Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to go home. It's your house. I'm not seeing the problem.

I have to tell him, because she has to be driven home. If she is there when I say it's time for her to go home, he apologizes to her (!!!) for my saying that. Then he says he will and doesn't, so I have to come back and remind him it's time to go, undoubtedly in a less polite voice. So then I look like I'm the one being rude.

I need a way to explain why it's a problem for a guest to be here more often than our paying tenant is.

No, you need to set a rule that applies all the time, every day and to all guests. Your autistic son might appreciate a rule! Such as “no guests before 9am or after 9pm” and “all members of household must be inside the house by midnight unless I know they are spending the night elsewhere.” Or whatever.

Anonymous wrote:Because he is on the spectrum is exactly why you need to still be parenting him. You need to help him manage social expectations - which means taking care of himself and participating as an active member of your household, getting a job, respecting others' space. You have to explain things to him but you also have to enforce them! You know he needs to you help him make a framework for his life and you're not. Don't be afraid of his push back - of course he's not going to like it but you need to act in his best interest.

Yes, thank you, glad you understand. A big part of the complication here is extreme demand avoidance, which is a trait he unfortunately shares with his father. There are numerous articles and studies on EDA and autism; here's the abstract from a recent study, Understanding the Contributions of Trait Autism and Anxiety to Extreme Demand Avoidance in the Adult General Population:

"Autism and anxiety are thought to be related to extreme demand avoidance (EDA), which is characterised by intense avoidance of everyday demands. However, the relative importance of autism and anxiety to EDA has yet to be investigated, and little is known about EDA in adulthood. We conducted two online survey studies (Ns = 267 and 549) with adults in the general population to establish the relative importance of autistic traits and anxiety as predictors of demand avoidance, using dominance analysis. Both autistic traits and anxiety were unique and equally important predictors of demand avoidance. These findings suggest EDA is linked to autism and are consistent with the theory that demand avoidance behaviours are potentially anxiety-driven in adults."

So unfortunately it's not a matter of just laying down the rules (or even just requesting his assistance with something) and expecting them to be followed from then on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Your feelings matter but my feelings matter too. I am feeling like I can never relax in my own house because you have guests over all day every day. We are going to compromise because I know you like having her over. She is welcome here X days per week for X hours per day. She will need to leave by X. If you do not respect this boundary, she will no longer be welcome here.”

OP here. Thank you! I like the first few sentences and understand the rationale behind saying x number of hours per day, but in reality I would be the one enforcing that and I'd really like to take off my bad-cop hat (and not make her feel unwelcome, which she probably does when I remind him it's time to take her home).

Ok but you can't have it both ways. Either you enforce it or you don't. Also if he's in college part time, he can't get a part time job. Stop enabling him

Anonymous wrote:“Your feelings matter but my feelings matter too. I am feeling like I can never relax in my own house because you have guests over all day every day. We are going to compromise because I know you like having her over. She is welcome here X days per week for X hours per day. She will need to leave by X. If you do not respect this boundary, she will no longer be welcome here.”

OP here. Thank you! I like the first few sentences and understand the rationale behind saying x number of hours per day, but in reality I would be the one enforcing that and I'd really like to take off my bad-cop hat (and not make her feel unwelcome, which she probably does when I remind him it's time to take her home).

Because he is on the spectrum is exactly why you need to still be parenting him. You need to help him manage social expectations - which means taking care of himself and participating as an active member of your household, getting a job, respecting others' space. You have to explain things to him but you also have to enforce them! You know he needs to you help him make a framework for his life and you're not. Don't be afraid of his push back - of course he's not going to like it but you need to act in his best interest.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP - Getting change going without your DH being on the same page is going to be difficult. Maybe you should find a counselor who could have a couple of sessions with you both so that you can explain to your husband how you are feeling and how the current lifestyle is only enabling your oldest son and preventing him from continuing to gain independence and a life of his own. You both could benefit from strategies in how to reshape "home life." On the girl friend, DS needs to be told clearly what the rules for having her over are, and that if he wants to spend more time together, they can do so out of the house or over at her house. He obviously can work enough to cover expenses which are important to him, but you realize that he is not bothering to extend his work hours to cover typical "dating or socializing" costs as your home is at no cost. Being on the spectrum is no excuse for his rude behavior in not following your house rules.

