If he’s still eating well then is he making a lot of trips to the bathroom? IBS, Chrohns, E. coli, etc could be possibilities. I hope it’s not cancer OP. Over what time span was weight loss?

Anonymous wrote:For my dad this was pancreatic cancer. He died within two weeks of diagnosis in 2020.

Yes but ops husband has been losing weight for a while now. Wouldn’t the other symptoms of pancan have presented by now? It’s pretty quick from my understanding (like a few months).

If there are any digestive issues or diabetics in his family I would bet it’s something of that nature. Especially if his energy levels are the same and he’s not having any other issues. Or parasite.

Op here — thank you for all the suggestions.

The bigger issue is that he does not respect or trust doctors. His mom has had digestive issues for many, many years. Doctors never had a solution for her. She eats the same dang thing every day. However, she looks normal weight. She’s a slight person, but not the skeleton that my DH is becoming.

Anxiety is also an issue but alleviating that likely won’t move the needle (pun not intended). He’s move ambivalent about the situation yet he doesn’t like that food isn’t satiating him or keeping/adding weight. It is a vicious circle, because he won’t go get a diagnosis.

Teens have expressed concern too but that doesn’t matter either. He says it is what it is.

(((sound of my head banging the wall)))

I am talking to in-laws later this week — I just don’t know where they will stand in this. I’m also concerned DH will consider this all hype coming solely from me because there’s not really a way to see the extent of his weight loss. At least with the folks I contacted this weekend, see him IRL.

Anonymous wrote:You said "his" church, implying that you are not a member. Call his priest, minister, pastor, whomever is in leadership, and explain your concerns. Ask him to speak with your husband.

Already did. We are not the same religion.

Anonymous wrote:I would buy life insurance immediately just in case.

You can order lab tests online and get the results sent to you by email. The online company has doctors who order the tests so you never have to see or speak to a doctor. Beg your husband to get a blood test. They even have companies that will go to your house to take the blood. The online labs,l personal labs I think is one, have different package deals like men’s wellness panel.

Hmm. I did not know you could get blood tests at home. He hates needles (part of the white lab coat phobia aspect of this situation). I’ll ask him about this.

You said "his" church, implying that you are not a member. Call his priest, minister, pastor, whomever is in leadership, and explain your concerns. Ask him to speak with your husband.

If he won’t see a doctor could you at least talk him into getting some blood labs done? You can schedule them yourself through LabCorp or a website like personal labs . com and just go in on your own, no doctor visit needed. I have a lot of health issues that need monitoring and prefer to order my own labs every 3 months and then keep my doctors up to date as needed. Get a general men’s health work up and see if anything is off.

For my dad this was pancreatic cancer. He died within two weeks of diagnosis in 2020.

Another option for the anxiety meds is see if you cxan convince him to go to er. There they will start the ball rolling with tests and you can request a psychiatric.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who carries the insurance? Can you tell him that your insurance requires a yearly visit with blood work? (my insurance started offering a reduced rate if we had a yearly workup)

You can only do so much. If it something major, he will eventually end up in the hospital. I would focus on what you can control. Make sure that you have all the necessary documents in order (will, POA, beneficiaries updated).

I would advise "you can only do so much" approach with an difficult elderly parent where eventually having it be too late and ending up on hospice with great pain meds seems far more pleasant than descending eventually to the final stages of dementia with no ability to walk, talk, use bathroom, feed self...having seen both. For someone far younger who has children who are not even adults, and a spouse he has many years to enjoy life with, I would keep trying different avenues-tell parents/get an old college friend involved, etc, etc so if the worst happened I know I tried it all. I see it different than say an addict where you eventually have to let them hit rock bottom. I assume this man is consumed with anxiety to the point of paralysis. Heck, I'd even find out if his doctor would prescrice a few xanex so he can take one and be able to discuss the situation better and than take the others the night before each doctor's appointment.

I agree 100% - this is something you fight for. And anxiety meds or treating it first as a mental health issue might give you a way in. I wonder if you could get him to take a xanax then take him to the ER for evaluation.

How would I get him a Xanax??? We don’t have anything like that in the house, and there is no way I would just slip him something in his food/drink, if that’s what you’re suggesting.

He is less likely to see a therapist than a medical doctor.

No, you don't slip him a xanex you just happen to have anyway. See if you can agree to get him to share with his doctor's office the situation and they might prescribe it so he can deal or call urgent care, explain he is terrified, but willing to come in (if you can get him to take that step) See if they will start the ball rolling with bloodwork and script for xanex to get him through each physician appointment, especially if there is bad news to process.

I’m sorry OP. Does he respond to guilt? I would stress the responsibility he has to his kids to do his best to be around. Tell him he will eventually have to be taken in and it will be worse: he will faint or have trouble with balance or have vomiting/ diarrhea, and then it will be the ER. Better to get a doctor’s appt now even if it is at urgent care. (I know Patient First will act as primary if you don’t have one.)

I’m sorry, OP, that must be so painful and frightening for you. Knowing human nature, especially of wives, please don’t let your worries for him take up all the space where your own self-nurturing and mental health should live as well.

I actually came to the forum today to maybe ask for help with a similarly stubborn person, so I hear you! There has to be some amount of fear driving his refusals, right? Even if he and his family are not the type to seek out regular health care, this is so far into the situation where anyone would normally go to a doctor even if they didn’t get primary care…. I’m assuming he must fear cancer?

FWIW, my father had a similar extreme weight loss with serious fatigue around age 70. He’s always been a beanpole so didn’t have far to go! Of course they were terribly worried about cancer, but in his case it turned out to be diabetes. He eats well and gets a ton of exercise for someone his age, so that was completely out of the blue. He’s had to adjust his diet and he’s on some daily meds, but it was an easy fix and he’s doing great. I had an autoimmune disease in my 20s that led to extreme weight loss. The weight loss was because my immune response made me not want to eat (like when you’re sick), plus there were lung issues that I recently learned somehow burned extra calories on their own (the body is weird and amazing!). In my case, I did have to take some basic chemo (pills, not intravenous), but the put me into remission and I’ve never had a relapse. Other people have mentioned intestinal illnesses that can interfere with getting the nutrition/calories from food. And even with cancer, I know plenty of people who have had cancer in the past but are in remission and doing great. Maybe stressing the many other things it could be could help if he is secretly worried about a horrible future with cancer?

I’ve read “Being Mortal” and have become a fairly serious evangelist of the “let people decide their own path” approach. If he was single, it would be his prerogative to waste away even if that made no logical sense to others. But he’s NOT single, and it’s not fair to ask you and your child to have to just sit back and watch. No doubt you’ve tried to express that already, but maybe the more you make this an issue of you and your child and how it’s paining you both — and not him and what he should do at all, leave that side up to him and just lay out your heartbreak — maybe he’ll come around on his own to taking action as a way of helping you with your pain? Normally I wouldn’t be encouraging a family member to “make this all about YOU,” ha. But in this case, the only thing that might make him take action might be as a way of saving his loved ones from hurt.

If it were stage 4 cancer, I’d imagine he’d be extremely fatigued and in a fair amount of pain by now.

I would buy life insurance immediately just in case.

You can order lab tests online and get the results sent to you by email. The online company has doctors who order the tests so you never have to see or speak to a doctor. Beg your husband to get a blood test. They even have companies that will go to your house to take the blood. The online labs,l personal labs I think is one, have different package deals like men’s wellness panel.

I should also add in-laws do not travel. We have not seen them since COVID. They are a 2-day drive away and airfare has been cost prohibitive for us.