Anonymous
Post 07/19/2023 11:54     Subject: If you're anti-nanny but both you and your partner WOH, could you please explain why?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It seems as though I've come across a number of moms who say things like, "I don't believe in nannies" or "I would never let a non-family member watch my children" despite being in a HH where both parents work full time outside the home. I'm genuinely curious (no judgment) -- if this is you, could you please explain why this is your philosophy?


Children should be out socializing with other children.


In a neighborhood that’s walkable to a park, the best nannies take the kids there all morning, have lunch, then take the kids home. You get tons of socializing plus the recommended outdoor time from experts. So I don’t think daycare is the only way to do this, but it could be neighborhood-dependent and obviously budget-dependent.

Seeing kids at the playground who may or may not be there consistently from day-to-day is not the same as seeing the same kids in a daycare setting, having to share communal toys, eating together, answering to the same adult, etc.


I think it’s similar because the same group of kids and nannies come (unless someone is sick or on vacation- same as daycare). The kids bring scooters, bikes, toys for the sandbox, and they learn to share and socialize. They sit and eat together. I know friends in other walkable neighborhoods with the same setup. I don’t think these kids are at a disadvantage to daycare kids. Again, as I said, it’s neighborhood-dependent.

Btw, plenty of nannies also socialize kids at the country club or pool. The kids aren’t sitting home alone all day.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2023 11:53     Subject: If you're anti-nanny but both you and your partner WOH, could you please explain why?
Do you mean literally “anti” nanny or do you mean people who have preferences different than your own?

We wanted to use the daycare provided by my workplace because it was better for continued breastfeeding than pumping in my office would have been. As our daughter got older it was clear she needed the socialization and stimulation of a group of kids. Personally I liked the very high degree of oversight the arrangement provided me and my ability (and tendency) to drop in and check on my daughter.

There are nanny situations which could have met our needs, like a nanny share or a nanny plus preschool, but we were happy and more importantly our kid was happy.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2023 11:43     Subject: If you're anti-nanny but both you and your partner WOH, could you please explain why?
Yes, as many people have said in one form or another, I do not want to manage someone else in my home, I'm more introverted and nonconfrontational. I'm fine emailing the daycare director to say I have noticed such n such as an issue (although I have rarely had to do this) this person probably gets similar emails daily, I might not see this person for weeks. It's fine. I do not want to have a one on one with someone I have to see multiple times daily and is solely responsible for my kid. I also work from home now and this would really really not work for me, house is too small, among many other factors. I have friends that have wonderful nanny's or nanny shares. It's just not for us. People do what works for best for them, leave everyone else alone.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2023 11:01     Subject: If you're anti-nanny but both you and your partner WOH, could you please explain why?
For some people it is far easier (logistically, financially, and from a legal standpoint) and more private to be a customer than an employer. Others don't mind having domestic employees and know how to navigate the paperwork and taxes and employee/employer relationship. Either way works if you know what you are signing up for.

Also, some people have family who want to help out and they actually like them. Nothing wrong with that.

Some people prefer to not use any daily child care and they SAH. Also fine.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2023 11:00     Subject: If you're anti-nanny but both you and your partner WOH, could you please explain why?
We hired a nanny during COVID and I’ve known a number of friends who have had nannies. I just think the quality of care can vary widely. We have a couple friends who have found the unicorn nanny that becomes a part of the family, stays with them for years, is very reliable etc.

But for every 1 nanny like that I think there are 5 more that are not. I’ve known people with nannies who have brought personal problems to work related to divorce/DV, had their nanny constantly asking for loans (never to be paid back) because they’re perceived as wealthy, showing up on pain meds, etc. And I’m not talking about lowly paid, off the books nannies without references.

I’m sure there are employee issues at daycares too, but at least there are others around. I think a licensed center is safer. Unlicensed home daycare is a different story.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2023 10:51     Subject: If you're anti-nanny but both you and your partner WOH, could you please explain why?
Some people are jealous… of the nanny. The idea of other people having very strong bonds with their kids freaks them out.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2023 10:47     Subject: If you're anti-nanny but both you and your partner WOH, could you please explain why?
I WFH and had a nanny (long before covid), and it's a slog. Expensive, no backup, taxes are a pain...yeah, I get why people do daycare.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2023 10:46     Subject: If you're anti-nanny but both you and your partner WOH, could you please explain why?
Anonymous wrote:
More parents should start thinking more about what’s best for their child, and less about what’s most convenient for them.

The earliest years of life are the very foundation for the rest of your child’s entire life. This isn’t the time to skimp on costs if neither the parents nor extended family is willing/available to do the important work of infant/ toddler care. Stability, competence and love are all critical.


What is best for the family is an important factor in determining what is best for each child
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2023 10:44     Subject: If you're anti-nanny but both you and your partner WOH, could you please explain why?
Anonymous wrote:Lots of people prefer daycare.

Nannies are easier in a lot of ways but exhausting in others. The mental energy to be someone’s boss and the lack of privacy in your own home is really hard for a lot of people.


