Anonymous
Post 08/06/2023 17:42     Subject: Odd that I don't want a wedding?
Anonymous wrote:I think women who say this think they get brownie points for "not being like other girls" or something.

Yes. You, personally, are the only woman on this earth who doesn't care about weddings.


Or maybe some of us are introverted, don’t like parties, and don’t want to be the center of attention?
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2023 17:42     Subject: Odd that I don't want a wedding?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would like a very small wedding and a larger party later. Not quite a reception. More a big get together but you do need to tell folks it’s post wedding somehow so they come..right? We just want to see friends and have a good time that’s less formal.





My mother in law is elderly and a source of great stress to my partner (she’s mentally unwell and abusive to home). If I could find someone to be her chaperone and take her home post ceremony that would be ideal.


I don’t get it. Your wedding can be however informal you want. We had a full fledged wedding (married by judge then reception all in the same room) serving brunch and mimosas. There’s nothing stopping you from having the exact level of formality you want.


I don’t want a public ceremony.


My in laws are unstable. My partner would invite them out of responsibility but we can caretaker them on a large group of people.

I respect he wants them there (or really he wants his mother there and she won’t come with the crew). They can come to courthouse but would be a lot of extra stress to any reception. They aren’t good with multiple people. The dynamic is very sad.

We deserve a break, we do a lot of caretaking.

Plus we’re not young, a big wedding and reception would be odd. We don’t need a registry or gifts.


I don't understand the age discrimination. Old people don't have family and friends?


I’m the older bride. Of course I have friends ding dong….hence the party.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2023 17:39     Subject: Odd that I don't want a wedding?
Not odd at all. I knew I would be getting married in the Catholic church, but I never dreamed about having a reception a day in my life. But we both have loving families and friends, and it was even more important to DH than I to have a reception.

So we had a 75 person open bar bc that’s all we could afford and it wasn’t *extremely* stressful. Kept our bridal party to just a best man and maid of honor. I didn’t love being the center of attention but overall it was actually worth the time and effort. Try it, it might be better than you think!
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2023 17:36     Subject: Re:Odd that I don't want a wedding?
Anonymous wrote:Before the monstrous wedding industry got started, it was very common to marry in mom and dad’s living room with just parents and siblings and other immediate relatives in attendance. It was also very common to marry at the courthouse or in a very small ceremony with just a witness and clergy.

Neither of these things were considered shameful, and eloping (like for generations of young English and Welsh people who eloped to Gretna Green) was only shameful if you had controlling parents who poured on the shame.

As much as most of the women here probably bought into the marriage industry that Bride magazine et al. have been selling for decades, lavish weddings were historically for the elite and were very much not the norm for regular folks.

Nowadays the average wedding is $27k, marriage is on the decline and many who marry start their marriages in deep debt unless they have parents able to splash out all the cash. The pressure to put on the perfect show is apparently intense among the sort of people who buy into that stuff. Then you fill an album with expensive photos that maybe get looked at a few times by your kids, and start the long slow process of watching your love die over the decades.

Meanwhile research shows that the cheaper the wedding, the longer the marriage lasts. So if you are the sort who doesn’t want a big dog and pony show to accompany your exchange of vows, don’t let anyone shame you on that count.

Once upon a time is was conspicuous consumption that was shameful.



Very true. My grandparents eloped, my mother and father had a church wedding and a breakfast just for family afterwards. If you read old etiquette books like Emily Post from the 20th century, they talk about very modest receptions with punch and cake in the parents’ home after church or judge’s office. Even champagne was downplayed. When all my peers were getting married, the most expensive and elaborate weddings (one a destination wedding) were also the soonest divorced. I think it gave them a common goal for a while.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2023 17:34     Subject: Odd that I don't want a wedding?
Anonymous wrote:We got married in a Catholic Church with just two witnesses. It just felt very personal/private to me. A couple friends and family were offended at not being there. But most were fine with it once they knew no one had been invited.


This is my dream wedding. I have the personality for a courthouse wedding but marrying in the Church means something to me. I've never heard of someone having a religious wedding that wasn't a big affair, but this sounds wonderful. Did you have any type of reception?
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2023 17:32     Subject: Odd that I don't want a wedding?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think women who say this think they get brownie points for "not being like other girls" or something.

Yes. You, personally, are the only woman on this earth who doesn't care about weddings.


Bizarre reaction. Do you think anyone who does things differently than you is just pretending, for “brownie points”?

There are no brownie points for eloping, just a bunch of judgmental morons 👆 who will look down on OP for not having a wedding.


+1
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2023 17:29     Subject: Odd that I don't want a wedding?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would like a very small wedding and a larger party later. Not quite a reception. More a big get together but you do need to tell folks it’s post wedding somehow so they come..right? We just want to see friends and have a good time that’s less formal.





My mother in law is elderly and a source of great stress to my partner (she’s mentally unwell and abusive to home). If I could find someone to be her chaperone and take her home post ceremony that would be ideal.


I don’t get it. Your wedding can be however informal you want. We had a full fledged wedding (married by judge then reception all in the same room) serving brunch and mimosas. There’s nothing stopping you from having the exact level of formality you want.


