Anonymous
Post 09/13/2023 14:01     Subject: Handling fancy destination wedding with small kids
-Welcome party: attend briefly with the kids. Bow out early while DH stays.
-Friday night: your parents watch the one year old. You, DH, and the older kid attend rehearsal and dinner. Post-rehearsal dinner party is just excessive. Maybe send DH, but no need for you all to attend.
-Wedding day: ask your parents to watch the one year old. DH be fully responsible for the older kid who's in the wedding. You maintain fexibility to switch off with your parents whenever you're not actively needed (for make up, photos, and ceremony). You step back during reception to be with your kids and parents while DH does his duty.
-Brunch: bring the kids and enjoy.

+1 EXCEPT I would get a local babysitter for the actual wedding/reception. I know you said you aren't comfortable but you can ask the bride/groom (or groom's mom) for help getting a local contact.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2023 13:59     Subject: Handling fancy destination wedding with small kids
Anonymous wrote:We have been in this exact situation and my parents (who were also invited) stepped up and skipped events or left events early to watch kids as needed.

Are they not willing to do that OP? How close are they to the couple?


The thinking behind inviting the in-laws probably was child care.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2023 13:54     Subject: Handling fancy destination wedding with small kids
Why not bring the kids to all the events?
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2023 13:53     Subject: Handling fancy destination wedding with small kids
We have been in this exact situation and my parents (who were also invited) stepped up and skipped events or left events early to watch kids as needed.

Are they not willing to do that OP? How close are they to the couple?
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2023 13:51     Subject: Re:Handling fancy destination wedding with small kids
We've brought our nanny. The nanny tires them out before they need to sit still, stays with them during nap time, and whisks them out when they can't stay quiet or need a diaper change or something. It's great!
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2023 13:46     Subject: Handling fancy destination wedding with small kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Could you fly out one of your parents for this role?


They are also invited to the wedding.


I think PP meant in laws.


Yes, my parents (DH’s in laws) are also invited to the wedding and all associated events.


I think the best option is for them to decline and one to come to be the nanny, or for you to bring the nanny. Expensive? Yes. Annoying? Yes. But this is not that different from buying plane tickets for your kids or another hotel room or whatever. They need what they need, and right now it’s constant supervision. You can always decline to attend or let your husband attend and you stay with the kids. But if you want to make it happen (which makes sense because it’s close family), there’s no way out of the expense of what your family requires to travel.


The parents can also tag team and attend some of the events each. Their invitation was nice, but not crucial to the in-laws.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2023 13:21     Subject: Handling fancy destination wedding with small kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What are all these events that you can't bring the kids? You've only mentioned the brunch besides the wedding itself. Why can't the kid sit with any of the grandparents during the ceremony? And you can watch the kids yourself at the brunch. What else is going on?


- Welcome party on Thursday night
- Rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, post-rehearsal dinner party on Friday night. For close family and friends, there is also a lunch on Friday (for the women) and separate activity for the guys.
- Ceremony, reception, after party on Saturday night. During the day on Saturday, DH and I will be with the wedding party because we’re in the wedding. So for me I assume that means hair/makeup starting sometime mid-morning, plus photos at some point etc.
- Big brunch on Sunday morning for all wedding guests


I think you just muddle through it all with the kids in tow. With your parents there, they can trade off watching kids while you eat and chat. Then you leave early from the events with the kids. Really, you just need to put in an appearance with the kids at every event, then you can bow out and leave your DH there. My guess is they mainly want to see him anyway. Doubt anyone will notice if you miss the post-rehearsal party etc.

the only exception is the wedding ceremony. for that, I think you do need a solid plan for your parents or other sitter to watch kids while you do makeup and photos.

really with your parents there, this is doable albeit stressful!
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2023 13:15     Subject: Handling fancy destination wedding with small kids
Anonymous wrote:Assuming you are in the DC area OP, but what state is the wedding? Do you have a time change too?


