she is so cold. And no there are no issues with my parents and my brother has a good relationship with my parents, barring the fact that his wife never wants to prioritize our side of the family.
Its funny because the cousins are actually pretty close, despite this kind of cold relationship.
In my own family, I always loved my DH's side of the family. They were very close, and i truly felt part of the family. They have a much bigger family, maybe that is why.
On the flip side, she is very close to her family who lives out of state and her two sisters.
It's fine, I just think it's odd that she is so cold. And no there are no issues with my parents and my brother has a good relationship with my parents, barring the fact that his wife never wants to prioritize our side of the family.
Its funny because the cousins are actually pretty close, despite this kind of cold relationship.
In my own family, I always loved my DH's side of the family. They were very close, and i truly felt part of the family. They have a much bigger family, maybe that is why.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 07:31
Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
OP here. I really am taking in all the feedback. The rest of us must have iron stomachs, because it was a big party kind of night and most adults who already had a beer, wine or Scotch drank the margaritas as well. Buy it seems like that would bother a lot of people so I guess I’ll just take this at face value.
I see how this was a bad example but it seriously is always no, no thanks, “I’m good.” “I’m good” all the time is irksome when my husband is simply offering to carry her suitcase or I am offering to help with dinner.
But I appreciate the feedback and I am taking it in.
I see how this was a bad example but it seriously is always no, no thanks, “I’m good.” “I’m good” all the time is irksome when my husband is simply offering to carry her suitcase or I am offering to help with dinner.
But I appreciate the feedback and I am taking it in.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 07:18
Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking in the feedback. I know this is a trivial example. It’s just always no thank you, no thanks, and she barely talks to DH and me but is effusive with aunts, uncles, cousins.
When her parents visit, she goes out for margaritas with her mom and her visiting female relatives and her friends. She’s never once invited me or my daughter out.
She’s warm to others, cool to us.
Something to think about: the things she is saying "no thanks" to, like the margarita- do you ask before putting in the effort if she is interested? Rather than approaching her with something you think she would like and being hurt by "no thanks," try asking before what she would actually like.
Have you spoken with your son/daughter about how you might improve your relationship with DIL?
Anonymous
10/08/2023 07:06
Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking in the feedback. I know this is a trivial example. It’s just always no thank you, no thanks, and she barely talks to DH and me but is effusive with aunts, uncles, cousins.
When her parents visit, she goes out for margaritas with her mom and her visiting female relatives and her friends. She’s never once invited me or my daughter out.
She’s warm to others, cool to us.
Why would she want to hang out with a person who monitors her drinks and tallies up who she drinks with?
She’s polite to you. You’re complaining about her publicly to anonymous strangers. If she picks up on stuff like this, cool is likely her safest and most comfortable option.
This.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 07:05
Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you get a dud as part of your company of friends or relatives. The best you can do is provide some minimal pleasantries and then leave them be.
I’d say the “duds” are the bitter people counting drinks and acting like family participation = drinking
Anonymous
10/08/2023 00:52
Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
Sometimes you get a dud as part of your company of friends or relatives. The best you can do is provide some minimal pleasantries and then leave them be.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 00:51
Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking in the feedback. I know this is a trivial example. It’s just always no thank you, no thanks, and she barely talks to DH and me but is effusive with aunts, uncles, cousins.
When her parents visit, she goes out for margaritas with her mom and her visiting female relatives and her friends. She’s never once invited me or my daughter out.
She’s warm to others, cool to us.
Why would she want to hang out with a person who monitors her drinks and tallies up who she drinks with?
She’s polite to you. You’re complaining about her publicly to anonymous strangers. If she picks up on stuff like this, cool is likely her safest and most comfortable option.
How do you know the DIL isn't on another thread here complaining about her MIL? I'd say it's pretty likely.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 00:49
Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
I stick with one type of drink at a time to avoid headaches and stomach upset. Red wine followed with a margarita--no thanks.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 00:37
Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking in the feedback. I know this is a trivial example. It’s just always no thank you, no thanks, and she barely talks to DH and me but is effusive with aunts, uncles, cousins.
When her parents visit, she goes out for margaritas with her mom and her visiting female relatives and her friends. She’s never once invited me or my daughter out.
She’s warm to others, cool to us.
Why would she want to hang out with a person who monitors her drinks and tallies up who she drinks with?
She’s polite to you. You’re complaining about her publicly to anonymous strangers. If she picks up on stuff like this, cool is likely her safest and most comfortable option.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 00:08
Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:We’re at the beach with several families this weekend. It is well-known that DIL likes margaritas. We made a batch and she refused one, saying “I’ve already had a glass of red wine.”
I’m sure she would participate with her family. All we get is tight-lipped tolerance. I’m tired of constant rejection.
To avoid getting tipsy and labeled as not having common sense.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 00:07
Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:We’re at the beach with several families this weekend. It is well-known that DIL likes margaritas. We made a batch and she refused one, saying “I’ve already had a glass of red wine.”
I’m sure she would participate with her family. All we get is tight-lipped tolerance. I’m tired of constant rejection.
You don't know if she is indeed rejecting your good behavior or if she is reacting to your unintentional bad behavior or just genuinely feeling bored. Before passing a verdict, try to put yourself into her shoes.