Anonymous wrote:People are shocked we are divorcing. Husband going through a textbook midlife crisis and sleeping with younger women. Completely out of character with the successful family man image he had for the last 14 years.

I have a good friend who on the surface could be this man. But the truth is that he's still a good family man even while being extremely successful and prominent in his profession and in the community. He's showing his kids that it's healthy to pursue happiness rather than live in misery. But that's bound up with how the wife treats him. If his wife falls short and doesn't appreciate him then he has every right to pursue that happiness. As he pursues happiness, he will NEVER stop being the most loving father to his kids. He and the Mom don't need to live together to be the best parents possible, and sometimes they need to find happiness apart and live separately in order to parent at their best.

Yes, my friend has wound up with another woman and yes she's 25-30 years younger than him. But he was depressed after being married twenty years to a woman who had declined in so many ways and looked at him as an errand boy to cut down on her SAHM workload raising their two boys. It took the almost divine intervention of such a joyful, captivating and energetic young woman to show him that he DESERVES to be happy and has earned the right to respect for all that he's accomplished and is achieving and earning.

So at face value yes, it's a "midlife crisis". But if you know him, and you know the ex, and you met his GF, you would understand why he needed to cut the cord. He and the kids are so much happier for him doing so.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll be one of those that shock you. My husband isn't a bad guy and there's no cheating but I've been carrying too much for too long. Despite my pleas, despite lots of counseling, my husband hasn't been a good partner.

Our marriage has died because of a 1,000 cuts. I recognized when our youngest was in HS that nothing would change. Having to carry so much has killed my love for my husband. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who feels the way I do about my husband. It's not like I'm hostile but just that I have accepted that my role is disproportionately responsible for the family and that once our youngest leaves for college, I will be free to pursue a more fulfilling life. I'm biding my time. I have no problem being in social/family situations with my husband. We're civil/polite. The ties that bind us are nearly broken.

Trying to understand. Your husband just wasn't an active participant in the marriage and you were carrying most of the daily load or that your standards for his behavior and actions were just too high? Your mindset was set on a criteria he couldn't match up to?

She likely feels her partner was actually just another child she had to take care of and not a true partner and that killed her respect and attraction. Just like a millions of other husbands that don't get it.

I mean, I have a neighbor who is a real rags to riches story. Came from a poor part of the city, happened to marry a really good looking and successful guy who is totally out of her league in every way. She portrays the two of them as picture perfect on social media.

Get a few drinks in her and it all comes out that he has zero interest in her, no emotional connection, he host doesn’t want to be around her, nothing in common. These are the types of divorces that always “shock” people.

Anonymous wrote:A good friend of mine for the past 15+ years just called me and told me that he and his wife of nearly 20 years have separated and are likely divorcing. I honestly thought they had the perfect marriage. I was completely and totally shocked.

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage! You never know what goes on behind closed doors. My parents have been happily married for 45 years but I know from both of them that it takes a great deal of work to be happy and that perfect isn’t their goal. They are both low maintenance people and don’t sweat the little stuff and I think that has really helped them. When growing up I never saw them argue and they were always very affectionate and nice to each other. It was a nice way to grow up.

Anonymous wrote:They may have hit being empty nesters and that’s when many couples decide to split. I’ve seen this happen a lot with couples in their late 40’s early 50’s.

Yeah, the 20-25 year mark is a huge "exit point" for people who stuck together for the kids.

Anonymous wrote:A good friend of mine for the past 15+ years just called me and told me that he and his wife of nearly 20 years have separated and are likely divorcing. I honestly thought they had the perfect marriage. I was completely and totally shocked.

R u female?

Anonymous wrote:I'll be one of those that shock you. My husband isn't a bad guy and there's no cheating but I've been carrying too much for too long. Despite my pleas, despite lots of counseling, my husband hasn't been a good partner.

Our marriage has died because of a 1,000 cuts. I recognized when our youngest was in HS that nothing would change. Having to carry so much has killed my love for my husband. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who feels the way I do about my husband. It's not like I'm hostile but just that I have accepted that my role is disproportionately responsible for the family and that once our youngest leaves for college, I will be free to pursue a more fulfilling life. I'm biding my time. I have no problem being in social/family situations with my husband. We're civil/polite. The ties that bind us are nearly broken.

This is me too!

They may have hit being empty nesters and that’s when many couples decide to split. I’ve seen this happen a lot with couples in their late 40’s early 50’s.

More someone feels to highlight it, more likely for them to have problems. No happy or secure person needs to show off their relationship or wealth.

Bottom line: Don't feel envious of what people flaunt in social settings or on social media, reality often differs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can sort of see why it shocked you but at the same time it shouldn't, because many if not most people don't share their deepest marriage struggles with *anybody* except a therapist or people on anonymous forums.

Its one thing to not share, its another to actively flaunt fake perfection while planning for divorce and finding new guy. Just stay quiet, why lie?

You think they are going to tell everyone they are on Ashley Madison. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OF course not. They will keep the facade of happy little homemaker, perfect wife cooking home-cooked means while ankles above their head in a hotel room banging other dudes.

Not a happy homemaker, more like a successful career woman but not really earning as much as it reflected by designer lifestyle.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can sort of see why it shocked you but at the same time it shouldn't, because many if not most people don't share their deepest marriage struggles with *anybody* except a therapist or people on anonymous forums.

Its one thing to not share, its another to actively flaunt fake perfection while planning for divorce and finding new guy. Just stay quiet, why lie?

You think they are going to tell everyone they are on Ashley Madison. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OF course not. They will keep the facade of happy little homemaker, perfect wife cooking home-cooked means while ankles above their head in a hotel room banging other dudes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good friend of mine for the past 15+ years just called me and told me that he and his wife of nearly 20 years have separated and are likely divorcing. I honestly thought they had the perfect marriage. I was completely and totally shocked.

One of my neighbor got divorced after 25 years of marriage, was portraying a lovey dovey image the week before. Quickly remarried and started similar lovey divey theme with the new guy.

Some people are just good at being married

It’s like those men who have wives that die of cancer and then suddenly marry 3 months later. I could never understand it - perhaps they were already seeing these women while their wives have cancer, or perhaps they just can’t stand not being married

I wasn't surprised that they got married quickly. I was surprised that they were keeping a faux facade on social media making others envy their lives while marriage was falling apart and she was already interested in a potential replacement.

already 'auditioning' replacements. These women were having exit affairs.

Anonymous wrote:I can sort of see why it shocked you but at the same time it shouldn't, because many if not most people don't share their deepest marriage struggles with *anybody* except a therapist or people on anonymous forums.

Its one thing to not share, its another to actively flaunt fake perfection while planning for divorce and finding new guy. Just stay quiet, why lie?

Anonymous wrote:I'll be one of those that shock you. My husband isn't a bad guy and there's no cheating but I've been carrying too much for too long. Despite my pleas, despite lots of counseling, my husband hasn't been a good partner.

Our marriage has died because of a 1,000 cuts. I recognized when our youngest was in HS that nothing would change. Having to carry so much has killed my love for my husband. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who feels the way I do about my husband. It's not like I'm hostile but just that I have accepted that my role is disproportionately responsible for the family and that once our youngest leaves for college, I will be free to pursue a more fulfilling life. I'm biding my time. I have no problem being in social/family situations with my husband. We're civil/polite. The ties that bind us are nearly broken.

Why don't you just drop the load right now? What's stopping you? Your HS kid can pick up the slack. DH can fend for himself. Why don't you act instead of ask?