Anonymous wrote:You sound miserable, OP.

Please do your husband a favor and divorce him; he deserves so much better.

So, an enabling partner who will think he’s amazing for doing 5 minutes of work, while she does everything else. Got it.

I can relate to this OP. I’m sorry your husband doesn’t try to do better despite you expressing this to him. It’s a very common problem and both of you need to want it to improve.

I feel you, OP. I'm probably further down the road than you. Been married 25+ years and our youngest is in HS. My DH isn't a bad guy but, despite my best efforts, tons of counseling, clear requests, immediate/appropriate feedback, he's not a partner. I've carried too much for too long and expect to divorce after our youngest graduates.

A lot of our problems, I believe, can be attributed to his unmanaged ADHD. He was diagnosed 20+ years ago after one of our kids was. He knows how to manage it (we've got 2 kids with it). He just won't or won't consistently do so. I now recognize that will never change.

I recognize he chooses not hear me. It's something we talk a lot about in counseling. I'm not saying it any differently in counseling. But there's something about saying it in front of the counselor that makes a difference. Yet, he can't tell me why it's different or what I could have done differently to get my message across.

There's no cheating or abuse but this is not the life I want, it's not a life that's good for me. I recognize (finally) that he will never carry his share and that if I want my life to be different, I need to move in a direction without him. I also recognize that I am not a good person for him to live with. I'm hurt, resentful, no longer able to be a caring partner and have lost respect for myself and him. I'm no longer willing to go to counseling. I see no point in it. I'm sure he'll be surprised when I move out.

Anonymous wrote:While you OP (a woman) are fine going sexless, be advised that men don't do that. So he is 100% most definitely getting sex elsewhere. But do carry on with your perfect sexless (for you) marriage OP.

Believe me, this is not 100% definite. It’s not that simple or easy to “get it elsewhere”.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so sorry for your husband. You clearly do not love him. Why on earth would you do anything to please you?

He shouldn’t be taking care of his own children and household to “please her”. He should be doing it because he’s a grown ass adult.

+1. He should absolutely be taking care of his own kids no matter what she does or doesn't do.

And she shouldn't be getting involved with him romantically because he's taking care of his kids. She should be doing it because he's theoretically the person she loves best in the world and who she swore to be with forever.

Sure, but even if you don’t feel like being a good parent or a good spouse, you should still try to fake it.

having sex when you don't feel like it seems a bit rapey, or like duty sex. Gross.

On the other hand, I do "duty parenting" all the time!

Right? You ask your kid about their day and play candy land and all of that stuff even when you don’t want to. Why not just do the same for your spouse?
Just sort of be nice and “catch them being good” and do the stuff they like to do sometimes?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so sorry for your husband. You clearly do not love him. Why on earth would you do anything to please you?

He shouldn’t be taking care of his own children and household to “please her”. He should be doing it because he’s a grown ass adult.

+1. He should absolutely be taking care of his own kids no matter what she does or doesn't do.

And she shouldn't be getting involved with him romantically because he's taking care of his kids. She should be doing it because he's theoretically the person she loves best in the world and who she swore to be with forever.

Sure, but even if you don’t feel like being a good parent or a good spouse, you should still try to fake it.

having sex when you don't feel like it seems a bit rapey, or like duty sex. Gross.

On the other hand, I do "duty parenting" all the time!

Anonymous wrote:While you OP (a woman) are fine going sexless, be advised that men don't do that. So he is 100% most definitely getting sex elsewhere. But do carry on with your perfect sexless (for you) marriage OP.

Looooool you think women are just throwing themselves at pot-bellied mid-40s men with sour attitudes? I mean … maybe if he pays for it …

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so sorry for your husband. You clearly do not love him. Why on earth would you do anything to please you?

He shouldn’t be taking care of his own children and household to “please her”. He should be doing it because he’s a grown ass adult.

+1. He should absolutely be taking care of his own kids no matter what she does or doesn't do.

And she shouldn't be getting involved with him romantically because he's taking care of his kids. She should be doing it because he's theoretically the person she loves best in the world and who she swore to be with forever.

Sure, but even if you don’t feel like being a good parent or a good spouse, you should still try to fake it.

having sex when you don't feel like it seems a bit rapey, or like duty sex. Gross.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so sorry for your husband. You clearly do not love him. Why on earth would you do anything to please you?

He shouldn’t be taking care of his own children and household to “please her”. He should be doing it because he’s a grown ass adult.

+1. He should absolutely be taking care of his own kids no matter what she does or doesn't do.

And she shouldn't be getting involved with him romantically because he's taking care of his kids. She should be doing it because he's theoretically the person she loves best in the world and who she swore to be with forever.

Sure, but even if you don’t feel like being a good parent or a good spouse, you should still try to fake it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so sorry for your husband. You clearly do not love him. Why on earth would you do anything to please you?

He shouldn’t be taking care of his own children and household to “please her”. He should be doing it because he’s a grown ass adult.

