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Anonymous wrote:I’ve worked in residential facilities and majority of the kids there were funded by school districts. Hire an advocate OP and see what your options are. I think it’s extra hard on those kids in residential without any families. At least the ones with parents got visited and to go home on occasion. Those without any parents were essentially raised by rotating strangers with almost no adults in their life for more than a couple years. They also suffered because they got very little money from the state each year for clothes and necessities. Parents can at least provide some comfort just by providing material items, it makes such a difference. At least explore all your options before taking such a drastic measure.

+1 I would go into debt to hire a specialized nanny/full-time nurse before taking the kind of step OP is considering. This is so heartbreaking and OP I know you must be suffering to think about this option. I wish we had better, free support for families in this situation. Please take this poster seriously.

To what end? Even if you take out a second mortgage for a full time nanny who can work with a special needs nanny, eventually that money runs out and OP is back in the same position. What if OP has other children?

We do have other kids. That's much of the problem-- they've been suffering from the current situation, both physically and due to lack of attention.

We simply don't have the money to hire someone for an extended period of time, nor would we be able to get a loan to cover that.

I think having other kids will make it more challenging to maintain custody of the other children while terminating your parental rights of one of them.

and I would assume it would traumatize the other kids for their sibling to be sent away.

The family bankrupting itself and neglecting them to care for their sibling is going to traumatize them too

Right - so we agree that there is no good solutions here, just a bunch of crappy, bad solutions of which OP has to try and navigate what is "least bad" for all concerned.

Dumping a profoundly disabled kid into foster care ain’t it. But I’m guessing OP is indulging herself in a little fantasy to cope with a hard time.

And this is normal. When my child was in the worst stage, I remember daydreaming about getting divorced just so I could get a break. The idea of 50/50 custody sounded like a dream. I felt like a prisoner in my own house, constantly walking on eggshells and subjecting my other children to a terrible environment.

Until you’ve felt that level of despair, you need to shut up and stop judging other parents.

If you want to troll, go to general parenting and pick arguments about organic food or the right school district, but please leave the SN parents alone. We have enough to deal with.

You’re quoting me and I completely agree. OP’s despair is reasonable. But also it’s good that people are responding with more realistic solutions.

Op, do you have grandparent support ? If yes, I would ask retired grandparents to help out a bit here and there.I wonder if you could have a live in special need nanny if possible. In my hometown, it is quite affordable and common to find a live in nanny for like less than $2k a month but they get break/no working on weekends. They coukd help with chores and cooking/cleaning if kids are in school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I’ve worked in residential facilities and majority of the kids there were funded by school districts. Hire an advocate OP and see what your options are. I think it’s extra hard on those kids in residential without any families. At least the ones with parents got visited and to go home on occasion. Those without any parents were essentially raised by rotating strangers with almost no adults in their life for more than a couple years. They also suffered because they got very little money from the state each year for clothes and necessities. Parents can at least provide some comfort just by providing material items, it makes such a difference. At least explore all your options before taking such a drastic measure.

+1 I would go into debt to hire a specialized nanny/full-time nurse before taking the kind of step OP is considering. This is so heartbreaking and OP I know you must be suffering to think about this option. I wish we had better, free support for families in this situation. Please take this poster seriously.

To what end? Even if you take out a second mortgage for a full time nanny who can work with a special needs nanny, eventually that money runs out and OP is back in the same position. What if OP has other children?

We do have other kids. That's much of the problem-- they've been suffering from the current situation, both physically and due to lack of attention.

We simply don't have the money to hire someone for an extended period of time, nor would we be able to get a loan to cover that.

I think having other kids will make it more challenging to maintain custody of the other children while terminating your parental rights of one of them.

and I would assume it would traumatize the other kids for their sibling to be sent away.

The family bankrupting itself and neglecting them to care for their sibling is going to traumatize them too

Right - so we agree that there is no good solutions here, just a bunch of crappy, bad solutions of which OP has to try and navigate what is "least bad" for all concerned.

Dumping a profoundly disabled kid into foster care ain’t it. But I’m guessing OP is indulging herself in a little fantasy to cope with a hard time.

And this is normal. When my child was in the worst stage, I remember daydreaming about getting divorced just so I could get a break. The idea of 50/50 custody sounded like a dream. I felt like a prisoner in my own house, constantly walking on eggshells and subjecting my other children to a terrible environment.