We did both nanny share and daycare and even though I really liked our nanny these (plus coordinating with the other family in our share) are the reasons I preferred daycare (which was also wonderful).
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2023 10:44     Subject: If you're anti-nanny but both you and your partner WOH, could you please explain why?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
More parents should start thinking more about what’s best for their child, and less about what’s most convenient for them.

The earliest years of life are the very foundation for the rest of your child’s entire life. This isn’t the time to skimp on costs if neither the parents nor extended family is willing/available to do the important work of infant/ toddler care. Stability, competence and love are all critical.


Stability, competence and love are not unique to nannies, au pairs, and at home parents / family. Some nannies are not very good and some daycares are amazing.


And adding on to my comment - grandparents may be loving and well intentioned, but the vast majority of them have nothing on the energy and current knowledge infant / toddler safety and development of a 25yr old with a degree in early childhood education and a preschool full of safe spaces with tons of age appropriate toys and playground equipment. I felt 1000% better with my kids on a fully fenced and alarmed preschool playground with proper adult ratios than imagining my 73yr old mother breaking a hip chasing my 2yr old if he decided to bolt from a public park towards a parking lot or road.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2023 10:43     Subject: If you're anti-nanny but both you and your partner WOH, could you please explain why?
Like many others on this thread, although we had a positive relationship with our nanny, we did both over the years and I preferred sending the kids out. Having a nanny was more mental labor (and not even in a bad drama-kind of way). I also found that while my kid's father was very hands on with daycare obligations, the nanny management was logistically much more difficult to split 50/50 and fell more to me.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2023 10:41     Subject: If you're anti-nanny but both you and your partner WOH, could you please explain why?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Our kids (and my sibling’s, which came later) have always been taken care of by their grandparents. They see a lot of kids with nannies at the park and playgrounds. Some are pretty damned good and attentive, but most are just plain awful. Your nanny could easily be one thing in front of you and another completely different once she’s out the door with your kid.

I’m not saying they’re abusive or anything. Just inattentive and indifferent and sometimes a little short.

At least in a good day care there are rules and regulations and constant supervision and other kids to keep yours engaged and stimulated.


This is true, which is why you need to specify what is appropriate and inappropriate up front in the contract. When our kids were very little we also had a list of places she could take them on outings - when they were very little it was the local park and country club. Because I’m very active in my community there were eyes everywhere. I have tons of SAHM friends, who would always tell me ‘I saw Nanny and Larla today at the XXX. Nanny is so sweet.’ OR “how did you find Nanny? She is the only one I never see on the phone”. I’m the PP who used a service. I also wrote a solid contract and asked her to sign an NDA. No, were not famous, but I don’t want my kids on social media sites until they consent.


Nice try. But no, a “contract” doesn’t solve the problem and having eyes and ears in town doesn’t either. Everybody everywhere has both, and still you see nannies at the parks and playgrounds every day on their phones, being snippy with the kids, chatting with other nannies in their common foreign language while havoc wreaks around them, etc. You may tell yourself your situation is different, but it isn’t.

Again, I’m not saying any of this is the worst thing in the world. It isn’t. But no single individual outside of your own family is going to love your kid the way you do - FACT. At least in day care the indifference is spread around so the risk is lower. Plus, again, there are other kids around and constant supervision by the bosses.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2023 10:37     Subject: If you're anti-nanny but both you and your partner WOH, could you please explain why?
Anonymous wrote:
More parents should start thinking more about what’s best for their child, and less about what’s most convenient for them.

The earliest years of life are the very foundation for the rest of your child’s entire life. This isn’t the time to skimp on costs if neither the parents nor extended family is willing/available to do the important work of infant/ toddler care. Stability, competence and love are all critical.


Stability, competence and love are not unique to nannies, au pairs, and at home parents / family. Some nannies are not very good and some daycares are amazing.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2023 10:33     Subject: If you're anti-nanny but both you and your partner WOH, could you please explain why?
I manage people all day at work and I do not want a household employee to also manage. I have enough drama with college educated professionals who know office norms and all the moms I know who have a nanny or au pair have situations I don’t want to deal with - constantly asking for raises, arriving late, calling during the work day and asking to leave early, au pairs smoking pot in the house, au pairs getting pregnant, car trouble, family drama, etc.
I use a landscaping company that prefers to text me, I use a house cleaning company I schedule online, and I enjoy taking my kids to a preschool or camp where I don’t have to make small talk with the teachers. Some people love having a personal relationship with a nanny. Those are probably the moms who go on to be FB friends with their kids’ elementary teachers. I prefer having a business relationship with clear boundaries. My kids are still well cared for, but if the teacher’s car breaks down on the way to work, it’s not my issue. I will still get to work on time because the preschool director will call in a sub or cover the class herself.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2023 10:31     Subject: If you're anti-nanny but both you and your partner WOH, could you please explain why?
Anonymous wrote:DH and I were overweight children, and we felt daycare would be best to keep our kids active and away from snacks. It worked and also suited their outgoing little personalities. There were definitely some kids at daycare that didn't thrive though, so it isn't the best choice for every kid.