It’s a two hour time difference.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2023 13:11     Subject: Handling fancy destination wedding with small kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What are all these events that you can't bring the kids? You've only mentioned the brunch besides the wedding itself. Why can't the kid sit with any of the grandparents during the ceremony? And you can watch the kids yourself at the brunch. What else is going on?


- Welcome party on Thursday night
- Rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, post-rehearsal dinner party on Friday night. For close family and friends, there is also a lunch on Friday (for the women) and separate activity for the guys.
- Ceremony, reception, after party on Saturday night. During the day on Saturday, DH and I will be with the wedding party because we’re in the wedding. So for me I assume that means hair/makeup starting sometime mid-morning, plus photos at some point etc.
- Big brunch on Sunday morning for all wedding guests


-Welcome party: attend briefly with the kids. Bow out early while DH stays.
-Friday night: your parents watch the one year old. You, DH, and the older kid attend rehearsal and dinner. Post-rehearsal dinner party is just excessive. Maybe send DH, but no need for you all to attend.
-Wedding day: ask your parents to watch the one year old. DH be fully responsible for the older kid who's in the wedding. You maintain fexibility to switch off with your parents whenever you're not actively needed (for make up, photos, and ceremony). You step back during reception to be with your kids and parents while DH does his duty.
-Brunch: bring the kids and enjoy.

This is assuming your parents are up to it. Mine would be and my mom would actually insist on it.
I would also be very clear about their expectations: you're parents to very young kids and even with help, you cannot party like a non-parent anymore. If they have issues with it, they can pound sand.


+1

I know big, celebratory families that have huge weddings, that are always genuine (not forced) fun, with tons of before and after parties, but none of it is considered obligatory!

Have brides and grooms always been this demanding?


Or is it the type of dysfunctional family that will blame OP, if OP is unable to attend?


So people moan when kids aren't invited to the wedding because who will watch the kids? Then they complain when kids are invited, because who will watch the kids? You watch your own kids, or ask for parental help, or leave the events as needed. The kids are not the main event, nobody really cares if they are there, come and go as needed. Skip some events, make an appearance, leave early, what's the big deal?
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2023 13:06     Subject: Handling fancy destination wedding with small kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What are all these events that you can't bring the kids? You've only mentioned the brunch besides the wedding itself. Why can't the kid sit with any of the grandparents during the ceremony? And you can watch the kids yourself at the brunch. What else is going on?


Sounds like a blast. OP can be the only parent on duty in a strange place with toddlers for 4 days while DH hangs with his family. You know someone will call her out if she asks for someone to watch the kids while she uses the restroom. And she can then get more crap for when the kids melt down in their itchy party dress, or stick their finger in the cupcake display, or get cranky when they’re up behind their bedtime (because everyone begs to keep the kids awake).


Wow. Welcome to parenthood. Life isn't a party anymore.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2023 12:34     Subject: Handling fancy destination wedding with small kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What are all these events that you can't bring the kids? You've only mentioned the brunch besides the wedding itself. Why can't the kid sit with any of the grandparents during the ceremony? And you can watch the kids yourself at the brunch. What else is going on?


- Welcome party on Thursday night
- Rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, post-rehearsal dinner party on Friday night. For close family and friends, there is also a lunch on Friday (for the women) and separate activity for the guys.
- Ceremony, reception, after party on Saturday night. During the day on Saturday, DH and I will be with the wedding party because we’re in the wedding. So for me I assume that means hair/makeup starting sometime mid-morning, plus photos at some point etc.
- Big brunch on Sunday morning for all wedding guests


-Welcome party: attend briefly with the kids. Bow out early while DH stays.
-Friday night: your parents watch the one year old. You, DH, and the older kid attend rehearsal and dinner. Post-rehearsal dinner party is just excessive. Maybe send DH, but no need for you all to attend.
-Wedding day: ask your parents to watch the one year old. DH be fully responsible for the older kid who's in the wedding. You maintain fexibility to switch off with your parents whenever you're not actively needed (for make up, photos, and ceremony). You step back during reception to be with your kids and parents while DH does his duty.
-Brunch: bring the kids and enjoy.

