Anonymous wrote:OP here - He is starting a job on Monday! A previous employer.

Until we got here (and I'm so happy for you, OP!) I was wondering if I'd written in and forgotten about it. DH is still only half working and has anxiety and isn't doing anything about it. At least he does a lot around the house. But with two kids in college this is not ok.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - He is starting a job on Monday! A previous employer.

Yay!!!

Anonymous wrote:Not contributing is not an option. He needs to either take a job or take on all the SAHP responsibilities, and if he does neither, you need to divorce him as promptly as possible while the income imputed to him will be highest (it will be attributed to willful unemployment vs disability at this point)

She will pay alimony. Both of them will have crappier standards of living. Fun.

OP here - He is starting a job on Monday! A previous employer.

You have very low expectations, OP. He is possibly going to only meet those low expectations until you raise them. How long do you want to have an extra child to raise?

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Anonymous wrote:OP here, he has gone back on anxiety medication, lost the weight, and is exercising regularly. I’ve urged him to talk to his doctor about adjusting his medication. I’m not interested in him being a sahm parent long term because he does the bare minimum or less (I still am in charge of laundry, he cooks, we do dishes/empty the dishwasher about equally. We have house cleaners come every three weeks.).

Not your call. Women are able to stay at hole in similar circumstances. Now so are men. Adjust your budget and embrace the new normal!

Ignore this person, OP.

I would set expectations about the amount of networking, applying, job searching he’s going to be doing. He should be treating that like a full time job. It’s not cool for one partner to just dip out, particularly if they’re not shouldering the majority of the housework and childcare.

Anonymous wrote:Commit to a 6 month sabbatical from work. He earned it. Focus on a hobby. Get his health back in gear while he catches up on homemaking. Work his network to get his name out there for future opportunities.

He's wrapping up an 8 month sabbatical. He quit his job at the end of 2022.

OP - I don't know if you need therapy/marriage counseling, but I think you do need to be able to clearly articulate to him that you find his not working to be unacceptable and damaging to the marriage. I've watched my SIL live through this for the last 20 years. My BIL has a lot of excuses, but no job. In your case, I'd be open to the idea of him taking a lesser job than he had, but working would be a hard line for me. I would not stay married in this continued past mid-2024.

Anonymous wrote:My DH was in a truly toxic job that was wrecking his physical and mental health. He stopped exercising, gained 40 pounds, didn’t sleep well, was depressed, we didn’t have sex for months. He didn’t have the capacity to job search in the job so with my encouragement he quit at the end of 2022. He is still unemployed. He is in a high paying highly specialized field so I get that it takes a while, but I also question how hard he is working at it. We have lots of savings but we’re spending quite a bit more every month than I make. We’ve talked about it and it mostly seems to make him more anxious. I don’t know what to do.

The world needs reachers. He has summers off to find himself

OP here, he is trying to job search although only within the last couple of months. Applying for jobs but still being picky about it, and not applying for most government jobs that he qualifies for because the process is a pain. Networking to the extent of contacting people he knows and has worked with but not outside that. (I have an extensive government network and have offered to link him to people and he won’t, or says yes but doesn’t follow up.).

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Anonymous wrote:
He can begin to get SSI benefits for his mental health, because I don't forsee him working again.

It's very difficult to get back in the job marketplace after a
year when you have a HEALTHY attitude about it, but to try and do so after a year when your mental health is struggling? I don't forsee it happening.

Have his doctor/therapist diagnose him with depression, then he can collect a few thousand in SSI every month (it's better than nothing, right?).

Just know that they reject 99% of those who apply for it.
If you appeal, it will most likely go through.

I went back to work after a year off twice in my early fifties. Of course it can be done. Don’t overreact.

+1 PP is a drama queen that is hoping OP's DH will kill himself.

I was unemployed from 35-41. Granted I was a SAHP during that time so my contribution wasn't negligible (no day care/nanny costs and domestic work) but it was a piece of cake getting back into a job I enjoy. Now at 51 I make 92k a year basically working 15 hours a week, have 6 weeks PTO, a company car and gas card, and cadallic medical coverage.

Nice work if you can get it!

Has he been job searching, networking, resumes, getting any interviews or is he not even trying? That’s a critical distinction.

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Anonymous wrote:He’s been out of work for 8 months? Time for him to get a job. Any job. He needs to stop being so picky. Even if he only makes half of his former income, that would be better than nothing.

Also, make him do ALL the housework until he gets a job. Why do you pay cleaners when he is home and you are spending more than you make?

You are really an a$$hole. Can’t imagine being married to such a demanding shrew completely lacking in empathy. If the guy had cancer would you feel the same way? Mental illness is real.

Yes, and keeping busy is really good for mental illness.

"Keeping busy" because your spouse laid out ultimatums and demanded you become the housekeeper "because you're being picky about jobs and you're home" is not the kind of keeping busy which will make a mentally ill person feel better.

So how long should OP coddle her husband? forever?

The use of "coddle" tells us that you really have no understanding of mental illness. And there is no magical, arbitrary deadline you or I or OP can set on how long the DH might be dealing with this. Such extreme hardass answers here from people who (as one PP rightly noted) don't get that mental illness is an illness and situations like OP's are not black-and-white ones with clear solutions and deadlines.

Well considering OP doesn’t say he has a mental illness, wtf are you talking about

He has anxiety serious enough to be medicated for it. Call it mental illness or not, it's profoundly affecting his life, job search and marriage.
So WTF are YOU talking about, PP?

Getting anxiety medicine is as easy as buying bubble gum these days. Maybe DH's problem is that everyone is tip-toeing around him. If he can make it to the gym every day, why can't he wash a dang dish or make dinner for his family?

Here’s the issue guys…..the husband isn’t on this thread earnestly asking for help. His spouse has taken this on in addition to everything else.

Op - and this is with love from my experience (and no one should have my experience!), you’re in trouble. I agree with the PP’s that without a big lift from him and of course you, he’s not going to work again. Nothing will change. He’s decided to retire and not tell you. Sorry.

He’s living day to day and if you keep enabling him to take so much advantage, he will do it until your kids are in college and then for the rest of your life, you’ve got a grown child.

Has he cheated on you? He and you will say no right away. Are you getting red flags? Don’t ignore them. Him cheating is certainly on the table and if he did, he’ll lie and dig in and you’ll have a job getting him out or dealing with an affair thru counseling while he barely participates. My therapist told me by the time most couples get to him, one has clearly checked out and the process is a waste of time and money.

He’s living in a dream world while you’re living in a nightmare. Wake up and change your life to benefit yourself and your family. He won’t. It’s not fair but who cares, you have to do what is best for yourself and the family.

Anonymous wrote:He needs to get mental health treatment, medication if necessary, a Baha’i oral plan to get off the couch and exercise, and a deadline to take a job, any job. Most people don’t have to quit their job to find a new one. 6m unemployed with a good cover story is okay but as it gets towards a year he’s gonna have problems. Also tell him you’re cutting him off financially in 30 days if he doesn’t shape up.

You need the consent of a Baha’i person for this

I am not an expert on this but I think SSI is reserved for people who are very low-income.

If you guys are married & you are employed OP, then I do not think your husband would qualify for SSI.