Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, DH wants to take away all her devices for a month. I think that’s too severe and she will go nuts (maybe that’s why; the screaming will be epic).

So what? She's lied to you twice. Time for some serious consequences.

She LIED. That right there would have me taking it away for at least a month and every scream will have it taken away for longer. Grow a spine, OP.

The screaming for me would be a worse offense that the lying.

Everyone lies. It's not a good palractice, but everyone in the world dies it.

Not everyone screams, so I would put harsher punishment where I think I can have more influence on the behavior.

I'd let her have the snap chat if she would let me monitor it, no questions asked.

Anonymous wrote:OP, what are your core values? For us honesty is a core value. I respectfully disagree with the pp who say don't put her in a position to lie. In our house we set the expectation that you're going to tell the truth.
I tell my daughter the reason I don't want her lying about dumb stuff is that I need to be able to believe her when she tells me something. I can't be her advocate if I doubt her.
There are serious consequences in our home for lying, extra chores, loss of privileges etc. We make the consequences so painful that it's easier to tell the truth.
The reality is social media is dangerous for young girls. My daughter keeps asking for a tik tok account and we keep saying no. I'm dismayed by how many young girls are convinced that their social media is their self worth.
Best of luck to you OP it's not easy.

You are already in a losing battle if you think teens are honest with their parents, especially strict ones. They aren’t.

^^ I mean someone in the family already has the Instagram app, not account.

Anonymous wrote:My kids' devices were set, from the beginning, so that a new app could be downloaded only with parent approval and a passcode. I'm confused about how you are discovering your kids have an app. Lock that ish down.

However, the lying is the more important issue. At that point, it doesn't matter if it's about an app, whether she fed the dog, did her homework, or anything else. No matter how trivial or serious the subject, a lie is a lie. The punishment here is not about the phone - it's about ensuring that your DD gets a clear message about honesty and the consequences of lying.

If the family has Family Sharing activated on an iPhone, then any app previously downloaded by anyone in that family can be downloaded by anyone else in the Family Sharing group. It doesn’t matter if you have their accounts set to ask permission to download a new app. For example, I have Instagram and my kids are able to download Insta without the phone asking me for approval because someone (me) in our Family Sharing already has the account.

I believe the only way to prevent this is to stop Family Sharing.

My kids' devices were set, from the beginning, so that a new app could be downloaded only with parent approval and a passcode. I'm confused about how you are discovering your kids have an app. Lock that ish down.

However, the lying is the more important issue. At that point, it doesn't matter if it's about an app, whether she fed the dog, did her homework, or anything else. No matter how trivial or serious the subject, a lie is a lie. The punishment here is not about the phone - it's about ensuring that your DD gets a clear message about honesty and the consequences of lying.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I’m really at a loss, bc I want to knee jerk and take it away for a year but I know I can’t do that. It’s so connected to her friends and that is so important to her. In the past, especially when DH hands down punishment, she takes it pretty well. She knows she screwed up, she’s sorry, she cries and we move on. This feels different.

2-4 weeks of no electronics. If she tantrums, it gets extended. A year is absurd. And, make it clear that she is losing it for (1) having snapchat when you said no, (2) lying and possibly (3) tantrums. This is her second time getting caught. Consequence needs to be enough to get her attention but not excessive.

Anonymous wrote:Having Snapchat isn’t an issue, IMO. But “screaming” about it is alarming! Is she highly emotional? Stubborn? Reactive? I would tread carefully with social media.

Yeah, that’s tech addiction. Nip that in the bud now.

Anonymous wrote:DD is 12. I just found it on her iPad, multiple snaps from friends. We have talked about why snap isn’t safe and why she isn’t allowed to have it. Ofc I know why she wants it. No idea how long she’s had it.

She tried to set up an account before, I caught her (this is more than a year ago), we talked it through and she said she wouldn’t do it again. Ofc we all know they’re kids and if their mouths move, they’re probably lying.

Anyhow, she doesn’t know I’ve found out. For now, I’ve taken her device and it will go away for awhile. She doesn’t have a phone…..yet. She is due to get one soon. She does not know that either.

How to handle?

Don’t get her a smartphone. She’s proven at 12 she isn’t mature enough to handle it. If she really needs a phone to coordinate extracurriculars, etc, get her a prepaid that only has talk and text.

OP here, and I REALLY appreciate the teacher perspective, so thank you. I have been hesitant to do this, mostly because I don’t use most of this crap and I don’t want it mucking up my phone but I know that’s a stupid reason and I need to get with this program to better understand and guide my kid. So, I will.