This is assuming your parents are up to it. Mine would be and my mom would actually insist on it.
I would also be very clear about their expectations: you're parents to very young kids and even with help, you cannot party like a non-parent anymore. If they have issues with it, they can pound sand.


+1

I know big, celebratory families that have huge weddings, that are always genuine (not forced) fun, with tons of before and after parties, but none of it is considered obligatory!

Have brides and grooms always been this demanding?


Or is it the type of dysfunctional family that will blame OP, if OP is unable to attend?
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2023 12:33     Subject: Handling fancy destination wedding with small kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What are all these events that you can't bring the kids? You've only mentioned the brunch besides the wedding itself. Why can't the kid sit with any of the grandparents during the ceremony? And you can watch the kids yourself at the brunch. What else is going on?


- Welcome party on Thursday night
- Rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, post-rehearsal dinner party on Friday night. For close family and friends, there is also a lunch on Friday (for the women) and separate activity for the guys.
- Ceremony, reception, after party on Saturday night. During the day on Saturday, DH and I will be with the wedding party because we’re in the wedding. So for me I assume that means hair/makeup starting sometime mid-morning, plus photos at some point etc.
- Big brunch on Sunday morning for all wedding guests


-Welcome party: attend briefly with the kids. Bow out early while DH stays.
-Friday night: your parents watch the one year old. You, DH, and the older kid attend rehearsal and dinner. Post-rehearsal dinner party is just excessive. Maybe send DH, but no need for you all to attend.
-Wedding day: ask your parents to watch the one year old. DH be fully responsible for the older kid who's in the wedding. You maintain fexibility to switch off with your parents whenever you're not actively needed (for make up, photos, and ceremony). You step back during reception to be with your kids and parents while DH does his duty.
-Brunch: bring the kids and enjoy.

This is assuming your parents are up to it. Mine would be and my mom would actually insist on it.
I would also be very clear about their expectations: you're parents to very young kids and even with help, you cannot party like a non-parent anymore. If they have issues with it, they can pound sand.


+1

I know big, celebratory families that have huge weddings, that are always genuine (not forced) fun, with tons of before and after parties, but none of it is considered obligatory!

Have brides and grooms always been this demanding?
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2023 12:29     Subject: Handling fancy destination wedding with small kids
I've been in this situation and my parents helped. At Dh's siblings' wedding, DH's parents were furious that my parents were watching the kids. They wanted them at the wedding and wanted us to watch them instead at the reception. We had thought they didn't want my kids since they weren't flower girls/ring bearers. You can't really win, I guess.

I have this situation coming up again and I'm so annoyed that my parents were also invited. They don't even know the wedding couple. It makes it really hard to get a sitter in a new destination city. Our plan is that DH stays back with the kids until my parents leave the wedding (which they will- super early, which is why you shouldn't invite people you don't know to your wedding...) and then my parents watch the kids to the end.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2023 12:26     Subject: Handling fancy destination wedding with small kids
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for all of the helpful responses and suggestions. We do want to make this work because, as others have noted, this is DH’s brother! For reasons I won’t get into, the only family DH has is his parents and his brother, plus some distant cousins who almost certainly won’t come. So our (or even my) absence from the events would be significant, and we want to be as present as possible.


I understand your and DH's desire to be there for your BIL, but not at the expense of your own family's comfort (financial and physical) and sanity. And what most of us are saying is, this couple's multi day plans are excessive. You're BIL's family, not indentured servants. There has to be some give and take and some flexibility.

Also, will the couple be expecting a lot of their friends? Does the bride have a huge family? I still do not understand why it's so critical that you AND your DH be there for all these events as if there won't be many others? And if it's a small crowd why so many events in the first place?!
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2023 12:23     Subject: Handling fancy destination wedding with small kids
Assuming you are in the DC area OP, but what state is the wedding? Do you have a time change too?