Anonymous
08/29/2023 16:03
Subject: I think my marriage may be over
Op here. Catching up on all the feedback. I appreciate it all. Even the harsh feedback.
To address some things that have come up, I’ve been in therapy for at least 6 mos and we’ve been in marriage counseling for a year.
I’m not depressed (I’ve inquired). My husband may be but will never go on meds due to his profession (and maybe he’s not).
I come from a very stable family, have a very strong circle of friends, etc. My husband is more of a loner. He would say he has strong connections, but they appear surface-level or at least they are not people who are part of his everyday life. He’s estranged from most of his family. I think his world mostly revolves around our child and me.
Of course I have baggage. I don’t want my parents’ marriage. They’ve been married for more than 50 years, but they really don’t spend time together. My mother treats my father horribly. I feel as though we’re on that path.
I also have no doubt that my husband will or could find someone quickly. He is a catch in many respects. I know I may end up alone. But is that really a reason to stay married? When our child is gone, what will we talk about? We never had hours of endless talking.
I married him for all the reasons people are saying I should stay in this marriage. He’s a good provider. Attentive. Kind. Yes! I recognize aaaaall the good qualities!
To address some things that have come up, I’ve been in therapy for at least 6 mos and we’ve been in marriage counseling for a year.
I’m not depressed (I’ve inquired). My husband may be but will never go on meds due to his profession (and maybe he’s not).
I come from a very stable family, have a very strong circle of friends, etc. My husband is more of a loner. He would say he has strong connections, but they appear surface-level or at least they are not people who are part of his everyday life. He’s estranged from most of his family. I think his world mostly revolves around our child and me.
Of course I have baggage. I don’t want my parents’ marriage. They’ve been married for more than 50 years, but they really don’t spend time together. My mother treats my father horribly. I feel as though we’re on that path.
I also have no doubt that my husband will or could find someone quickly. He is a catch in many respects. I know I may end up alone. But is that really a reason to stay married? When our child is gone, what will we talk about? We never had hours of endless talking.
I married him for all the reasons people are saying I should stay in this marriage. He’s a good provider. Attentive. Kind. Yes! I recognize aaaaall the good qualities!
Anonymous
08/29/2023 15:49
Subject: I think my marriage may be over
Anonymous wrote:Why do you think there is some mystical “connection” that is possible that your relationship is lacking?
That sounds….like you are romanticizing some fantasy of what love/connection is rather than what it really is.
A real connection is forged over time and sticking with someone through thick and thin and growing and maturing with them emotionally.
I worry that what you see as “honest conversations” is really just you telling your husband that you don’t love him and you are not connected to him and blah blah blah when really the *truth* is you have some family of origin experiences that have left you with an avoidant attachment style….That you do in fact love him dearly but you cannot admit it to yourself or him. Because that would mean being vulnerable to him leaving you or abandoning you or admitting that you are a weak and dependent in some way.
If that is the case, guess what, you are not going to be able to find a “real connection” with anyone because the problem is that you actively avoid it, despite professing to long for it. This is very common and I have this problem myself.
I often feel like I lack connections to others but this lies more within me and kind of an existential loneliness I often feel rather acutely. You cannot look at any other person for a solution to that, the solution is something you have to work out for yourself inside.
There’s also the question of whether you are really seeing your spouse for who your spouse is or whether you’ve essentially created a false vision of them in your mind. This idea of a “pretend” marriage makes me feel like you feel depersonalized and separate from your own emotional life.
It seems to me you have a lot of work to do in therapy and if you’re formulation of this problem is that you and your spouse just aren’t “connecting” for some bizarre reason and that you would be happier without him… Well I am skeptical.
I'm a marriage therapist and this advice is spot on and exactly what I would say to a client. OP you need individual therapy.
Anonymous
08/29/2023 15:17
Subject: I think my marriage may be over
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What’s the alternative? The dating scene is dreadful. You divorce and he is a great catch and probably ends up w/ a great woman who may be younger, while you’re dating men w/ dad bods who got burned in their divorces and won’t commit or are alcoholics.
Sounds like you need a
Rush of brain chemicals. Google how to do that naturally or go on meds.
This. An intelligent, attractive, kind, gainfully employed divorced man will probably find someone else quickly. If you only have one kid, he may well end up with a younger woman and have another child with her.
You and PP have some strange comments.
How does telling OP that ger DH might be better off if they divorce help her get out of her immature thinking? Shouldn't that make her less hesitant to blow things up since she wouldn't have to feel guilty about messing things up for her DH ( after all he will find someone else quickly, right?)?
She is not competing with her DH to see who might be better off in a divorce. It's such an irrelevant comment at best.
Just pointing out the grass is not greener FOR HER. The grass is dead.
