Your DH sounds like a jerk, OP. What can you do?

Outsource work. Have an affair. Have a plan to divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m a woman and I absolutely hate it when people demand hugs or ask aggressively for them. In fact when men do it, it feels coercive.

Same. There’s something about abject neediness that feels coercive and disrespectful. It’s a gut level thing, I don’t like it but it’s what’s triggered in me when someone demands comfort.

Well, most men demand sex the way women demand hugs. Both feels needy, coercive and disrespectful. Men can avoid being pleasant and affectionate to their wives in their times of need, Women can do the same with sex.

There, I have solved the gender wars.

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman and I am like your dh (I actually opened the thread wondering if my spouse had posted it, changing gender to remain anon).

I react this way for a few reasons, I think:

- I have a “buck up” attitude towards most things and it bugs me when others want to wallow, which is what I feel crying and complaining are

- I want to move towards fixing or moving on from whatever prompted the tears or sadness, and tears seem the opposite of that

- I hate to admit this last one because I realize it isn’t justified, but I feel that crying is a weakness and it makes me think less of dh when he cries

I suggest you find a private outlet for your tears.

NP here. I am also a woman. I was raised by loving parents in a loving enviornment. I also married someone who was socialized to be stoic as a husband because his parents had personality disorders. Of course, my DH was a very loving and responsive boyfriend but then decided to become like his dad once we got married. The "Buck Up", "Don't Cry" kind of people are the people who are manipulative and gaslight others. Great if this attitude is for their own selves, but to expect others to fall in line is ridiculous.

Anyways, my DH changed himself quickly because I have always had the support of my family, my education and my money. Which meant that he knew that I would leave him if he did not change himself. He had to break the pattern of behavior that he had learned from his dad.

Anonymous wrote:I have an ex-husband like what you describe OP

+1
A woman who wanted more would have dumped this toxic DH. However, you had kids with him and now you are stuck.

Men do have a hard time understaning these emotions and the response expected of us. Our kind internalize the stress and maybe vent frustration, but don't understand the crying/hug thing probably because we can't rationalize how that is beneficial/effective to the sitatuation. You don't see stressed men crying and hugging each other to deal with it. We complain, comisserate, and move on.

It reminds me of something my wife and I figured out. Took us a long time. Things I do or don't do may make her feel "hurt". I don't understand that emotion. I may get annoyed or frustrated or angry, but not "hurt". When we figured it out, I said to her I could honestly not name a time where something she did or said made me feel "hurt". Annoyed or angry, yes. But a little thng... forgetting to say thanks for something or taking my coffee and sitting and reading in a diffrent room and bam, she feels "hurt" when I am oblivious to stuff like that. I don't even realize I hit the "hurt" tripwire or why. The worst is when she then makes up some intent out of thin air..."you're having your coffee without me because you don't want to spend time with me." And I'm like, "No seriously my book was in the living room and I just sat here to read because it's more comfortable."

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound emotionally manipulative. The most simply answer as to why your husband will not hug you when you are crying of issues like "back to school stress" is that he simply refuses to reward your bad behavior.

The argument that that "men's only emotion is anger so he should go to therapy" is misandrist.

Lets take your example of "back to school stress" where you start the morning by crying. What is it that you want from him? Are you actually wanting a hug or are you wanting him to take care of some action items.

If what you want is literally a hug, CRYING FOR A HUG IS CHILDISH AND MANIPULATIVE. As an adult you should have self-awareness to think "humm... I"m stressed, I'd like a hug from my husband" than an ADULT will walk over to their husband and using their big girl words say: "honey, I'm feeling a lot of stress and a hug would make be feel less stressed. Will you please give me a hug?"

If you did that then I bet he would give you a hug. If he didn't give you hug, then he is being a jerk.

That isn't what you do. You cry (like a child) and hope his response is the magic response you want and if he doesn't give you the secret code you get to be more upset with him. YOU are manipulative.

What the actual hell. This is old and I still felt the need to comment. OP also literally had said that he still had anger when she was dealing with MOURNING. If he still shows anger in ALL crying situations, I don't think it's that she's being manipulative. She also said she rarely rarely expresses emotions to him now.

That's going to add up and there will be times "small things" cause crying. I didn't see where she expressed she didn't specifically ask for a hug. Maybe she didn't specifically ask. That could be clearer. But that is still in NO way manipulation. She's simply wanting human affection.

Crying is *gasp* a result of a lot of built up emotions over time. When we cry around those that love us, we're not crying to get attention and pity from them, but a typical response to seeing a loved one in distress is to comfort them.

I’m a woman and I am like your dh (I actually opened the thread wondering if my spouse had posted it, changing gender to remain anon).

