Anonymous wrote:My kid loses her sh** when asked to turn off electronics. It doesn't matter how many warnings she gets, timers, etc. It seems the trigger here is the screens. So the logical consequence is no screen for the next day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not anti-screen time, but that is way too much screen time.

+1 I get the challenge of two working parents and filling the time after camp because I live it. But parking the kids in front of the tv for two + hours isn't helping and seems to be linked to this.

Honestly all our consequences involve limiting screen time because that's the one thing they really want. Hit them where it hurts - metaphorically - to realize you are not messing around.

Anonymous wrote:DS, 9, had extreme meltdown behavior issues as a smaller child. they seem to have gotten much better generally over the past two years or so.

Tonight he threw a pillow hard directly at my face when I told him to turn off the TV and go read a book. I sent him to his room for two hours in response. He chanted at me "I hope you die. Mama is stupid I hate Mama" a number of times.

His little brother followed suit with the chanting. I sent them both to their rooms, the older one for two hours.

The 9 yr old will frequently say horrible things to his little brother, calling him stupid, etc etc. I don't even know where to begin with a logical appropriate punishment for this behavior. We obviously tell him to knock it off, will send him to his room for 10 minutes to cool off until he can apologize. This is not cutting it and I know I need to chart a new course.

Please help me come up with logical consequences, I'm at a loss.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His behavior is trying to communicate something to you. Right now, you need to focus on understanding what it is driving the behavior? Is he bored? Is he tired? Does he lack impulse control? Is he upset about something going on in his life and taking it out on you? Has he never been told no? What is his behavior trying to tell you?

Once you figure that out, then you need to teach the skills that are lacking. Help him understand what are acceptable ways to act when he is experiencing whatever drove the behavior. Focus on teaching before you go to punishment. Consequences are only helpful if the child knows the rules and has the skills to manage the situation.

That behavior screams that he trying to tell you something. Wait until things are calm to ask questions and get his understanding of how he was feeling and why he did it. Then you can talk and teach what he should do the next time he experiences those feelings.

+2
Just about to write this ^^

Your approach is all wrong Op.

And you're not dealing with the triggers that cause his behavior.

Also, his hate-talk ("I hope you die"/I hate you") isn't personal. It's the tip of the iceberg in his huge bubble of emotion that's about to pop.
Think about it, do you literally mean it when you say say swear words or go off on a mean tirade? No. And neither does your kid.

It's just in that heat of the moment he's struggling to find something to say a release, a "justification", a way to handle this overwhelming anger and injustice (injustice to him)

None of this is normal behavior and stop telling OP she handled it wrong because she didn't ask his feelings about get off the electronics. There is something deeper going on with the child and you need to speak to either your pediatrician or therapist. I've never heard a "neutro typical" child berate their parent and tell them to die for being frustrated.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tend to turn the TV off and ignore the protest. I would expect to spend some time with the kids when the work day is over. Maybe sit down and plan an activity for every afternoon. Monday 20 min bike ride. Tuesday legos. Wednesday card game. They do not have to be long but unless the kid is really into reading...sending him off to read feels like homework.

The dad is working for 2.5 hrs until Op comes home. Then she needs them to watch 20 min more to buy her time to transition from work to home.


Everyone is saying limit screen time, but Op and her Dh are using TV to "babysit" the kids for the remainder of the work day.

Can your dh pivot the marathon TV session and bring out the legos, magnatiles, puzzles, whatever independent play stuff you have?

Anonymous wrote:I would tend to turn the TV off and ignore the protest. I would expect to spend some time with the kids when the work day is over. Maybe sit down and plan an activity for every afternoon. Monday 20 min bike ride. Tuesday legos. Wednesday card game. They do not have to be long but unless the kid is really into reading...sending him off to read feels like homework.

Anonymous wrote:I am not anti-screen time, but that is way too much screen time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His behavior is trying to communicate something to you. Right now, you need to focus on understanding what it is driving the behavior? Is he bored? Is he tired? Does he lack impulse control? Is he upset about something going on in his life and taking it out on you? Has he never been told no? What is his behavior trying to tell you?

Once you figure that out, then you need to teach the skills that are lacking. Help him understand what are acceptable ways to act when he is experiencing whatever drove the behavior. Focus on teaching before you go to punishment. Consequences are only helpful if the child knows the rules and has the skills to manage the situation.

That behavior screams that he trying to tell you something. Wait until things are calm to ask questions and get his understanding of how he was feeling and why he did it. Then you can talk and teach what he should do the next time he experiences those feelings.

+2
Just about to write this ^^

Your approach is all wrong Op.

And you're not dealing with the triggers that cause his behavior.

Also, his hate-talk ("I hope you die"/I hate you") isn't personal. It's the tip of the iceberg in his huge bubble of emotion that's about to pop.
Think about it, do you literally mean it when you say say swear words or go off on a mean tirade? No. And neither does your kid.

It's just in that heat of the moment he's struggling to find something to say a release, a "justification", a way to handle this overwhelming anger and injustice (injustice to him)