Until you’ve felt that level of despair, you need to shut up and stop judging other parents.

If you want to troll, go to general parenting and pick arguments about organic food or the right school district, but please leave the SN parents alone. We have enough to deal with.

Different poster----then DO something! I say this as a family member who has to now clean up my sibling's mess of a family. They chose to have additional children after it was clear that their first born had major needs. They chose not to seek out resources b/c they didn't like the "militant autism parents", and therefore have no supports or community. They chose not to invest in resources and instead continued to live in a home they could barely afford. It's appalling.

New poster. You are not helpful at all. Please go help on another forum.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, here is some information on voluntary placement. It specifically says that this can be an option for parents considering terminating their rights.

https://allianceforchildrensrights.org/wp-content/uploads/VPA-Self-Advocacy-Guide.pdf

That information is for California.

I should have said that, but it provides an understanding of how this program often works and while states will have some differences, it is not THAT different. If op has never heard of it, it gives some context.

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Anonymous wrote:I’ve worked in residential facilities and majority of the kids there were funded by school districts. Hire an advocate OP and see what your options are. I think it’s extra hard on those kids in residential without any families. At least the ones with parents got visited and to go home on occasion. Those without any parents were essentially raised by rotating strangers with almost no adults in their life for more than a couple years. They also suffered because they got very little money from the state each year for clothes and necessities. Parents can at least provide some comfort just by providing material items, it makes such a difference. At least explore all your options before taking such a drastic measure.

+1 I would go into debt to hire a specialized nanny/full-time nurse before taking the kind of step OP is considering. This is so heartbreaking and OP I know you must be suffering to think about this option. I wish we had better, free support for families in this situation. Please take this poster seriously.

To what end? Even if you take out a second mortgage for a full time nanny who can work with a special needs nanny, eventually that money runs out and OP is back in the same position. What if OP has other children?

We do have other kids. That's much of the problem-- they've been suffering from the current situation, both physically and due to lack of attention.

We simply don't have the money to hire someone for an extended period of time, nor would we be able to get a loan to cover that.

I think having other kids will make it more challenging to maintain custody of the other children while terminating your parental rights of one of them.

and I would assume it would traumatize the other kids for their sibling to be sent away.

The family bankrupting itself and neglecting them to care for their sibling is going to traumatize them too

Right - so we agree that there is no good solutions here, just a bunch of crappy, bad solutions of which OP has to try and navigate what is "least bad" for all concerned.

Dumping a profoundly disabled kid into foster care ain’t it. But I’m guessing OP is indulging herself in a little fantasy to cope with a hard time.

And this is normal. When my child was in the worst stage, I remember daydreaming about getting divorced just so I could get a break. The idea of 50/50 custody sounded like a dream. I felt like a prisoner in my own house, constantly walking on eggshells and subjecting my other children to a terrible environment.

Until you’ve felt that level of despair, you need to shut up and stop judging other parents.

If you want to troll, go to general parenting and pick arguments about organic food or the right school district, but please leave the SN parents alone. We have enough to deal with.

Different poster----then DO something! I say this as a family member who has to now clean up my sibling's mess of a family. They chose to have additional children after it was clear that their first born had major needs. They chose not to seek out resources b/c they didn't like the "militant autism parents", and therefore have no supports or community. They chose not to invest in resources and instead continued to live in a home they could barely afford. It's appalling.

Stop. Stop it. Be quiet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve worked in residential facilities and majority of the kids there were funded by school districts. Hire an advocate OP and see what your options are. I think it’s extra hard on those kids in residential without any families. At least the ones with parents got visited and to go home on occasion. Those without any parents were essentially raised by rotating strangers with almost no adults in their life for more than a couple years. They also suffered because they got very little money from the state each year for clothes and necessities. Parents can at least provide some comfort just by providing material items, it makes such a difference. At least explore all your options before taking such a drastic measure.

+1 I would go into debt to hire a specialized nanny/full-time nurse before taking the kind of step OP is considering. This is so heartbreaking and OP I know you must be suffering to think about this option. I wish we had better, free support for families in this situation. Please take this poster seriously.

To what end? Even if you take out a second mortgage for a full time nanny who can work with a special needs nanny, eventually that money runs out and OP is back in the same position. What if OP has other children?

We do have other kids. That's much of the problem-- they've been suffering from the current situation, both physically and due to lack of attention.

We simply don't have the money to hire someone for an extended period of time, nor would we be able to get a loan to cover that.