I don’t want a public ceremony.


My in laws are unstable. My partner would invite them out of responsibility but we can caretaker them on a large group of people.

I respect he wants them there (or really he wants his mother there and she won’t come with the crew). They can come to courthouse but would be a lot of extra stress to any reception. They aren’t good with multiple people. The dynamic is very sad.

We deserve a break, we do a lot of caretaking.

Plus we’re not young, a big wedding and reception would be odd. We don’t need a registry or gifts.


I don't understand the age discrimination. Old people don't have family and friends?
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2023 17:26     Subject: Odd that I don't want a wedding?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you want to elope or go to the JP, do it. Just don’t throw a big party later and invite me to CELEBRATE! If you don’t want to include me at your wedding, I am skipping your gift grab. JMHO.


+1 I hate this. What’s the point of skipping a wedding just to have a wedding without the ceremony?? After all, that’s what a wedding is. A party to celebrate.


The word you’re looking for is “reception”. The wedding is the ceremony, not the party.


A traditional American wedding is a ceremony + reception. A reception alone is not magically not a wedding and it’s annoying to have your gift grab reception after having your elopement ceremony. That’s a “regrets” for me.


No one is confusing a reception with a wedding ceremony except for you.


You said a wedding is a ceremony. Wrong. A wedding is a ceremony plus a reception.


omg stop.

A reception is a party.

A wedding is a ceremony and everything attached to it, including the optional reception


People who use the term
"gift grab" should stay home. No one wants you there anyway.

If I had the choice, I would skip the long boring ceremony with the dumb "pretend I know you " speech from officiant, and the repeat-after-me vows, in the gross outdoor weather, and only attend the reception with the drinks and food and dancing and toasts.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2023 17:22     Subject: Odd that I don't want a wedding?
Personally l don’t think it’s weird. My wedding had 8 people including the groom and I, and then a catered backyard party 6 months later for about 75 that l paid for myself for less than $4k back in 2002. The party was not meant as a gift grab, but I suppose there’s no I convincing cynics of that so not bothering.

We were both 27 on first marriages. I was never a girl who dreamed about her wedding day. This was what l wanted and l enjoyed myself so yay!
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2023 17:17     Subject: Re:Odd that I don't want a wedding?
Before the monstrous wedding industry got started, it was very common to marry in mom and dad’s living room with just parents and siblings and other immediate relatives in attendance. It was also very common to marry at the courthouse or in a very small ceremony with just a witness and clergy.

Neither of these things were considered shameful, and eloping (like for generations of young English and Welsh people who eloped to Gretna Green) was only shameful if you had controlling parents who poured on the shame.

As much as most of the women here probably bought into the marriage industry that Bride magazine et al. have been selling for decades, lavish weddings were historically for the elite and were very much not the norm for regular folks.

Nowadays the average wedding is $27k, marriage is on the decline and many who marry start their marriages in deep debt unless they have parents able to splash out all the cash. The pressure to put on the perfect show is apparently intense among the sort of people who buy into that stuff. Then you fill an album with expensive photos that maybe get looked at a few times by your kids, and start the long slow process of watching your love die over the decades.

Meanwhile research shows that the cheaper the wedding, the longer the marriage lasts. So if you are the sort who doesn’t want a big dog and pony show to accompany your exchange of vows, don’t let anyone shame you on that count.

Once upon a time is was conspicuous consumption that was shameful.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2023 17:17     Subject: Odd that I don't want a wedding?
Anonymous wrote:I think it’s odd if you have happy family and friend relationships, it’s your first marriage, and your early 30s or younger.

If some aspect of that doesn’t apply to you, I get it.


I had all the above and eloped in Vegas mid/late 20s. We did not want the hassle of a wedding.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2023 17:16     Subject: Odd that I don't want a wedding?
Anonymous wrote:We just rented a private space in a restaurant for our nearest and dearest. It was less than $5k. It doesn’t have to be expensive or complicated to do *something* to mark the occasion.


Ours was $8k including drinks, food and a rooftop terrace. My dad was the photographer.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2023 17:14     Subject: Odd that I don't want a wedding?
We got married in a Catholic Church with just two witnesses. It just felt very personal/private to me. A couple friends and family were offended at not being there. But most were fine with it once they knew no one had been invited.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2023 17:10     Subject: Odd that I don't want a wedding?
I bet if someone studied which marriages are more successful and last longer, those with elaborate expensive weddings or those where the couple were more focused on the actual marriage than having a big wedding, the results would be interesting. I think a lot of women are more in love with the idea of a wedding than they are with their future husband.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2023 16:59     Subject: Odd that I don't want a wedding?
We were both getting married for the first time, close to friends and family and early 30s and we chose to plan an elopement to Hawaii. We did not want to deal with all of the wedding big-business stuff. We did end up having a dinner reception a month later in a restaurant for our friends and family (about 60 people). We felt like doing it this way we could focus better on our marriage and life together instead of a ridiculously overpriced, overhyped party.