Anonymous
08/29/2023 15:12
Subject: Re:I think my marriage may be over
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Loretta Lynn captured this (involuntary) loss of love. I really think it happens more with women than men, who tend to be more unchanging in their feelings. It must be less common with childless-by-choice couples, because the arrival of children A.: introduces object/s of unconditional adoration and B.: creates potent and chronic sources of bickering (workload sharing, financial stress, childcare, career choices, sleep deprivation, body changes, etc. etc.).
Tingle Becomes A Chill
Song by Loretta Lynn
Sometimes at night while you're fast asleep
I lie here alone in the darkness and weep
So sorry and sad but that's part of the deal
When the tingle becomes a chill
I never wanted to stop lovin' you
I'll swear by the breathe in my body that's true
Ah, but a woman can't help the way that she feels
When the tingle becomes a chill
You're so contented but for me it's all gone
And though I pretend you just don't turn me on
The body performs but the soul has no will
When the tingle becomes a chill
I never wanted to stop lovin' you
I swear by the breathe in my body that's true
Ah, but a woman can't help the way that she feels
When the tingle becomes a chill
Nailed it. The twist is I'm a man and sadly feel that way about my wife.
She's a great person and I don't want to break her heart.
And no, I have not cheated, but song is spot on.
Is this the OP commenting above?
Man or woman, it doesn't matter. You're craving a fantasy you've been sold, not least by songs like this one. If your wife is a great person, you need to step back from the immature thinking that marriage and love are either "tingle" or "chill" with nothing in between.
You should realize that a real relationship is forged over time and by experiencing life together. Sometimes there's spark, sometimes there's not, but dumping a marriage (or "opening" it, which is nothing but condoned cheating) over feeling disengaged? That's unfair to the marriage. Note I didn't say, unfair to her or to you (it is) but unfair to the commitment you both made. Just because you feel...blah? Listen to the PP who said re: sex: You want more sex? Stop pulling away. Schedule it, don't get upset if it's not some perfect ideal the first time or every time. Go away with your wife ASAP and have sex, for God's sake. And then get individual therapy so you can figure out why you buy into the idea that love is about having a spark all the time forever. It isn't. It's about choosing to love when there isn't a spark and working toward keeping the spark going.
You sound mostly bored and unmotivated and fantasizing, and that's on you, not her. Get off the internet and get busy, get help, talk to her. Don't be another divorce statistic (especially with a wife you describe the way you describe yours!).
Anonymous
08/29/2023 14:53
Subject: I think my marriage may be over
I think you should explore this in therapy OP. It doesnt sound like anything is bad or wrong, you are just feeling disengaged. You want more sex, but you pull away. I think this is easy enough to solve if you want to! Try some new stuff, try some old stuff that you've liked. Just try! Even if you schedule it to start. I know for me, the more I have, the more I want it. So the dry spells are easy to sink into as it's just an easy baseline.
I think you should do some therapy, an then schedule a weekend away to rekindle some spark.
I think you should do some therapy, an then schedule a weekend away to rekindle some spark.
Anonymous
08/29/2023 14:45
Subject: Re:I think my marriage may be over
Anonymous wrote:Loretta Lynn captured this (involuntary) loss of love. I really think it happens more with women than men, who tend to be more unchanging in their feelings. It must be less common with childless-by-choice couples, because the arrival of children A.: introduces object/s of unconditional adoration and B.: creates potent and chronic sources of bickering (workload sharing, financial stress, childcare, career choices, sleep deprivation, body changes, etc. etc.).
Tingle Becomes A Chill
Song by Loretta Lynn
Sometimes at night while you're fast asleep
I lie here alone in the darkness and weep
So sorry and sad but that's part of the deal
When the tingle becomes a chill
I never wanted to stop lovin' you
I'll swear by the breathe in my body that's true
Ah, but a woman can't help the way that she feels
When the tingle becomes a chill
You're so contented but for me it's all gone
And though I pretend you just don't turn me on
The body performs but the soul has no will
When the tingle becomes a chill
I never wanted to stop lovin' you
I swear by the breathe in my body that's true
Ah, but a woman can't help the way that she feels
When the tingle becomes a chill
Nailed it. The twist is I'm a man and sadly feel that way about my wife.
She's a great person and I don't want to break her heart.
And no, I have not cheated, but song is spot on.
Anonymous
08/29/2023 14:43
Subject: I think my marriage may be over
Why do you think there is some mystical “connection” that is possible that your relationship is lacking?
That sounds….like you are romanticizing some fantasy of what love/connection is rather than what it really is.
A real connection is forged over time and sticking with someone through thick and thin and growing and maturing with them emotionally.
I worry that what you see as “honest conversations” is really just you telling your husband that you don’t love him and you are not connected to him and blah blah blah when really the *truth* is you have some family of origin experiences that have left you with an avoidant attachment style….That you do in fact love him dearly but you cannot admit it to yourself or him. Because that would mean being vulnerable to him leaving you or abandoning you or admitting that you are a weak and dependent in some way.