I think having other kids will make it more challenging to maintain custody of the other children while terminating your parental rights of one of them.

and I would assume it would traumatize the other kids for their sibling to be sent away.

The family bankrupting itself and neglecting them to care for their sibling is going to traumatize them too

Right - so we agree that there is no good solutions here, just a bunch of crappy, bad solutions of which OP has to try and navigate what is "least bad" for all concerned.

Dumping a profoundly disabled kid into foster care ain’t it. But I’m guessing OP is indulging herself in a little fantasy to cope with a hard time.

And this is normal. When my child was in the worst stage, I remember daydreaming about getting divorced just so I could get a break. The idea of 50/50 custody sounded like a dream. I felt like a prisoner in my own house, constantly walking on eggshells and subjecting my other children to a terrible environment.

Until you’ve felt that level of despair, you need to shut up and stop judging other parents.

If you want to troll, go to general parenting and pick arguments about organic food or the right school district, but please leave the SN parents alone. We have enough to deal with.

Different poster----then DO something! I say this as a family member who has to now clean up my sibling's mess of a family. They chose to have additional children after it was clear that their first born had major needs. They chose not to seek out resources b/c they didn't like the "militant autism parents", and therefore have no supports or community. They chose not to invest in resources and instead continued to live in a home they could barely afford. It's appalling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve worked in residential facilities and majority of the kids there were funded by school districts. Hire an advocate OP and see what your options are. I think it’s extra hard on those kids in residential without any families. At least the ones with parents got visited and to go home on occasion. Those without any parents were essentially raised by rotating strangers with almost no adults in their life for more than a couple years. They also suffered because they got very little money from the state each year for clothes and necessities. Parents can at least provide some comfort just by providing material items, it makes such a difference. At least explore all your options before taking such a drastic measure.

+1 I would go into debt to hire a specialized nanny/full-time nurse before taking the kind of step OP is considering. This is so heartbreaking and OP I know you must be suffering to think about this option. I wish we had better, free support for families in this situation. Please take this poster seriously.

To what end? Even if you take out a second mortgage for a full time nanny who can work with a special needs nanny, eventually that money runs out and OP is back in the same position. What if OP has other children?

We do have other kids. That's much of the problem-- they've been suffering from the current situation, both physically and due to lack of attention.

We simply don't have the money to hire someone for an extended period of time, nor would we be able to get a loan to cover that.

I think having other kids will make it more challenging to maintain custody of the other children while terminating your parental rights of one of them.

and I would assume it would traumatize the other kids for their sibling to be sent away.

The family bankrupting itself and neglecting them to care for their sibling is going to traumatize them too

Right - so we agree that there is no good solutions here, just a bunch of crappy, bad solutions of which OP has to try and navigate what is "least bad" for all concerned.

Dumping a profoundly disabled kid into foster care ain’t it. But I’m guessing OP is indulging herself in a little fantasy to cope with a hard time.

And this is normal. When my child was in the worst stage, I remember daydreaming about getting divorced just so I could get a break. The idea of 50/50 custody sounded like a dream. I felt like a prisoner in my own house, constantly walking on eggshells and subjecting my other children to a terrible environment.

Until you’ve felt that level of despair, you need to shut up and stop judging other parents.

If you want to troll, go to general parenting and pick arguments about organic food or the right school district, but please leave the SN parents alone. We have enough to deal with.

Bravo, +1000!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve worked in residential facilities and majority of the kids there were funded by school districts. Hire an advocate OP and see what your options are. I think it’s extra hard on those kids in residential without any families. At least the ones with parents got visited and to go home on occasion. Those without any parents were essentially raised by rotating strangers with almost no adults in their life for more than a couple years. They also suffered because they got very little money from the state each year for clothes and necessities. Parents can at least provide some comfort just by providing material items, it makes such a difference. At least explore all your options before taking such a drastic measure.

+1 I would go into debt to hire a specialized nanny/full-time nurse before taking the kind of step OP is considering. This is so heartbreaking and OP I know you must be suffering to think about this option. I wish we had better, free support for families in this situation. Please take this poster seriously.

To what end? Even if you take out a second mortgage for a full time nanny who can work with a special needs nanny, eventually that money runs out and OP is back in the same position. What if OP has other children?

We do have other kids. That's much of the problem-- they've been suffering from the current situation, both physically and due to lack of attention.