+1. He should absolutely be taking care of his own kids no matter what she does or doesn't do.

And she shouldn't be getting involved with him romantically because he's taking care of his kids. She should be doing it because he's theoretically the person she loves best in the world and who she swore to be with forever.

You sounds like my friend’s situation. If I could shake my friend a bit (and also her DH is sometimes just a crappy person, so it’s not all in her control), but I degress. If I could wake her up
-do you want to be married to him? Yes or no is fine. But wake up, if you still want to be married in a few years. You’ve got your routines. You’re too tired to shake things up with him, but you have to
-stop taking so many trips apart
-are you drinking more? Please say that it’s under control and isn’t related to emotions around this.
-date night once per week. That’s more of a him problem though. I’d suggest it. And if he absolutely refuses as though he’s sickened to keep up that kind of routine, I’d be out. No more excuses. It’s like exercise, you can’t just give up entirely and coast. To him: “just go! Don’t be a baby. People fought in wars, you can go out with your wife weekly, or maybe you can’t survive that?”
-on the trips thing, book something for just the two of you. Leave babies with grandma.

I feel like I have more to say. That is what comes to mind right away.

While you OP (a woman) are fine going sexless, be advised that men don't do that. So he is 100% most definitely getting sex elsewhere. But do carry on with your perfect sexless (for you) marriage OP.

Anonymous wrote:I feel so sorry for your husband. You clearly do not love him. Why on earth would you do anything to please you?

He shouldn’t be taking care of his own children and household to “please her”. He should be doing it because he’s a grown ass adult.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard to be a jerk to someone who loves you completely and unconditionally.

If he’s a good enough guy to want him around your kids, then he probably will try and do what you want if he feels that you love and respect him.

Why don’t you just try acting like a loving wife for a week and see how it goes. Be the kind of wife that you hope your son will have one day.

maybe she would be more loving if he was more of a man and father.

It’s not really about him. It’s about showing your kids what a kind and loving spouse looks like. If he’s not going to do it, she can.

That's right.. show your son how he can be a bum and let his wife do everything.

I have a DS and DD. DH teaches our son to be a good father and man. I feel sorry for OP's kids because they see what a lackluster father they have.

My father said his father was basically a bum, and his mother did everything. That stuck with him till her death when she was in her 80s.

I mean, she could try to change the dynamic in their marriage so that they are both nice to each other and her husband does more around the house. Or she could at least be like, “this is how your wife should treat you because this is how wives treat their husbands.”

Or she can keep doing this where her kids learn that one person in the marriage is the bum, and one is a martyr who treats the other with contempt, and the kids can decide which partner they want to be.

what makes you think OP wasn't nice in the beginning when her lazy DH was slacking off? You are assuming he became this way because she was mean to him.

He needs to grow up. He has kids. No matter how she treats him he should parent and take care of his kids. He's an immature man/boy, and most women don't aren't attracted to immature men.

Because that’s how human beings work?
I mean, some people are psychopaths, and some people are raised in a culture where the women wait on the men, but since OP’s husband is neither, he will probably respond well to her treating him well.

So.. OP is probably tired and stressed, but she should still be the first to treat her lazy husband well because he's a man child? On top of her doing everything she now has to be nice to her lazy husband just so that he *might* pick up more slack at home.

Jeez. I'd rather be single. Thankfully, my DH is nothing like OP's husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard to be a jerk to someone who loves you completely and unconditionally.

If he’s a good enough guy to want him around your kids, then he probably will try and do what you want if he feels that you love and respect him.

Why don’t you just try acting like a loving wife for a week and see how it goes. Be the kind of wife that you hope your son will have one day.

maybe she would be more loving if he was more of a man and father.

It’s not really about him. It’s about showing your kids what a kind and loving spouse looks like. If he’s not going to do it, she can.

That's right.. show your son how he can be a bum and let his wife do everything.

I have a DS and DD. DH teaches our son to be a good father and man. I feel sorry for OP's kids because they see what a lackluster father they have.

My father said his father was basically a bum, and his mother did everything. That stuck with him till her death when she was in her 80s.

I mean, she could try to change the dynamic in their marriage so that they are both nice to each other and her husband does more around the house. Or she could at least be like, “this is how your wife should treat you because this is how wives treat their husbands.”

Or she can keep doing this where her kids learn that one person in the marriage is the bum, and one is a martyr who treats the other with contempt, and the kids can decide which partner they want to be.

what makes you think OP wasn't nice in the beginning when her lazy DH was slacking off? You are assuming he became this way because she was mean to him.

He needs to grow up. He has kids. No matter how she treats him he should parent and take care of his kids. He's an immature man/boy, and most women don't aren't attracted to immature men.

Because that’s how human beings work?
I mean, some people are psychopaths, and some people are raised in a culture where the women wait on the men, but since OP’s husband is neither, he will probably respond well to her treating him well.