I don’t think homecoming is a big deal at all. Not having friends is a bigger deal. If your kid is on 2 varsity sport teams, he has teammates he interacts with and probably has lots of acquaintances.

I would try to be as social as possible in the pta, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate that my kid's school doesn't have a homecoming dance. Some county schools do and some don't. Not sure how that works.

It’s stupid. All about the football players. I’m glad there was no such thing in the Boston area where I grew up. And king and queen? Stupidest part of the whole thing.

To the OP, I would take a three day weekend with the family and go somewhere fun.

huh? Homecoming is definitely a thing in the Boston area. I grew up there and we definitely had it.

You’re right. I was only thinking of metro west schools where there aren’t any homecoming dances. Thanksgiving weekend was when everyone who graduated went to the game. Informal groups got together.

What area has them?

We live in the metro-west area right now and my kid is going to Homecoming in 2 weeks. Homecoming is much different than the reunion / rivalry football weekend of Thanksgiving.

Can you travel that weekend? If your kid is feeling left out, perhaps give him something special to forward to. For example, my kid doesn’t have many friends but loves to visit his godparents in Boston, go to NY by train for a show, etc. so I’d likely arrange for something like that.

Just from what I’ve observed with my own teenagers, and those of their friends, I have a few thoughts.

He needs a gateway friend. It’s a certain type of kid. A kid who is very extroverted and looking for lots of friends, someone who may be slightly annoying to others but usually aggressive about making connections, and gets turned down a lot. Let me tell you this is the friend to make bc they will connect your kid to lots of new people. I have a reserved daughter but she has had several versions of this friend over the years and makes other friends through them constantly. Try to steer his rare social requests towards kids like this even if he also finds them a bit annoying.

He may be trying to connect with kids who aren’t in his social standing. I know it’s incredibly stupid, but it’s the reality of high school. Trying to hang out with kids either too cool or too nerdy usually doesn’t pan out. They are too insecure of going outside their boxes at this age - it won’t matter in college luckily.

Most teenage boys unless they have a niche hobby are into one or more of these things and that’s what they connect on: sports, online gaming, partying or dating/rizzing up girls. Sounds like probably only sports is where he can connect so following big teams is probably a good idea - trying to get in on a fantasy league at school is an idea.

Not having social media is probably a mistake at least for the purpose of friendships. Many teens make initial casual connections to classmates through Snapchat, they can text and become more familiar before they reach out for in person hang outs. They have a presence, become a known person in the social scene at school, it leads to being considered during invites. I hate social media too and understand it’s pitfalls but it’s been the bridge to new friendships for my daughter and her friends, being truthful. Having no friends isn’t healthy either so something to consider.

Anonymous wrote:I hate this time of year. My DS has zero friends (I have posted about this many times) and I just hate, hate, hate this time of year when Homecoming is at hand and my DS has yet another thing to miss out on. He has asked a few acquaintances if they are going and they told him no (probably not true). Just venting because I get so sad hearing/seeing all the Homecoming prep and photos and knowing how much by DS struggles even trying to make any friends let alone having some right-of-passage type event to go to.

Both of my DDs only went their freshman years. Older DD is in college and didn't go to her proms either. She had no desire to go. My younger DD is a junior this year, not sure if she will go to her prom or not. It doesn't seem like a big deal anymore. Both of my DDs have friends and play high school sports. It seems like a lot of kids these days don't feel pressured to do things because it is supposed to be a part of their high school experience.

Is your DS part of any school clubs? I know our high school has so many clubs. That may be a place where he could connect with kids with similar interests.

Anonymous wrote:Do teens these days really care about this?

Well if you read the thread, you would see many do not.

Schools are so big and that even if half the kids don’t attend, another half are there enjoying themselves. I live in an area where there’s not much for teens to do, so these sort of events are a rare time when they can get together late at night with a concentrated number of peers.

Do teens these days really care about this?

OP I’m very sorry for your situation. My DD had very lonely 8th and 9th grade years because we moved and it was extremely difficult for her to make new friends. She ate lunch alone for TWO YEARS. I still feel sad when I think about it.

I have a few ideas that might be helpful. One is to consider hosting an exchange student. We hosted one for two weeks even though we have a tiny house and our family of 3 shares one bathroom. But I know some families will host for an entire school year. It’s not necessarily a built in friend, but it will give your child something to look forward to, and social experiences that they wouldn’t otherwise have.
My other suggestion is to look ahead at the school calendar and plan weekend getaways or other activities during big school events. On the weekend of freshman prom my DD and I went to NYC and saw a show. This was a Christmas gift to her, and was planned months in advance. It took a lot of pressure away from DD since she knew she had something important scheduled and “couldn’t” go to prom.
My ideas might seem extreme, but having a lonely teenager is no joke.
Best of luck to you and your son!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate this time of year. My DS has zero friends (I have posted about this many times) and I just hate, hate, hate this time of year when Homecoming is at hand and my DS has yet another thing to miss out on. He has asked a few acquaintances if they are going and they told him no (probably not true). Just venting because I get so sad hearing/seeing all the Homecoming prep and photos and knowing how much by DS struggles even trying to make any friends let alone having some right-of-passage type event to go to.