We simply don't have the money to hire someone for an extended period of time, nor would we be able to get a loan to cover that.

I think having other kids will make it more challenging to maintain custody of the other children while terminating your parental rights of one of them.

and I would assume it would traumatize the other kids for their sibling to be sent away.

The family bankrupting itself and neglecting them to care for their sibling is going to traumatize them too

Right - so we agree that there is no good solutions here, just a bunch of crappy, bad solutions of which OP has to try and navigate what is "least bad" for all concerned.

Dumping a profoundly disabled kid into foster care ain’t it. But I’m guessing OP is indulging herself in a little fantasy to cope with a hard time.

And this is normal. When my child was in the worst stage, I remember daydreaming about getting divorced just so I could get a break. The idea of 50/50 custody sounded like a dream. I felt like a prisoner in my own house, constantly walking on eggshells and subjecting my other children to a terrible environment.

Until you’ve felt that level of despair, you need to shut up and stop judging other parents.

If you want to troll, go to general parenting and pick arguments about organic food or the right school district, but please leave the SN parents alone. We have enough to deal with.

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, here is some information on voluntary placement. It specifically says that this can be an option for parents considering terminating their rights.

https://allianceforchildrensrights.org/wp-content/uploads/VPA-Self-Advocacy-Guide.pdf

That information is for California.

Hi OP, here is some information on voluntary placement. It specifically says that this can be an option for parents considering terminating their rights.

https://allianceforchildrensrights.org/wp-content/uploads/VPA-Self-Advocacy-Guide.pdf

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you do ABA after school to have 20-40 more hours a week of support? I have heard of people who do ABA on top of school. It’s obviously an intense schedule for the child, but probably better than the alternative in a situation like yours. I don’t know if any weekend hours are available but that might fill a huge need. It sounds like you likely need more help from ABA anyway if things are this bad.

My heart goes out to you OP. Few people understand the enormous demands placed on severe ASD parents and how little support there is.

We're on waitlists for ABA, but right now the lists are so long that they're not willing/able to project when they might be available.

It would certainly help, but the bigger problems are mornings, evenings, and weekends when the kids are all at home.

Realistically, you could get full coverage for weekends and evenings if you get ABA. They generally want more hours and most people don’t want to commit to 20+ hours of ABA a week because it disrupts family time. It sounds like you’re desperate for respite so this would work for you.

Generally, I hate ABA because it’s a very blunt tool that’s not great for higher functioning children. For example, if the child is receptive to speech or OT that’s always a better path than ABA.

However, if your child is non-verbal or physically aggressive, sometimes ABA is the only option left. I did ABA for 6 months when my child was 3 and turning more inwards to the point where little transitions like going to the car resulted in massive hours long tantrums. He was nonverbal and we couldn’t communicate at all to the point where we couldn’t make any plans because we never knew how he would react. Once he got to a point where we could reliably get him to other therapy we quit ABA. (It had become too much about making him stop stimming. I wanted to focus on improving communication and ABA was definitely getting in the way.)

Check your insurance. If you have a maximum out of pocket, you will definitely meet it, but it will still be the cheapest way to get support out there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call the child welfare hotline and ask them.

I strongly recommend against engaging with the system without first hiring a lawyer. Especially given OP’s level of desperation and burnout.

You don't need a lawyer to ask about Voluntary Placement. Many of us with kids with mental health needs have had to do this.

Anonymous wrote:Call the child welfare hotline and ask them.

I strongly recommend against engaging with the system without first hiring a lawyer. Especially given OP’s level of desperation and burnout.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP think about what you are showing your NT children. That if they give birth to a "less than perfect" baby it's okay if they want to dump it after a few years. Being a parent, in the best of situations is hard. Being a SN parent is hard, but even more so if you never grieved for that "perfect" child. It seems like you're still trying to have that perfect life, which your one child obviously doesn't fit into.

You need family therapy and to figure out something that will work for you that isn't sending away family members. In reality your NT kids would have a better chance getting adopted. Why not give them up instead? Because they're the "easier" ones?

OMG. Would you just shut the F up? If you feel compelled to speak, go pray for OP rather than spouting this BS.

+1

I've got no advice, OP, just a lot of sympathy for you. Sometimes there are no good choices. It's unfortunate there isn't more support for kids like your 5 yo AND it's unfortunate your other kids are so impacted by it. It sucks all the way around. Hugs.