Anonymous wrote:So here’s the question. At 32, has she made partner? If not she is too late to lock down another partner because she is way too old unless she is incredibly beautiful, they usually marry someone from law school or early associate years.

Are you open to an older divorcee? Otherwise I would skip dating and focus on locking down your own partnership.

At 32, it would extremely rare to be partner.

If you’re in Biglaw, you could step back to a government job yourself, be a dual GS-13 to 15 household, and make a very decent HHI WITH great health insurance and retirement AND neither of you would have to work 60-80 hours a week. And you wouldn’t be subject to the layoffs of the private sector. Something to think about.

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who views a career in high-level government lawyering as “not living up to potential” has priorities that will not make this match work. Go after your own values; you treasure big money earners.

+1 My DS considers himself a public servant and is very passionate about his job. He is definitely living up to his potential, but just has different values than OP. Thankfully, he and I are on the same page.

The most important question here is what does a GS-14 bring to the table?  I am a dermatologist who makes over 800K per year with family money and I am married to a GS-13 step 7 husband.  I was the one pursuing my DH when we first met at the concert where his music band was the opening act for another band.  Because of the government job, DH has a lot of free time to pursue his interests.  He goes to the gym everyday to keep himself in shape.  He practices music everyday while he is working (I don't think this is possible if he works in the private sector).  He plays golf with our children almost everyday.  In other words, he is an amazing husband and father.  On top of that, he is tall, good looking, and an amazing cook.  I already have money, I don't want to be married to another "boring" doctor.  My lifestyle is not going to change if I marry someone who also makes 800K per year.  

Sounds like OP's issue is more than just money.

So here’s the question. At 32, has she made partner? If not she is too late to lock down another partner because she is way too old unless she is incredibly beautiful, they usually marry someone from law school or early associate years.

Are you open to an older divorcee? Otherwise I would skip dating and focus on locking down your own partnership.

How much do you make?

My partner and I are both GS15s. We are passionate about our careers even though we aren't earning private sector money. We are a good match because we share the same values.

Jesus Christ, OP. What is wrong with you.

-private sector person

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who views a career in high-level government lawyering as “not living up to potential” has priorities that will not make this match work. Go after your own values; you treasure big money earners.

To some people living up to one's potential is just code for making as much money as possible. They want a high earning spouse but they couch it as "oh I'm just worried you're not living up to your potential!" as if they are doing them a favor lol. There was that thread about why people don't like strivers. This type of thing is one reason.

Anyone who views a career in high-level government lawyering as “not living up to potential” has priorities that will not make this match work. Go after your own values; you treasure big money earners.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Insufficient information— how old is *he* and GS14 *what*.

If he’s a 30 y/o GS14 it’s very different than a 40 y/o GS14. Bear in mind the GS14-15 jump is a trap— going into the 15 without your 5-7 year plan for leaving government in place means accepting wage stagnation.

If you don’t know this much about government salaries by 32, living in the DC area, it may be better for you to just continue to date industry.

OP here. He’s 36, and has no interest in ever moving to private practice. It just strikes me as a red flag - not wanting to live up to his full potential.

FWIW I’m in big law and have dated in that realm, or higher income men.

My good friend, male, now SES lawyer, was a topped out GS 15 when he married his big law now-wife, both in their 30’s. He brought life-work balance to the family when the kids were young, she travelled extensively and brings home so much money that his salary, even at SES level, is insignificant. It barely pays the taxes on her salary. Now that’s the finances. I don’t know what her priorities were when she married my friend, but I assume it was love not a business transaction. Move on so another can make this man happy.

If it bothers you then yes, you should let him go.

I’m sure he’ll find someone else.

Anonymous wrote:I'm married to a GS-14 and after a few step increases the salary is nothing to sneeze at. And as somebody mentioned earlier the health insurance is great (I work at a job with great salary but crappy benefits).

Same. Married to a career fed (GS-14) which allows me to be an independent contractor without worrying about health insurance.

Wasn’t there a thread awhile ago about crappy health insurance at big law?

OP you won’t be happy in 10-15 years when others have outstripped you and you’re making more than he is. Otoh you also won’t be happy if you never find a nice giver earning guy and might kick yourself for letting this one go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I turned 32 this year and made a resolution to find someone to settle down with. Last month I hit it off with someone who seemed great. The problem is he’s civil service, GS-14.

Everyone I’ve dated in the past has been much higher income (private industry). I’m worried long term I’m going to be resentful if he can’t contribute to our lifestyle.

Should I cut him loose?

Cut him loose. I pray I run into him - I’m a 13 and enjoying the hell out of my life and meager salary. I’m working 25 hours a wk and most recently remote in Buenos Aires. So much more to life - cut him loose indeed.

Federal employees can’t work remotely outside of US unless you are stationed there.