I react this way for a few reasons, I think:

- I have a “buck up” attitude towards most things and it bugs me when others want to wallow, which is what I feel crying and complaining are

- I want to move towards fixing or moving on from whatever prompted the tears or sadness, and tears seem the opposite of that

- I hate to admit this last one because I realize it isn’t justified, but I feel that crying is a weakness and it makes me think less of dh when he cries

I suggest you find a private outlet for your tears.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My most sympathetic take on this is he feels anxious because it's something he can't fix and he defaults to anger because that's the only emotion most adult men have ever had validated. He needs some kind of therapy to figure out why he's incapable of being a decent person when faced with your sadness.

This, exactly. Men are wired to want to fix every problem. They don’t know what to do with tears and sadness so they get angry with themselves and take it out on you. Vicious cycle.

You must have purple hair.

Except the wife is telling the husband how to fix the problem. Which is to give her a hug and he refuses. It’s emotional avoidance and contempt.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My most sympathetic take on this is he feels anxious because it's something he can't fix and he defaults to anger because that's the only emotion most adult men have ever had validated. He needs some kind of therapy to figure out why he's incapable of being a decent person when faced with your sadness.

This, exactly. Men are wired to want to fix every problem. They don’t know what to do with tears and sadness so they get angry with themselves and take it out on you. Vicious cycle.

You must have purple hair.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound emotionally manipulative. The most simply answer as to why your husband will not hug you when you are crying of issues like "back to school stress" is that he simply refuses to reward your bad behavior.

The argument that that "men's only emotion is anger so he should go to therapy" is misandrist.

Lets take your example of "back to school stress" where you start the morning by crying. What is it that you want from him? Are you actually wanting a hug or are you wanting him to take care of some action items.

If what you want is literally a hug, CRYING FOR A HUG IS CHILDISH AND MANIPULATIVE. As an adult you should have self-awareness to think "humm... I"m stressed, I'd like a hug from my husband" than an ADULT will walk over to their husband and using their big girl words say: "honey, I'm feeling a lot of stress and a hug would make be feel less stressed. Will you please give me a hug?"

If you did that then I bet he would give you a hug. If he didn't give you hug, then he is being a jerk.

That isn't what you do. You cry (like a child) and hope his response is the magic response you want and if he doesn't give you the secret code you get to be more upset with him. YOU are manipulative.

PP and your DH are emotionally immature.

My exDH was like yours. I got tired of it during a period of extreme turmoil in our lives and filed for divorce. Because he's an unemotional unaware jerk, divorce has been really rough. But I still would never go back to him. Dating and wisdom from age and experience has shown me I was settling and giving up far too much of a normal relationship. A hug shouldn't need to be negotiated. Affection should be given freely because both sides benefit.

Signed,
In a loving close relationship

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m a woman and I absolutely hate it when people demand hugs or ask aggressively for them. In fact when men do it, it feels coercive.

Same. There’s something about abject neediness that feels coercive and disrespectful. It’s a gut level thing, I don’t like it but it’s what’s triggered in me when someone demands comfort.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going through something similar. Not crying out of being overwhelmed, but DH gets defensive/upset anytime I express hurt feelings or disappointment. He could easily acknowledge them, but would rather I not have feelings. It sucks and I am close to being done.

Your feelings are only interesting to you. Men find them boring. If you get divorced then you might find another man who will pretend to be interested (like your DH used to) for a while but eventually he will stop and you’ll be back where you are now.

Would be a lot easier for you to learn to process your feelings by yourself, like a grownup. Or you could pay a therapist to care about them.

So, what you’re saying is that you don’t believe in emotionally supporting another person. Man. Someone must’ve effed you up as a child. You have my sympathy and I hope you get the counseling you so desperately need. It breaks my heart to think of all the people who die without ever understanding the true value of relationships

If you're in a relationship with someone and you like that person, you will want to comfort them and be present for them emotionally like this.

PPs have reasons why the husband is justified in not liking OP. Maybe, maybe not. But regardless of whether he's justified, that's what's going on here. He's expressing contempt.

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m a woman and I absolutely hate it when people demand hugs or ask aggressively for them. In fact when men do it, it feels coercive.

This isn’t any random person or man. She is his wife.

I don't think you can demand physical or sexual intimacy or touch. People have bodily autonomy and any physical contact should be consensual.

If you need physical or sexual intimacy in a relationship to feel loved or appreciated or supported or valued and your spouse can't or won't give that to you...that is a major incompatibility. You still can't demand it.

OP, what goes your husband need from you to feel loved and appreciated and supported? Would he say you do things that make him feel that way and when he asks for some form of intimacy, he gets it? I wonder if there is resentment in that he doesn't feel his needs are met but you get upset when your needs aren't met?