Gotta say, OP, your husband is still MILES ahead of mine…he would NEVER go to the pool on the 4th of July. Would never go to a pool, period. Does not mingle. Cannot stand crowds. Won’t go to 9/10 kid sporting events and when he does go to one or two events in a season, stays for 15 minutes, doesn’t talk to anyone, and rarely even finds me to greet me. He has never volunteered an hour for years of baseball and swim team.

If your DH goes to the pool with you, helps prep for it, carries the towels in or whatever, that seems pretty good to me. Maybe he likes being along but just doesn’t enjoy small talk?

Anonymous wrote:What are you doing to make the relationship better, exactly? Have you stopped to consider that you and your friends might bore him? Dads jumping off diving boards is your gold standard for male behavior? Scary. Your husband sounds like a full grown man instead of a boy. You don't realize just how lucky you are to have him by your side. So you really want to blow up your kids' family because you think you can do better? Being a 40-plus woman on dating apps is no picnic, OP.

He sounds like a dull, stick in the mud dud.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing he did “wrong” was go to the pool.

You should have gone without him.

You should take vacations and do things with the kids without him. You clearly don’t have the same ideas of fun and family, so make time for each of you do so what you want. Without each other.

Or, set yourselves both free.

What he did “wrong” was enjoy himself how he wanted instead of how she wanted him to enjoy himself. He was perfectly happy reading his book. He didn’t want to pretend to give a sh*t about a bunch of strangers - introverts find that boring and exhausting.

They’re not strangers. He knew 75% of the people there and it was rude of him to not acknowledge them in any way.

So the people went right up to him while he was sitting and reading his book, and he didn't look up at all and acknowledge them?

Agree, majorly rude.

Or is that not how it happened, OP?

NP. He was using his book as a shield to repel conversation, like a recalcitrant teenaged boy, but then, you already knew that.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you’re the problem. Have you thought about that?

Who cares about the Fourth anyway.

Most people. Not you, because you’re a summer Grinch, but most people do care.

I have an anti social husband and I stopped trying for us to have family friends. I feel like maintaining these large family friend groups is a lot of work anyway because inevitably over time, the kids grow apart or one member doesn't like another. I have a few close girl friends and will do outings with the kids and meet up with the moms. As I've gotten older, I've also realized how fleeting these mom friendships are anyway. So basically, I dropped the idea of us having an active couples life and just dealt with the hand I was given. Ymmv

OP, I hear you. I have the same dynamic with my DH. It’s super frustrating and embarrassing.

Today, my DH stayed home and watched tv all day while I played tennis and went to the pool. Staying inside and watching reruns is not my idea of living a full life but it’s his choice. I’m trying to accept that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband dropped me and the kids at the pool (the pool is his idea of hell). We had a great time - I drank and chatted with my friends, kids hung out with theirs. Stayed about 4 hours. He picked up up a little while ago and drove us home. Dinner was waiting. He was happy he didn’t have to suffer at the pool, I was happy I didn’t have to get annoyed that he was being surly and just counting the minutes til we could leave. Everyone wins!

Exactly. This is how a sane, caring spouse would handle.

There's something wrong with forcing a spouse to do something you are fully aware makes them miserable.

Who knows, OP? Maybe he knows how to have fun with another woman. Hopefully not, but beware of double faces.

Anonymous wrote:My husband dropped me and the kids at the pool (the pool is his idea of hell). We had a great time - I drank and chatted with my friends, kids hung out with theirs. Stayed about 4 hours. He picked up up a little while ago and drove us home. Dinner was waiting. He was happy he didn’t have to suffer at the pool, I was happy I didn’t have to get annoyed that he was being surly and just counting the minutes til we could leave. Everyone wins!

Exactly. This is how a sane, caring spouse would handle.

Sounds like mismatched Mr. and Mrs. Bennett from Pride and Prejudice.

Anonymous wrote:Sitting in the sunshine and reading sounds way more fun to me than making small talk with a bunch of acquaintances.
Maybe he thinks his wife is the most frivolous, idiotic woman ever. That's usually what I'm thinking about all the people nattering about nothing at the pool.

+1 So boring and such a waste of time. I'm with DH.

Sitting in the sunshine and reading sounds way more fun to me than making small talk with a bunch of acquaintances.
Maybe he thinks his wife is the most frivolous, idiotic woman ever. That's usually what I'm thinking about all the people nattering about nothing at the pool.

He may be introverted and be overwhelmed by crowds and intense socialization. Or he may be on the autism spectrum and *really, really* dislike all that.

My husband and son would have sat and read books just like yours, OP. I have no problem with that, since if someone addresses them, they are courteous. But they're definitely going to shy away from crowds and noise.

I think you should work on accepting that your husband is less social than you are, but also address the crabby part - given the rest of your diatribe, I'm not sure how much of that is your resentment speaking, and he's not crabby at all, and how much of it is actual active rudeness on his part. Or maybe you nag him about going to speak with people and he ends up irritated by your insistence?

Also, YES, men and women do have the ability to mask when young and then revert to a less social version of themselves when married with kids... because guess what? It's a lot of togetherness and people, being married with kids. Sometimes you really need to be alone with your thoughts.

OP, I can’t believe all of these responses pretending he was reading contentedly by the pool. He was pouting and punishing you by refusing to interact with you upon your return. He know that’s embarrassing for you- to have a petulant Buddha angrily parked on his throne who won’t exchange niceties with his wife let alone even acknowledge acquaintances. The sad part is that this far more common than you realize- I second the suggestion to just start doing your own thing with your kids and your friends. Start a little quiet rebellion in other areas that might not fall under his Papal approval. He isn’t going to change; divorce or pursue your own happiness within the marriage.

Going to a packed pool with tons of noise and screaming sounds like hell to me. I'd bring a book too. If I were going to a pool, I'd want it to be a relaxing time. I don't want to run around talking to a ton of people and then trade gossip with my wife who talked to a ton of different people.

I'm tons of fun. Perhaps your idea of fun is different from your husband's.