No offense. I get that you punish them. They lied.

But as a middle school teacher, every teen has snap. All of them. They use their friends phones in school. They use web browsers. They use old phones/iPads lying around the house or they secretly download and hide it on their own phone. As soon as an account gets deleted they create a new one with a friend. I hear it all day long.

Teens no longer text. They snap. Their texts are thru snap. They send pics thru snap. They really only communicate thru snap. It isn’t to hide things, at least for most kids. It’s just that this is how they communicate. And kids this age hate feeling left out.

I have a snap account so I can understand my students and my two own teens. I don’t follow my two, but I have both their log ins and I can log in any time. I rarely do. We talk extensively about the 3 p’s. Parents, principal, and police. And how phone calls are your safest bet. Even FT can be video recorded. Anyway, I would have loved Snap as a teen and I find it entertaining now. I was surprised how many adults are on it.

Eventually you are going to have to allow it, so you might as well start learning about it on your own. Just not from what other helicopter parents mom say/fear. Learn for yourself.

Anonymous wrote:OP again, DH wants to take away all her devices for a month. I think that’s too severe and she will go nuts (maybe that’s why; the screaming will be epic).

For the second offense, your husband is right. At least 2 weeks, or 3.

Let her go nuts and give her another consequence. If you don't deal with the tantrums now, you are in for much worse.

OP, what are your core values? For us honesty is a core value. I respectfully disagree with the pp who say don't put her in a position to lie. In our house we set the expectation that you're going to tell the truth.
I tell my daughter the reason I don't want her lying about dumb stuff is that I need to be able to believe her when she tells me something. I can't be her advocate if I doubt her.
There are serious consequences in our home for lying, extra chores, loss of privileges etc. We make the consequences so painful that it's easier to tell the truth.
The reality is social media is dangerous for young girls. My daughter keeps asking for a tik tok account and we keep saying no. I'm dismayed by how many young girls are convinced that their social media is their self worth.
Best of luck to you OP it's not easy.

Anonymous wrote:At some point they are going to have it. We fought it for a long time…DC is 16 now & has it.
Snapchat is the #1 platform in use. For the people asking - yes, DC’s sports teams use it, that’s how they communicate changes in schedule, if coach is running late, etc.
DC’s job uses it - the boss posts the schedule to the group every wk. DC was the odd one out for a long time, where a coworker had to text them a pic of the schedule.
Put it off if you want to, we did. But know that it is the primary form of communication, so your kid will miss out on some things (& obviously be very motivated to sneak it). When you do decide to allow it, talk to them about how it is not safe - yes, they will see if someone saves a photo or takes a screen shot. But let them know there are many other ways around this - a person can 1/2 swipe & take a screen shot & you won’t know. Someone can take a photo with another device & you won’t know. You can get hacked.
Just keep them aware of the risks & let them have it when you think they get it.

I agree that at some point your kid does get left out but I don’t agree that it’s as early as age age 11/12 going into 7th grade. But it’s ubiquitous after a certain point. My nearly 16 year old is getting tired of the apps including snap. But the thing that keeps from quitting entirely? School, her sport, clubs, etc use Instagram to communicate.

Anonymous wrote:My kid doesn't have snapchat and they are going into 9th grade.

Same. Nor any other social media. And I’ve heard all the “but everyone has…” whining for years but I’m not budging. She will get social media around age 16 when she is old enough to have better habits around school and phone and in order for us to help guide her before she goes to college. Her phone and iPad are also set up with parental controls that require parental approval for any apps or purchases. Same for our younger kids. They could not download snap chat if they wanted to. They also know we check their phones and messages randomly.
Op, the lying and hiding things is a big issue that you need to work on now. It’s not going to be easier as your daughter gets older and naturally gains more independence.
And I also have an 11yo rising 6th grader who would probably be more likely to try to hide something like this but we’ve talked with all our kids about the issues with social media as well as the repercussions and consequences about lying so I’m not terribly concerned about her. I’m just saying I know some kids are easier than others about this type of thing, you just have to make sure to parent your kids appropriately.
Taking away screens for a month from a 12yo is probably a more annoying consequence than op wants to deal with, it’s not actually that hard for her kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, DH wants to take away all her devices for a month. I think that’s too severe and she will go nuts (maybe that’s why; the screaming will be epic).

So what? She's lied to you twice. Time for some serious consequences.

She LIED. That right there would have me taking it away for at least a month and every scream will have it taken away for longer. Grow a spine, OP.