If that is the case, guess what, you are not going to be able to find a “real connection” with anyone because the problem is that you actively avoid it, despite professing to long for it. This is very common and I have this problem myself.
I often feel like I lack connections to others but this lies more within me and kind of an existential loneliness I often feel rather acutely. You cannot look at any other person for a solution to that, the solution is something you have to work out for yourself inside.
There’s also the question of whether you are really seeing your spouse for who your spouse is or whether you’ve essentially created a false vision of them in your mind. This idea of a “pretend” marriage makes me feel like you feel depersonalized and separate from your own emotional life.
It seems to me you have a lot of work to do in therapy and if you’re formulation of this problem is that you and your spouse just aren’t “connecting” for some bizarre reason and that you would be happier without him… Well I am skeptical.
That sounds….like you are romanticizing some fantasy of what love/connection is rather than what it really is.
A real connection is forged over time and sticking with someone through thick and thin and growing and maturing with them emotionally.
I worry that what you see as “honest conversations” is really just you telling your husband that you don’t love him and you are not connected to him and blah blah blah when really the *truth* is you have some family of origin experiences that have left you with an avoidant attachment style….That you do in fact love him dearly but you cannot admit it to yourself or him. Because that would mean being vulnerable to him leaving you or abandoning you or admitting that you are a weak and dependent in some way.
If that is the case, guess what, you are not going to be able to find a “real connection” with anyone because the problem is that you actively avoid it, despite professing to long for it. This is very common and I have this problem myself.
I often feel like I lack connections to others but this lies more within me and kind of an existential loneliness I often feel rather acutely. You cannot look at any other person for a solution to that, the solution is something you have to work out for yourself inside.
There’s also the question of whether you are really seeing your spouse for who your spouse is or whether you’ve essentially created a false vision of them in your mind. This idea of a “pretend” marriage makes me feel like you feel depersonalized and separate from your own emotional life.
It seems to me you have a lot of work to do in therapy and if you’re formulation of this problem is that you and your spouse just aren’t “connecting” for some bizarre reason and that you would be happier without him… Well I am skeptical.
Anonymous
08/29/2023 14:35
Subject: I think my marriage may be over
Anonymous wrote:Like a PP said, I also wonder what you mean by “almost too attentive” and I think the issue and solution may lie there.
I wonder the same thing, maybe she wants more of a bad boy behavior from DH.
Anonymous
08/29/2023 12:53
Subject: I think my marriage may be over
Like a PP said, I also wonder what you mean by “almost too attentive” and I think the issue and solution may lie there.
Anonymous
08/29/2023 12:44
Subject: I think my marriage may be over
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You are absolutely the problem here. 100 percent.
If you'd like to blow up your life looking for that neurochemical thrill, by all means but don't delude yourself ... it's you.
+100
This is why 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. People keep seeking the thrill that goes away with time.
Anonymous
08/29/2023 12:27
Subject: I think my marriage may be over
Anonymous wrote:Wasn’t there a post just like this a few weeks ago?
This feels like the husband who pretends to be his wife. Looking for confirmation he can leave her for his AP
Anonymous
08/29/2023 12:26
Subject: Re:I think my marriage may be over
Anonymous wrote:Another reason men should never get married. Thanks OP.
Except men are the ones who pull this crap most of the time.
Anonymous
08/29/2023 12:24
Subject: Re:I think my marriage may be over
Another reason men should never get married. Thanks OP.
Anonymous
08/29/2023 10:34
Subject: I think my marriage may be over
Anonymous wrote:I would hone in on the too attentive part.
OP did not mention him as a good provider, so I wonder if this is one of those marriages where she is the breadwinner. That itself is very taxin.
I wonder if her DH is kind of lackluster and career, and not really great about making his own friends, so spends all of his energy on her?
There's too much "I wonder..." in this post. Speculation based on nothing OP actually said or indicated in her post, re: breadwinning, or the DH's own social abilities or career. Do you have any actuai ideas for the OP, or are you here just to speculate and maybe project your own issues onto her situation?
OP: Another PP said it well: Why do you think you are sabotaging what you, yourself, describe as a marriage to a partner who would tick all the boxes for most women? A partner who shows interest in you? Have you gotten any outside eyes on this, like a counselor or therapist? If not, why not?
Anonymous
08/29/2023 09:31
Subject: I think my marriage may be over
You sound incredibly immature. My guess is there's a lot of stuff in your family of origin you need to untangle in therapy.
Guess what? Marriage changes. There arent going to be sparks ten years in. Just waking up to someone you can stand is a win. Don't blow up your life and your kids life, you will regret it.
Guess what? Marriage changes. There arent going to be sparks ten years in. Just waking up to someone you can stand is a win. Don't blow up your life and your kids life, you will regret it.