All of this--you and DH need to be on the same page, and you are definitely enabling him/stunting his development. He is making choices about work/etc because he can.
BTW is the "on the spectrum" an official diagnosis or just your assessment? If it's an official diagnosis and he's had other interventions, then you can and should frame this discussion as part of his development. Given their ages and the fact that they are just now finishing college (one more year to go?), I'm guessing that covid isolation set any developmental progress back, so you might have to make a long-term strategy (ie, what is the last year of college going to be like so that he and she can both "launch"?)

He was diagnosed with Asperger's at age 5 and it has been confirmed at regular, thorough evaluations throughout the years. He's also been diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety, which as parents of children with this diagnosis know often comes with the territory. He lives at home while attending our state university. He's not on track to graduate for at least another year, online learning during COVID was an utter failure for him, and he's been going part time since.

I understand why our approach could be considered enabling. For a neurotypical child, it would be, and our NT children are on track to launch just fine. They also don't need explanations of things like guests don't stay for 10-12 hours several times a week.

Anonymous wrote:I mean yeah obviously your spectrum kid is going to date off and clueless people. I say that as a woman on the spectrum married to a man on the spectrum. Like attracts like.

TBH, as someone with a kid with ASD with no friends and who rarely leaves the house, I would just be happy that he found someone he is connecting with and is able to function in life.

OP. He is a 22 year old man. This is your house.
Set rules that work for you.

Also, why is he not working one day a week? If he had a job then the girl would be around less.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to go home. It's your house. I'm not seeing the problem.

I have to tell him, because she has to be driven home. If she is there when I say it's time for her to go home, he apologizes to her (!!!) for my saying that. Then he says he will and doesn't, so I have to come back and remind him it's time to go, undoubtedly in a less polite voice. So then I look like I'm the one being rude.

I need a way to explain why it's a problem for a guest to be here more often than our paying tenant is.

She doesn't need an explanation why. "It's not appropriate for you to be here so much. My son doesn't understand boundaries so I will explain them to you. You can be here 3 days a week for X hours. When he has his own place to live that he pays for, the rules will be up to him. Bye."

This. You don't need to give an explanation. This is our family home and both my husband and I work and need rest and quiet in preparation for our next work day. You can visit son between 9 and 8 on these three days. Otherwise the two of you can rent a place of your own and get jobs.

I like the idea of setting a timer for 15 minutes before when they have to leave.

Tell him you pay the mortgage/rent.

He can have guests no more than 3 days a week.

Visiting hours are 9:00 am - 8:00 pm.

Tell them you and your husband need your sleep and privacy for work.

Since your son won't listen to you you may have to tell both of them together.

She needs to move out of her home and rent a studio with him or some other roommate.

He needs a dad to tell him to get married and move out.

It sounds like he isn't going to pick up on hints and you just need to tell him. He may have guests Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday, and they must leave by 9 pm. Set a timer for 8:45.

He's likely going to be dating people who are similarly clueless or on the spectrum or have other issues, for the next few years at least, so you need to get on some sustainable boundaries that are clear to him.

Don't ask why he's dating her unless you really want the answer! It's probably because he likes having sex, or hopes to have sex, or because she's very affirming of him.

Anonymous wrote:
OP - Getting change going without your DH being on the same page is going to be difficult. Maybe you should find a counselor who could have a couple of sessions with you both so that you can explain to your husband how you are feeling and how the current lifestyle is only enabling your oldest son and preventing him from continuing to gain independence and a life of his own. You both could benefit from strategies in how to reshape "home life." On the girl friend, DS needs to be told clearly what the rules for having her over are, and that if he wants to spend more time together, they can do so out of the house or over at her house. He obviously can work enough to cover expenses which are important to him, but you realize that he is not bothering to extend his work hours to cover typical "dating or socializing" costs as your home is at no cost. Being on the spectrum is no excuse for his rude behavior in not following your house rules.

All of this--you and DH need to be on the same page, and you are definitely enabling him/stunting his development. He is making choices about work/etc because he can.
BTW is the "on the spectrum" an official diagnosis or just your assessment? If it's an official diagnosis and he's had other interventions, then you can and should frame this discussion as part of his development. Given their ages and the fact that they are just now finishing college (one more year to go?), I'm guessing that covid isolation set any developmental progress back, so you might have to make a long-term strategy (ie, what is the last year of college going to be like so that he and she can both "launch"?)