Homecoming is a minor thing. A major thing is your child has no friends no matter what time of year it is. Focus on that.

NP—but it’s annoying how flippant you are about OP’s predicament.
Sounds like OP’s DS doesn’t have friends and of course that’s a concern. But the big spectacle that is homecoming tends to highlight when one doesn’t have a “group” to hang with.
Her DS probably doesn’t eat lunch alone. And has enough people at school who are friendly to him so that it’s not a huge issue on a daily basis for casual social interaction. But when kids get together to firm homecoming groups, her DS isn’t included and it sucks for him. And it’s hard for OP to watch.
I have compassion for your OP. It’s just a part of parenting that hurts.

Well said, PP. My kid doesn't particularly like the "dance" part of it. But getting dressed up, going to dinner, and pics with friends is important. And I don't think mine will be asked this year (for a bunch of reasons that are for another post). Kid is friendly with many but doesn't have a firm "group."

The entire dance, and esp. the King and Queen thing, was repulsive to me back in the olden days and I can't believe it's still a thing.

Anonymous wrote:Would love input on how to help him. Don't want to give too many details to out myself but I myself have connections in the community so it's not that I am absent from the situation. I encourage DS to invite other kids who seem like a good fit to do things. For instance, if I see other quiet, seemingly nice kids at school who he knows, I encourage him to see if they want to come over or go see a movie, whatever. I encourage him to connect with kids he has known in the past who seem like nice, genuine kids. He either does not do it or asks, and the kids blow him off. Last year, he had kids over on three occasions to play bball, hang, etc. and no one ever reciprocated. I would love non-judgmental insight into what more I can do. When I am at the sports events, he is fully integrated into the groups but that is where it ends. I am at a loss about what more I can do to help.

This sounds like me in HS. I had acquaintances and people were nice, but I didn't really have any friends. I was kind of shy and really blossomed in college and in my early 20s. Looking back, HS wasn't bad for me. I do kind of wish it was different, but there wasn't anything my parents could have done for me. The best thing was just to make sure our home life was good and that we have fun family things to do. I also got a job in HS and that helped me fill the time (plus I liked having money).

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. That is really hard.

I kind of dislike it as well. My kids will go but there are always parties that kids are either invited (or not invited) to. There's drinking and sex in the midst (or not).
There is the silliness of asking a date (or not).
It was fun freshman year because it was a novelty but now sort of feels like a (stressful) obligation to the kids.

My kids go to single gender schools which I think makes this worse because they don't have friends of the opposite gender in their respective grades.
I think if they were at coed schools they would just go as friends in coed groups and it would be no stress.

I teach at a single sex school. Maybe 1/4 of our girls bring dates. I know many parents who are worried about what it means that their daughter is going with female friends. It means that they've discovered that they'll have more fun that way. That's all.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. I blame the internet for turning this into a thing for you, and likely for others. I didn't go to my junior prom, for different reasons, and I didn't have to see pics of anyone or hear much about it and that was that. But now we all see pics of everyone else and hear about it on text threads and it's a lot!

I agree with the idea of doing something different--maybe even take a little road trip if you can afford it. Go someplace pretty; see a play or a sporting event or walk in a new area of town. If you can't do the thing you want, want the thing you're doing.

I second this idea. If you can swing it, get out of town. Go see some colleges or go camping or anything. It doesn’t fix the underlying problem but it might also be a nice way for the two of you to spend some time together before he leaves the nest.

Anonymous wrote:Would love input on how to help him. Don't want to give too many details to out myself but I myself have connections in the community so it's not that I am absent from the situation. I encourage DS to invite other kids who seem like a good fit to do things. For instance, if I see other quiet, seemingly nice kids at school who he knows, I encourage him to see if they want to come over or go see a movie, whatever. I encourage him to connect with kids he has known in the past who seem like nice, genuine kids. He either does not do it or asks, and the kids blow him off. Last year, he had kids over on three occasions to play bball, hang, etc. and no one ever reciprocated. I would love non-judgmental insight into what more I can do. When I am at the sports events, he is fully integrated into the groups but that is where it ends. I am at a loss about what more I can do to help.

Therapy and/or social skills group

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. I feel like homecoming is barely even a thing now. My kids don't really care about it.

This. My son is like why would I go to that? My daughter went as a freshman and thought it was awful. I wouldn’t assume his friends are lying. And get off social media.

+1. Life is better without social media.

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. I feel like homecoming is barely even a thing now. My kids don't really care about it.

This. My son is like why would I go to that? My daughter went as a freshman and thought it was awful. I wouldn’t assume his friends are lying. And get off social media.