Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you an academic? Because you’ve just described a pretty common scenario is academic hiring. It is gross and inappropriate and unfortunately way too typical.

Yes, it would be academic (coming from govt contracting). I thought this (state) university, being as liberal as it is, would not have tolerance for this.

OP slow your roll. It’s fine that you disliked his approach, but it’s a totally different organizational culture. He did *nothing* to suggest he wanted an improper relationship with you - not unless you left something major out. Just turn down the job and move on.

He did. When he was driving me back to my hotel at one point, he brought up undergrads having sex in the building. My experience, as a woman being hit on by creepy men with no game, is that they’ll bring up sex as a way to open the door. When he dropped me off at my hotel at the end of the visit, and was parked outside in the dark, with just the two of us in the car, he offered me the job and said something that made me think he was open to more.

I was trying to not be DCUM click bait by providing all of the details.

Yes, I share your instincts and this is super creepy, and he has sex on his mind (clearly). Also, i realize that I've put up with this from male bosses in the past for jobs that I really wanted (an editor and a publisher), and it was a dance to try to kpee the job, not damage their ego, and never be put in a compromising 1:1 situation. so gross. I'm middle-aged now and self-employed, so I have some distance from it and I'm not sure what I would have done differently. why do women have to put up with so many creeps.

NP. I'm sorry OP he sounds like a scumbag. Just because he didn't outright proposition you or assault you doesn’t mean there weren't red flags. He is clearly pushing boundaries where he can with the late night texts and random sex comments but he's smart enough to not make a big move on the freaking interview so that people will react how they are reacting. "Oh, it's totally normal to have lunch out!" I just want wanted to validate you OP. I'd be super super uncomfortable with the last minute nature of it, the pressure, etc. The fact that he started hinting he would revoke his verbal offer if you don't respond quickly enough to his personal texts shows where his head is. I definitely see it escalating if you take the job. Lots of invites to his home for parties, wine, adult talk. He's not going to come out and say sleep with me or else but you'll subtly notice you're not getting the plum assignments if you're not "social" enough, but by then you've already moved, etc.

I just don't see HR doing anything for you. It's like you've got almost, but not quite, enough for an EEO complaint.

OP, I'm really curious. How old are you?

How much would you be interacting with this person for this job?

That is their culture. Weird. So what? Don’t work there

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you an academic? Because you’ve just described a pretty common scenario is academic hiring. It is gross and inappropriate and unfortunately way too typical.

Yes, it would be academic (coming from govt contracting). I thought this (state) university, being as liberal as it is, would not have tolerance for this.

Academia is very behind the times in general when it comes to things like this.

That’s disappointing to hear. But thank you.

Anonymous wrote:If you do want to share information with HR, just make sure you have a few clear points with concrete examples/evidence to support each.

I understand this post was an emotional mind dump and that's totally fine. But, even though I totally can see and understand why someone insisting on picking you up at the airport feels intrusive, that's not going to be very compelling on paper.

How much would this person be in your day to day if you took the job?

Aside, I would HATE being asked to eat 3 meals with one person. I don't eat breakfast ever and am pretty clear about that anytime anyone askes!

Thanks. And yeah, I woke up pretty early and had to wait hours to eat breakfast. And it was the stupid breakfast from the hotel, which I totally could have gotten on my own.

He would be my direct supervisor, I assume daily since he doesn’t seem like a hands-off kind of guy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you an academic? Because you’ve just described a pretty common scenario is academic hiring. It is gross and inappropriate and unfortunately way too typical.

Yes, it would be academic (coming from govt contracting). I thought this (state) university, being as liberal as it is, would not have tolerance for this.

Academia is very behind the times in general when it comes to things like this.

If you do want to share information with HR, just make sure you have a few clear points with concrete examples/evidence to support each.

I understand this post was an emotional mind dump and that's totally fine. But, even though I totally can see and understand why someone insisting on picking you up at the airport feels intrusive, that's not going to be very compelling on paper.

How much would this person be in your day to day if you took the job?

Aside, I would HATE being asked to eat 3 meals with one person. I don't eat breakfast ever and am pretty clear about that anytime anyone askes!

Anonymous wrote:OP, is/was there an opportunity to speak with other females in the department and gauge for what it’s like to work for him?

No. Oddly enough, the trip was planned when some of them would be out of town (some even going to another university for training during those days). He picked the dates. I like to think that was a coincidence. Either way, he did not let me out of his sight so unless I were to run into someone in the bathroom, there was no opportunity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP wants the job without the boss, but you’ll probably have to wait for him to retire for that to happen. The only thing you’ve shared that was maybe bordering on inappropriate was talking about undergrads having sex, but you were uncomfortable long before that. I don’t find anything else you’ve shared that unusual at all.

+1 They should’ve sent you the itinerary earlier than the night before, but interviewing candidates often takes a backseat to day-to-day work and it sounds like he was working late into the night when he finally had time to think about the plan. I’m not sure why lots of one-on-one time with a potential boss is an issue. The whole point of you traveling there is to have time and opportunity to see if it’s a good fit for you. Clearly it’s not. Oh well, no dream job for you.

I would think an admin would have sent the itinerary? The admin is the one who arranged the travel. I thought it was weird that it came from him. And yes, had it been sent sooner, I could have tried to negotiate for less time with just him (more time with colleagues would have been fine).

OP, is/was there an opportunity to speak with other females in the department and gauge for what it’s like to work for him?

Anonymous wrote:How long will he be your potential boss? I had a similar experience interviewing for a tenure track job a few years ago. There were tons of red flags about the department chair’s lack of boundaries (gossiping about colleagues during the 1-on-1, lack of respect for boundaries around time and communication, slight racial microagressions). I took the job though because I knew she would only be chair for one year and would have less direct impact over my workflow after that.

I think someone said that he may just do another two years or so. But there’s no way to make sure that happens. And a lot can happen in those two years.

How long will he be your potential boss? I had a similar experience interviewing for a tenure track job a few years ago. There were tons of red flags about the department chair’s lack of boundaries (gossiping about colleagues during the 1-on-1, lack of respect for boundaries around time and communication, slight racial microagressions). I took the job though because I knew she would only be chair for one year and would have less direct impact over my workflow after that.

Anonymous wrote:OP wants the job without the boss, but you’ll probably have to wait for him to retire for that to happen. The only thing you’ve shared that was maybe bordering on inappropriate was talking about undergrads having sex, but you were uncomfortable long before that. I don’t find anything else you’ve shared that unusual at all.

+1 They should’ve sent you the itinerary earlier than the night before, but interviewing candidates often takes a backseat to day-to-day work and it sounds like he was working late into the night when he finally had time to think about the plan. I’m not sure why lots of one-on-one time with a potential boss is an issue. The whole point of you traveling there is to have time and opportunity to see if it’s a good fit for you. Clearly it’s not. Oh well, no dream job for you.