Anonymous wrote:1. Most married people don’t get overnight trips away from their kids together. It’s just not normal.

2. You aren’t hearing the down side to the “my parents are around all the time” setup, so don’t imagine it’s all peachy. There are good and bad parts, like anything. But you seem to be envisioning only the good parts of another setup and noticing only the bad parts of yours.

Anonymous wrote:My in laws are in their mid-70s and live in Detroit. We have two daughters. Last year, when our kids were 4 and 2 the ILs offered to take them for 3 nights so that we could go away for a long weekend for our 10 year anniversary. But when it came time for us to book our travel, they backed out saying they didn't think they could handle two little kids and maybe they would be more comfortable when the kids are older and a little more independent, like 8 and 6. Of course, DH pointed out to them that they will also be four years older by that point. We aren't holding our breath that it will ever happen.

Anonymous wrote:My parents were able to help out the first few years, but they a) live out of state and b) have had health issues recently. So we are now in the camp of not being able to get away on our own. Recently, friends of ours who got married around the same time as us just went on a 2 week international trip for their 10 year anniversary whereas DH and I got a sitter to go out for a nice dinner locally.

It is what it is, but I do feel like people parenting with lots of family help are doing so on the “easy” setting. And I know plenty of people with genuinely helpful parents who don’t cause drama, so anyone claiming it always/often comes with drawbacks is just deluding themselves. DH and I know we have it harder than other parents (including having a special needs kid). We have just come to accept it, and honestly I’m pretty proud of how we always make the best of things and get through it together. Whereas some couples seem to fall apart at the smallest hardship.

What helps — realizing that kids get easier as they get older. Also, resorts with kids clubs are great once your kids are like 3-4 y/o +. Or bringing a sitter/nanny on vacation with you. You have a 1 year old which isn’t much fun for travel, but it won’t be like this forever.

Girls’ trip and guys’ trips. DH and I make sure to plan long weekends away with our friends so we each get some breaks throughout the year.

Also, being grateful for what we have. Our kids have 4 loving grandparents in their lives who try to visit when they can. Not everyone has living parents who show an interest in their children’s lives.

Money and/or flexibility at work. It sounds like you both work, so try to prioritize money to outsource or flexibility to handle things since you’re doing it on your own.

Exercise. I’ve found I’m happier when I take the time to work out a few times per week. I still feel like “me” getting this time away and I’m more energized for my kids.

Anonymous wrote:So my husband and I are 40, and we are happy but sometimes exhausted parents of a lively and wonderful 1-year-old. Being older parents, and DH and I both also having parents who had us later in life, the 4 grandparents are all thankfully alive and loving, but in their late 70-early 80's and in varying states of health. They all love visiting with our kid, but none of them are really capable of watching a toddler on their own for even a pretty short period of time.

So when i hear about friends who are able to drop off their young kids off at grandma's and go away for the weekend to celebrate their anniversary, I seethe with jealousy. We wouldn't even be able to do that for a date night. We're probably not going to have another baby, but if we were I'd probably have to stay in the hospital by myself.

I guess I want to hear from others in this situation (or anyone else who has helpful thoughts) on how to deal with this both on an emotional level and a practical one. How to deal with the feelings of disappointment and jealously, and preventing it from turning it into resentment, either towards my parents and IL's who are all honestly lovely, or toward others who have the luxury of young, helpful grandparents?

And then on a practical level, how to compensate for this as much as we can. It's easy for us to trade off to give each other solo breaks, and we can use a babysitter for an evening. But I don't know when we'll ever be to get away by ourselves and be able to relax and reconnect, and I worry about the effect of that on our marriage. At what age is it ok to leave your child with a paid babysitter, or a friend maybe, overnight? I've thought about DH and I taking the day off and doing something fun together while DS is in daycare. Any other strategies?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Most married people don’t get overnight trips away from their kids together. It’s just not normal.

2. You aren’t hearing the down side to the “my parents are around all the time” setup, so don’t imagine it’s all peachy. There are good and bad parts, like anything. But you seem to be envisioning only the good parts of another setup and noticing only the bad parts of yours.

Different poster. I am in the same situation as you OP, and I have to agree with both of these. Some people get the overnight trips but it's not the norm. I know I notice it more because we don't have it so it stands out to me, but when I actually take a step back, I realize we are far from alone.

The downsides of having parents around is real, from what I hear from my friends and what I imagine if mine were around all the time. My brother, who has always used his in-laws for free childcare, often says to me "nothing is truly free!"

Anonymous wrote:So my husband and I are 40, and we are happy but sometimes exhausted parents of a lively and wonderful 1-year-old. Being older parents, and DH and I both also having parents who had us later in life, the 4 grandparents are all thankfully alive and loving, but in their late 70-early 80's and in varying states of health. They all love visiting with our kid, but none of them are really capable of watching a toddler on their own for even a pretty short period of time.

So when i hear about friends who are able to drop off their young kids off at grandma's and go away for the weekend to celebrate their anniversary, I seethe with jealousy. We wouldn't even be able to do that for a date night. We're probably not going to have another baby, but if we were I'd probably have to stay in the hospital by myself.

I guess I want to hear from others in this situation (or anyone else who has helpful thoughts) on how to deal with this both on an emotional level and a practical one. How to deal with the feelings of disappointment and jealously, and preventing it from turning it into resentment, either towards my parents and IL's who are all honestly lovely, or toward others who have the luxury of young, helpful grandparents?

And then on a practical level, how to compensate for this as much as we can. It's easy for us to trade off to give each other solo breaks, and we can use a babysitter for an evening. But I don't know when we'll ever be to get away by ourselves and be able to relax and reconnect, and I worry about the effect of that on our marriage. At what age is it ok to leave your child with a paid babysitter, or a friend maybe, overnight? I've thought about DH and I taking the day off and doing something fun together while DS is in daycare. Any other strategies?

Anonymous wrote:I know a couple who's kids have a standing "date" with her parents every week. Every single week, they drop the 2 kids off and pick them up the next day. I would kill for that! So I get the jealousy.

Anonymous wrote:1. Most married people don’t get overnight trips away from their kids together. It’s just not normal.

2. You aren’t hearing the down side to the “my parents are around all the time” setup, so don’t imagine it’s all peachy. There are good and bad parts, like anything. But you seem to be envisioning only the good parts of another setup and noticing only the bad parts of yours.